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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

If your toddler is naughty or having a strop and asks to breastfeed, do you refuse?

42 replies

RoRoMommy · 20/08/2009 07:54

My DS is 29 months and a really avid breastfeeder. when he's upset, he asks for "tito", and I give it to him unless there are other, more obvious ways of comforting him (he bumps his head, I kiss it, for example), or it is impossible or inconvenient at the time.

But I do not refuse or withhold breastfeeding if he's having a strop and requests it, as I find it calms him quite effectively. My husband thinks this is coddling, and that tito should be refused if he is being naughty. I don't want to use breastfeeding as behaviour currency. Am I being unreasonable? What do others do?

OP posts:

Trikken · 20/08/2009 11:16

yes I did actually, as it was at the top.

WoTmania · 20/08/2009 11:16

Right. Gotcha. didn't realise there was more than 1 OP.
just seen the AIBU. What a rotten lot.

NotEvenTheTrees · 20/08/2009 11:22

I see bfing as something outside of behaviour management (eugh). I would never withold a bfeed as it sets it up as a reward/bargaining tool. Bfing for me is about comfort and need and trust. It's not something I withold as a punishment and it's not an association I would want to contemplate.

pigletmania · 20/08/2009 11:26

Toddlers know more than what you think, dont underestimate them, they are actually quite clever and their brains go through lots of different processes, they are not just a blank state but are born with innate instincts.

pigletmania · 20/08/2009 11:29

I have a 2.5 year old and totally understand, she had dreadful meltdowns at times and i do reach for the bottle(a glass of vino for me and a bottle of milk for her lol). YOu are dealing with that situation only you know and have an understanding of your child, i am just imparting an opinion and know nothing of each persons situation.

gypsymoon · 20/08/2009 11:32

You may be right pigletmania - I have no idea what your experience has been...

I only know that I have never felt manipulated by my DDs - 2 and 4. And like the other posters here, have never used bf as a behaviour management tool. Bf has always been accessible, no questions asked

pigletmania · 20/08/2009 11:57

For example the last 2 nights dd just as she is put down screams blue murder and clings, when cuddled stops screaming or when dd took her downstairs was as happy as larry and demanded cartoons at 10.30pm. We said no bed and took her up she screamed again,she has never done this beofre and is quick to settle to bed. The light is on in the hallway and she has her fav nighttime jusic playing. Funny how she is fine when picked up/cuddled or downstaries than bedtime has a total tantrum and meltdown. Thats just one recent example. Dont underestimate the abilities of toddlers and babies, they know more than you think.

I know that it sounds weired but i remember stuff from when i was 2.

NotEvenTheTrees · 20/08/2009 12:21

I remember stuff from way before 2 pigletmania. I think many people do.

I think the issue here is putting adult motives onto a childish want/need. Children are manipulative, from birth. Yes, thank heavens they are. It's a good thing. It's self preservation, ensuring they get the food/drink/comfort they need. A child that didn't attempt to control its environment would worry me frankly.

By all means set boundaries but I think we need to be careful about the language we use to describe their behaviours and the way we react to them.

gypsymoon · 20/08/2009 12:23

I think there's a difference between manipulation and instinct

Original poster

RoRoMommy · 20/08/2009 12:24

A very interesting ridiculous post from the parenting thread:
You don't refuse breastfeeding because he tantruming, you refuse it because he is 29 MONTHS!!!
**
anyway...

I posted because my husband and I disagree on this point (my mother agrees with him) about whether bf should be withheld if DS is having a tantrum. I agree with most of you, I don't want to use it as currency in punishing/rewarding behavior (for example, if he did something really good, I'd never say - good boy, now let's bf!); in fact, it wouldn't only ever be used as a punishment because it's so strange to think of it being used as a reward - like others have said, it's something I want him to know is always there, and it is quite effective in calming him when he's really out of control, and in keeping him from getting to that point.

I do worry about the disagreement between myself and my husband and mother, which is why I wanted to how others deal with this issue. Thanks to those who responded!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 20/08/2009 12:28

Yes of course trees, I was a trainee health psychologist before having dd and deciding to be a stay at home mum. When children are babies they use their innate responses to get what they want as they cannot speak, as they get older obviously their cognitive development becomes more advanced they learn to speak, their motor skills develop and so do other psychological aspects like their emotions and thought processes. They learn that they can get what they want by their emotions and how far they can push mum and dad before they give up. To say that a toddler is not entirely in control of their emotions does underestimate their abilities especially over 2 years when they are capable of doing so many things.

mawbroon · 20/08/2009 12:44

But you are not nursing him because of his bad behaviour. You are nursing him to help him calm down and get control of himself again.

