Is this selfish? Please be brutal with me!

[mollysmum82]

I'm not really sure what to do. My best friend is getting married soon and has asked me to organise her hen do for her. She organised mine for me and did an amazing job so I really want to return the favour for her. She wants to go away to a different city for two nights and I've organised what I really hope will be a great weekend for her.

The question is dd will only be 8 months then so do I go? When my friend first asked me to organise it I was still due to have dd. I hadn't really done my breastfeeding research at that point and I thought it was "normal" for people to stop at 6 months. However now dd is 6 months and we're still going strong and I really want to breastfeed her for the WHO guidelines (2 yrs) or until she self-weans. I also hadn't realised how hard it would be for both myself and dd to leave her even one night, never mind two.

So I've pretty much decided there's no way I'm going for both nights but what about one? Its about 3 hours away and to be honest I can't bear the thought of being that far away from dd or for that long. And I don't want my milk supply to drop or for her to be without her comfort bf. In short I don't really want to go. I tried to explain this to my friend but she hasn't got kids and said "its only one weekend, you have your whole life with her" she also can't believe I'm still bf dd (I think she thinks its admirable but unnecessary!) and she doesn't understand the concept of milk supplies, nursing strikes etc. She has said it is so important that I'm there for her and I don't think she'll ever forgive me if I wasn't. She has been a good friend to me over the years and I don't want to let her down. She's also been really depressed recently so I especially don't want to upset her.

An idea someone suggested was to take dd and dh with me, put them in a hotel and just keep going back to bf dd. But I'd feel so so guilty on dd and dh doing that. Its such a long way to take dd, she'd hate the long car journey and I'd feel bad on dh having to sit around waiting for me. Dh's initial reaction to that was "there's no way I'm doing that"! But then he realised how upset I was about letting my friend down and he also thought I deserved a night with my girls after not really leaving the house for 6 months (well not without dd and not far!).

So what do you think to that suggestion? Would it be really selfish? Please be brutal, I need back up if I'm going to say no!

Another idea would be for me to go on my own just for the day so I can still come back to bf dd in the evening. But what if she wants to feed in the day? I can't bear the thought of her needing me and me not being there.

I just feel that whatever I do I'm a crap mum, a crap wife or a crap friend.

Sorry to moan, thanks for any advice/support/abuse

Could you express?

My parents looked after my EBF DS when he was about 6 months.

I built up a supply of expressed milk before I went (didn't take too long) and expressed while he was away from me, my supply didn't suffer and I continued to feed him until he was two no problems.

I know how you feel and I do sympathise. Does your DD take a bottle at all? Could you express enough to keep her going while you're away with maybe only a little bit of formula. If you express regularly while away - same approx times as feeds inc at night your supply will stay the same.

In your position I would try to go to both nights of the hen night and at least one of them and if that meant DH and DD having a nice time together somewhere near by so you can feed DD I would certainly try to do that. Could DH meet up with any of his family/ friends with DCs to make a weekend of it for him?

And that was before he was on any solids which your Dc will be.

Hmmm... I think when DS was that age there's no way I could have gone. He was feeding fairly frequently day and night still and had only taken EBM with moderate/poor success on a small handful of occasions. In fact, I ended up cancelling a planned night out when he was about 13 months because although I had fed him, I tried to leave before he was asleep and he went mental - by the time he'd calmed down I was late and really pissed off with the whole situation and didn't bother going. BUT, my friends, who all bar one don't have children (and the one who does has never BF and has left her kids successfully day and evening from them being very small ) were nothing but sympathetic and understanding.

I think that your friend is being selfish and placing unreasonable demands on you. But it is difficult, as obviously you are a good friend and don't want to upset her. But if it was me, given the travelling time, when DS was 8m I simply couldn't have gone to any of it. I know he would have been very distressed without me and for that reason there's no way I'd have gone. (He is now 18 months and I'd still only go for one night, if I wasn't 8 months pregnant! )

Be honest with yourself. If you don't want to leave dd you don't want to. I couldn't either at that age. It's okay to not want to leave her, I promise you. And dd was still very milk-dependent at that age too so leaving her with enough expressed milk would have been impossible. I'd get dh and dd to go with you I think.

"In short I don't really want to go."

Your words, mollysmum.

Your dd will be ok, in the long run....as you know. But she may be distressed and confused in the short term - at 8 mths how can she understand that you will return shortly? She doesn't understand 'tomorrow' or 'soon'.

To be honest I don't think this has much to do with bf. She's not solely dependent on breastmilk for nutrition, and in any case, you know already you'll need to express for comfort.

