guilt and bottlefeed

[lilyofvalley]

Hi
Does anyone feel guilty for not breastfeeding? I did try for 7 weeks but it didn't work out. Now every time I read a formula pack of instructions or anything else for that matter it bangs on about breastfeeding being the best. I know this and don't need to be reminded all the time, I feel bad enough as it is.

Oh goody cherrychoc so i did something right. Its good to know, thanks for that by the way. I hope that next time its for longer though.

Lilyofvalley I know exactly how you feel and it is horrible. I managed to BF DS2 until he was 6 weeks. I gave formula top ups from about 5 days due to MW. But that guilt is always there and he is 6 months now.

I had planned on BF until at least 8 months when I am planning on going back to work. It gets so much easier as time goes by, you begin to realise that even though you haven't BF for as long as you wanted or imagined you did your best.

It helps if you have family and friends that help you. My DH kept telling me that it didn't matter and it didn't mean we loved him any less. My mum never BF and she was a great help to me, kept getting info from the internet and just kept saying thet I had tried my best.

My DD lost 21% of her BW while i was breastfeeding her in the first 5 days

I feel unbelievably guilty about that, but also angry as what Tiktok said is true, it should've been picked up on earlier and instead I was encouraged to continue feeding despite expressing worries about my milk supply, few wet nappies and poos etc.

She's 15 weeks now and I still feel incredibly guilty, despite having a healthy thriving daughter. It makes me so so sad that I can't feed her myself but I know objectively speaking I'm doing whats best for her. Which is why we can all turn around and tell you that you did your best but you'll probably end up feeling the same! I think the key is to allow yourself to feel sad to be honest and almost grieve the fact you weren't able to bf. I'm still sad but trying to concentrate on May and how happy she is and can't wait for the day I feel better about everything

Morning! - i had tried BF and not yielding enough blah blah blah - was in weeks of hell trying to feed, express blah etcc.

i ended up saying to my partner - Not feeding yr baby is like not getting an erection, not functioning ..i was proper wallowing

Best sentance said to me by midwife - was who was i trying to BF for - myself or the Baby

That snapped me out of my self pity - Rosie is thriving and is healthy and that is what counts

I will give it a go again if i am blessed with babe 2 and again if i struggle and baby and i are miserable i will jack it and go onto formula

BF is hard - i have not yet met one mum who took to it easily in this western culture

but i have certainly met quite a few couples struggling to conceive and have babies..

lets celebrate the what is and not the what is not.:0

lilyofvalley - I felt exactly the same, only managed 7 weeks. I find other mothers assume that I breastfed for the a full 6 months and women who are not mothers simply ask if I breastfed. For me a lot of the guilt has to do with comparing myself to others and feeling so early in my baby's life that I have let her down. It was the one thing that I didn't question that I would be able to do for her and reinforced my hormonal idea that someone else would be able to look after her much better than me.

My DD is now 14mths and drinks cow's milk and the whole bf thing has faded into the background somewhat. I totally agree that with every 'breast milk is the best thing for your baby' disclaimer it just brings up the turmoil of the early weeks even now, although it is getting better.

Formula milk does not have all the benefits of breast milk but it is designed to nourish babies. In this regard it has the most important element of breast milk. My baby would have starved without it and so to hear people talking about it as if it is tantamount to feeding them neat gin is very upsetting. When I was going through my troubles I remember my friend saying to me, 'I remember thinking that formula milk was poison' and that has really stayed with me. I'm not poisoning my baby, I am feeding her in the only way I am able.

Sorry the beat the same drum, but it is not guilt we need to feel when bf goes wrong - this self-blaming lets others off the hook.

