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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Did anyone give up breastfeeding because it was so hard/exhaustion?

77 replies

roslily · 25/09/2009 18:40

I am struggling with the intensity. I have been diagnosed with PND. Things have improved slightly but at the beginning of this week I refused to feed DS when he was brought to me by husband. I just couldn't take it anymore I just wanted a rest.

He is back to feeding nearly hourly, which means I struggle to rest. I believe so strongly in breastfeeding and was so determined to succeed, but I worry that I am close to cracking point. I am beginning to resent baby, and don't want to spend any time with him apart from feeding. And I don't get that warm, feeling you are supposed to get wathing them feed.

So much of me doesn't want to give up, but I fear I am approaching my cracking point.

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 28/09/2009 08:21

green poo is usually fine on its own but maybe ring your HV if you are worried? Green poo can be more common during growth spurts if they are feeding a lot and getting a lot of fore milk.

For example - if you switch sides at the beginning of each new feed then they might just get mostly fore milk each time. This does something technical that I cant remember in terms of digestion. It can make them gassy and it can make their poo green.

Randomly both my DC's had the odd green nappy.

However if you are worried ring the HV and ask.

How are you feeling?

aoifesmama · 28/09/2009 15:46

Hi roslily, how are things today? xx

roslily · 28/09/2009 18:17

Better. Doctor thinks he has reflux, so has given us some infant gaviscon. Getting it in him is a bit of a battle, but hopefully it will improve things.

My Hubbie bought a small carton of formula and just seeing it as given me the kick o need to continue breastfeeding. we have agreed that when he goes to work I will do nothing but feed and sleep, and maybe go for one walk a day.

I have a new determination to succeed at this. The nights are still hell but with expressing I am hoping Hubbie can do a feed so I can get a longer stretch of sleep.

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 28/09/2009 20:37

It sounds like you are doing fantastically - and I'm glad your doctor is supportive. Fingers crossed in getting that gaviscon in!

Feed and sleep? Sounds perfect to me. When you are breastfeeding I always think it is your job to nourish the baby and his job to nourish you . Perhaps he could make you some sandwiches or something in the evening so you can have them during the day if its one of those days!

Oh and I recommend starbucks chocolate fudge cake. Word of warning though - not every day (or more than once a day) or you will end up a) very very poor b) heavier than when you were 9 months pregnant

Hope things keep improving

CultureMix · 29/09/2009 17:24

Hi Rosilly, just to add some words of support here. It is really difficult those first few weeks, does get better. I haven't had PND but still found the first weeks exhausting in particular first time round, as you just haven't experienced that before [yes you get people talking of sleepless nights but that doesn't mean much]. It's the relentless aspect of it that I found hard, there is no switching off, but you can try to ease the way. And yes it does get better, DS2 is 4 months and we can now do a quick feed of 5 minutes each side if necessary, though he does have long feeds too so I can MN to really fill up. For reference, I've heard - and found myself - that for a newborn it can take 20 mins each side they do get much more efficient as they get bigger. And the first few weeks they cluster feed in the evening and seem to feed continuously for 3-4 hours -- it seems endless.

Much the same recommendations as everyone else:
1- get out!
if you have a garden, even just stepping outside with baby and walking round for 5 minutes can help -- I'll walk around and comment on the bushes, the roses, the weeds etc, and baby loves looking at leaves up close. Don't know if it's the wind, or the sky, or what but this usually calms baby (and me). Love the "air the baby" expression someone used earlier. I've even done this at night, we look at the moon and the stars and it helps clear your mind.

But do go beyond the garden and out for at least half an hour if not several hours. The key is talking to other people, it gets you functioning normally again. A baby is a great icebreaker, you can talk to anyone. Other new mums will love to chat for ages.

2- get comfortable
For those nighttime feeds, here's what helps for me:

  • a clock (not a loud ticking one), I'd rather know what time it is, how long he's been feeding etc
  • a breastfeeding nightie with buttons down the front + a nice thick fleece robe; I get cold and need this, it really helps
  • a glass of water at hand (prepared in advance): I always get thirsty when feeding
  • go to the loo before picking up baby, even if he's screaming for another 3 minutes; once you've started feeding it's uch harder to interrupt things
  • lots of pillows and footstool if required; you need to hold the pose for a long time so be prepared -- for me I never had much luck with feeding lying down so need a good sitting setup

Not clear from your earlier posts, is the baby latching on ok? If your nipples are raw / sore it's sooooo much harder. Is there a local BF counsellor you can see? I had a great one who watched me feeding and pinpointed the issue (sore on one side; I was holding baby too far round the side of my body rather than the front ifkwim). Just a very subtle repositioning required but it made all thedifference and was such a relief.... you've got enough to deal with, breastfeeding should not hurt.

