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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

If your toddler is naughty or having a strop and asks to breastfeed, do you refuse?

42 replies

RoRoMommy · 20/08/2009 07:54

My DS is 29 months and a really avid breastfeeder. when he's upset, he asks for "tito", and I give it to him unless there are other, more obvious ways of comforting him (he bumps his head, I kiss it, for example), or it is impossible or inconvenient at the time.

But I do not refuse or withhold breastfeeding if he's having a strop and requests it, as I find it calms him quite effectively. My husband thinks this is coddling, and that tito should be refused if he is being naughty. I don't want to use breastfeeding as behaviour currency. Am I being unreasonable? What do others do?

OP posts:
sophieandbelly · 20/08/2009 08:06

i dont breast feed my daughter so my opinion my mean nothing to u, but if my daughter (22 mnths) was misbehaving and then asked for a bottle as a way to calm her down then no i wouldnt give it to her, a bottle for us is a before bed time thing.
as if i gave it to her she would ask all the time, dont want her to full for a proper dinner etc.
is there nothing else that comforts ds? snuggley blanket/soother?

tattycoram · 20/08/2009 08:12

I would breastfeed. One of the big advantages of ebf is that you have a fantastic means of soothing an upset toddler. He's not in control of his emotions yet and if it calms him down then I would do it.

WoTmania · 20/08/2009 08:16

DS2 is 27 months and still BF. If he is heading for a tantrum I often offer and it stops it in its tracks. He doesn't tantrum anything like s much as DS1 did at this age (he stopped at 13 months)
I think it provides security and comfort when they are dealing with very intense emotions. They tantrum because they can't express these emotions.
HTH

gypsymoon · 20/08/2009 08:18

I think it depends on what he's being 'naughty' about....is he tired, frustrated, confused? All difficult emotions for a little one to handle. I think it's up to mama (and daddy) to be there in these moments to comfort and reassure...

I still breastfeed my DD2 who is 2...she's hugely attached to 'bobo' and yes, sometimes I refuse but it's usually when I'm tired or busy doing something and she's just bored...

I agree with you. Breastfeeding is definitely the quickest and most effective way to calm an irritated little one. Hw lucky your little one is to know that mama will always be there and love him even when he's not being an angel.

I'm sure he doesn't quite understand why he's feeling the way he is in these moments. These emotins can be too big and too scary. Perhaps whiles he's having tito have a little chat...obviously he's too little to interact in a conversation about his behaviour, but it can't hurt to talk to him about what he was doing and how it affects you/daddy/siblings etc.

He's a very lucky little boy. What a lovely mama.....

Grendle · 20/08/2009 09:00

Have you seen "Mothering your nursing toddler" by Bumgarner? It's an interesting read.

Breastmilk provides comfort, sugar, fluid and is lovely for calming a tired child. If you suspect any of these needs might be causing the deterioration towards meltdown then a breastfeed seems to me to be a good option for heading it off at the pass. I might be tempted to offer before it gets into a big strop though. I have on occasion used a breastfeed to calm down a child who has wound themselves up through tantrum into a state where they are a dribbling wreck and can no longer calm themselves. At that point, no matter what technique you use, I think they need help to regulate their own emotions, and a breastfeed is one way of achieving this.

I'm much better than I used to be about maintaining empathy when my toddler gets stroppy, as if I try to see the world from her point of view, often I can understand her frustration. With dc1 it was much harder to do that. Of course, that doesn't mean she gets whatever she wants, and sometimes that means handling the fallout.

You know your child best, so I'd go with yor instinct .

Babieseverywhere · 20/08/2009 09:10

You are not being unreasonable, we do the same here.

I find my 3 year old DD will request milk when she is getting tired, upset, angry, ill. As I trust that she knows at some level that is what she needs.

I suspect this is why we rarely have tandrums and the ones we have are low level and short lived...of course now I have posted this everything will change

Babieseverywhere · 20/08/2009 09:16

Also I use the nursing time (if she has been upset, angry or frustrated) to talk thing s through with her. She listens better with her mouth full.

So I can explain why she can't eat icecream all day or eat the sausage she found on the floor or whatever.

pigletmania · 20/08/2009 09:53

I am comming at this from a totally differnt point of view as i ff and hope that i can word it sensitively as i can. I have a 2.5 year old, at that age yes different emotions can be overwhelming and they can be scary but they also are learning boundaries what they can or cant get away with, so you bf them if they are being naughty you are IMO rewarding their behaviour, not teaching them that shouting or tantruming is not right and will not get them what they want all the time (bf). IMO there will come a time when they are older and tantruming or shouting and you will not have bf to fall back on.

My dd still has a bottle at nap or bed time but if she tamtrums or shouts for milk i will not just give it to her like that, I try to distract her(reading, walk, play etc) When dd was a little baby i made the mistake of when she cried she got a bottle straight away without waiting, now she does not like waiting for things and does go into meltdown when told that she has to wait. We went on the bouncy slide, there were children queing she wanted to barge past them when i told her to wait, she had a meltdown and threw herself on the floor.