You - a baby who lost 21 per cent off birthweight in 5 days is a sign of truly dreadful midwifery care. You feel sad and angry, and why not? You wanted to do something lovely for your baby, and were encouraged to think it was all going swimmingly...and it wasn't. Yes, you might well grieve for this. It's something special you wanted to do, and were not enabled to do. Worse, you raised the right questions at the time and your concerns were ignored

Yet you say you still feel guilty

Let the anger be louder than the guilt

I have massive massive guilt for easily the first year of dd's life. She was ff from the start for various reasons and I didn't realise how important bf was to me until I couldn't. I used to sit here on MN, reading bf threads and crying my eyes out.

But she's now 18 months nearly, on cows' milk, eating like a ganet and actually, how she was fed for the first 6 months really doesn't matter anymore. It'll always be a regret but the 'pain' has gone. I know that sounds melodramatic but it was a pain.

I know all the benefits of bf etc but really, it doesn't matter enough for anyone (including me) to beat themselves up about it.

Tiktok is right - we shouldn't feel guilty but we do. I mixed-fed for four weeks and then after a host of problems decided to stop. I did feel so guilty at first, like I just wasn't as strong as all of those other women who had persevered despite the problems, I also felt quite traumatised by it all and even went through this stage at about 3months where I would fantasise about having another dc so I could make things 'right' and 'perfect'. 5 months on I still feel a bit sad if I think back but I have accepted it and can enjoy being with my ds rather than focusing on those hard first weeks. For me, I think getting a greater understanding of why things didn't work really helped me to stop blaming myself. Also though, you is right, it is like a bit of a grieving process because you have to let go of the vision you had of yourself all the way through the pregnancy as a bf mother, and come to terms with the fact that a) you are formula feeding but that b) you love and care for your baby as much as any mum could.

Btw that NCT poster sounds great, much better than that NHS poster of the father and smug smiling baby that was in my room at the hospital - I wanted to throw things every time I saw it!

Yes, I have times when I feel guilty about not breastfeeding. I tried and gave up after 4 days (a lot less than 7 weeks!). By this time my baby was extremely unsettled, I was in an awful pain and dreading the next feed. Worse, I felt a failure that I couldn't settle him, I was beginning to feel afraid of him and I was feeling like I'd made a dreadful mistake in having a baby.

The decision to stop breastfeeding was made in hospital after I had received lots of support and the final option left open to me was to express until my nipples recovered. At this point I said no, I had this belief that breastfeeding was about bonding, and expressing (to me at that time) was not going to achieve the bonding I wanted with my baby. I can still remember the relief of, after giving my baby the first bottle, him settling in my arms and going to sleep. That made me cry! and then also seeing my partner feed him. Remembering those moments helps me feel like I made a choice, and for our situation, it was the right choice.

I find it hard to cope with the 'breast is best' message as it makes me feel that I didn't choose 'the best' for my child - Ouch!. However I remind myself that my decision to formula feed made me feel most like a Mum. I was finally doing what I felt was right for me and my baby and I was doing it in the way I make lots of decisions now, I weigh up a bit of the evidence but then have to go with my gut feel. If I see it like this, I realise it was actually the start of me being a Mum.

My son was born nearly 2 1/2 years ago. I think time helps to heal these sorts of hurts - it has helped me.

Peanutpie, my sentiments exactly. I cannot see how something so natural can be difficult too. If it was as easy as breathing and was as easy say as eating food, I think that 99.9% of mums would bf.

Starlight the problems I had were nothing to do with our society (unless I am missing something ). I found the whole business of getting the baby to latch on and position her correctly much more difficult than I had imagined, and I had ante- and postnatal advice about it.

I also had other difficulties but none of them were due to people disapproving of breastfeeding etc.

I am interested to know what you mean about the difference in cultures.

The thing is starlight mackenzine how come lots of women have difficulties bf if its so easy. if it is as easy as breathing support would not be needed we would all be able to just pop baby on and away we go. mabey women in other cultures have difficulties to you just dont hear about them as much.

sorry i spelt your name wrong by the way, rush typing as i am also doing dinner to

it's not as easy as breathing (afaik you don't get breathing counsellors) but it should be as natural. It's a good question about whether / why women in other cultures don't seem to have the same problems we do - I think although I could be wrong is that if you grow up seeing everyone around you bf then you soak up the facts and how to do it without realising it to a certain extent. Because ff is so normalised here and bf is still seen as something that is done discreetly to tiny babies we don't have that exposure.

