Am I being selfish/ a bad mother?

[SprinkleofStardust]

My DS is 12 weeks and I have been BF but giving him 1 bottle of formula at night since he was 3 weeks so that DH had a chance to feed him too and I got a break.

I really enjoyed the BFing but found (not realising I was such a control freak) that I struggled with not knowing how much he was having as he often faffed about on me, even before the bottle was introduced and most of the time would fall asleep within minutes, then wake up half an hour later screaming with hunger, but then still faffed about in a panicky fashion. He also had colic and reflux, which he is still suffering with, so I started expressing alot which helped relieve my worries, enabled us to give him the gaviscon easier and he was able to have a good feed in one go and be alot happier the rest of the time.
I would still give him a feed when we had plenty of time and we were both relaxed, which is something he also struggled with in the beginning as his muscles down his right side were really tight, as he was stuck inside me whilst I was pushing for 2 1/2 hours before they delivered him with forceps, we took him to a cranial osteopath to help relieve that.

So having gotten very little sleep before he was even born (69 hour labour), then feeding every half hour which wasn't always very enjoyable if he got panicky, colicky and then very sick I was so ridiculously tired I felt sick all the time, had no energy to play with him, was snappy with DH and although enjoying being a mummy and loving my little boy just sat watching tv cuddling him. Whereas now, having the bottles he is sleeping more throughout the night so we're getting more sleep and I have more energy to play with him and DH looks safe to drive to work which he hasn't done for a few weeks now.

My problem is that the expressing is really taking it out of me, so occasionally I'd give him an extra ff and have found that that really satisfies him a lot more and he'll sleep for a couple of hours longer at night, nearly going through. I'm now considering giving up the BF and just sticking with the formula as he seems happier and more satisfied, he sleeps better it's easier for me and I have more energy when I don't have to express or take an hour to feed him properly off me and as he's sleeping more I get more sleep and don't feel like a zombie. Does that make me selfish? I feel like I'll be losing something special with him if I stop even though everyone comments on what a close bond we have already and how happy he is. I wanted to BF until he was 6 months as it's what's claimed is best for him and I'm beating myself up at the thought of stopping now. On another purely selfish note I'm quite liking that it is helping me lose weight, although with more energy I'd be able to start exercising again...

Sorry this is such a long post, I'm just feeling so confused I don't know what to do...

As you probably have already seen the BF vs FF debate can get pretty heated on here so I step in with some trepidation.

I honestly and truly believe that there is nothing wrong with FF at all.

I understand all the reasons why "breast is best" but I also think there is an incredible pressure placed on mothers to BF so that FF then becomes loaded with guilt and/or a feeling of failure.

Please do what you need to do to keep both you and your baby happy.

Good luck.

agree with starlight, it isn't something that personally I would do. I think that breastfeeding is the single most important thing you can do for your child to give it the best start in life, and you're lucky enough to be able to breastfeed successfully.

is it selfish? yes. you're putting your needs before those of your child.
whether or not that is the right decision for you and your family isn't something that any of us on here can tell you though. you have to make that decision yourself.

Have you spoken to anyone at the breastfeeding helplines. I found them immensely helpful. La leche league, national breastfeeding helpline etc.
In the end it is YOUR choice though. I only fed my DD for a couple of weeks and regretted it ever since. My DS is now 10 months and I'm still BFing him. I found it so difficult with my DD but knew more of what to expect second time round which made things a bit easier and clearer. Speak to some experts and get some advice and then go from there. Enjoy your baby! Whatever you decide - you sound like a great mum who just wants to enjoy every minute with their baby.

Take care x.

Breast feeding isn't the be all and end all of motherhood although you would be forgiven for thinking so by how judgmental and opinionated some people can be about it. Have you seen your baby smile yet? Magic isn't it

Sprinkleofstardust you have already done an amazing job of giving your baby 12 weeks of breast milk whatever you decide.

sprinkle - I don't think this is a decision you can have validated by other people....you have to decide what your priorities are for yourself, and only you can rate the different aspects of it, and how far your energy levels are affected by expressing/breastfeeding and so on.

You can talk it through on the helplines, and they will listen and not judge...but they won't make your choices for you

Thank you for the reasonable advice and support, nicnac73 DH is definitely with you. Our DS smiles loads and has bonded with us both and yes it is magical.

