Pregnant, need to stop breastfeeding.

[hairymelons]

I'm 6 weeks pregnant, DS is still breastfeeding at 20mo.
I've wanted to stop for ages for purely selfish reasons. Now I know I need to stop well before this next baby arrives so it doesn't upset him too much to see me feeding his sibling.
I've thought about tandem feeding but don't think I could cope- and if the next baby is anything like DS, they'll be clamped to my breast 24 hours a day anyway!
It's not as simple as just stopping though. DS is REALLY attached to the breast (hence still feeding when I'd rather not). Also, DH and I work very long hours (16 hours most days) and, being a sensitive soul, I think he's struggling with this. And I feel guilty for being away from him so much and feel like I can't deny him when he wants to feed because I think I'm already hurting his feelings by being away so much.
Sorry this is a bit long winded. I'm really tired. And that's another reason I want to stop, when he comes into our bed early morning he feeds constantly for hours and I'm just soooo tired I want it to stop.
So how do I stop breastfeeding him without making him even more sad? Help, please.

congratulations
it's hard
good news is you have lots of time & hopefully he's old enough to be reasoned with
Do you have any time off / holidsays planned?

sorry, that second smiley waas meant to be

My 5 all gave up themselves so I never had your exact problem and I think the twins were about 21 months (and I always worked full time too). He might just stop feeding as the taste may change in pregnancy anyway. Plenty of people do tandem feed. Perhaps just give him short feeds if he comes into bed or cut it back to just before bed and have a trainer cup of water by your bed if he comes in in the mornings.

BTW my first fed constantly - atill feeding every couple of hours at 7/8 months iirc. The second has quick little feeds, and at 5 months can go 4 hourly now. I don't think that's a coincidence - i think she gets milk easier, quicker and richer because I'm tandem feeding. If you don't want to tandem feed then obviously don't but just mentioning it may not be as bad as you think.

I really don't think he'll stop by himself.I just know he won't- I night weaned him 6 months ago and he still asks every single night when he wakes!
The thing is I do want to stop anyway. I'm just asking for advice on damage limitation. Wish I could just get on and tandem feed but I'm too selfish.

it isn't selfish, IMO after about 12 months even if you started out feeding on demand etc the feeding has to suit both of you. Can you take some time off so that you can do it when you'#re not stressed with work?

Dd1 stopped herself when I wasabout 7 weeks pg with dd2 and she loved it so there may be hope. Otherwise I'm not much help

I don't think you can stop breastfeeding him without making him even more sad, so you need to weigh up whether it's more important to you to stop, or more important not to make him sad.

Tandem feeding really is ok you know, and helps the older child to accept the younger one a lot better IME.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

If you really feel that tandem feeding is not for you, then you really mustn't feel pressured into doing it. And CantSleep, I really don't think your comments are very helpful - as mothers we have 'GUILT' tattooed on our foreheads as it is: no further guilt tripping is required.

I was lucky with DD, who self-weaned when I was about 3 months pregnant (thank God - it was really beginning to hurt me). She had just turned 2 years when that happened. Occassionally now she will say about my boobs, 'Mummy's milk all gone'. So I'm not sure if she weaned because there wasn't much milk or if it tasted different or if she'd just had enough. I had stopped offering it to her though and would very gently distract her if she ever asked. She definitely appears to understand that the baby will be breastfed though, so hopefully we can handle that without too many issues.

You have done a fantastic job breastfeeding your son for such a long time - especially when you have such a demanding job yourself. I am sure someone will come along with some good advice on how you can start to wean your DS. Good luck

I answered a direct question with a direct answer Rindercella - how is that not helpful?
And I also gave a good reason to carry on from the benefit of my experience, which hm seemingly hadn't considered.
I don't give a stuff whether she carries on or not, and think she's done great to get this far, but questions need honest answers, and you can't wean a toddler who is very attached to the breast without upsetting them to some degree - fact.

You gave a very emotive response, and only hairymelons will be able to say whether or not that was helpful to her. If I was in Hairy's shoes though, I would have found it unhelpful in the extreme. Fact.

It cant be done without making him more sad. Cantsleepwontsleep is quite right. How odd that she gets criticised for pointing this out .

You have to weigh up his feelings with your own about tandem feeding and carrying on when so tired. You say both you and dh work 16 hours a day - maybe there are other changes you can make in your lives to make his a bit better.
I am all for workign parents but if you are both working 16 hours a day and he is struggling with this maybe something has to give.

Look, the OP sounds bloody exhausted. Confirming to her that she is going to be making her young child even more sad by doing something that will probably make her life a little easier, really is not very helpful. Take a look at her post again - can't you see the guilt and worry and tiredness written all over it?

Tandem feeding is fine for some, but it does not work for everyone. Hairy is asking for help in weaning her son, not reasons to be made to feel even guiltier.

I am assuming that she is working 16 hours a day is because she needs to, not because she actually wants to.

I would seriously consider tandem feeding in your situation.
I stopped feeding DS1 (at 2.6 ish) when pregnant with DS2 - he sort of stopped by himself, I think pregnancy affected my milk a bit. But he would have happily picked up again once DS2 was born. I did feed him a bit but not what you could call tandem feeding.
He was incredibly jealous of his little brother as a baby and it has taken nearly 3 years for that to subside.

