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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Has anyone who has tandem fed regretted it?

33 replies

littlefrog · 04/03/2009 14:19

I?m 32 weeks pg. DS 23 months. And I?m really torn about what to do. I never intended to feed 2 children at once, and I don?t (personally) know anyone who has. DS will take milk from cups etc., and we?re now down to just 1 feed each day, and sometimes not even that. He asks for bf more often than this, but not in a desperate way, and I say no, it?s not the right time.

I think I could drop the morning one too, completely, if I was more disciplined about getting myself up and dressed before getting DS up in the morning. If I?m still in bed when he gets up he wants to come in too for a cuddle and a feed. I think if I avoided the situation when he wants a feed, he probably wouldn?t mind stopping (hardly have any milk).

But. He loves his feeds, and so do I. He?s also lately seemed to start to make a connection between feeding and love: he ?feeds? his favourite toys, and sometimes his favourite books (!), and the last last thing I want to do is to take away something that makes him feel loved and wanted. If I wasn?t pg then I wouldn?t be thinking about stopping ? there?s no reason to, as it?s not a tie for me, and we both love it.

But (2). I?m scared of tandem feeding. I?m scared of having a second child, to be honest ? I want dc2, but at the same time I don?t feel I have any idea of how to balance the needs and wants of two little people. And I?m concerned that tandem feeding might make things harder, not easier. I really don?t want to go back to feeding DS frequently, and I can?t see him being happy to only feed once a day when the new baby feeds all the time. If someone could wave a wand and say DS will just go on as he is now, then I?d feed both of them really happily, but I?m worried that it?ll all spiral out of control, and nobody will help or support me. (Family etc. all v supportive of bf, but think this is a bit silly and asking for trouble).

I?ve got the Hilary Flowers book, but it?s really all positive, and I guess what I?d find helpful (oddly!) is some negative stories. Is there anyone who gave tandem feeding a go and hated it? and if so, what did you do? I need the other side of the story, so that I can try and work out if my fears are irrational, or whether I?ll just be much happier and more confident going with them, and stopping.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlefrog · 04/03/2009 17:08

bump

OP posts:

drlove8 · 04/03/2009 17:26

little frog- the fear you have of balencing the needs of two chldren is perfectly normal, and will disapear when you have your wee one , i didnt tandam feed , but i did BF my twins at the same time! was quite easy once we all got used to it. so all i can say is give it a go and if it doesnt work out then at least you tried!- your dc is two now so he's had lots of benefit and if cant continue dont be down about it , you can still ave lots of cuddles!.... good luck with the birth little frog!

bigbang · 04/03/2009 17:39

I have been having exactly the same thoughts. Ds is 19 months and I am only 12 weeks pregnant though.

My main worry is that he will go back to feeding frequently too. I know what you mean about feeding him once and new baby on demand, that would be perfect, but it will more likely end up being like feeding two newborns, both as demanding in different ways. I have heard that it would be easy even if he did feed frequently again because you would have to feed new baby and entertain a toddler rather than just feed them both. So maybe less need for balancing their needs, as they have the same need. I am still unsure though.

At the moment I am pretty sure we will stop feeding soon, a big shame but I think it might be easier in the long run. I think I am more comfortable with this. I will watch this thread with interested, sorry not to be any help!

bigbang · 04/03/2009 17:40

Interest not interested

SamJamsmum · 04/03/2009 18:29

I would suggest you pop over to www.mothering.com. There are discussion boards attached to the magazine (very much 'attachment parenting') and there are tons of people chatting about tandem feeding on the bf boards. Lots of honest discussion.
I fed my 3 yr old and newborn but I would also be pretty positive so perhaps not so helpful. I think you need to hear from people with a smaller age gap. My ds did have more frequent feeding for a short time but it was still manageable and I am glad I did it.

roomforthree · 04/03/2009 18:47

Sorry, but only positives here. My dd was 17 months when ds2 was born. Tandem feeding has meant that I can chill out on the sofa instead of tearing around after a very busy toddler.

