How to make cynical DH support me in my plans to BF......

[Neeerly3]

Hi there - currently 37 weeks with DC3, previous two were prem twins so did not breast feed, but expressed for entire time they were in hosp, so had a good start (8 weeks).

I fully intend to BF this one, but DH keeps pulling faces and whining everytime it's brought up. Bottom line is he wants to help, he knows I need sleep and plenty of it, he knows that this time it's not as simple as sleeping when baby sleeps during the day to catch up as I have the other two (who are 4 and don't nap anymore) to look after. He wants to do the night feeds, or at the very least help.

He has also got these pre-conceived ideas that BF babies don't sleep through as early as FF babies and worries about me going back to work in June and having to switch to bottles (I agree with him in that I don't want to be expressing at work etc just to keep it all going).

What can I say/do to get his full support? So far I have simply stuck with the "it's my decision" argument, but he does have a point that this is his child too and he wants to be involved, and BF WITHOUT his support is going to be hard especially as I know the first few weeks will be hard and worry that as soon as I start to struggle he'll be there, grinning, with a warmed bottle of formula, thinking "I told you so", instead of letting me get on with it and helping me to get it established.

Anyone go through this and come out of it with a DH who is totally Pro breast feeding?

Neerly3, If you express you can still hand over the babies to others, go out, get some sleep etc as and when you require.
That way, you get to bf and he has no argument about it in terms of your lifestyle. Is that not a compromise he could be happy with? It would also mean that when you do go back to work you won't have the problem of trying to introduce bottles.

Great point Sachertorte, also worth adding that if the baby gets sick it will be more of an impediment to your lifestyle than bf.
Then again, DS was bf and was always snotty and ill. Don't tell your husband!

This study might be helpful. Apparently BF babies do sleep more than FF on average.

Good luck convincing your DH

sachertorte - i don't think his motives are selfish at all, far from it. He wants to help (with the bonus of bonding of course), and he see's doing the night feeds and giving me time off as helping. My question ultimately was, how do I get my helpful but misinformed DH on board as regards breast feeding (bearing in mind we FF our DT's so we don't want to be too heavy on the health side of things as he nor I want to feel guilty about that choice). I need to feed him things he can do that will be HIS job, make him feel useful and supportive and not pushed out and neglected.

Yes he can look after DT's, that goes without saying, he does that anyway especially now I am ready to pop and finding day to day chores hard work. He has always cooked, so thats a given.....if i'm honest he does MORE than his fair share already and I love him dearly, so I want to show him that I really appreciate all that he's doing and to REASSURE him I suppose that I am not choosing the hard choice and that there is plenty he can do once baby is here that will make that choice even easier.

Hi Neerly3. I have done this the other way round to you- DD is 20/12 and have 2 newborn prem twins too now, one still in hospital, one at home. I bf dd and am managing so far with twins. My DH is also quite worried about me bfing, sounds like simialr thoughts to yours, however only 3 weeks into DT1 being home, but so far so good. The first thing I am finding is that no matter how hungry DT1 is overnight, or in the day for that matter, I am nowhere mear as tired as when I bf DD. I think that the exhaustion of being a parent for the first time was overwhelming, and so I feel a little (only a little) bit more in control now. I have sort of got used to having less sleep, and I sleep so deeply now what I actually feel ok on a couple of 2-3 hour sleeps overnight. Before having kids I could never get enough sleep. So its probably going to be similar for you? The othert thing is that, no matter how a new baby is fed, someone has to be up at night feeding, and with DH working hard, its going to be me! I find its more restful to bf, rather that be up warming bottles, winding forever etc. We have juggled using bottles when DT1 came home, as my supply was low after just expressing for ages. I felt cranky and pissed off after a night up bottlefeeding, whereas I feel kind of tired but happy on a bit of a hormonal high after bfing in the night. We have got to the point now where we are doing what we did with DD- my husband gives a big big bottle of formula between about10-12 pm, I can go to bed early (or bum around the house on the internet eating special k ), it does mean baby stays full till 3 or 4 am, then I will end up giving feeds 2-3 hourly on demand- but now supplies are up they are short feeds, the whole thing is done and dusted within 20-30 minutes and I can go straight back to sleep. When my supplies where low, after DT1 came home, it took a lot longer cos he wasnt getting much, but I just had to put in plenty of time letting him suck, to build up the milk supply. ( I could do that all day and night cos my mum was here to help with absolutely everything else for a week).I am perfectly happy for DH to give DT1 a bottle of formula if I am out, but if I let this happen then I just have to accept supplies will dwindle and Ill spend the whole of the next day getting the nipples chewed off me cos theres not enough, so at the moment we are only doing this at weekends when I go to see DT2. (DH visits him during the week).

