Is this selfish? Please be brutal with me!

[mollysmum82]

I'm not really sure what to do. My best friend is getting married soon and has asked me to organise her hen do for her. She organised mine for me and did an amazing job so I really want to return the favour for her. She wants to go away to a different city for two nights and I've organised what I really hope will be a great weekend for her.

The question is dd will only be 8 months then so do I go? When my friend first asked me to organise it I was still due to have dd. I hadn't really done my breastfeeding research at that point and I thought it was "normal" for people to stop at 6 months. However now dd is 6 months and we're still going strong and I really want to breastfeed her for the WHO guidelines (2 yrs) or until she self-weans. I also hadn't realised how hard it would be for both myself and dd to leave her even one night, never mind two.

So I've pretty much decided there's no way I'm going for both nights but what about one? Its about 3 hours away and to be honest I can't bear the thought of being that far away from dd or for that long. And I don't want my milk supply to drop or for her to be without her comfort bf. In short I don't really want to go. I tried to explain this to my friend but she hasn't got kids and said "its only one weekend, you have your whole life with her" she also can't believe I'm still bf dd (I think she thinks its admirable but unnecessary!) and she doesn't understand the concept of milk supplies, nursing strikes etc. She has said it is so important that I'm there for her and I don't think she'll ever forgive me if I wasn't. She has been a good friend to me over the years and I don't want to let her down. She's also been really depressed recently so I especially don't want to upset her.

An idea someone suggested was to take dd and dh with me, put them in a hotel and just keep going back to bf dd. But I'd feel so so guilty on dd and dh doing that. Its such a long way to take dd, she'd hate the long car journey and I'd feel bad on dh having to sit around waiting for me. Dh's initial reaction to that was "there's no way I'm doing that"! But then he realised how upset I was about letting my friend down and he also thought I deserved a night with my girls after not really leaving the house for 6 months (well not without dd and not far!).

So what do you think to that suggestion? Would it be really selfish? Please be brutal, I need back up if I'm going to say no!

Another idea would be for me to go on my own just for the day so I can still come back to bf dd in the evening. But what if she wants to feed in the day? I can't bear the thought of her needing me and me not being there.

I just feel that whatever I do I'm a crap mum, a crap wife or a crap friend.

Sorry to moan, thanks for any advice/support/abuse

hi my sister got married when my dd was 9 mths old and i wanted to go on the hen wkend which was quite a long way away so my hubby came with dd and stayed in the hotel and basically looked after dd and i just arranged for him to bring her to me every few hours to feed and by then she was regular through the night so i could do the evening activity once she had her feed. It was made easier for me that i organised it so i knew exactly what time things were planned and could work it kind of around the bf a little bit. It worked perfectaly and my hubby enjoyed having some time with dd and i got to have some time with my sister and her friends.

Aw thanks again for talking it through with me everyone, I'll let you know what I decide! x

You could offer to organise it as she did yours but explain that you can't go.

Or you could go, take DD with you (plus DH if he wants) and join in what you can with DD (e.g. day time activities, lunch) and miss out other bits (e.g. raucous night in club).

I'm sure she'll understand if she's such a good friend. Either way, I wouldn't leave DD for an evening if you don't want to.

If it helps I just declined to go to a good friend's hen do in Sept, it's 2 nights in Brighton - a good 250 miles from me - I can't see how I would do it and bf at the same time. Looming prob for wedding too as it's no kids but hoping my mum will come aka suggestion.

I think the obvious and sane solution is to go with DD/DH and have them stay nearby so you can pop back.

I don't see why your DH should refuse to do that if it's important to you.

I think you are over-isolating yourself if you don't go to this. You obviously do feel you really want to and also 8 months is a bloody long time not to even have a night out!

It's not selfish at all to take them with you if you need to and everyone is willing . I did this for a weekend event when dc2 was 15 months old and another one when dc2 was 20 months old, as I didn't want to leave her overnight for 2 consecutive nights. Dh came to look after her and ds. No-one minded either time and they had lovely weekends, as did I.

I agree with the poster who said that this is utterly personal and no-one else's responses will fully answer your dilemma.

BUT I wanted to say that you are absolutely not being selfish about this - I could not have left either of my babies at this age - I simply couldn't. It would have felt like losing a limb. It wasn't a matter of wanting to be a good mother or being selfish or unselfish, I simply couldn't have done it.

