Extended BF; reasons for it please

[FloriaTosca]

Hi
I have been Bfing my Ds (pfb)for 16 months now..
However as time goes on and he is showing no sign of self weaning (still feeds on demand) which is not a problem for me, my Mother and my Dh have been suggesting more and more frequently that I should wean him off the breast.
Yesterday Mum asked to babysit at her house (she normally comes to mine while I work from home)saying she hadnt got her car for the day, but when I dropped him off she saw me off at the door saying "if we do this regularly we'll soon get him out of the habit"
Dh brought him home later than I expected, having missed 2 feeds then ranted at me when the first thing I did was offer the breast...but I was so engorged I was desperate! He then said that he was officially stating that he wanted me to wean now. When I asked why he said that "everyone thinks you should", that "he isnt getting anything from it anymore", that "you enjoy it more than he does", that "he is going to be asking for 'bitty'(a la Little Britain) when he is 20!"...he then spouted some daily mail trash about bfing being dangerous and making babies dehydrated
I said that when he read up on extended bfing and had at least a modicum of knowledge about the subject and he could come up with a more scientific reason for stopping now, I would consider his demand.
I am still upset. I dont want to stop bfing..my little boy is running headlong into growing up(walking at 8 months, talking at 12mths etc)bfing is the only babyish thing he still does and I want to hang onto my baby for as long as possible ( we are not having any more children)but this is an emotional reason not scientific. I remember reading something about weaning being best anywhere between 2.4 and 7yrs. Surely they are still getting benefit from bf after 12 months besides the comfort and closeness that my Dh denies is his real reason for wanting me to stop?

oh dear, sorry you are so upset by the pressures around you.

your dh and mine think the same and mine says all that stuff too!

my mother thinks any problem (sleep etc) is because i am still bf (at 14 months). As in every conversation is 'how is he sleeping' and the next thing is always 'are you still bf'

i too get very tired and irritated about the regular requests to stop. It is hard isn't it, to do something you believe in strongly but have no support or even understanding from those around you.

there is some good stuff on kellymom about extended breastfeedng and also dealing with critisism.

I had problems bf ds1, and now with ds2 it just feels the 'right' way to be doing things. i can't be bothered anymore to try to convince my dh that it is a good thing to do, but i hope one day he will be proud of me for this; it is the hardest thing ii have done (inc marathon, lots of post-grad exams etc)

I hope someone else has some other tips for you,well done for getting so far

the info on kellymom is fantastic for shutting people up.

personally i don't like the term extended breastfeeding, it's not extended, it's natural term breastfeeding... breastfeeding for a shorter time is curtailed breastfeeding and is the unatural behaviour.

in my case i felt no need to tell anyone i was still bf-ing after about 13/14 months... if anyone asked i answered truthfully but even my parents presumed i'd stopped once it got past a certain point so i no longer had any hassle.

i'm lucky in that dp has always been great..... natural term breastfeeding is certainly not something he'd ever have encountered before i did it with ds1 (with dd we stopped at 12 months) but apart from on one occasion stating that he wouldn't be comfortable if it continued once he was school age he's always been hugely supportive and helpful... not that that's stopped me bombarding him with facts and figures just in case he starts to get any odd ideas, although thankfully he doesn't read the DM so am probably safe

If you want to continue bf, then dont let anyone tell you you cant! However, at 18 months IMO it would be nice for him to begin trying foods.

Hes going to be going to kids parties and things soon and it would be nice for him to be able to join in and have jelly with the other kids!

I think its quite worrying that one of the reasons you continue breastfeeding is because you want to hang onto him as a baby for as long as possible. Although this is very tempting and its so lovely to have this special time with your baby you will have to accept that hes growing up!

Obviously the decision is yours, but have you offered him food? Why not try offering him finger food and just see if he will play with it and see what he makes with it.

Ive read about mothers who have scrapped the mashing food up part and giving them puree, just straight onto offering them finger food, letting them have what they want, but still giving them full exclusive access to the breast when they want it. Have you tried this?

I think it will benefit your child to start eating food. Its not that he isnt getting what he needs from you because im sure he is, but I think more for social reasons and to allow him independence from you.

Please dont take any offence from what I have said. I think its fantastic that you have breastfed for so long and your son sounds like he is thriving

splizzard - I am sure he is eating food as well as BF!

floria - the benefits of receiving antibodies continues as long as BF continues. Every time he is ill and BF he will be benefitting. I'm sure an expert will be on shortly with more facts but saying there are no health benefits post-12 months is definitely not right

I got the impression when she said "no signs of self weaning" that he was still completely on breast!

