chibi's self-indulgent misery guts thread, feel free to ignore

[chibi]

...so called because i need a place to dump everything that is happening right now or I will explode. No one needs to read or post on this thread, although you are welcome to if you like.

My son was born almost 3 weeks ago at 34+6 weeks. After a lot of effort, he was having ebm from a cup, and beginning to breastfeed directly. At 2 weeks he had nearly regained his birthweight of 5 14 -- only 1 oz off.

Flash forward to this week - I had been advised (by a lactation consultant) that I could start phasing out the top ups - go with my instincts, follow hos lead, be responsive etc.

So, this past week, he has been having mostly breast with some cup fed top ups of ebm. It seemed to be going so weel, his latch was good, I could tell he was drinking and swallowing, he wasn't interested in having more from the cup when it was offered, he seemed content after feeds, was still ahving the same no. + intensity of wet nappies.

The MW came today to weigh him, it's been one week since the last time...he hasn't put on even an ounce.

I feel so crushed - my dh doesn't understand why. I feel like I can't trust my own judgement. I despair of the constant expressing, it is fucking exhausting. I fel like I am neglecting my other child, and it is only going to get worse - instead of only bf, I am going to need to go back to bf, express, cupfeed, this takes a LONG time.

I feel worried that I am going to start resenting my son (I don't yet).

This feels like such a major setback, where the hell am I going to find the strength to try and try and try again, but better? I have to find it from somewhere...

I am going to keep posting on this thread I think, I am finding it v therapeutic to vent and let some of this despair/poison out; I can't keep it in me.

As I was putting my dd down for a nap today, I was crying a little, nothing dramatic, just the odd tear escaped me. She noticed and said 'mummy crying. I fix?'. She is 2.

I know that other people have it far worse than I do at the moment, and would gladly swap places with me - I am not looking for anyone's sympathy at all here, or pats on the back.

This is my thread fopr lancing an emotional boil if you will so that I can carry on carrying on.

Hope I have not come across as too self pitying or obnoxious, will post more when I have an update.

it's a good thing that this thread isn't intended to be read/responded to, I've re-read it and am appalled at all the typos.

Oh bless you
The first few weeks are so hard even without all the added faff
You will get through it - maybe not exactly how you imagined but it will get better then this.

Carry on carrying on - you can do it

aww chibi, it sounds so hard.
was he weighed naked both times? on the same set of scales?
if not then i would possibly not think too much about it. different scales on different surfaces can give differing weights and it's perfectly possible that he has in fact gained.

how is he in other respects? happy, healthy? plenty of wet and dirty nappies? feeding frequently?

speak to the lactation consultant again and see what she reckons

I don't feel in a position to advise you, but whta you wrote brought the early days with my DD back so clearly I just wanted to say, hang on in there.

It's so hard and takes so long to do all the 'faffing' and if you're doing it with a toddler, really well done.

It's so hard. I really feel for you and you're not being self-indulgent. You need a hug.

I hope it all turns out well for you.

The idea of same scale, no clothing as thisisyesterday mentioned is an important one. Has he lost weight or just held steady?

What he does and looks like will tell you more than the scale....is he feeding about 8-12 times a day roughly? Good number of nappies with pale urine? Occasional bowel movement that is the usual mustardy yellow? Definite sucking and swallowing for a fair amount of time at each feed? Is alert and content when awake? Did he grow in length...sometimes the growth will be seen there instead?

If all seems well to you, it likely is. If he seems to be doing well with just the breastfeeds, go with that. If you feel several more days of the top ups will give you some peace of mind, do that. You could maybe offer top ups at just a couple of the feeds if you didn't want to after every one.

Aw, chibi

I can totally understand how crap all this feels. It sounds like you have a lot of insight into what is provoking these feelings - you felt things were ok, and now it seems they are not, and that gets to you as a mother. You feel 'crushed' you say

Is it possible to talk all this through with someone in real life - the lactation consultant maybe if you felt she was good with this situation?