FaintlyMacabre · 20/08/2009 09:57

I've answered in AIBU. YANBU. Thought you needed more support in there rather than here!

WoTmania · 20/08/2009 09:58

pigletmania - I would take issue with the 'rewarding their behaviour'. I'm sure that the OP explains that that behaviour isn't appropriate but sometimes they are so wound up they can't deal woth it and can't hear reason.
IME nursing DS2calms him down. Then, when he is in a fit state to listen and understand we talk to him.

pigletmania · 20/08/2009 10:34

Surely they have a tanturm because they know that they will be bf if they shout loud enough they can see you are wound up and feed off those emotions, just my opinion really.

FaintlyMacabre · 20/08/2009 10:42

But my toddler doesn't have a tantrum to be breastfed. He has a tantrum about something else, usually provoked or exacerbated by hunger/tiredness, and breastfeeding calms him down.

gypsymoon · 20/08/2009 10:42

pigletmania I think you may be assuming that children have more ability to manipulate, control and calculate then they are capable of?

I seriously doubt a 29 month old in the throes of a an intense emotional episode has the foresight to be so calculated. I like to think at that age they're a little more innocent than that, and need mummy and daddy to use whatever gentle methods are at their disposal to calm and reassure them.

WoTmania · 20/08/2009 10:48

WTS.
No the tantrums tend to be when he's tired/hungry/thirsty/needs a cuddly and then something happens to trigger the tantrum.
I think that he finds it so overwhelming that he needs reassurance that we are still there. In the same way that I wouldn't refuse DS1 a hug I woldn't refuse DS2 to nurse because that culd feel like a rejection.
I really don't think he tantrums to get milk. Why would he? He only has to ask.

mawbroon · 20/08/2009 10:50

I found nursing to be invaluable when ds got upset (still do, but he is really learning to deal with things now). It is very frightening for a child to be so out of control and nursing is something that they know and trust,so it helps bring them some calm.

We also chat about the behaviour leading up to the episode whilst feeding and it usually leads to ds saying sorry, or promising not to do again.

It is like a reset button which restores his default settings, and off we go, all sorted.

He is needing it less and less now in these situations, because he is learning to handle them in his own way.

This is one of the (many) situations where nursing is NOT about the food, and I don't think bottle comparisons are relevant tbh.

FaintlyMacabre · 20/08/2009 10:50

Exactly. I don't use breastfeeding as a reward, or withholding it as a punishment. It is outside those things.

tattycoram · 20/08/2009 10:54

I like what mawbroon said about the reset button. That's exactly right

Trikken · 20/08/2009 10:54

gaa why are there three of exactly the same posts??

Verity79 · 20/08/2009 10:56

If DD1 has done something really naughty like hit DD2 and then she asked for Bah she would get a resounding 'no' and be sent to the naughty step!

If she was creating/having a melt down over something innocous like which book she wanted then asked for bah, I would ask her if she needed it to calm down and to ask nicely (i.e. 'please can I have bah' not 'I want bah')

If you offer/agree to nurse after a melt down then you are not rewarding bad behaviour you are allowing the child to regroup and calm down hence avoiding a bigger tantrum. Also it allows the child to be aware that mummy still loves them even if they are being intensely unreasonable!

gypsymoon · 20/08/2009 11:02

Trikken possibly because these MNers need advice and help? If you don't like it, don't read it.

Trikken · 20/08/2009 11:05

wont they get the same help from one post tho? people arnt going to not post cos there is only one of them. plus it makes it confusing.

WoTmania · 20/08/2009 11:08

trikken I assume you mean the simliar responses from other people nursing toddlers? I can't see any repeats of the same post.
Maybe that happens because those posters have all had similar experiences and were answering the same question/post?

gypsymoon · 20/08/2009 11:11

Did you actually read the posts on AIBU????? Rude, offensive and unhelpful. Completely different from this thread.

The OP has every right to post as many times as she likes and wherever she likes if she needs help

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 20/08/2009 11:13

Thank you to everyone for very helpful responses and advice. I feel much better, and will come back to this when I have a moment of downtime today to respond individually. Thanks especially to FaintlyMacabre for the support. I'll never post on AIBU about something serious again!

OP posts:
Original poster
RoRoMommy · 20/08/2009 11:15

A rare constructive post from the AIBU, what do people think about this?
*
OK - apologies for thinking you might not be genuine, but I stand by what I said in my post. I bf long term, but I still think you are doing exactly what you say you don't want to do ie: turning bf into a behaviour management tool, when it should be something special between mother and child which doesn't exclude the other signficant figures in your child's life.

You say in the OP that your DH doesn't agree with you on this - which to me rings alarm bells because if you believe both parents are equally signficant, then surely you need to come to some agreement about how you parent your child.

As far as advice about what to do.... at 29 months your child should be at the stage of being able to respond to simple sanctions. I would work on having some simple consistent responses to tantrums which (most importantly) your DH and nanny can use as well as you. It seems very unfair on everyone, child included, to use something that only you can provide as a means of managing his behaviour. It undermines your DH.

OP posts:
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