Sorry if I misunderstand that

Splizzard, I'm sure Floria offers solids too Floria, here's a link from Kathy Dettwyler's website. She's an anthropologist and has done research into natural term bfing. Other than that, your DS is still very young and there's nothing wrong with continuing to bf him. DD is still bf at 18 months and I will be continuing until she wants to stop. I would sit down with DH and get him to raise his issues about it, then discuss it. I wouldn't be stopping because he's officially stated it. Discuss what his problem is with it and then maybe you can help to resolve his issues. Do carry on though, it's still very good for him

Yes, if there were no benefits after 12 months then surely there'd be none before either! Tis absolute rubbish. The physical benefits are the same as before and you also have the increased psychological benefits due to feeling secure etc.

I'm still bf'ing at 14.5mo - DS has 3 meals as well, and other snacks, but he likes to bf to sleep for both naps and at night, and he has a feed in the night, and he has one first thing in the morning. I am proposing to wait until at least 18, maybe 24m before thinking about encouraging him to self wean; DH has said he doesn't want him still bf'ing at 2yo but if he still needs it then, I won't be stopping on DH's say so!

My reasons for continuing:

1. It's the best drink for him
2. He still gets health benefits from it
3. It's the easiest drink to carry around for him - whenever, wherever, I have food/drink for him on tap without mucking about with spoons, tubs etc.
4. I can still eat my bar of chocolate a day (the extra 500 cals) without putting on weight

Ok, the last one is trivial, sorry.

Hi! yes there are benifits to both child and mother. I still bf although my son is 28 months...i have friends who are also in the same situation, 1 with twins and a new baby.
If your DH thinks it is such a great idea to wean, then leave him to it, everytime he wants to BF pass him to Dh or even mother. my mum, family etc were the same and i still occasionally have to deal with "why you have to stop".
i think it is a case of fear of the unknown, yet when i was pregnant i probably would have said the same thing. i didnt even beleive that i would be able to BF and bought bottles etc in preperation.
Like i say my DS is 28 months and is in nursery full time, is fantastic socially and bright...words of nursery not me. i would also put it to your DH and others who object there reasons for stopping, as once you have there is no going back and because everyone else does is not valid!
do things that benifit you and your DS. its not like you are asking anyone else to do it for you.

PS sorry for the long post...yes kelly mom is fab for answers!

Thanks Weasle...it helps to know that someone else is in the same boat.
Almost everyone I know in RL has either not Bf at all or has given up for work reasons at 6 months or sooner. Even my Mum, who bfd me and my db stopped at 9 months because "that is what you do".
Like your ds mine doesnt sleep terribly well and yes everyone blames the bf...no one seems to look at the size of him (he is 25centile)and say well he must need the calories.
Thank you for responding...I hope your husband learns to be proud of you too ...fwiw my MWs did a dance of joy when I got to 26wks exclusive bf, apparently I'm in an exclusice club for that in this area reciprocal pat on the back for getting so far to you too
Right I'm off to follow that link (thanks)

I was in exactly the same boat as you FT, with parents despairing and dh not enthusiatic about bfing past 12 months. We got to 3 yrs and 3.5 yrs however

I love the line about natural term feeding, wish I'd had that one. I resorted to the line of "well at least I'm not giving them donuts and fanta" and also pointing out to mum that there is a known link between length of bfing and protection against breast cancer, which is something she does care about a lot.

Hope that you find some way of convincing your dh to support you and appreciate what you are doing.

There are no 'benefits' to 'extended' bfing...because a) it isn't extended & b) it's biologically normal for humans to bfeed for as long as they want/need to.

I think your stance of asking your DH & others to justify their stance is right. They clearly show a complete lack of understanding about natural term bfing and need to do some serious reading before they have a right to berate you & your parenting choices. I think quite often if people think they have a chance of persuading you (ie you show even the slightest bit of doubt) then they will carry on until they have worn you down. Keep being firm that you have done your research & are happy with the arrangement and until they have read the same things you won't be discussing it with them.

Kellymom is an excellent resource both for information and further links. This page is a good place to start:
www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/index.html

These links are good as well:
www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html
www.rosenbaumcreative.com/responses.html
www.llli.org/NB/NBextended.html

Also might be worth pointing out to your DH that by weaning your LO prematurely off the breast that you increase your chances of getting various cancers and increase the risk of your LO suffering from various health issues...these 'benefits' are dose sensitive - ie the longer you bf for the greater protection you both get.
www.promom.org/101/

My dh has been very supportive thus far but I do know that he has always presumed I will stop at 2 (dd is 21 months). I have no intentions- and I have made this quite clear- of weaning dd until natural term. When she was 16mo she still fed very, very frequently indeed. Very recently she has stopped asking so much in the day and has started to ask for water instead.

I am extremely happy to continue with dd. It offers comfort, the ability to reconnect after a long day, a complement to her immune system, a drink, a snack and I do enjoy it. There seems to be some taboo attached to me admitting that, but yes I enjoy providing for my dd in that way and will continue to do so until she no longer requires it.

I've adopted a 'never offer, never refuse' sort of attitude recently so dd sets the pace and I still respond to her needs.

My MIL did tell me recently that it's weird to feed post 2yrs and 'of course you will be stopping at 2yrs'. She's in for a hell of a shock.