Maybe I am being selfish to want to have more energy to enjoy my child and to be able to play with him properly so he grows into a sociable, imaginative, secure boy and a well rounded man.

I know the decision is ultimately up to me and I feel that I may have been a tad naive to post on here as I didn't realise quite how strong opinions can be.

Belle I agree with you regarding the implication of failure and guilt so thank you for your reminder that both of our happiness is paramount.

Fandango Well done for BFing for so long with your 2nd, I'm sure your bond with your 1st is just as strong. I have arranged to see a BF counsellor on Friday to discuss things more indepth.

I will see how things go and try to stop pressurising myself as that is not helping any of us.

Sprinkle - I can understand why you would consider moving to formula feeding when you have so much extra work with expressing. You don't sound as though you have ever experienced the ease of breastfeeding exclusivley and perhaps that is something you might want to explore first. I do get concerned when there is the perceived need for fathers to bottle feed babies to bond with them. In my experience it leads to an increased workload for breastfeeding women which often takes it's toll. Perhaps talking over your confidence issues about knowing when your baby has had enough, with breastfeeding supporters may be helpful to you.
Only you can make the decision about how to feed your baby and what suits your family.

Have just read back my post and realised that I meant to put a fullstop after saying thank you, not a comma. Therefore I was thanking everyone, not just nicnac. Sorry for the confusion Starlight, I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

I commented on being selfish to want more energy not to imply that BFing as a whole will not give that, but in my individual circumstances I am finding it very draining and was upset that it was implied that if I did not BF then I would be harming my child.

All I wanted was either advice on how to do both, or not struggle so much with the BFing and to get some support that if FF was the way I decided to go that there is no need to feel so guilty. I am sorry that you have misunderstood.

Mears thank you, I will discuss all of this with the BF counsellor on Friday and hopefully will come to a happy outcome.

Sprinkle just another thing to think of - my DS had one bottle (of formula - couldn't express) in the night from about 10 weeks because I was sooooo knackered. Initially we found he slept a much longer chunk after it, which was great, but I found that he soon 'got used' to digesting it, and was waking just as soon as he was after a BF. So please be aware that formula feeding might NOT give you back the energy and everything you crave.

Another couple of points:

1. Growth spurts may mean you're up repeatedly in the night making fresh formula, which will knacker you and your DH out again
2. I found BFing much easier after evil 5 month growth spurt, partly because once we started weaning at 6 months his milk feeds were all over the shop and it was a lot easier to offer a BF than get a bottle ready.

I would describe myself as a very successful mixed feeder (some women aren't/can't be), but I still think that on the whole, the only benefit of formula over BFing was that I could have a bit of sleep while DP did it. Everything else about it was more hassle.

Sorry, can't help with the expressing thing, except to suggest you talk to the BF counsellor about exclusive BFing rather than indirect BFing - expressing does rather seem to be the worst of all worlds.

Good luck with your decision though, and I hope you can come to a decision you and your family are content with.

Sprinkle - Its great that you're going to discuss this with a breastfeeding counsellor.

Well done for breastfeeding for 12 weeks.

I agree with Mears and others that expressing makes the whole breastfeeding thing more tiring and time-consuming. I did express sometimes with my first, as DH had this idea that he would do some feeds to give me some time off, but we quickly stopped as expressing the milk took longer than me feeding him myself. I've heard from other women than an evening bottle of formula interfered with their supply so daytime feeds would then take longer.

My mum fed me for 3 months, but all my younger siblings for a year. I'm the only one who has severe allergies (I carry an epipen as they're so severe) and my mum beats herself up for not feeding me herself for longer. I know she shouldn't, and tell her that often, but her feelings on the subject has kept me breastfeeding each of my babies when the going gets tough.

Hi - I expressed for 6 months for both my boys and it really is hard work and I considered stopping so many times.

Another thing for you to think about though is the immune benefits of your ds having some breastmilk - my sons definitely got sick more when I stopped expressing for them.

I don't know how many times you express and if you do it at night? When it got a bit much for me I would cut down on the no of expresses ,then at least he was still getting some. Stopping the night express also really helped although I found it easier to get more milk with the night express.

Or if your son will do direct breastfeeding still, you could just do that whenever you can and ff the rest ofthe time. Any breast milk at all is a benefit to him.

Good luck

It is totally your decision. If I hadn't given up breastfeeding I would have ended up in the nuthouse, or put my ds up for adoption. i couldn't cope with the constantness.