One more tip I haven't used but a friend has. If you cuddle the baby he may want a feed (though not need one) just because you smell of milk. So wear one of your husband's T-shirts (used but not filthy ).

Sorry for long post, hope maybe this helps.

JetLi · 29/09/2009 17:59

Hi roslily - those first 4 weeks are very, very hard - I never thought we'd make it but we did. The first day DP went back to work I thought I would fall apart but we made it through OK. Then the second day wasn't as hard and so on. By the looks of the thread I was like you in that DP went back on a Monday so it was a whole week before I had him at home all day again, to help out.
On a practical level, could DH make you a packed lunch before he goes to work? Can he sort out tea for you when he gets home? Eating reasonably well will help you to recover from giving birth. Staying in bed with the baby is great in those early days. I used to get up with DP in the morning, get a bath or shower whilst he looked after the baby, put clean PJ's on and go back to bed with DD, and spend lots of time just resting and feeding and watching TV. I took Floradix too which helped with the post-birth tiredness. Fresh air is great - even just sitting in the garden in my dressing gown helped, and when I got a bit more into the swing of it all, I would put DD outside the back door in her pram to get some fresh air whilst I pottered in the kitchen.
I'm in Sheffield so can get to you in Leeds if you need help

JetLi · 29/09/2009 18:06

Oh and I nearly cracked on the BF front loads of times in the early days. IMHO we're designed all wrong - we ought to be able to learn how to BF and establish breastfeeding at least 1 month before the baby is born!! Then the BF would be the easy bit and we could concentrate instead on recovering from the birth. Sadly since the baby is a crucial aspect of breastfeeding, my plan will never fly

cathylb · 30/09/2009 14:48

I'm with you. I can remember lying sobbing on the kitchen floor when presented by my husband with a crying hungry baby. I was so exhausted I just didn't think I could do it any more. If you give one bottle it might fill baby up enough to get a decent amount of sleep. I found if I got 4 hours I could just about cope. Things will get easier, honest xx

roslily · 30/09/2009 18:21

Well today was hard. He is still fighting at breast, screams, pulls my nipple.

God I am so close to giving up.

OP posts:
millimummy · 30/09/2009 18:56

Hallo there. Please do not give up breastfeeding yet; you sound as though you are doing really well. As everyone else has said, a walk with baby (in sling if you can manage) once a day will help you. And do get into bed and breastfeed and have a duvet day. Make yourself a flask of something (fennel tea with honey always helped me). Get some nice sandwiches (buy them when you are on your walk so you do not have to cook). A radio. A magazine. Have everything within reach so you can be as snug and comfortable as possible.

And do please call LA LECHE LEAGUE. They are 24 hrs. Breastfeeding counsellors who are all mothers who have breastfed for at least a year. All you pay is the cost of the telephone call but they can even help find someone to come to your house.

Here is the number: 0845 120 2918

tiktok · 30/09/2009 18:57

roslily, it's not clear if you have had any outside, real life help...have you tried any of the bf organisations? They should listen, support, not judge and maybe come up with something you haven't tried yet.

Would be a good idea to ask them about the fighting, I think.

millimummy · 30/09/2009 19:02

How are you? Sorry I cannot be more help. But I really recommend LLL. They helped me and they will find someone local to help; maybe a breastfeeding mothers group so you can swap stories and get some face to face contact with other people who have been through what you are going through

roslily · 30/09/2009 19:15

I have only had support from HV and midwives at babycafe.

I will call them. I have read everything on kellymom. It isn't fast let down, as it just dribbles out.

Husband wants to buy formula. He says I am a shadow of my former self. He says that happy family is about a happy mummy too. I really, really hate breastfeeding. I never, ever thought I would say that. I am so pro-breasfeeding, never thought I woud give up.

i tried to stay in bed, but he is a grizzly baby and hardly sleeps. he screamed in sling today. i feel wretched

OP posts:
tiktok · 30/09/2009 19:22

I am glad you're going to call...they will help you sort out whether it is breastfeeding you're hating or the whole overwhelming sadness and tiredness connected with your depression and the 'after-shock' of being a mum.

I agree with your dh that babies do need their mums not to be wretched and lost..you seem so lost in your posts They can cope pretty well if mum is not happy, I think, but deep-down-black-hole-misery is not good The task is to judge whether you would be any better without breastfeeding...or whether not breastfeeding would bring its own set of feelings.