Dd did nurse more frequently when ds2 was born, but now, at 4 months in, she is feeding twice a day.

Perhaps you are looking for negatives that are not there!

Original poster

littlefrog · 04/03/2009 20:00

samjamsmum, that's v helpful, thank you: I will go and have a look properly when I have some TIME!

I've dug around in a few places, and not found anyone who really regretted having tandem fed - not sure why I don't find that reassuring! I guess the thing is (and this responds partly to Drlove), what I really don't want to do is to feel I HAVE to stop any time when the baby is tiny and feeding all the time - I think that would be truly horrible for DS (and for me!) I suppose another thing I'm scared about is spoiling what has been a lovely lovely relationship...

Any negative stories for me, anyone?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 04/03/2009 20:55

Sorry no experience but am in a similar position. 13 weeks pg and ds will be 2.5 when baby arrives. He already feeds like mad, but the bit that bothers me is he wants to switch sides all the time - I can't see how that will work when I'm also feeding a newborn, will he understand that he can't?
Also he still wakes during the night for a feed (although getting better) so am worried about hearing them both cry in the middle of the night and struggling.
OTOH I really do want to do it. If i stop now I will only be doing it because I am pg. He may then get jealous when he sees me feeding the baby.

Original poster

littlefrog · 06/03/2009 19:31

Bump in case anyone reading this evening has experience?

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 06/03/2009 19:53

I could have written your post at your stage of pg, except my ds was only feeding in the morning. My family had a similar attitude to yours too.

I found it hard at the beginning as my ds started to want to feed every time dd did. This was difficult and I spent a lot of time with my boobs out. In the end I stopped feeding ds except in the mornings (he was about 22 months by then). I did this by offering juice in a cup/chocolate biscuit. I figured that I had to do something to keep my sanity, and have since weaned him off the juice and onto fizzy water.

Now I still feed him in the mornings and it is a lovely time for us both. I am glad I carried on.

TheButterflyEffect · 06/03/2009 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

libnolmum · 06/03/2009 21:42

Hi littlefrog I dont know if you can class this as negative but I had very similar situation to you.(Same age gap) My ds was feeding all night in bed with me and as often as he felt like it during the day. I had every intention of tandem feeding even though my family thought I was mad and said he was to old. When I had my dd by section and got home I was worn out so up to the point I had gone into hospital my ds had been breast fed. When I got home I just couldnt face up to it. So for a couple of days I did more out of feeling guilty I think. Then I reaslised I should stop and give myself a break. I found other things to distract ds and it was difficult I cried many tears and so did he. (Still do ha ha). But we got through it hes four now and still asks for it but laughs now. And I have just finished feeding my ds whos now two. I think if your having doubts which I did do whats right for you sooner rather than later.

libnolmum · 06/03/2009 21:42

saintmaybe · 06/03/2009 21:53

Sorry, only positive experiences here. Ds1 was 20 months when ds2 was born, it was a lifesaver for all of us. The look of relief and happiness on ds1's face when I called him over for some milk and a cuddle when he came in to see me with the new baby for the first time, just the ability to give really intense comforting mothering when you're all tired and stressed; really don't know I'd have managed without it.
And it wasn't something I would really have imagined myself doing until the situation arose, I just kept feeding ds1 through the pregnancy because it still suited us.

Ooh, and actually his face when the new milk came in was hilarious, he was very impressed!

harpsichordcarrier · 06/03/2009 21:59

sorry, only positives here too. in fact I think tandem feeding is one of the best decisions of my parenting and possibly my life
it made the first months of dd2s life SO much easier and I think contributed hugely to the fact that dd1 and dd2 are bonded so closely. they adore each other, and I think feeding together, and the closeness and lack of jealousy that fostered, started them on that road.

StealthPolarBear · 07/03/2009 17:18

Thanks for all the +ve stories. Can anyone tell me about the switching thing - will he learn quite quickly that he's not allowed any more (unless the baby wants to swap)? Also, can someone look in a Crystal ball and give me a date when he'll start consistently sleeping through the night?

