Warning-emotional post. Is it normal to be manhandled when trying to BF for the first time?

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

As the title says, I tried to BF DC4 as all the other 3 were FF. I've always been very shy and would never be able to feed in public etc. BF itself was never going to be easy emotionaly for me after being assaulted when younger, if you can get the picture.
The nurse who tried to help me, literally just grabbed my boob and shoved it into DC4's mouth. I could have cried, I felt as if I'd been violated again and immediately felt my self drawing back from DC4. I managed a 5 min feed, but as soon as DH returned to the room I burst into tears and asked for a bottle for DC4.
I'm due DC5 in 4-5 weeks and would really like to give BF a go again. However i can't bear the thought of being grabbed like that again, it really didn't help the bonding process.
Is it normal practice for the nurses/midwifes to just shove it in so to speak, or should they have let me try and give verbal advice as needed?

MrsRigby it sounds like you were treated appallingly, I'm really

Thanks lionstar. I'm pregnant again and the thought of going through that again worry's/scares me. I lie awake at night crying. I want a homebirth, but after having a pulmonary embolism the midwife and DH are adamant that I'm going to have another hospital birth. I really don't want to go through that again.

millymollymoo I agree. The way midwifes treat mothers and especially first time mothers is appalling. I just don't know why it's allowed/accepted.

MrsRigby that sounds terrible. So sorry for you.

OP - I also found the midwives rather 'handsy'. Not nice, but as DS wouldn't feed from me until day 11, seemed to be the only way to stop him being FF.

I would also suggest getting a pump and knowing how it works. And get home and talk to breast feeding helpline if you have problems, midwives in hospital weren't much use to me. And get on here to ask for help if you need it, Tiktok is the reason I've been able to feed my DS myself for the last 12 weeks. (Thanks again!)

Again i'm for you, thinking you have to lay there crying - so not what you need at this time. Hopefully this time you will be able to control the situation yourself and tell them to eff-off. Best of luck with the pregnancy

five The main thing is that you want to give it another go. Start with a positive attitude! When I had DS, I remember ringing for help, being pushed back into a chair, and told, 'shoulders back, down, baby HERE' as he was shoved against my boob and I was grabbed and twisted...
Very nearly gave up but persevered and got help from a BF counsellor in the hospital who was fab.
Another tip, get some 'simple' shower gel or something similar - I found DS didn't want to latch on, and as soon as I changed soap he did. I'd been given some smellies which I kept for hospital, and I totally believe that the smell confused him.
Good idea to write it down in birth plan and also seek out in advance whether there's a support group where you live?
Good luck.

You poor thing. Yes, it happened to me, though only from the Observation Area night midwives who, i'm sorry to say, were like an different species from the nice midwives in the postnatal wards. It is a truly weird experience. I'd love to sit in on a midwifery lecture when this is discussed. 'Breast in this hand, baby's head here, and MESH!'

This is quite serious but is going to sound like a joke - how about sticking a post-it to each breast saying Don't Touch?

I'm with Mrs Rigby.

I was just reading another thread where a woman wants to sue the hospital trust due to poor care. But I do wish people would sue, or complain formally, or press charges of assault in situations like this. It is terribly difficult, I know.

Can you imagine walking into a police station and saying 'my nurse assaulted me'?

MrsRigby you can self discharge after 6 hours, even if the baby hasn't been examined you can come back the next day to see the doctor if that would make you feel more relaxed and am to try feeding this time around.
I am hoping for a homebirth as I simply am of a state of mind where I shall probably be the one charged with assault if anyone tried to give my baby a bottle or stick an needle in me.
I don't suppose you're near anywhere Warwick are you ? They were fantastic.

That should not happen!!

With my DD1, a MW was quite rough with her and I was not impressed especially as she was a ventouse delivery and her her was very swollen. But I wasn't happy with the BF and a lovely MW sat with me for every feed during the next night and me and DD! cracked it and I continued to feed her for 18 months.
If you can, see if there is a baby cafe or breastfeeding support workshop at your local children's centre and go along and discuss your concerns as baby cafe's are for pre natal care as well as post natal - then once your baby has arrived, aim to attend weekly or fortnightly if you can as it really helps to discuss issues with other BF mums.:-)
Pleae don't give up, it really is worthwhile.

This seems to be far too bloody common. I didn't even have a Midwife do it, I asked a Maternity Care Assistant to get me some help with DD, and she just came and manhandled me. It does not help you with BFing at all.

I can only suggest that you are careful with what you ask with any HCP at the Hospital. If you want any help, just ask for a BF specialist, or at least a MW, and talk through your issues before you ask for help. You shouldn't have to, but it is probably the best way to avoid any upset.

Good luck with everything, and I hope things are successful for you this time around!

Same thing happened to me. Nurse smelling of fags came in during the night, woke us both up (the baby and I were sleeping peacefully) snapped on a rubber glove, grabbed my breast and said 'baby need to learn to feed'. Tried to wrestle my nipple into her sleepy little mouth. Horrendous. Hardly any wonder neither of us got the hang of it.

I did have much kinder help too - but none effective. Good luck. I have three who were mostly ff but would try to bf again if I had a fourth. Would be much more assertive with a midwife like that though. Shocking. And too common.

MrsRigby, I'm truly sorry to hear of your experience, it's disgusting that they behave in that way. Can you avoid going back to the same hospital? If DH is insisting that you have to have a hospital birth, can you tell him that the quid pro quo is that he sorts out in advance a cast-iron guarantee that you will not suffer the same kind of indignity?

To do that, if I were him, I'd go in to see the PALS team and get them to arrange a meeting with the maternity services manager and / or lead midwife or lead consultant. I'd tell them the story and make quite clear that this time there will be a public stink if there's so much as a hint of malpractice (that's what you suffered, no question). I'd follow up with a letter to the Trust Chief Executive, Medical Director, Chair, Director of Nursing (normally responsible for midwifery) explaining what happened last time and saying you expect impeccable treatment this time.

MrsRigby, so sorry for what you've been through. makes my experience seem very insipid by comparison. I really hope we both have better experiences this time, but I understand how muchthese things affect us and play on our minds. A very un-mumsnet type hug to you. How long have you got left?

Foxytocin & Laurathe doula, thanks for your links and advise, I will find some quiet time when DH & the DC's are out to really have a good look & learn. I think I along with others are just going to have to be a lot more bolshy about this.
I was shocked to realise that this kind of treatment is so common! I think with my history it just made it all seem so much worse, but it's still not acceptable practise.
Thanks for all your replies and advise ladies.

Same thing happened to me with ds1. mw asked if I wanted help latching him on & when I said yes she grabbed my boob in one hand & babys head in the other & shoved the 2 together then left the room. I was expecting guidance on the best way to hold him etc

I had the MW do this in an attempt to get the placenta to release (unmanaged third stage and she was getting impatient). Not too bad but irritating. Shocking what I'm reading here.

My plan (much has already been suggested) would be to clearly write this on your maternity notes and also maybe have a tour of the hospital, if you're planning a HB, and explain to the MWs then. I would also ensure that your husband is on the case and keep them away from you! Can you get an appointment with an NCT breastfeeding counsellor right now to discuss it? They will know what to do.

Good luck. You will be able to do this, and I can see how much you want to.

I am so at some of these shories. For this treatment of women at such a vulnerable time is just dreadful. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I didn't have anything like the treatment that some of you have had - no wonder so many are put off bf. Best of luck to those that are pg again, I hope you have a better experience this time.