I hope you get the right sort of help.

millimummy · 30/09/2009 20:00

Our dd had reflux (projectile vomiting) and we tried a couple of slings to see which one worked best. EG baby bjorn because she was upright. A wrap around sling did not work for either of us (although other people I know got on very well with them). In the end I went with the baby bjorn and a ring sling depending upon my mood and/or what I needed to do.

Your husband is right in the sense that a balance has to be found happy mummy, happy mummy.

And whilst I agree that three weeks can be tough (perhaps less support than before but still as overwhelming; growth spurts; hormones; etc), it is still early days. We are led to believe that breastfeeding is natural.

And it is. But that does not mean it is easy. Without support, it is very very difficult.

As I said earlier, do please call LLL.

If he is fighting, there could be a number of reasons. The reflux may be causing the acid to travel up his oesophagus. He may have oral thrush... not exhaustive list. It may feel on some level like some kind of rejection of you but there is probably a physiological simple explanation. And a solution.

You say you are pro-breastfeeding and did not think you would give up.

But listen: you have not given up yet. You are talking to us. It is a work in progress.

And if you do decide to stop breastfeeding you have given your ds three weeks of your milk which is a good start.

kellymom is also a useful resource but I think you need to hear a voice and LLL is a very good place to start.

millimummy · 30/09/2009 20:12

Sorry just to clarify something. Three weeks is a long time. But it is still early days. Three weeks if you plan to bf for six months? Still early days. Three weeks if you plan to bf for a year? Still early days.

Relationships usually take time to establish, some longer than others. It is the same with the breastfeeding relationship. Your son is learning to breastfeed as are you.

LLL helped when I was close to giving up. Am hoping that you will be encouraged enough to call them.

I also found Jack Newman's The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers: The Most Comprehensive Problem-Solving Guide to Breastfeeding. Available from Amazon.

Good luck.

pinkteddy · 30/09/2009 20:14

rosily, you remind me so much of myself when dd was born. Like you I was pro breastfeeding and was very determined. But by the time dd was 3 weeks old, I hated breastfeeding. I would dread feeding time and every time dh brought dd to me for a feed, I would be cringing. It definitely affected my bond with her. I never cuddled her in case she started crying for a feed. She spent most of her first weeks in a moses basket . Like you I didn't have a fast let down, in fact I never leaked at all. I started topping up with formula milk thinking dd was hungry and then because I was doing this more and more frequently my milk supply completely dried up. I didn't know about mumsnet then and had no one to advise me. People do successfully mix feed though and maybe someone on here could advise you to give you a bit of break but continue breastfeeding?

Even though I hated breastfeeding by the time I stopped, I was devastated. I totally blamed myself and I felt very guilty for a long time. However, the rational part of me knew that in the scheme of things it wasn't really that important. dd (now aged 6)is a healthy, happy child and we are very close. I suppose what I am trying to say is, don't beat yourself up over this, if you want to stop feeding stop. What you are doing is great and your ds will benefit from the breastmilk he has had so far. Please don't feel guilty - plenty of babies are thriving on formula. As tiktok says though, if you stop it will bring its own set of feelings and you need to be prepared for that. Good luck, I hope you get the help you need. I wish I'd had mumsnet when dd was small!

thisisyesterday · 30/09/2009 20:29

oh roslily, it is so hard sometimes isn't it?
i felt a lot like you did when i had ds2. It was awful, and i didn't even have pnd, so i think you';re doing really well to carry on

ds2 fed literally every 45mins-1hr. round the clock.
there were times when i did the same as you and just refused to feed him. i just couldn';t take it any more. there was no more "mummy" in me to give to him. there were trimes when i actually hated him
i understood how people could hurt their own children
and yet at the same time i felt hideously guilty for feeling that way.

i think i might have given up if it hadn't been that he had a dairy intoerlance so it wasn't jsut a case of going and getting some formula

anyway, enough of the bad stuff. you know what? it got better. it got a LOT better. he always fed frequently, but once i got used to the lack of sleep and figured out ways round that, and ot more people helping me with stuff it started to improve.
i can honestly saythat prob the 3-8 week period was the worst, and from then on it just got better, even though i was sleep deprived

i fed him til he was 16 months, and only stopped then as he wouldn't feed when iw as pregnant. i was gutted.

it IS hard work to start with, but the benefits in the long run are so, so so worth it IMO. i ended up really loving breastfeeding and the beautiful relationship i had with my son because of it.

i hope that things improve for you soon, and please do keep using us to vent to!

thisisyesterday · 30/09/2009 20:35

one other thing i wanted to add

you say you really, really hate breastfeeding.