It's to do with you and her needing each other. You can take her with you - your dh is being ok about this, and while the car journey won't be a barrel of laughs, babies can put up with most things if mummy's around. So it seems to me that the easiest thing is for all of you to go and your dh to have most of the care of dd in the evening while you have some time away....knowing you can check in and keep both you and dd happy

Your friend doesn't have children, she has no idea of the reality. Before I had children I would have agreed with your friend. I think I would take your dh and dd with you, not ideal but I think you risk losing your friendship otherwise.

Your DH sounds lovely - realises that a night out might be good for you but that to do that you'll need him and DD near. So I think that is the best suggestion - you'll be able to look after your DD and be with your friend so you'll be happy, and you won't have to spend the night away from DD - you can spend the night with her and DH in the hotel and then meet back up with your friend and the other hens for a hungover breakfast if necessary!.

Your DD will be 8mo so on solids and potentially not quite so dependent on as many milk feeds, plus she's likely to be a quicker, more efficient feeder as many babies are at that age - my DS changed significiantly between 6mo and 8mo in terms of feeding habits and it became much much easier to bf then so you may well be able to feed your DD without too much disruption to the hen night. Do get another friend to be in charge on the night though so if you do need to disappear for an hour or so then the hen night carries on seamlessly and almost doesn't notice you're not there.

FWIW I don't think your friend is being selfish. It's just very hard for non-mums to understand that bf is not just about food but comfort too, and that it's not easy to switch off your and DD's feelings for a night out or assume the baby will happily take a bottle from dad etc. I didn't understand why one of my friends disappeared part way through my hen night to feed her baby and then reappeared. I wasn't angry or upset - in fact was chuffed she bothered to come back! - I just literally did not understand why her DH couldn't do the whole bedtime routine as I assumed babies should be capable of being put to bed by dad alone at 10mo and that mum shouldn't worry! Now the mum of a 2yo who was bf until he was 1yo, I understand completely!

TBH I think I would go for one night. But this isn't me, it's you.

I would take your DH up on his offer, and all of you have a lovely w/e. Hopefully it is somewhere where he can have a nice time while you are out with friends - taking the baby in buggy, or whatever. Treat it as an adventure.

And stop worrying about car journeys! It's one thing to build your time around bf needs, but you will end up very pinned down if you make every decision based on your baby's imagined felings on such matters!

Bear in mind that if she starts on solids things might be v different by 8 months.

To me the situation is pretty clear cut. I would not have left either of mine when they were 8m, I was also still breastfeeding at this stage.

I would go and take your DH and DD with you. You can't leave your DD and if you do not attend this hen do, your friendship will be damaged because your friend does not understand the situation and even if she has her own DCs, she might not be breastfeeding at 8m and she might be perfectly happy to go away for the weekend without the DC. Most people I know would have left (and did leave) and 8mo for a weekend so I think it is the "norm" to leave them. I couldn't have and wouldn't have so your only option is to take DH and DD. If you explain it all to your DH, he should be OK to do it - if you time the car journey for nap time, your 8mo may well sleep a couple of hours for you. I would attend the whole hen do. If you need to see to your DD, I'd get your DH to send you a text and not make a big issue of going away from the do for a bit to see to her. I would also avoid talking about DD too much at the hen do because some people find babies really boring and won't understand 'til they have their own.

Just my brutal opinion!

You have done so well to organise the whole hen weekend. I bet you are kicking yourself that you didn't pick a place a bit nearer home

You aren't going to be able to please everyone unfortunately and I think your know where your friend comes in your priorities.

If it were me (and I thought I could afford it) I'd take DH and DD and install them somewhere nearby. If I thought it was going to be WAY too expensive/much hassle, I'd record some video clips on my camera to be played throughout the weekend to let your friend know you are thinking of her. Either way, make sure you have a competent second in command.

Good luck!

In your shoes I would definitely take them with me. My family live a 4 hour drive away and DD has been doing that journey since she was 8 weeks old (now nearly 2). It will be fine, just time it for a usual nap time, stop when she wakes up and you'll be fine.

i'd def. go and take them with you for a family weekend . we always make long trip at DS's bedtime/naptime so he sleeps. Doesn't seem to bother him at all!

I'm going to my friend's 30th and staying overnight in a cottage when breastfed ds will be 8months old. I knew I would not be happy leaving him, so asked my friend if it was ok and am bringing him.

I would go, take dh and dd with you.

Do what you want to do and don't waste time feeling guilty. I did go away from dd at that age (in fact, rather younger) leaving her with expressed bottles and did not feel very bad about it because I actually wanted and needed to go. (And she was with her dad who is a kind of extension of me). Just resumed breastfeeding when I returned.

