i think i'm just noy cut out for b/f

[PassMeTheKleenex]

i know it's early days, as DS is not even 3 weeks yet.

I am b/feeding, but really not enjoying it ...this isn't something you hear many other women saying, you hear about pain/difficulties/worry about supply. Am i the only one?

I feel like DS is attached to me 24/7 - so DH doesn't get a look in with him or me.
He sucks for comfort, when i can feel him nibbling/tickling the very tip of my nipple, which is not painful, but it's beginning to feel like torture, as mt nipples are really sensitive to any touch.

I can't honestly say that I get great feelings of b/feeding being a wonderful, bonding experience, a special thing that many other women seem to feel. So I concentrate on the 'logical' reasons for doing it ie the convenience (ha!), health reasons etc etc.

But I am starting to feel that this isn't enough to keep me going - like I say, I know it's early days - but when I hear 'don't worry, it will get better in 3 months, and you won't even remember this bit', it may as well be 10 years, as I honestly can't envisage getting through another 3 days, never mind 3 mths.

I am fed up of spending the day crying, and it can't be nice for DS to keep looking up to see tears running down my face.

I don't really know what I'm looking for, except maybe someone else who has felt like this to come and tell me how they got through it.

I mean thread not post

i think the point tryharder is making is that FF is not necessarily going to leave teh OP with more time

assuming her partner is working all day she is still going to be doing the majority of feeds. only as well as feeding the baby she will also be sterilising, washing, preparing formula, listening to baby cry while she gets bottles ready etc etc

it's easy to blame breastfeeding for problems in the early days. But pretty much everyone with a newborn feels a bit touched out, exhausted and needs a bit of "me" time, regardless of how they feed

happy mummy= happy baby is a load of old tripe. Breastfeeding IS better for your child, that is a fact. anecdotal evidence of "my baby was ff and is fine" is irrelevant and unhelpful. Overall FF babies do get sick more often, and have a higher mortality rate in the first year of life.
that is a fact

you being happy to formula feed does not change that.

and yes, you are right that an unhappy mother is not a good thing for a small baby either.
But the fact is that switching to formula may make no difference, and it comes with its own set of drawbacks

this is why most people on the thread have tried to offer sympathy and ways to get through this tough period, instead of just saying "oh formula feed, it's fiiiiine, my baby is just great"

if i had switched to bottle feeding when i was struggling with ds2 he would have been incredibly ill as he is actually intolerant to dairy

I despise the happy mummy=happy baby thing for myriad reasons. Because it doesn't negate fact and is simply not true and if you're not careful becomes a stick with which to beat unhappy, struggling or depressed mothers. Being happy helps the experience of parenting enormously but it's a trite and ill thought out adage.

I found bfing interminable for the first 6 weeks. I was suffocated, sad and struggled. But it got so much better and I exclusively fed for 7 months and am still feeding at 2.9.

You are not alone op. One feed at a time, one day at a time. It gets easier and don't forget you can express bmilk too in a few weeks.

Dummies are not the work of the devil either.

thisisyesterday -I don't understand the contradiction -

" happy mummy = happy baby is a load of old tripe"

" yes you are right that an unhappy mpther is not a good thing for a small baby"

I breastfed both mine so can't comment on formaula's effectiveness. I can comment on my experience, which is one of deep sadness and regret.

because a baby won't be happy just because its mother is.

but if a mother is particularly unhappy then yes, that can affect a child.

My experience of happy mummy = happy baby has been profound.

My DS ( now 6 ) was at war with the world from birth, I was a mess for the first 6 months, not a clue what I was doing, and did not do a good job parenting a difficult, angry, dissatisfied baby.

DD ( now 3 ) was an easy birth, breastfed with ease from 20 minutes after birth, at peace with the world, we were both blissfully happy and relaxed for a long time.

I am not saying a baby can't be happy if its mother isn't or vice versa. For me, a deeply unhappy baby made my unhappiness all the deeper. And my happy baby made me all the happier.

I felt exactly the same as you , OP, and I switched to formula after only 8 days.

In the scheme of things, it's a small part of parenting and I took comfort in the fact that she'd at least had all my colostrum.

Yes, if you say happy mummy = happy baby, then you say unhappy mummy = unhappy baby so mothers with PND start thinking if only I was happy, my baby would be happy too and it's not that simple. And what about a baby that cries and cries and cries but has a happy mother and the crying is just the way some babies are? That mum's happy but it isn't making the baby happy. Or what if pills and gin make me happy? Is that a happy baby formula. I'm being reductive, but trying to illustrate why it's a silly phrase.

A happy parent is a good thing for many reasons but that old cliche is redundant.