Its quite likely that bfing will fall apart for me when I have both my twins home. Thats ok but I want it to be my decision when to stop. I had to get stern with DH already, he was killing the whole thing with his kindness, let me give him a bottle here and there type thing, so i did have to say, look, let me be in charge of this, I will tell you when I need you to give a bottle. And obviously a part of him naturally is delighted at being ordered to have an unbroken nights sleep every night.

But the most important bit last- we are paying for help, we have someone in 3 mornings a week to play with DD so I can lie in nda bf. I homestly dont think I could consider bfing otherwise. Can you get any help with your twins?

"he's not being ignorant as such, just looking at the evidence thats available to him personally i.e. our 2 beautiful and far from ill/undernourished/harmed twin bottle fed boys"

You know this is faulty thinking, I know this is faulty thinking, and if your DP sat down and considered it properly, and actually read the information, then he'd see it too. We all know that you can't judge the riskiness or otherwise of lifestyle behaviours by looking at people. I understand you and your DH not wanting to accept this information because it makes you feel bad, but is it either responsible or adult to turn your face away or remain in a state of denial if there is truth in it? The research doesn't say 'your children will be ill if you don't breastfeed'. It says 'your children are significantly more likely to become ill if you don't breastfeed so logically it simply doesn't make sense for your husband to write it all off as nonsense just because your twins have thrived on formula.

I think in hoping that bf will go completely smoothly and you will get into a routine very soon, thereby convincing your dp it's the right thing for you, you are putting ridiculous and unfair pressure on yourself. BF is like that for some people, but for most people establishing bf is really hard work, physically and emotionally. Why should you have to pretend that you're finding things easy just so your DP doesn't try to sabotage your attempts to feed your baby with your own milk?

"Like you all say we are in this together so I don't want to sound like I AM GOING TO BREASTFEED NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY as I feel that is as bad as him saying I don't want you to breast feed"

Your choice to bf puts your baby's needs first and to do the biologically normal thing. His wanting you to bottlefeed is about about him and his own feelings. I can't see any comparison.

Oh and tell your DH you can bf one baby while having some much needed time mning!

You know with my DH I would find it tough if he was saying, you must bf, its so vital...Iwould feel very pressured. What I want is for him to stand on the sidelines saying, in a tame non-bossy sort of way, oh I think this is too much for you, let me give a bottle. But then part of the deal is that I have to mostly resist that temptation- but he'd damn well better keep offering. And he'd better not forget valentines day

Neerly - my dh came along to a bf workshop - part of nct antenatal course - very positive for both of us, and it was really helpful having him with a bit of knowledge - he could help to ensure that latch was OK etc which was really useful early on.

him wanting to bottle feed is not about him at all - I honestly believe that. As I have admitted he is misinformed, so with the information he has readily to hand he is thinking of ME and that I will find BF hard, I was asking for ways to RE-inform him so that he didn't see it as the hard choice and to convince him its actually the easier of the two methods ultimately.....

