guilt and bottlefeed

[lilyofvalley]

Hi
Does anyone feel guilty for not breastfeeding? I did try for 7 weeks but it didn't work out. Now every time I read a formula pack of instructions or anything else for that matter it bangs on about breastfeeding being the best. I know this and don't need to be reminded all the time, I feel bad enough as it is.

Can I also add that breastfeeding where I live is presented by midwives and other mothers as the norm and one woman in our NHS antenatal class became quite defensive in the bf class as no-one had mentioned bottle feeding at all.

Although I think this is the right approach and I was totally convinced that I wanted to bf my DD it only adds to the guilt when it doesn't work out.

Here here Tiktock, reading your posts has made me realise your right it isn't guilt I feel about not exclusively breastfeeding it's disappointment, anger and sometimes embarressment (about now bottle feeding).

And your right about the quality of midwifery care, in the first few days is so important. In the current NHS system it's pot luck as to which midwives you see and whether they are able to provide the care you and your baby need, as all Mums and all babes are different and need an individual approach. I was fairly lucky and felt all the midwives I saw in hosp and at home (and there were many in those first 14 days) were all fairly good and tried so hard to help me. It's the flamming system that stinks not allowing midwives to actually provide the level of care needed and not arming them with more skills re. breast feeding, for instants in situations like these a Mum needs one on one care from ONE midwive not 14 and that care needs to be given in the home not in clinics or on wards. In my area there are two NHS feeding advisors one at each hospital, these professionals were very skilled and were helpful however I think there needs to be heaps more of them and they need to be visiting the home not expecting mothers to visit them with days old babies with the problems of breast feedsing.

I have pondered myself about setting up a local support group for Mums who couldn't breast feed and are now bottle feeding either EBM or formula, as in my area there are only breast feeding groups which are and were helpful while I was trying my hardest to overcome the problems of breast feeding but once I'd gradually made the switch to bottles it feels I can't access those groups because I'm now not breast feeding but I kinda crave support about the issue still.......hence why I still read/post the feeding talk boards on here.

I spent 5 years living in very rural africa where 100% breast feed or their babies die (well a very few may be fed by a relative-but ususally only as a short term measure). But it is a MYTH that it is just easy and natural to them. The difference is that women there know it is difficult to get breast feeding established and know it needs a huge ammount of effort and support. Women essentially lie down wrapped up with their babies for 6 to 8 weeks (slowly doing more) but at first are washed by female relatives in their bed! Now that may be oging a bit far but they really just lie and work on resting and getting breast feeding established. They don't talk to visitors who come to see the baby (even very good friends I'd visit wouldn't talk, they are expected to focus on the baby and their mum/sister etc would speak for them). When I discuss with friends there that in the UK we are told that 'if it hurts you are doing it wrong' they laugh. They say 'of course it hurts at first, it can hurt so much you cry'. JUst beaucase somthing is 'natural' doesn't make it easy (anyone given birth recently.......)

True ture nicewarmslippers, thanks for that, I totally agree. Here in the west we have to also focus on other things like looking after other children(if we have any) and houseworks, and going back to work. They probably have little intererrence from health professionals about the weight of the baby and that its loosing weight so you must use formula. They have no choice but to bf.

Dotty yes i totally agree, it sounds like a good idea of yours. I think now that i have accepted it, and see my little girl as thriving doing really well, it seems like a distant memory, however at the time it was really horrible and felt so guilty.

Yes yes yes nicewarmslippers, I'm totally with you on this. I carried my little girl in a wrap for the first 12 weeks and feel very strongly about the odd (to me) idea in the west about putting your baby in a cot alone and expecting it to be settled and contented, only being held when fed or for cuddles that the parent enjoys. I think carrying my LO actually helped me get as far as 8 weeks of breast feeding, right from the first mins after birth we never got off to a good start as she was taken from me at birth and I didn't get skin to skin until 1.5 hours later and even then it wasn't for long as I kept dropping to sleep and the nurses wouldn't let me hold her in my arms in the bed. Then a breast feeding nurse made me express and she then seringe fed my little girl before I'd had chance to try the breast with her. (can't you tell I still have such a lot of bitterness about the whole birth experience!) Now I cannot say for certain that this caused my problems with breast feeding however I am certain it did not help. Our society sucks and expects so much of women in terms of balanceing babies, older children, work, the house, and then things like looking after other relatives.

OP I feel exactly the same. The formula carton's 'message' I find really upsetting. Problem is that whether it is me being upset for me or baby doesn't actually make me feel better.