I think some blame needs to be put on MWs. If my MW had threatened me with taking my baby to hospital then I would probably still be BF. Yes maybe I should have stood up for myself but at 4 days postnatal I was in no mind to argue.

It worries me because we want a third but I am scared I won't be able to BF again.

I have to say the single mose useful thing for me antenatally was seeing someone bf a child who was willing to show me in minute detail the positioning, latch etc. and although I had no problems to speak of, it certainly didn't come naturally.

Kayzr - do you mean hadn't threatened you??

Yes I do. Thanks for pointing it out.

I wonder if I can request to not see that MW as she has twice ruined BF for me?

sorry wasn't being a pedant just wasn't sure how the other way would work
Yes, I completely agree - the obsession with weighing and measuring too (I assume that was the 'problem') can't help. Of course if a baby is severely dehydrated or losing lots of weight then formula may be necessary, but it shouldn't have got to that in the first place and that is down to the HCPs!
Yes, I would definitely say ask not to see her again.

It's ok. DS2 went from 10lb 5oz to 9lb 6oz. By day 5 he had only put on 1oz and she said it wasn't good enough.

I think it is possible to feel guilt and anger ( and a whole lot more) about failing to breastfeed.

I had tons of help, some good some bad, I had lots of physical problems (tongue tie, thrush, and really, really sensitive nipples), I did lots of research about b'feeding, the majority of my friends b'fed their babies, but I still failed.

I feel anger because some of the help (especially early on) was very damaging, and hurtful, and I feel guilt because I know that b'feeding is best, it was something I was desperate to do, but I couldn't do it, and I will always feel as though maybe I didn't try hard enough (and yes sometimes people say things that make me feel guilty, because they had problems but they tried harder etc).

There are things I feel guilty for despite having no control over them (having a miscarriage for example), it is such a complicated thing - or maybe it comes from a Catholic upbringing!

I think you just have to focus on all the fantastic things you can do for your baby. I also want to become as informed as possible about formula and b'feeding and how things can be improved, because I would like to think that if my dd's ever have children I will be able to support them to b'feed even if it was something I struggled with.

"I'm guessing you weren't brought up surrounded by bfing mothers, that you didn't do imaginary play by holding your doll to the breast etc. I'm guessing that latching your baby onto your breast was the first latched (or not) baby you had ever seen. I'm guessing that at that time, you probably didn't even know another currently bf mum."

My mother bf me and my two siblings and I am the second oldest of 14 cousins so have seen plenty of bf and been on the receiving end myself. Can't remember about the playing tbh.

"I'm guessing your advice was given by people with limited knoweldge and bf experience, and given under stressful conditions and that you were limited in access to these advisors."

I had a 2 hour NCT antenatal class before giving birth which went through positioning, latching on potential problems as well as an NHS class which covered similar ground. I was offered support from a bf counsellor in hospital, then from the midwife at home, I called NHS direct and a breastfeeding counsellor for advice and was constantly reminded of a bf cafe near my home.

"I'm guessing too, that you had other things to think about and be responsible for other than simply feeding your baby. That the house still had to run, even at a minimum and that your role in this was pretty major."

I think this is true of any new mother, but I will say that my DH wasn't with me much in hospital as he felt it would be more helpful to me to come home to a well organised house than to be sitting in a hospital ward. My mother did all our laundry for the first 2 weeks and would have helped out in any way I asked.

Breastfeeding (obviously only for some people) is just difficult. I think, as others have said, that we take for granted that something natural will come naturally. I was told by a midwife that she was surprised due to the amount of blood I had lost that my milk had come in at all. I wasn't told this before and my milk supply initially was fine so it wasn't that I wasn't fully equipped iyswim.