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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

hurtful nursing incidents in the space of a few days, feeling a bit upset.

31 replies

chocolateicecream · 31/12/2009 13:13

MIL phoned my husband on his work phone and asked him to ask me to BF my young baby descreatly. Apparently some of the other guests are uncomfortable with me feeding my baby (must of been talking about me). We had been invited round there for boxing day tea. Well my young baby had a cold and found nursing tricky and wanted to nurse frequently. Upset, we didn't go round. We have not seen them since and they have not made any contact (upset with them over other stuff too but this is BF post and would need to write essay!). We have not seen any family over Christmas.

A few days later an older woman walked up to me in Asda and told me that i am an exhibitionist for 'doing that' in public and telling me that i should stay at home... She was so rude and about all that i could manage was piss off you ignorent witch (taken a bit by suprise and still feeling hurt by the other day).

1, why do i have to make nursing like some kind of secrative act, i am not flashing? It is normal and I am a mammal.

2, I thought that i was being descreat, none of my husbands family have sucessfully BF, so how dare they comment on my technique?

3, why should i struggle and make nursing harder just to please others in case a bit of nipple or breast tissue may get seen?

I have been nursing for the past 4 years non stop, this is the first negative thing to happen so I know that i need to put it into perspective.

What short snappy comments do you mums have when faced with insult towards you BF?

Also, I wish mumsnet had a spell check, my spelling is so RUBBISH.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 31/12/2009 13:27

I am sorry that you have been having a hard time recently.

I only ever received nice comments regarding BF.

However, for perfect strangers I would have just said "go fuck yourself".

Don't know what to do about your MIL. How good is your relationship with her in general? Do you feel strong enough to phone her and tell her how upset you are with her and that you now don't feel comfortable visiting her?

HinnyPet · 31/12/2009 13:31

Love the "piss off you ignorant witch" - I will remember that one, well done!

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2009 13:40

yes, you need to tell your MIL how much she is hurting you

"why should i struggle and make nursing harder just to please others in case a bit of nipple or breast tissue may get seen? "
definitely. Are people really that sensitive that they will be so upset by a quick sight of a female breast. I've lost the will to worry about these people, as you say when you're feeding you tend to be concentrating on your baby

NickeeS · 31/12/2009 13:40

Each time I breastfeed in public, I am waiting for a comment but luckily I have only had one comment and that was from a old lady of 86 who commented on how lovily it was to see me feed. She told be she had fed her little girl on the bus once 6o years ago and how she felt so liberated bless her.

I would get OH to speak to him Mum and say you now wont be visiting as she has made you feel uncomfortable. My FIL feels uncomfortable, so he leaves the room.

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2009 13:42

yes, ive only ever had psitive comments from strangers & questions from family

tiktok · 31/12/2009 13:47

Horrible

Your OH should be the one to calmly tackle his mother about this, though. After all, she phoned him. He should have dealt with it firmly then and there - 'no, mum, that's not on. We're happy to visit and see the family, but you can't make this a condition of our visit. See you then!'

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 31/12/2009 14:15

bunch o'wankers. Try not to worry about them. There are lots of stupid people about... Tell your MIL to her face that, if she doesn't want you to BF in front of her, she'll need to stay away as her grandchild's well being comes before her squeamish sensibilities, so she won't see him until you finish breastfeeding. You can add "and that might be several years" if you really want to wind her up!!!

Feenie · 31/12/2009 14:28

"She was so rude and about all that i could manage was piss off you ignorent witch"

I think that was spot on, under the circs!

coldtits · 31/12/2009 14:30

I always wanted the opportunity to squirt breast milk at someone, sadly I never had it.

It seems that you are not in this unhappy situation. Enjoy!

Original poster
chocolateicecream · 31/12/2009 14:54

thank you so much for all your lovely posts, they are very helpful and are making me feel much better already.

Yes I think that the subject does need to be raised with my MIL and it may be a good idea to have my DH raise it. I wish that DH had said something at the time but he is a bit fed up with his parents at moment and was shocked by what she said. I feel a bit emotional about it all and quite nervouse at the idea of raising it too. I quite agree that if someone is uncomfortable with bf then they should leave the room. She should have that pointed out to her.

Oh and the irony of it all. I ordered an up-to-date copy of the Polotics of BF that MIL wrapped and gave me for Christmas (should have read it first), and the woman who confronted me in Asda did so in the dairy isle (probably buying her cows milk i guess)!

xxx.

OP posts:
WoTmania · 31/12/2009 15:05

Good Grief. The onus of discretion isn't just you - they an look away.
Well done on the 'ignorant old witch' comment.

babybouncer · 31/12/2009 16:54

Firstly, the woman in Asda was just plain wrong. It doesn't matter whether it's about breastfeeding or anything else, you don't just go up to people and insult them.

