Hi belpeep :)
There is another (shorter, but more recent) thread on this subject here in case you're interested.
I just wanted to respond to your post because I too have this condition and I can relate to how you're feeling. I had an awful time coming to terms with not being able to ebf my dd (still haven't quite gotten over it I guess, which is why I'm still lurking here!).
I hope that if I have another baby my milk supply will have improved. But I console myself by thinking that even if that isn't the case, at least I will be more prepared for the practical and emotional implications of needing to bottle feed. So when I read that for you, the experience with ds2 was as difficult as the first time around, both in the inability to produce enough milk and in the emotional toll it took, I really felt for you.
Your feelings about bottlefeeding in public really resonate with me. I remember dreading the well-meaning question "are you feeding her yourself?". Firstly, it annoys me that it's put that way because it makes it sound like if you're not breastfeeding you may as well be handing the baby off to any random stranger with a bottle. But also, I felt that I had only three options when someone asked this (and so many people did!):
I could say yes, and hope that they didn't think I was a liar if they noticed the Aptamil cartons poking out of my diaper bag.
I could say that I was combo-feeding (true) and let them make whatever assumptions they wanted about whether I was uneducated/uncaring/unbothered as a mother.
Or I could get into a discussion with them about my personal medical history, my feelings of failure at not being able to ebf, and various other related topics that were frankly none of their business.
Even when I did go for the third option and explain the problem, I often felt that I wasn't believed because most people haven't heard of breast hypoplasia and, apparently among those who have heard of it there is some 'controversy' over whether it actually exists.
I had done all the prenatal research and had a lot of my sense of "good mother"hood invested in being able to ebf my baby, so not being able to do that was very, very tough. But if I'm honest, feeling that others didn't believe me, or that they thought I was being overly dramatic or making excuses about something so personal and so important to me, was at least equally hurtful.
It's a rotten place to be in. Such an emotive topic, and as bf believers in intention and ff'ers in practice, we can feel so judged by both 'camps'. So I'll tell you what I think you already know:
Some mothers who ff by choice might feel defensive about their feeding choice for a variety of reasons. They may want to believe that there is no difference between cow's milk formula and human breastmilk, and it doesn't matter at all how you feed your baby. They are wrong about this, but because they believe it they may judge you for being so bothered by not being able to bf. Their opinions and wrong assumptions about you really don't matter. This is true even if they are relatives, health visitors or GPs.
Some mothers who bf might feel defensive about their feeding choice for a variety of reasons. They may want to believe that nobody really has supply problems, that all breastfeeding issues are surmountable, and/or that the feeding method a mother uses is an indication of how much she loves / is bonded to / cares for the health of her baby. They are wrong about this, but because they believe it they may judge you for bottle feeding. Their opinions and wrong assumptions about you really don't matter. This is true even if they are lactation consultants, friends, or MN feeding board regulars.
You are the only person who really knows how much you love your sons, how much you want to give them the best of everything, and how much it hurt you when you weren't able to feed them in the way you wanted to. You must know, intellectually, that you could not have changed this and that it's nothing for you to feel guilty about. I know that accepting that emotionally is a lot harder than knowing it's true.
But human bodies are imperfect. Breathing is the most natural thing in the world, yet some people have asthma. Reproduction is the most natural thing in the world, yet some people suffer infertility. Why people insist on discounting conditions like hypoplasia by insisting that "breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world," I will never understand. It doesn't matter, though. You know that, in your case, it's true that it just didn't work. And I'll bet your sons are thriving anyway, right?
You must not let other people's (real or imagined) misinformed opinions get inside your head and warp your confidence in what you know to be true:
You have not failed your babies, you have done your best with what you had at your disposal. Other mothers who can produce enough milk to ebf might also be doing their best with what they have. They are not doing better than you, they just have more of this one thing to give.
You will have more of other things (a sense of fun? the patience of a saint? an irreverrent sense of humour? love of reading? love of sport? whatever) to give your children than some other mothers will. And those are the things that your boys will grow up to appreciate in you and will remember for the rest of their lives as the things that made their mum, and their childhood, special.