Personally I don't find FF anymore faff, considering how long it used to take me to get him to latch on, and how cross and frustrated I would be become with myself and him.

It saved my relationship with ds and I actually wanted to hold him and cuddle him, which I didn;t want to when BF as I felt that all I did was feed.

Maybe my decision was selfish, but it was the best one for my family. He needed a sane mother, more than he needed breastfeeding. However FF doesn't make him sleep longer- just means I can share the feeding.

Message withdrawn

Just a last thought that, in my experience, midwives and health visitors make it sound like breastfeeding is an all or nothing thing but if you can get some kind of mixed feeding going then that's great and better (from a health perspective) for your ds than all ff. Even if the bfeeding is a really small part of it - one feed a day or something.

I'm saying this not because I think you'd be a bad mother if you stopped altogether but because you sound so conflicted about stopping and maybe having a compromise would make you feel better?

Ok, finished now - hope the bfeeding counsellor helps.

It's really up to you....personally I felt guilty for a couple of weeks and then liberated when I gave up bf my first two, I had had bad advice and had to stop at 16 weeks...
With my next two I fed each for a year, I wanted to feed each for a year and I did. I would have felt guilty again, although probably not for long...

12 weeks is a particularly tough time as they usually feed a lot.

I'm on the fence on this one. Otoh I think breastfeeding is a wonderful thing and something that should really be encouraged. When it's good, it's good.

Otoh I really regret that I did not give up when my own and dcs medical situation meant that it became very very hard for us. I think it was partly because I was so very well supported that that made it harder for me to justify giving up.

When you have breastfeeding counsellors racking their brains to come up with a solution, 'oh, but how if you express first, and then breastfeed for half an hour, and then feed the hindmilk with a syringe, and then express the hindmilk for next meal, and then feed the medicine...and then start again in 2 hours time?', it feels somehow ungracious to point out that you are not sure you can cope with such a punishing regime. So I never did. Even though it also meant I had to stay on medication that made me badly depressed, because the meds without those side effects were not tested for bf'ing.

But then again, there are so many stories of people who have persevered and been really glad they did.

SoS sorry if you explained this in your OP, but why are you expressing at all?
(baby brain here)

Sprinkle, my first bf relationship was with my dd (now 6) and it was very much like yours getting bf with dd established was awful and a massive uphill struggle and never in the end got properly off the ground.

I did give up bf eventually after months and months of expressing and although I didnt feel guilty as such as at the time I knew I was doing what I had to do at that moment in time.
Looking back now I realise it was down to lack of proper support from the outset and proper support during. At that time I had no idea about bf councillers, peer support or even somewhere like Mumsnet to tell me what was normal and get some decent advice and support.
After I had moved ofer to ff I found sites like mumsnet and that bf help was out there so when I was pg with ds I was determained I was going to get it right this time.
I researched and found out what was normal spoke to other mums online the lot and the result was that when ds came along we did it, I fed him for 18 months.

When I think back to all the growth spurts all the money spent on formula, cleaning making up bottles I honestly don't know how I did it as bf was far easier once we got the hang of it.

I suppose what i'm saying is that give it a chance speak to the bf councellor and find out what you need to do to go on from here honestly from a woman who has been on both sides of the fence if you can keep bf and drop the expressing and bottles you will be thankful when you look back.

I have been there with the expressing for the same reasons as you, and I'm not sure how people can bf a baby with reflux and trouble with a latch and keep sane. When the baby pukes the whole bf up your body can't just make another satisfying feed immediately (yes I know there is always something there but it's not the same as a feed after 3 hours). So the baby screams with hunger. Also, lots of babies with reflux like to gobble a massive feed as it can soothe the symptons short term.

I manged (with lots of help) to bf my second child and quality of life was sooooo much better.

I don't know what advice to give you, just that I wouldn't judge you for stopping as I have been there and it is REALLY hard. BUT I am glad that I managed the six months, you haven't got much longer to go and it will be easier than the bit you've already done. It is good that you are seeing the bf cllr and I hope they can help but it's going to be more difficult after this amount of time.

Also, if it makes any difference to your decision I don't think moving from bf to ff will make the need for night feeds go away.

I actually never found any extra problems with ds and his bad reflux TBH.
Yeah getting the meds in was a faff at first but we soon got that into the routine no problem.
Do agree though that ff does not necessarily make them sleep longer never did with dd and most other babies I know.