bt do you? is it the act of feeding that you hate?
or is it the situation?cos, you know you could give up breastfeeding and find yourself in exactly the same place. only with bottles to sterilise and formula to buy and make up while baby screams

i think it's very easy to blame breastfeeding for certain things, and esp other people seem to think it's the problem when it isn't.

i also think that when you're in the midst of pnd, and the baby is feeding frequently it's easy to want to give up- but a bad time to be making such big decisions. once things are back on an even keel you might really regret it?

i only say this because i gave up with my first little boy. i too swallowed all that "happy mum happy baby" crap. and you know what? it didn't make me happy. it made me very, very unhappy. i wanted to breastfeed, and i was left not even being able to do the most basic thing for my child, which was to feed him.
the plethora of guilt and bad feelings i had from giving up breastfeeding was worse than how i felt when i thought breastfeeding was causing all my problems.

do you see what i'm getting at?

Sherona · 30/09/2009 21:04

Roslily, I just joined mumsnet to write this because I felt exactly the same way when I was breastfeeding. I gave up after two weeks so you are doing a lot better than I did.

I was bleeding and in a lot of pain. A million midwives and HVs come to check how DS was latched on and all said it was fine - it was only when he was 8 weeks old a HV discovered he had a tongue tie. That would have been good to know at the time because I felt incredibly guilty about stopping but luckily I had a HV who was very supportive. She said that I should do what was best for our family and that if I was miserable it wasnt good for DS either. I was the same as you - I dreaded feeding him and would use excuses to put it off. I used to sit crying for the whole feed.

Like you, I was (and am) a great believer in BF but the relief when I switched to FF was unbelievable. I'm not saying to give up if you want to continue, but dont beat yourself up if you do decide to stop. My son is almost 14 weeks now and has thrived on formula and I am so much happier too.

I actually cried when I read your messages because they brought back how bleak those early days were. My heart goes out to you and I hope you start to feel better soon.

MilaMae · 30/09/2009 23:20

Roslily I posted way back.

It is horrible realising bf isn't how it's portrayed to be but bloody hard work and for many of us a nightmare. It's a shock,a total shock when you've put so much mental commitment into it before hand.

This is not your fault and has no baring on you as a mother. Some mothers find it very easy others don't,this is no reflection on you as a mother and believe me you will have a beautiful relationship with your son however you feed him. Also all of this will fade, I can't believe I was as wretched as you but I was.

I came to the decision to stop because I knew however miserable I'd feel not bfing it wouldn't be as bad as how miserable I was feeling bf iykwim and I was right. It was totally the right decision for me. Unfortunately only you can work this decision out for you. With the pnd it's very hard for you to work out for yourself.

Try to concentrate on you but keep expressing so you're covered if you can, I think you need to ring your hv tomorrow and get her round-is she any good? Explain that you need some help working this out and how committed you are. I'm wondering if she could get hold of somebody quite up on pnd to visit. They could perhaps help you work things through. I'm sure I had a couple of visitors,no idea who they were though now

How are the ads going?

Wishing you all the best and wish I could do more to help.

millimummy · 01/10/2009 08:41

Hallo. Hope things are a bit better this morning. Perhaps you have managed to get some help?

Am still wondering about latch, sore nipples etc. If the latch is right, you should not be getting sore nipples. Am wondering if perhaps you have candida in the nipples. I say this because I had thrush in the milk ducts which went undiagnosed (until Jack Newman... hence my reverence for JN). So painful.

Do please let us know how you are getting on.

starwhores · 01/10/2009 08:49

What about sure start?
Have you considered acid reflux? Is your baby very uncomfortable, arching his back, vomiting?
Green poo I had thought was a sign of hunger?
It also sounds like your baby has wind. Perhaps ask you HV to come and see him feed and fuss.

It will get better. My advice is to have no expectations and nothing to do except look after your baby, go for walks yourself with baby in a sling or pram a few breaths of fresh air can do wonders.

starwhores · 01/10/2009 08:53

Ooops, I didn't read that he had been diagnosed. When we gave dc4 infant gaviscon we used a syringe and sterilised water which was easier than giving a bottle.

Longtalljosie · 01/10/2009 10:28

Roslily there have been so many helpful posts - I just wanted to say, don't beat yourself up because you think you should be feeling something - "a warm glow" - when you breastfeed. Says who? There's a lot of guff about how parenting should be, not all of it helpful. If you're finding something challenging you're not going to be revelling in it, it stands to reason. It doesn't say anything about you. You are a good mother, I promise. You wouldn't be writing all of this if you weren't x