I don't know and cant tell how significant this weighing by the midwife was - the fact this is all in pounds and ounces is one thing, and it should be in metric, really, as it sometimes happens that conversion from metric to imperial is incorrect. Weighing is something often done badly, too - poor quality scales, human errors in observing and recording, weighing babies clothed....it all leads to inaccuracies. With a baby like yours it is sensible to weigh more often than you would a term baby, so yes, of course weight is gonna happen. But talk over the significance or otherwise of this one weight with someone you trust, and then your options will be clearer.

I have emailed the lactation consultant.

his weight was also goven in metric (2.63 kg) and was the same as last time - i gave imperial as it is what i am used to for babies.

he was weighed naked. i don't know if the scales were the same.

today...

is it my imagination or is he reluctant to latch? I am starting every feed with a bf first, then trying to top him up. he often doesn't want much from the cup but i am trying to persist and 'make' him- i don't feel i have any choice.

talked to my mum last night - helped a bit as she has also had a poorly feeding baby, my dsis, who has down's syndrome. she would take an ounce only once a 1/2 hour, puke most up, and repeat, repeat repeat. she says 'you will get through this, cos you have to'

on a side note, my mum said, if he were starving, he'd cry. 'are you sure?' i asked, she said oh yes... apparently at the time she had my dsis it was the done thing there to just not bother feeding babies with DS when they had feeding probs...they cried.

anyway, emotionally all over the place today. have a doctor's appt to see about ds's lingering jaundice - maybe this is keeping him from feeding effectively?

will write more when I have more news.

Don't have any advice Chibi, just hang on in there, it'll get better

I don't have advice but wanted to give a hug. My DS wouldn't latch for the first week or so and we had to give cups of EBM, and I remember how exhausting and horrible it was, constantly expressing and trying to pour it into him

chibi, it's good your mum is supporting you, but boy-oh-boy she is very wrong about the crying. This is quite dangerous - babies who are underfed absolutely do not cry. They conserve their energy and become difficult to rouse. In fact, this can be very misleading a the 'good', quiet baby is not showing how 'content' he is, but the opposite.

I don't think there is any substitute for some knowledgable real life help, to be honest. It's good you're seeing the doc about jaundice, which could indeed be making your baby sleepier.

From what you are saying, the right thing is indeed to persist getting milk in - feeding according to what the baby wants is ok if the baby is a big bruiser, but your baby was prem (though a good-ish weight for 35 weeks, yes?) and you need to be more pro-active.

Hope things go better today.

i know...this is my worry.

i am giving him the breast today followed by the cup, he has taken about 70 ml at each of today's feeds + whatever he's getting from the breast.

just back from the doctor, this one doesn't think he is jaundiced - 'he is the same colour as you are'.

he is waking for feeds every 3 hours - this is good, surely? he does sleep pretty much the rest of the time though.

i have decided to identify reasons to be positive so that i don't feel too overwhelmed.

1. he can latch.
2. he can get some milk out of me - i can tell when he is actively removing milk.
3. i have a good supply
4. he hasn't lost weight
5. still lots of wet nappies

chibi, all you say there is good news. Your baby is only just coming up to term equivalent - yes? So it's good he sleeps well. It will be better if this changes somewhat as he hits, say, term plus 1 or term plus 2.

tiktok, do you think it is still possible (in theory, with support etc.) for us to get to actual breastfeeding?

i need to know i'm not banging my head against a wall here. despite my reasons to be cheerful, hope is in short supply at casa chibi at the moment.

The answer is 'yes', chibi

Yes

I don't have the skill and experience of tik tok - but I still say yes.

You need to write points 1-5 and stick them all around your house.

Keep reading it and build up your strong brave soul.

My other advice is to not fall into the trap of comparing him to a perfect 'sleep - eat- play -self soothe - sleep... baby' and then when that 'aint so, assume its bf problem, complicated by his early arrival.