I also travelled across the North Sea with both dcs when they were about this age; again caused no problems. But again, it was something I felt was a priority.

Not sure a hen night would have been that much of a priority to me tbh.

Aww thanks so much for your replies everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to write them!

I'm so glad people understand about the whole bf thing and not wanting to leave dd at this age. I thought I was being really precious and overprotective so its such a relief to hear others are the same!

I struggle to express and dd has always refused a bottle, but regardless I think bf is more of a comfort thing for dd (and I agree this will be even more of the case when she is more established on solids at 8 months).

Okay, so the general consensus is I go if I want to, be there for my friend and have a good time but continue to bf her throughout and arrange to stay in another hotel with dh and dd? This definitely sounds like the best option and I'm so glad you don't think its mega selfish asking dh and dd to come with me!

Thanks again! x

Absolutely not mega selfish!

I was in a similar situation once although my dd was older (11 months).

Everyone else just said 'give her the bottle for the weekend'. However, I took dh and dd with me and they stayed very locally. As it is, she survived without me and I continued BF once we got home.

I think everyone thought I was pathetic but, roll on five years, when we were on another hen weekend, all the others who had one year olds were really uptight about missing them. I wonder if they've ever reflected what I had to organise for our family five years before.

Thank you for your replies and your understanding, I really appreciate it. xx

I had pretty much decided on bringing dd and dh with me, but then dd had to go to hospital the other day with breathing problems and it all changed again. She had a bad virus (v high temp, rash, projectile vomitting, struggling to breathe) and because of her history when I took her to the doctors they decided to call an ambulance.

I think its partly this history that has made me not want to ever leave her... when she was first born she was grey and not breathing, she had to be ventilated and was taken away from me for hours and I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going to lose her. Before then I'd had lots of bleeding throughout pregnancy and I just felt so grateful that my little girl made it. This was after 3 years of trying to conceive her, being told I was unable to have kids and fertility treatment. Goodness I've never said all that out loud before. I guess I'm just trying to explain (to myself more than anyone I suppose) why I'm struggling to be apart from her.

So I just worry what happens if we travel a long way away with her and something happens?

I struggle to do anything that I perceive as being selfish and not for her. This weekend would be about me, not her and I therefore find it hard to handle.

There's a small part of me that thinks my friend does not really understand what I've been through and that's making me reluctant to go. I sometimes feel that she could have been there for me more, but then maybe that's my fault for not trying to talk to her about it more?

I'm sorry if this is rambling, my head is a mess!

Wow - this is a really tricky one. I'm facing something similar a v good friend is getting married in Oct when my DD will be 8months and its a no kids affair. Its not local either so will involve being away from DD for at least 24hrs. I've considered asking my mum to come with us as I really don't think I could go otherwise but know friend would not understand - also other good friends with much younger kids will be going alone.
With regards to health issues, you obviously can't take her far away if she is ill, and if she was ill would your friend expect you to leave her behind? If she did she isn't much of a friend. I think if its a sensible option take DD and DH with you. Good luck will keep watching to see how it goes...

I think you have to follow your heart on this one. Taking your DD with you is a good compromise if you would like to go. It isn't selfish to want to start doing things 'for you' again.

FWIW, I din't feel up to leaving DD for an evening until she was about 10 months. I still have never left her overnight and she's one. I'll be doing it for the first time when she's about 15 months. And I haven't been through what you have....

Molly,
I can totally see why you are worried about leaving your DD, especially while she is still so little. But at the same time, you can't not leave her for the next 18 years, so at some point you need to ease yourself into taking time away. You can do this without jeopardising your breastfeeding provided you are organised and your DH is on board as he is. I'm not suggesting anything too dramatic - my DS is 15 months old and I have still not spent a night away from him, though I have had nights out, so I know how you feel. Also, I am still breastfeeding morning and night so it can be combined with time away.

7/8 months was about the time my DS started to get more independent in that feeds were less frequent, he slept better and so on, so this may not be as hard as you are expecting.

The plan to take DD and DH with you on the hen trip is a great one and I think you should do it, even with your concerns. It gives your DD a great chance to bond with her daddy - something that's worth considering if she's been very attached to you for feeding purpose so far. It'll be a good experience for him, and you will still be nearby and could come bck at a moment's notice. If you're going to a city, there will be a hospital there in case of emergencies and they will be well equipped to take care of your DD - maybe do a bit of research on where it is so that you know if anything should happen, you or your DH could take your DD there.