I am guessing you wouldn't withold breastfeeding when he was overwhelmed by fear, or sadness, so why should he not get the same response to the frustration or anger which led to the tantrum?

I would guess that to him, they feel equally horrible.

Babieseverywhere · 20/08/2009 13:29

RoRoMommy,

As far as your DH goes, what does he suggest as an alternative ?

If your DH is concerned about how you handle tandrums when you are both there, the easy answer is let him do the calming down.

I bet you a tenner, DH would end up begging your to nurse DS

What it boils down to is, if your husband wants you to deal with the tandrums, he should trust you to do what you need to.... OR do it himself.

pigletmania, Babies and toddler can and do make it clear what they feel and need, why shouldn't they do so. Responding to your childs needs can never be wrong in my book.

TheDailyMailHatesWomenAndLemon · 20/08/2009 14:01

I think if it's an emotional meltdown sort of thing then breastfeeding is actually a very good way of bringing it to a close. I don't know about other children, but when DS got into a mltdown there would be a distinct shift from the point where he was having the tantrum about something to a point where you could see he wanted to break out of the tantrum but couldn't calm down for long enough to break out of the emotional cycle he was stuck in -- in fact he was clearly pretty scared by how out of control his emotions were and that fear was setting him off again, in a manner of speaking. At that point breastfeeding was a good idea. I wouldn't have breastfed him while he was still in the tantruming-because-he-wanted-something stage, though.

I don't think I was in any way rewarding his behaviour.

Now, it's early days with DD but so far she doesn't tantrum in the same way DS did at the same age. She has her moments, but it's all more focused-and-angry and less scared-and-confused. I can't see myself breastfeeding her out of a tantrum the way I did with DS, because they are different children who behave differently and have different needs and need to be handled differently some of the time.

So... depends on the child and the circumstances, IMO.

NotEvenTheTrees · 20/08/2009 14:02

Pigletmania, I utterly agree with you on most points. It's just this...

"To say that a toddler is not entirely in control of their emotions does underestimate their abilities especially over 2 years when they are capable of doing so many things". Yes, capable of doing many things, yes able to control/manipulate/test their environment and boundaries but entirely in control of their emotions in every situation? Absolutely not. I do recoil from utter rigidity either way. Believing a toddler a hapless victim of their own emotions or believing them utterly in control of them at all times. It's just not that simple. I am 28 years old, very well educated (in psychology too as it happens though my point of view is more informed by my own instincts and experiences in this matter). If as an educated, well adjusted adult I can still feel out of control and overwhelmed at times then yes I make the same allowances for my 2yr old dd. It's my job to try and understand what is provoking at a certain reaction at a certain time and how best to guide my child through it. And the breastfeeding relationship I fought hard to build is about love and comfort and not something to be witheld arbitrarily.

OP, how hard for you to feel unsupported. I do see how others could perceive it as a reward but bfing is a relationship between you and your child and a relationship is not conditional in this respect. Why twist something so calming and beautiful into a bargaining chip?

pigletmania · 20/08/2009 16:44

I totally agree with you Trees, i just took my dd 2.5 out now and she was tired(cant vocalise all that well) she just totally melted down in the shopping centre, i had to give her a bottle to calm her down as nothing else would so i can see the other point, I didnt bf(not out of choice) and there was no other way of doing it.

Original poster

RoRoMommy · 21/08/2009 10:22

Thanks everyone. I definitely feel more supported now! Hooray mn!

Spoke to my mum about having "consulted the experts" and I think she's got it now. The only thing she said was that she wouldn't agree to bf if he was being naughty by not eating his dinner (because bf would somehow get him out of having to), to which I responded that I didn't think his belly was small enough to get "full" on bf and if he wasn't eating dinner because he's not feeling well then perhaps it would be just the thing...

DH just kind of nodded and agreed in that way that signals defeat.

Good enough for me, for now!

OP posts:

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