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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Feeling very sad - have stopped bfing at 4.5 months. Have I done any good at all.

31 replies

peppermintpig · 15/05/2009 11:15

I'm feeling very emotional so I hope I can make sense. I failed bfing with ds1 but have had positive experience this time. Had a major weightloss issue early on so used some bottles but from 5 weeks have EBF.

My wonderful mother was diagnosed with cancer during this pregnancy and I have found it challenging but doable keeping up with bfing DS2, hospital visits, spending last few weeks with mum who is not in a good way and giving equal attention to Ds1 in these circumstances.

Mum is now in a hospice but quite a long drive away. I want to spend as much time with her as possible (in a couple of months it will be all over and she is in alot of pain and terrified). For various reasons it is now not appropriate to keep ds2 with me all the time and I am likely to spend several days away at some point. I'm not blessed with a great supply and haven't been able to get into a productive rythm of expressing at all.

I made the decision to revert to bottles on Monday but am beside myself which I can't understand as I have totally made my peace with ff'ing ds1 and don't in anyway see ff as evil.

I seem to remember once seeing here a list of benefits of bfing for various lengths of time. This may help give some perspective. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
AnarchyAunt · 15/05/2009 11:20

Of course you have done some good, in fact a lot of good

Reasons To Be Proud

You must be having a really hard time at the moment, I can't begin to imagine how hard, so please do not feel you are letting anybody down in any way. You have done so very well to get this far, your DS has benefitted from every drop of BM he has had

janestillhere · 15/05/2009 11:21

Just wanted to say you have done brilliant! Any breastfeeding is a bonus!
I breastfed and ff my two for about 4 months then went full time onto formula.
You have given your baby a super start.
Don't worry! You have enough to worry about I think without beating yourself up about this x

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 15/05/2009 11:23

Have you done any good at all?? Yes, you have - lots an you should feel very proud about this.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. Look after yourself.
xx

missmiss · 15/05/2009 11:25

I don't have any first hand experience (no kids yet) but from what I've read, ANY time spent breastfeeding is valuable time. On the other hand, plenty of babies are formula-fed and don't suffer disadvantage - it sounds like you've given your ds the best start possible, and you have no reason to feel guilty.

Original poster
peppermintpig · 15/05/2009 11:35

Thank you for the quick replies. The link does help. The guilt is terrible I am crying when I give the bottle today but know that this afternoon and tonight and most of tomorrow I won't be here. It feels much worse than when I stopped feeding ds1 much earlier which is so confusing and hard to explain as he has been mostly breastfed. I don't know if its cumulative for both of them ie alot of repressed feelings etc.

I know grief is making everything harder emotionally but although I've been proud of bfing I've never come to enjoy it and never thought stopping would be so hard.

OP posts:
mololoko · 15/05/2009 11:40

i also pretty much gave up at 4.5 months after all kinds of problems i won't go into here, including the death of a close friend from cancer - the stress severely affected my supply too. i was devastated and felt guilty for a long long time, even though i could do nothing about it. dd is absolutely fine!

i know a lot of people who have got really miserable for a week or two after giving up bf, even after many months or years. i think it might be hormonal. so that might be worth bearing in mind.

you've done brilliantly. well done. don't feel guilty. so sorry to hear about your mum. it must mean an awful lot to her that you are spending this time with her. x

mololoko · 15/05/2009 11:42

ps. thank you for that link, AnarchyAunt.

Alittlebitrestless · 15/05/2009 11:43

Please do not be hard on yourself. Keep reading those reasons to be proud. You have done really well to provide your DS with such a brilliant start in such difficult circumstances. Hold on to that.

Am really sorry to hear about your mum. I have some experience of how it feels and I can see why you have had to make the decision you have. It must have taken some determination to get this far. Take care of yourself.

cory · 15/05/2009 13:02

Don't forget that most Mumsnetters who have children aged 10 or over will have weaned them about this age. We are not all ridden with guilt

Your milk will have made an invaluable contribution to your baby's immune system for the most important months. Well done!

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2009 13:20

just to reiterate - yes, you have done a fantasic amount of good. There has been a big discussion on here about how every feed makes a difference - well your baby has had 4.5 months of feeds and you should be proud. I agree with mololoko that this could be hormone related as well
So sorry your mum (and you) are going through this.

Laurenypops · 15/05/2009 13:29

To breast feed for any length of time is an achievement, and given your circumstances you have done an exceptional job for your DS. I have reached 8 weeks of feeding my DD2, the goal I had originally set myself, but despite wanting to stop for most of that time, I am now reluctant to. For me this is because I am not planning anymore DC's, and that makes the whole decision more poignant. Is this the case for you? Plus, given you mother's illness, you are going to be more emotional about everything. Don't feel quilty. We are not 'wonderwoman' able to achieve everything - your mum needs you now, and you need to be with her. Take care x

treedelivery · 15/05/2009 13:39

You have given your baby an amazing thing and 4.5 months will have secured many benefits for both of you. Truly.