Those babys hardly ever happen. So when your baby doesn't do the sleep - eat - play - self soothe - sleep... thing, it doesn't have to be a reflection on feeding. Just the reality of babydom.

If you see what I mean.

I respect your hard work and strength here chibi.

Have you found www.kellymom.com? T'is a marvel.

babys?

babies!! Those babies hardly ever happen....

update - he has done a MEGA poo - this is the first in a week.

beautifully mustardy, and coating his nappy, him, and leaking out the sides!

he must be getting enough calories to have done a thunderdump like that, surely?

only a mother could be so happy over cleaning up poo.

thanks again to all who have been posting encouragement + support.

I want to believe in a happy ending...

Absolutely you can do it! I know DS's problems didn't last as long as yours, but it was a hellish time and the midwives just kept saying that he would feed, that they had seen plenty of babies with the same thing and that sometimes it could take weeks, but they all got there in the end. And it was true. True for me, and will be true for you. Breastfeeding can be a tricky thing to learn for the baby as well, but he will get the hang of it in the end and feed properly.

He might be more settled now too. Hurrah!

You have a really positive great state of mind. He's a luck man

Yay for poo!

You can do this

My DD didn't latch at all until she was 9 weeks old (was 33 weeker) and I fed her for 15 months in the end.

Keep at it!

Just another voice to the cheerleading squad. Chibi you are doing fantastic! That poo sounds like it was coming for quite some time! I remember feeling so overjoyed when DD1 did breastfed poos not formula poos! I didn't even mind it was always me who had to clean them up as DH can't smell bfed poo or wee (really he just thought DD1 smelt like me ).

DD1 wasn't technically prem but was induced early and had bad jaundice (double bili-bed and FORCE-FED 2oz of formula every two hours). She ended up being formula fed with me pumping with the very occasional feed direct from me as she wouldn't latch most of the time.

By week 8 we had reversed this to the majority of feeds being from me with one formula feed every few days.

As you are bfing and cup feeding I'm sure you won't have the long slog we had to wean of bottles as bubs is meeting all his suckling needs with you not a teat. This seemed to be crucial for DD1 to get her to accept me instead of a bottle. She's now still feeding at 3.3 years (every few days she may ask for 'Bah').

Again good luck and great job!

Chibi, sounds like you and DS are doing really well.

3 weeks into BF I was in a terrible state and my baby was a big 10 day overdue bruiser so I imagine this feels extremely difficult right now.

Keep believing in that happy ending

Sounds like he is doing well....it would be more of a concern if he was losing weight and/or you felt there were other concerns, but it appears the main issue that caused a possible red flag was the lack of weight gain for that one week. As was said, this could be attributed to a number of reasons that are not necessarily a health or feeding issue.

Keep up the good work...you are doing great!

feck...having trouble expressing yesterday + now this morning - ususlly only getting 30 ml, although I got 80 ml at 5 this am. i am making great inroads into my stockpile of frozen ebm - i will have to give formula when it is gone.

have made appt to see gp re domperidone.

back to black, then.

i don't know how i'm going to keep going with this emotional rollercoaster, one day i feel like, ok i can do it, the next, like fuck, it isn't working.

asked the lactation consultant last night on the phone if we would get there eventually, she said it depends on how much i am prepared to put in. considering all i'm doing now, i don't know how much more i can give.

it has occured to me that a person can try and try, and do all the things they are meant to, and it can still not be enough. which makes sense, it isn't ditch digging, where outcome is proportional to effort.

my new goal is to try and bf until as close to his term date as possible.

all kinds of memories are flooding back - bf my dd in a mothercare changing room, and another mother ff her baby, me thinking 'why does she need to be in here to do that'.

or seeing a mother bottlefeeding a small baby and thinking, 'what a shame'

this might be me soon. i can't believe i was so lacking in empathy. this is one hell of a way to get my comeuppance.