Babieseverywhere · 07/03/2009 17:35

StealthPolarBear,

Tandem nursing can mean nursing both children at the same time or it can be having two nursing children at the same time.

I would say 90% of my nursing time is with one child (baby or toddler) on the breast at any one time. Only a couple of nursing sessions a day do I physically nurse them together. Usually the late afternoon tired and whiney stage, I suggest milk all around and that calms everyone down especially mummy

At the beginning toddler DD did ask for 'side' (i.e. the other side)a couple of times. At that time she was 2 years old and old enough to understand when I just explained that the baby was on that side so she couldn'd swap. She seemed to accept that and no longer asks to swap if they are nursing together but still does if she nurses alone.

StealthPolarBear · 07/03/2009 17:37

Thanks BE
I am expecting most of my nursing to be both at the same time, at least in the early days!

Babieseverywhere · 07/03/2009 17:42

StealthPolarBear,
Just checking that you do know, that once your milk comes back in properly after the birth of your new baby, your milk supply will quickly adjust to having two nurselings, just as if you had twins or triplet babies. So when the time comes there is no reason to limit your DS time at one side, assuming this is comfortable for you. You can tell your DS that he can nurse and have as much milk as he likes off this side whilst the baby is on the other side.

I found it very beneficial to nurse my newborn DS on his own as much as possible at the start (easier said than done with a nursing toddler in the house) as I needed time to make sure he was getting my help to learn to latch properly at the start but YMMV

StealthPolarBear · 07/03/2009 17:49

Thanks - I think I was a bit unclear, when I said "any more" I meant not allowed to switch any more - does that make sense? I think his switching is just something to do for him, like twiddling my nipples but it might be related to the milk, which I suppose it would be good if when it comes in he'll have loads and may not actually be bothered about awitching sides.
It just occured to me that DH will be off for 2 weeks so I probably will get quite a lot of opportunity to feed LO on his/her own - you're right, I hadn't thought that might be useful (as well as quite precious when they're that young)

Babieseverywhere · 07/03/2009 17:56

I think you'll find that he'll be more interested in pokeing watching his new sibling. I started carrying small interesting things to give to my daughter to hold which wouldn't hurt the baby if dropped on his head like, folding paper, hairband but kept her hands occupied.

You can swap baby and toddler around during a feed and I did this if I felt engorged getting the toddler to take the fast milk off before the baby started, that worked well to.

Oh, it is so lovely when they break off nurse to smile and giggle at each other...such a wonderful memory.

DS now 6 months old pokes her back now...LOL...so DD 2.6 years breaks off nurse to wail 'Mummy, baby touching me, no'

StealthPolarBear · 07/03/2009 18:00

ahhhhh.....will keep to hand some small interesting things, thanks for the tip.
Switching them both do you not need another couple of pairs of hands?!
DS gets very annoyed if there's anything (bra cup) in the way of his twiddling of the spare nipple, i'm a bit worried he'll see the baby as the offending item...hopefully he'll understand the difference!

Babieseverywhere · 07/03/2009 18:11

You can swap them both yourself. Mainly by getting your toddler to climb off and on again on the other side, or get toddler to walk behind your back and you hold the new baby whilst the toddler moves. This assumes you are nursing in a rugby underarm hold, I only tandem nurse in that position. That said I had another failed birth and had a CS, so I had to have someone to hand the baby/toddler to me to nurse, so they helped me at the beginning (DM/DH and a good friend)

I found latching on the baby first, before letting the toddler latch on herself was helpful. This is something I had to teach DD to be relatively happy with, to wait a minute.

StealthPolarBear · 07/03/2009 18:25

yes of course
it's not two tiny babies

you know i think this is my obsession, as bf in general was last time, my thing to worry about - i needed to know every detail and all the ins and outs. think i maybe need to relax and go with the flow!

Babieseverywhere · 07/03/2009 18:33

Yep, Going with the flow sounds like a wonderful idea

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