But I agree that before having children, I wouldn't have understood this.

In your shoes I'd take your DH and DD - she won't hate the journey, IME babies that age travel beautifully and she'll probably love it. Maybe you could even go out a day early so your DD is settled, then you can have a nice day with your DH beforehand, and a nice day with your friend the following day.

Good luck whatever you decide - and please don't feel bad. Your feelings are natural and normal.

I hope your DD is OK now.
You have to decide what you feel comfortable with (FWIW I'd not leave them either but the DH coming too seems a good compromise), but just to mention this feeling that you aren't allowed to do anything that isn't in her utmost best interests - you are going to drive yourself mad with that. I can see from what you say why you feel like that, but you are going to end up tearing yourself up inside. Please think about it - you are valuable too and deserve to look after yourself, otherwise you won't be as good a mum to your DD as you abviously are now.
(I have come perilously close to saying "happy mummy = happy baby" )

Oh and as for the car journey, we took DS down to DH's boss's party when he was 10 weeks. It was meant to take 3 or 4 hours, but because of severe flooding it took 8. He slept and didn't feed the whole way - at this point he was generally feeding every hour, two at most. I was beside myself. He finally got to bed at midnight, and I prepared myself for a dreadful night after he'd slept all afternoon. He woke for one feed and then woke at 7am. My little star!
So they surprise you when you least expect it.

You're not going to the sahara desert! If something happens while you are away, you can take her to the hospital there and explain the history.

I understand that it must be very stressful for you, but she will be with her Daddy, you will be nearby and contactable by phone, and you ARE allowed to do something for yourself, in fact I think you SHOULD.

It would be selfish to go and leave her at home if you knew she would not settle without you. It is most definitely not selfish to go out when you are nearby, within reach and can even pop back and settle her if needs be. She probably won't mind at all - if you could ask her, she'd say "Go and have fun, mum"

I had a similar situation, although my DD was 17 months, so i really could have left her, i know. In the end DD, DH and DS all piled down and stayed with relatives near by to allow me to go and still BF DD. It worked fine.
I did leave DS overnight at 15 months, but i had stopped breastfeeding by then so it made a big difference.
I should give my DH a bit more credit really, sometimes he is pretty good.

well, i am an ardent bf supporter, and I was going to suggest you take dd and dh with you! I know exactly how you feel. there is no way on earth i could have been separated from any of my bf babies at that age (or older lol), def not for 2 nights. not fair on either of you

I really don't think there is any need to feel guilty for your dd or dh if you decide you'd like them to come along though. perhaps you could plan to do something with them there on the second day? so go to the first day, back to hotel to be with them and then something in the morning as a family, then meet up with friends again later?? I don 't know, but i am sure you can combine it ok.

your dd will be fine with the trip. you could stop off half-way if necessary for snacks and bf!

I haven't read all of the replies, but I'd say you have to do what you feel most comfortable with. Regarding your baby - I can't imagine she would be affected in the slightest by you leaving her with her father for a couple of nights, but if you are not comfortable with it then I suppose you won't enjoy yourself. I left my exclusively BF DD2 with my Mum for 2 nights when she was just 3 months old (had expressed like crazy and left a freezer full of milk). While I was away I expressed regularly to keep up my milk supply and had no problems at all. Honestly if I were you I would definitely go for at least one of the nights - your DD will be absolutely totally and utterly fine with your DH, you will have a chance to have fun doing something a bit different (much as you adore your DD it is lovely to have a little break every so often) and if you express at your usual feed times your milk supply will not be affected (particularly if you only go for one night).

The thing is I think it is hard to leave a baby, especially the first time, but if you look at it objectively and think about her being with her Daddy (and maybe that would be a nice special time for him too) can there really be any problem? And you might find a night or two away with your friends (especially as it does seem v important to your friend) reminds you how much fun it can be occasionally to get a bit of time out on your own. The truth is when you look back in a year's time you really might wonder why on earth you didn't go. It might seem like a big deal now, but my guess is that looking back you won't see it quite that way. Leaving a bf 8 month old with her father for a night (or two) really isn't a huge issue (remember her food intake will probably increase quite exponentially over the next 2 months too, but even if it doesn't I still wouldn't be worried).