Isn't it funny that even those people who support us past the current norm of stopping bfing at 6mths, 12mths, whatever, still have their own cut-off age, which doesn't seem to be based on anything tangible...

I'm very lucky - I occasionally get asked if I've got plans to stop, but no pressure. I did finally get fed up of being woken every two hours and night-weaned at 21ish months, but still feed dd (now 2.8) on demand. I've also done the 'never offer never refuse' route now, and sometimes she only asks once a day. I find that's quite a good answer to those who say it's you keeping the bfing going.

I have had call to defend myself against charges of 'keeping her dependent on you', and found that asking that person what her definition of independence was, appropriate for a 2 year old, shut her up. She had to admit that, beyond getting a box of cereal out of the cupboard, pretty much every 2 year old needed feeding in some way or other. So why did she have a problem with that person being the mother, who just happened to have a bespoke food product inside her bra, available 24/7? I have yet to find someone with an answer to that one...

Good luck, and sorry to hear you're under seige.

I'm still breastfeeding DS (3.8) although usually only twice a day. We've been at that frequency since he was 1 - I work (outside the home) fulltime, so it just kind of worked out like that. I know that there are immune and pyschological reasons for continuing to breastfeed, but really, the main reason that we do is that DS still wants to. (I do normally enjoy the time too, but I'm currently pregnant, and it's uncomfortable bordering on painful at the moment.)

I've been very lucky that DH has never objected to us continuing breastfeeding. Can you sit down with your DH, and have a sensible discussion about his objections? It seems fair that he should be involved in decisions about how you bring DS up too. If you can understand what his concerns really are, maybe you can work out a compromise?

(Btw, the dehydration thing isn't rubbish, although the reporting was poor. And obviously only applies to newborns, not 16mos.)

FloriaTosca - well done for getting this far.

My ds is still feeding at age 3.4yo and showing no signs of self weaning yet either. There are various reasons why I haven't stopped:

• It is my ds's world. I haven't come across a single time where having a cuddle and a feed hasn't made him feel better. I don't want to take that away from him.
• all the health "benefits" which have been mentioned here and on other threads before
• it is so handy. At night, he is back to sleep in minutes and I can even sleep through it.
• he still NEEDS it. We tried partial weaning a couple of times and after three weeks his behaviour became terrible. The instant we went back to feeding, he reverted to being his old chilled out self
• he developed a dairy intolerence when he was almost two, so continuting to have breastmilk was the best way of ensuring he was getting calcium etc
• he will wean when he is ready. My lazy arsedness parenting philosophy is to go with him rather than against him (within reason) and then we are happier all round
• I enjoy feeding him
• I know that he will stop eventually and anyone who tells me that what we are doing is wrong can eff off.

HTH

Splizzard - self weaning means allowing the child to feed until they themselves stop, rather than the mother leading the weaning
process.

Thank You All!
Wonderful links thanks Terramum.
I feel a lot better equipped to argue my corner now.
I do believe Dh has a right to voice his opinion but as Littlemissflylady says;its not as if I'm asking him or anyone else to do it.
Sorry if I was a bit obscure Splizzard I do allow him solids..lots of them, honest In fact he decided to go the BLW route himself at 6 months by nabbing my banana but he does still demand bf after each meal and sometimes in between too.
I think the "never offer, never refuse" route is probably the best route to go once I have beaten Dhs objections down with the weight of all your wisdom
Thank you again
I love MN!

Glad you are feeling a bit better about it all.

Never offer never refuse can be good, but if they are not actually ready for it then it can be difficult.

I tried never offer never refuse with my ds, and he just fed more and more and more. His behaviour deteriorated after a while and I concluded that the lack of boundary from the "never refuse" part was hard for him to deal with.

I just took this to mean that he was nowhere near ready for weaning and we went back to what we were doing before.

when people say "are you still breastfeeding?"

Just say "yes, and I'm proud of myself"

You're doing the very best thing for your child, and I for one think you're doing fab!

I fed ds until he self-weaned at a few months shy of 4. He is incredibly healthy and has never been to the doctors for anything (he's 5.2 now) and I put that down to the bfing giving him great immunity. (And as an aside, if your dh is worried that your ds will still be asking for "bitty" when he's older, if you ds self-weans at a similar age or earlier than mine, then I am sure he will not. My ds doesn't remember feeding at all, despite it being less than a year and a half ago. We've talked about it and he really doesn't remember doing it).

Reasons to be proud.

Hello Floria tosca
I haven't had the same degree of resistance as you but I've always pointed out to the 'but they don't need it anymore' brigade that possibly ds2 (20 mnths) doesn't need the nutritional aspects, although they are there still, but emotionally he does. It sort of grounds him when he's in a bit of a tizz. My dh was suggesting I wean and then had a demonstratioin of this and backed right off. He was suggesting weaning as dc3 (due last sunday) would have to 'share' but after he saw the way it cleeared up ds's mood he's been fine.
Hope that nakes sense....and good luck