It's also used as a crutch to comfort when the truth is unpalatable. Bits of parenting are tedious and humdrum and monotonous and numb your faculties but you do them because it's part of parenting, you don't excuse neglecting those things with platitudes.

taffetacat your experiences are interesting and you have a lot to offer in terms of what you found to be true for you but I think the phrase is just too reductive and dragged out without thought.

Showofhands - I do take your point about the phrase.

But I did, to be fair, use it in the context of my experience rather than just generically ( if thats a word )

No, I understand and like I said, acknowledge that you have been through a lot and it means you're in a good position to understand and offer advice. I know people that have used that phrase as something to beat themselves with and am just mindful of its effects and use. I fully accept that being happy enabled you to better ensure the happiness of your child. Of course.

OP, I had a very similar experience and felt like you. I started FF at 3.5 weeks and instantly things were better. But tbh a few weeks later when I could think straight the regret really set in. I wish I had at least got the latch checked by a bfc (midwife useless) or gone to a baby cafe. I will never know if things could have improved. I know I will do all I possibly can with dc2 and I also know that FF won't be the end of the world if it still doesn't work out second time. Hope things get better for you soon whatever you decide.

PMTK, you need to speak to a bf counsellor, really - to help you with some advice about how to have some breaks between feeds. You sound "touched out" to me - like you need some time where you haven't got a baby on you, you don't feel like you're only there to be a buffet.

If he is comfort sucking and you have had enough, you can unlatch him - he may stay asleep, he may shriek for a bit. But DH can help you here - he can take him for a well-wrapped-up walk, either in the pram or, if you have one, a sling. That way you get a bit of time in the house where you're not "on duty" - you can have a doze, read, have a bath, etc.

It won't be like this forever, sweetheart - it is hard to adjust to being a mum, however you are feeding.

And, as Bloss found, it may be that you don't experience outrageous joy and bliss whilst breastfeeding. I think the hard sell can be unhelpful - I know women who felt like they "failed" in some way because they never had that almost religious experience of breastfeeding. But you may be no happier if you bottlefeed - and, statistically, unemotionally (if that's possible with this subject!), babies who are formula fed have more health issues in both the short and long term than babies who are breastfed - from gastroenteritis to higher cholesterol to diabetes.

So, you don't have to enjoy it for it to be doing good - don't put that pressure on yourself. You are quite likely to find that, as your baby gets older, you will find it getting subtly easier until it's second nature and there's no issue with it. And, who knows, you may well end up enjoying it - lots and lots of women feel as you do to begin with and go on to have long and lovely breastfeeding relationships with their babies.

But do get DH to take him out for a bit - and try to get some fresh air yourself too - you'll feel better for it.

Oh, and I agree completely with SOH about happy mum = happy baby. That phrase is the trite trillings of an empty-headed baboon.

Thanks to all for taking the time to reply.

I think it's safe to say I was at a particularly low point when I posted yesterday - hadn't been out for a week, definitely suffering from tiredness, DH back at work after paternity leave, getting to grips with 'normal' life after the novelty of the new arrival has worn off...

So, spoke to DH about how I was feeling. He admitted he had been reluctant to express any opinion about what to do, since he didn't want me to feel pressured into doing anything one way or another.

We dug out the emergency dummy and gave it to DS so I could actually eat dinner whilst it was still hot. Also had a glass of wine, which made me feel a bit more normal as well.

I am taking it one feed at a time - DH sterlised a couple of bottles, just in case I wanted to use them in the night - just knowing I had another option made things seem better, and I didn't use the bottles...

And we went out today.

So, in short, I have managed to do a lot of the sensible things that you have all suggested. And I do feel better. At this point yesterday, I had mentally talked myself into a place that seemed to be a dead end, so with a bit of perspective today, I feel more able to manage this and not blow it out of proportion.

And it is good to know that not everyone goes into raptures over b/f...it's not quite a chore, but certainly not the love-in you are led to expect. My expectations are now downgraded!

And I will make it to the Baby Cafe next week...

Thanks again for your time and responses, good to know I have somewhere to go

PMTK, you sound spades better than in your OP - it WILL get better, I promise you. One thing I would say - wait till morning to make any decisions about bf - don't stop in the middle of the night. Everything always seems easier in daylight - and, conversely, more difficult in the night!

Chin up, lovely - you're doing really well

Re comments about being bored while breastfeeding. I used to read, do the crossword, watch tv (and that was before Freeview!) or talk to friends (who usually had a similar age baby latched on themselves).

I found bf painful and problematic in the early days, but rejoiced later on that I'd persevered and now had the most convenient, cheap and easy way of nourishing and nurturing my baby.