If I could go back and change the way I handled this I woudl have carried on feeding him after DS2 was born. I think its a great way of getting a sibling to accept a new babyu and they feel much less left out/pushed aside.

If not then can you pull back on your working hours? 16 hours is a very long time apart from you for a toddler and you wont be able to work those hours when the new baby arrives...

Does he have a dummy for comfort? That might help with reducing the long feeds.

I second Rindercella. You have made the decision that Tandem feeding is not for you and that is nothing to feel guilty about at all. Better that you decide it now than persevere (when you really don't want to) and find yourself in a position when you are truly desperate to stop feeding DS once your new baby has arrived. That would be really confusing for DS. I also think you should take a few days off work when weaning him, then you will know that you have given him plenty of love and attention and will help appease your guilt a little. What about a few days away as a family? Yes he will be sad (so will you), so make sure DH is on hand to give both of you plenty of love and support. There is no easy way so you just need to be certain of you decision and then be consistent.

BTW many congrats on your pregnancy. I hope it all goes smoothly. Let us know how you get on with the weaning if that is the way you decide to go.

No, I can't pull back on the 16 hour days just now. I really, really would if I could. I'm shattered and I know it's far from ideal for my son. I feel it's making him anxious despite being cared for at home by much loved grandparents and aunties.
God, I do feel guilty. We've employed someone so I'll soon be able to cut back. We set our own business up a few months ago and the nature of it is long hours so there was no escaping a few months of hell until we could afford to employ someone.
Anyway, I don't really mind people saying it will make him sad because I know this already. I just wanted advice on how to go about it, how to upset him the least.
So, if you asked me whether it was more important to stop or to not make him sad I would go for the latter obviously otherwise I'd have stopped already.
But my problem isn't just that I'm a bit tired right now, it's that when the new baby arrives I WILL NOT be able to cope with feeding both if DC2 has anything near the appetite of DS. He fed 24/7 until I weaned him and still 2 hourly until around 10/11 months.
Rindercella, that gives me hope. Maybe he'll just stop....I have a feeling he won't though.

I stopped bf my dd when she was about 18 months and I was8 weeks pg. She was only feeding 2-3 times in 24 hours.

I just stopped outright. The hardest for her to stop was the bedtime feed- I got dh to do bedtime for a few nights, and there were some tears, but not as many as I'd feared.

If you are feeding on demand I would maybe try to reduce the no of feeds gradually over a few weeks rather than stopping outright.

A lot of bf for a child this age is comfort, touching base after separations and reassurance. I think as long as you are careful to find other ways to do this, you can make the transition from bf to not bf easier for your child.

Fwiw there were no issues when ds was born with dd being jealous of him bf or anything like that.

Hth

Sorry, no he doesn't have a dummy. We've tried, believe me!
Bellamy, that is exactly the situation I want to avoid. Days off generally aren't possible but we're closing down for a week's holiday in April, maybe we'll think about doing it then.
Early days with the pregnancy anyway, I'm probably not exactly looking after myself properly there either so not assuming all will be well.

Thanks chibi. Did she keep asking for a long time or forget quickly? Were the tears only at bedtime?

As I said you have quite a bit of time. Definitely go away if you can - it may help to break the routine

It was only for few days, she would cry at bedtime for 'boo'.

In the morning when I used to bf her I would bring her to bed with me and feed and cuddle. We changed this for a while to straight downstairs for breakfast for a while. Can't remember how long but were able to go back to am cuddles after a while.

The daytime feeds were easier to drop as I could distract her, the bedtime one was a massive sleep cue for her as well as all the emotional stuff.

Dh did bedtime for a while, and then I came back + started a new routine, rocking in a chair + some lullabyes. I don't remember her asking after a week or so, no bf just became a fact of her life.

It went ok, was less painful for both of us than i feared.

Ok, thanks SPB. Think we'll try in April.
Chibi, I think he'll miss the morning one most. He's used to me not being there at bedtime now
It can be as early as 4 when he wakes wanting to feed in the morning. We bring him in to us and I always offer him a bottle of milk and try to put him off but he's so insistant. Think we'll have to get up with him when he wakes however early it is. Yikes.
Having said that, he sleeps better when we have time off together so it may not be so bad.

I feel for you, the tiredness of pregnancy is overwhelming enough in the first trimester. Coping with this on top of the 16 hour working days must be unbelievably difficult for you.

There is a middle option too. Rather than continue to nurse on request or wean him completely. How would you feel about limiting his feeds to what you both can cope with.

Options can include limiting number of feeds a day, or limiting length of feeds or number of sides he gets or all of the above

Maybe consider sticking with a shorter version of the morning feed if that has the most value to him.

It is hard to know if tandem nursing would work for you unless you get to trying it but that is months off yet. I would not worry about that unless he is still nursing in 8 months and if that is the case, there are plenty tandem nursers on here to help then.

HTH

Well, I already put him off plenty! I feed him first thing in the morning, then (when I'm around) pre naps and bedtime. Sometimes after his nap if he's very groggy and whiny. And when I pick him up from nursery.
It's a maximum of 4 feeds a day. Apart from the early morning marathon feed (4 hours sometimes, aaargh!) they only last a couple of minutes. So I feel like I've gone as far down that particular path as I can.
I probably will cut out the day time feeds first when I'm leading up to stopping.
Nicely put about the one which has 'most value' for him. Has helped me put it in perspective a bit.