Sundaymarket - congrats on your twins (girls, boys, both?) and I hope DT2 is home soon. Were they very prem? I think I would have successfuly breast fed if I had taken them home one at a time, but we took them both home at 8 weeks and I simply could not get my head round logistics for BF two. I am in awe of people who succeed at it as it must have cost us a small fortune when they were on 6 feeds a day!

Thanks to you all for your frank and honest replies. I know what I want to do and I will be doing it and I will be back in the wee small hours I'm sure asking for all your expert advice....must look into buying a breast pump too - any advice there?

I had avent hand pump - only one I tried and I found it easy once I'd got the hang of it (I found it took quite along time to get the hang of it to start with, and getting het up about it really doesn't help )

I would think that you would find bf easier in that you won't have to sort out bottles etc - I know that many people use slings, and this could be the easiest way for you to bf at the same time as being involved with your dt once you've got established....

thanks mistle, a sling was next on my list also so that I'm not tied to the sofa on the 2 days that I have all three at home with me.

I have vouchers for john lewis from work, how does this look?

Haven't read all answers.....but it's lovely that your dh wants to help....but I'd be willing to bet you still end up waking for the night feeds yourself! (I expressed at the beginning for that reason and found the baby cried, so my milk had let-down, so I ended up sticking her on the boob anyway...it's just easier....

I'm sure you'll sort something out between you.....I ended up letting mine help by cleaning, cooking and doing the shopping...oh, and the walking the corridors at 11pm with colicky baby balanced on his arm....

I had an avent pump and had no probs with it.

It looks great. However, I'm not sure whether you'd be able to feed using it - you might want to venture onto a sling thread to get some advice on which one people have found the easiest sling to use for actual bf rather than carrying baby...

Neerly - nothing to add on the bf-ing front I'm afraid but please DO NOT buy that sling. We had one and it was awful - it was ok when ds was very small, but as soon as he got any sort of weight on, it hurt my back and shoulders.

Here is a good article and here's a MN thread about them.

Thanks Neerly3, two boys, born at 27 weeks. Its awful to have not brought them both home at once, but yes, in a way it is so much easier to be able to have time with one little guy first.

With pumps, I think it helps to know if you mainly want to be able to store plenty of milk so they dont get given formual when they have a bottle - in which case get the best pump you can- or do you just want to be able to pump when youre away fronm the baby so you dont get engorged, but are happy for the baby to have formula- in which case get the smallest/cheapest. I have used the mothercare handheld one for this purpose, its labour intensive and hardly ever got me much milk but fits into a handbag. Im currently renting a hospital grade one, the medela symphony, its incredible but not v portable.

Good luck with your new babba!

I have an Ameda Lactaline double electric pump which is absolutely fab - got it from here - it was expensive but I can express lots v. quickly, both sides at a time, and using a hands-free pumping trick from kellymom can be on the computer at the same time. I used a single sided hand pump first time round and it was OK but it took a lot longer, and required more effort on my part!

Look up Suzanne Colson's work on "biological nurturing" to give yourself the best chance of a happy breastfeeding experience (especially if as you fear, your midwife is no help, as is the case with many of them who get little or no useful training). It'll reduce your worries about getting latching and positioning 'right' because if you just lay back with your baby on your chest, snuffling about with both of you really relaxed, he or she will do the job for you.

There's all sorts of really cool stuff you'll probably recognise from when your twins were little. One example: if they were just lying on you, I'll bet you found yourself naturally reaching down to rub their feet? This triggers a reflex in the baby to gape its mouth open as it needs to to get a good latch.

Just remember, we're built to do this. Our bodies are amazing, and don't stop being able to nourish our babies just because they've left the womb.

No loving husband and father could question your decision once he sees your baby rolling off the breast with milk dribbling down his chin, totally blissed out!

All the very best with it when the time comes.

Maybe suggest you want new baby to have at least 8 weeks of BM, like your twins had and did so well on.

Good luck with everything over the next few weeks

thanks everyone!