4.5 days of bf is a benefit to a baby. So you have truly kicked ass in challenging circumstances. You did it. You are choosing to use formula now, which could be seen as a more positive step that feeling that bf failed for some reason. This is your choice based on the life you are living today.

We can only do the best with the information and circumstances we have on the day, that is what you are doing. If this is right for your family, then embrace it and make peace with it.

Leave all your guilt here in this thread and we will look after it for you. Look at your baby and smile at the wonderful growth/nutition/vitality you have given her and take comfort from your 2 babies at this difficult time.

Mn can be a great supprt through the next few months so do start a thread or ask for helping hands if it would help. x

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2009 13:49

is there any reason why you can't continue to bf while you are with her, and allow your DH(?) to ff when you're not? or will you find it easier to stop entirely?

CherryChoc · 15/05/2009 17:04

Oh PP - you have done fantastically I think you are in something like 3% of the population who are still breastfeeding at 4 months!

EVERY breastfeed makes a difference and your DD must have had hundreds of breastfeeds by now. Don't feel guilty for stopping - feel proud of what you have achieved.

sachertorte · 15/05/2009 17:13

I agree with CherryChoc. Gosh, I wish I had got to 4.5 months!

LeonieSoSleepy · 15/05/2009 17:32

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solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 15/05/2009 17:35

You've done great. You did 4.5 months! Well done.
I was one of those who couldn't manage it at all (no milk) and a very kind friend said to me that even the few drops I had managed to squeeze onto DS face would do him some good, every little helps.

joyjac · 15/05/2009 18:34

I was breastfeeding my second child when my father was in end stage cancer. I found it so important to be able to reconnect with my baby through breastfeeding when I came home from the hospital visits, and when my father died I truly believe that that relationship helped me to live through the terrible early days of grief.
I would encourage you to keep up some breastfeeds, maybe one or two a day. Your little one will still reap the benefits and you will too. I would hate for you to feel afterward that you were grieving the loss of the breastfeeding relationship as well as the loss of your loved one.

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/05/2009 18:40

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JulesJules · 15/05/2009 18:43

You've done brilliantly, well done. Every feed you have given has made a difference, please don't beat yourself up.

treedelivery · 15/05/2009 19:18

Thats a really good point StarlightMcKenzie.

Also, and I don't mean this in a pressure way at all at all at all, but as joyjac describes, perhaps a night time feed, when you are at home or with the baby, would help release some much needed calming and loved up hormones, that would assist you in the months to come. It has a lovely protective effect, putting us in a bit of a bubble.

I say this purely out of interest in your welbeing, I hope you understand. If dd was willing and would have an evening suckle it might be a help, whilst cuddleed up to dc1. Established bf are sometimes very easy going about hopping on and off boob or bottle, and will take it where they find it so to speak. My dd1 was, where as dd2 is non-flexi baby.

Or maybe not - maybe you need to close that bit of your life and start on this next bit with a clear head. You know best.

treedelivery · 15/05/2009 19:19

But having said that a night time bottle feed will be just as healing and a time for reflection. All contact with our babies is at times like these. I hope these coming months are as smooth as they can be.

tiktok · 15/05/2009 20:18

peppermintpig Really sad for you.

FWIW, I don't think it's really hormones making you upset. You are experiencing a major loss - your beloved mum is not in a position to give you support (major loss one) and you are anticipating the huge loss further down this painful road (major loss 2). On top of this, you are experiencing a major loss of breastfeeding - no, I don't think it's a major loss in health terms (4.5 mths of bf is pretty healthy!), but in relationship terms it feels like it, and the loss of your mum is all mixed up with it. No wonder you are tearful..

Can you think of ways to maintain some bf? This will be important for your baby, as he will be without you for longer than he would like (if he could talk!) and losing the closeness of bf is another thing to cope with. He is likely to cope better with your absences if he can reconnect with you with a bf....it does not have to be all or nothing. Bf when you can, formula feed when you have to, and you may be able to retain a supply for quite some time.

(Yes, you need to watch for any sign of inflammation or blocked ducts)

Thinking of you

8oreighty · 15/05/2009 20:22

haven't got time to read through...but just wanted to say. Don't feel bad, or beat yourself up you've done brilliantly...
and also you could still do some bedtime, early morning feeding, your supply will just adjust, so not necessary to stop altogether if it's making you sad...
I still feel sad about stopping...but you do what you need to do at the time.
you have a lot going on, be kind to yourself

abraid · 15/05/2009 20:33

Peppermintpig--you have done a lot of good to your baby. You sound like a fantastic person.