It was not so much pleasurable for me, (once it stopped being painful) as just that I did not want to consider any other way.

What I'm saying is that it's a pity to go through the difficult bit at the beginning and not reap the benefits later on.

I think I managed 6 weeks in the end before moving over to bf/ff then full ff at 3 months.

I just couldnt get the hang of it, I spoke to my HV and she looked me in the eyes and said, if its stressing you, its stressing your dd and your body. Dont beat yourself up, you have done well.

That was all I needed to hear. My dd is now a happy, healthy 4.5 year old and I dont regret ff at all

Its your decision, and yours alone. Speak to your HV. I think there is far too much pressure to b/f imo. I felt incredibly guilty at the time, but I was just in tears all the time because I had a screaming hungry baby that I just could not satisfy. F/f settled her and my nerves! We couldnt be closer

I breastfed my DS till he was nearly 2 and am currently bfing DD who is 6 months.

With both of them it was hellish (although less so with DD as I knew it would get better) until about 6 weeks when overnight all the pain just went away, and it became a pleasure.

I can't promise this will be the case for you, but i do think it is worth persevering as formula feeding is such a faff.

Just take it one feed at a time and if it all gets too much then formula isn't the devil's work.

PMTK - I can only echo what has already been said, it DOES get easier. My DD is 9 weeks and has just started, in the last couple of days, going 2 hours between feeds (doesn't sound long I know but seems an age compared to half an hour).

I have been where you are and still have my moments now. A couple of weeks ago, I got so fed up and was in so much pain with a cracked nipple that I decided to give up. Although I couldn't quite bring to do it and expressed instead. But the constant circle of wash, sterilise, express, feed, wind was worst that the bf!!

This is a repeat of what has already been said but this is what gets me through:

1. Take it one day at a time. Friends told me it would get easier at 6 weeks and when it didn't I was in floods of tears. Now I set shorter targets, my last one being until the next HV visit. LO had put on loads of weight, which made me feel really proud and now that knowledge spares me on when I have a bad day.

1. For help with the backache, in the early days I got myself settled and really comfy with lots of cushions. I even got my boob out ready and then DH would bring the LO to me. This has become my 'bf station' and no-one else is allowed to sit there so it is always exactly as I need it. I have a basket with all the essentials - remote, phone, bottle of water, chocolate, fruit, lansinoh, muslin etc so everything is always to hand and I can easily switch sides.

1. For boredom, defo do what others have suggested and get some dvds or good books. I catch up on the soaps and other things I miss on an evening and in the early weeks I read during nightfeeds(have now learnt to feed lying down so can doze ). The way I look at is when else in your life are you going to get away with sitting on the sofa in your PJs all day, eating chocolate, avoiding the housework and watching chick flicks?! TBH I really miss not having an excuse to do nothing all day!!

Yes, bf might not be the perfect bonding/naturing experience we are led to believe and is bloody hard. We all know the benefits to baby which is why we do it so I found it better to think about the benefits to me - i.e. the opportunity to be lazy and get DH to do all the chores!!! After 2 days faffing on with bottles it is def the easier option and I am so glad I have stuck with it.

HTH x

It is much easier to get a toddler to relinquish the breast than a dummy.

Formula creates more mucus in the baby so makes colds worse - and more likely because less breastmilk = less protection against disease.

Saw a 9 year old girl the other day with extremely bad eczema on her face. Wondered how much breastmilk she had had as a baby.

Health outcomes for b-fed babies are better.

Oh for god's sake... presumably no one should adopt babies either as clearly ff will kill them all and they will have rash on their face and constant colds. Not everyone can breastfeed and shouldn't be pressurised to do so, it can cause so much anxiety that women feel like killing themselves out of guilt and inadequacy. And as far as I know most bottle fed babies from the 70s haven't turned out too bad...

I'm struggling massively myself despite speaking to many midwives, consultants, breastfeeding cafes, NCT helplines etc -and the constant emphasis on breastfeeding is making me very unhappy.

OP it took me many many weeks to "enjoy" BF-but one night I looked down and suddenly realised I was thinking "isn't it lovely to be sitting here with him in the middle of the night listening to him glugging" and then I had a little weep about how bloody hard work having a new baby was (not the first or the last weep!), but that was the moment things started improving. FWIW there are lots of things about mothering that you will feel you have been misled about in these early weeks...I was VERY bored for example...but thankfully, babies grow and hormones go and as everyone else says it really does get better.

Emmie - sorry you are having difficulties with bf. I was a formula fed baby from the 60s and am probably more healthy than most women my age. I even have a good relationship with my own mother and have never suffered from eczema.

Still think it's worth persevering with bf, but each to her own.