That said, before breastfeeding in someone's home (including mine if I have guests over) I always say 'I need to feed him, is it okay to do it here or should I go somewhere else?' or something along those lines. Everyone has always fallen over themselves to tell me that I can do it wherever I am comfortable. But I started because I utterly embarrassed a friend of mine, which made me feel terrible ( he didn't say anything, and tried to hide it, which made me feel worse).

What a shame your MIL couldn't have been more supportive, though. Breastfeeding is difficult enough at the best of times without people making you feel bad about it!

GenieoftheTramp · 31/12/2009 17:26

Rude, horrible witches.

I BF and no-one ever said anything to me (I was a tad hormonal though, proabably wouldn't have been in their best interest )

GenieoftheTramp · 31/12/2009 17:27

probably

minxofmancunia · 31/12/2009 17:42

how horrible for you, esp the woman in asda.

That said as another poster has mentioned, if I'm at someones house or we have guests at ours I go to a bedroom or separate area to bf. i prefer the peace and quiet tbh and I think it's just polite. I do bf in public but make sure I'm v discrete. Sure I'll get flamed for this post but it's just the way i rpefer to do things...

pigletmania · 31/12/2009 17:59

I am its things like this that really put women off bf, you are experienced op feeding for 4 years, but a new mum and baby might not have taken it as well at all. I do like the piss off you ignorant witch, well thats good enough imo she was!

Homebird8 · 31/12/2009 18:07

As far as the inlaws go, get DH to do the communication. As far as your own actions are concerned, just don't go back to their house until you are welcomed. Wanting you to shut yourself and baby away effectively all day due to LO's snuffles and regular feeding requests is unreasonable. They know you are BFing and that you cannot (and should not) stop just to satisfy their discomfort. I would definitely take this as not being welcome and explain your point to DH so that he can sort it out (either way). Perhaps you are not welcome there until your LO is weaned?

On a lighter note. Remember your emotions now and when you've finished feeding yourself (even when you're 80) find someone and encourage them whenever you can. We all remember those kindly comments too! I was approached by an elderly gentleman when BFing on a bench in a shopping centre. I was expecting the worst but he just smiled and said "I remember our Gladys doing that." Then he waved and went on his way (I like to think with a spring in his step)

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 31/12/2009 18:13

If someone came to visit me, I wouldn't offer to go somewhere else. They just have to get used to it. Nothing will change for the better unless people are put in uncomfortable situations and learn to get used to it.

LeoniedElf · 31/12/2009 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

babybouncer · 31/12/2009 21:36

I don't like putting people in uncomfortable situations, but I found that 'asking' people gave them a chance to avert their eyes if they wanted, or just warned them. Particularly if they hadn't really come across someone breastfeeding before.

I like the idea of making positive comments to people bfing in public - problem is they're always too discreet for me to notice!

What is your MIL's background with breastfeeding? Is there more to this than just your feeding in front of her friends?

Original poster
chocolateicecream · 02/01/2010 13:39

well here's an update. I am so over the evil witch in Asda. After reflection on this event and these comments, I am so going to make more lovely comments to bf mums that I see out and about. Sometimes the nicest impacts do come from strangers. I did have concern that the witch may have, does and will say nasty things to other bf mums, eg. new mums, but hopefully the response has silenced future attacks.

The MIL update. My husband spoke on the phone with his brother about the comments. I had been expected to go out of the way to nurse, out of respect for the grandparents. His brother thought it fair that i spend my time in the loo as it was just for one day!!! Apparently his mum didn't mean to offend me.

I got my husband to read this thread and he seemed quite keen for me to point out on here that it wasn't his mum herself who has the problem. I wonder how effectively he can get the message over. I also think that it is time to open up the can of worms on everything else that is a problem within the family.

Yes people do need to see mums nurse, continuing to hide won't change attitudes. A bit of cognative therapy for them.

OP posts:
mrsgboring · 02/01/2010 13:44

I too have been BF for four years straight and have only ever had one negative comment. I said, "That is why the good Lord gave you eyelids"

Original poster
chocolateicecream · 02/01/2010 13:47

Ha, love that comment Mrsgboring.

OP posts:
Minshu · 02/01/2010 14:29

It's crazy, innit? There are boobs in the papers and films all the time, so what can be wrong with them being used as nature intended?

I have steeled myself to suggest any nay-sayers stay in 'cos they're too ugly to be seen in public, but not had to, yet. Mine and DP's family are totally unfazed / supportive, fortunately.

Your BIL sounds like a loon - should ask if he often takes meals in the loo?

Dominique07 · 02/01/2010 14:38

The only negative comment I got was actually from SIL was "Thank goodness I don't BF or you wouldn't be able to keep your lunch down" directed to her DP but I completely ignored it and took it as HER Jealousy and embarassment that she hadn't been able to bf, also trying to point out some negatives to her DP. I really think its more about the person making the comment, and as you said the MIL and family didn't BF.

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