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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

How to make cynical DH support me in my plans to BF......

70 replies

Neeerly3 · 01/02/2009 15:24

Hi there - currently 37 weeks with DC3, previous two were prem twins so did not breast feed, but expressed for entire time they were in hosp, so had a good start (8 weeks).

I fully intend to BF this one, but DH keeps pulling faces and whining everytime it's brought up. Bottom line is he wants to help, he knows I need sleep and plenty of it, he knows that this time it's not as simple as sleeping when baby sleeps during the day to catch up as I have the other two (who are 4 and don't nap anymore) to look after. He wants to do the night feeds, or at the very least help.

He has also got these pre-conceived ideas that BF babies don't sleep through as early as FF babies and worries about me going back to work in June and having to switch to bottles (I agree with him in that I don't want to be expressing at work etc just to keep it all going).

What can I say/do to get his full support? So far I have simply stuck with the "it's my decision" argument, but he does have a point that this is his child too and he wants to be involved, and BF WITHOUT his support is going to be hard especially as I know the first few weeks will be hard and worry that as soon as I start to struggle he'll be there, grinning, with a warmed bottle of formula, thinking "I told you so", instead of letting me get on with it and helping me to get it established.

Anyone go through this and come out of it with a DH who is totally Pro breast feeding?

OP posts:

AbricotsSecs · 01/02/2009 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Neeerly3 · 02/02/2009 08:02

thanks all, especially those with similar DH/DP's...if we had a bigger bedroom the bedside cot would be ideal, but theres only just room to walk down each side, so baby is going at the bottom of the bed in a borrowed crib for a few months.

I have decided to suck it and see - the best advocate is for him to see how easy it is (crosses fingers, toes, legs and arms that she picks up breast feeding with no issues!). I forgot to mention too, when boys were ickle, the job that was solely his and made him feel really useful was to make the bottles up (this was pre new gidelines) for me the night before. He had his own little routine and he seemed to love doing it. It's just one less thing to do and if I get to the stage where its just whacking a boob out as soon as baby wimpers he's got to see the merits.

Anyway thanks to you all - the health post was very interesting but I'm afraid it will just serve to make him/us feel guilty about FFing the boys and he will just scoff saying "well look at the boys, nowt wrong with them...." If this was a first child it would be a winner.....

OP posts:

msdemented · 02/02/2009 09:23

Could you not get your GP or midwife to talk to him?

Original poster

Neeerly3 · 02/02/2009 10:20

yes I may do, as Midwife will come round for a few days after the birth won't she? Not sure how pro-breast feeding she is though as I mentioned I was very keen to do it this time and what should I do to make sure I got the right support - she was a bit non-commital with "well just make sure the hosp help you with the latch and keep at it...." er thanks!

OP posts:

weasle · 02/02/2009 10:47

so sorry your dh isn't supportive. Mine isn't very much either, and I am still stubbornly going at 13 months with ds2.

i found that the best way dh helped me was to entertain ds1 and look after him. it has made them much closer which is wonderful. clearly, when you are tired if dh could take your dts out for a bit or do their tea etc that would help. For bonding with ds2, dh did bath-time, including quite a lot of co-bathing which was their special thing.

i think now dh is beginning to be proud of me for bf and realises how much better and easier it is. I didn't manage to bf ds1 for long, and am really loving this opportunity to do things differently, and it feels the 'right way' for us. I went back to work when ds2 was 7 months, it is possible to continue to bf, even if it is just a couple of feeds a day, come on here nearer the time to ask for tips!

i found a local bf group best support, (and mn of course) as most of my friends, even if they did bf couldn't wait to give up.

good luck with it, bf can be hard, but it is very lovely too

hunkermunker · 02/02/2009 11:37

Does your DH know the guidelines have changed for making up bottles safely? He won't have the same routine with it even if you did ff - another thing to bear in mind.

systemsaddict · 02/02/2009 11:49

Could you just tell him you'll start off bfing for the first few weeks and take it from there, one step at a time? My dp wasn't convinced at first (he still gets embarrassed when I feed in public and am on 2nd baby 7 months old now ) but the two things that persuaded him were the 'best for my baby' thing and the sheer convenience of it, once we were through the first few weeks that is. Once he saw it in practice he refused to countenance a shift to formula. I think he's idler than yours though, he really liked the idea of not being involved in the night feeds!

TheProvincialLady · 02/02/2009 11:49

The La Leche League do a leaflet for fathers about BF. If you got in touch via the helpline or your local group they would send one to you.

Have to say though, if it was me I would put my foot down and say it is my decision and that is what is going to happen so get used to it. You are an adult and can sort out your own issues re bottles when you return to work, you don't need your DH to fix/decide everything for you.

Original poster

Neeerly3 · 02/02/2009 12:38

hunker, that could well be my trump card - as he won't be wanting to make bottles up in the middle of the night when DC3 is deciding to cluster feed!

OP posts:

Bettymum · 02/02/2009 12:57

I BF DD, so DH wasn't able to help directly in that, but he was sooooooooo good at winding and often if I was having trouble winding DD in the middle of the night, he would take her and sit with her until she'd done a good burp or two, whilst I went back to bed .
There are lots of things men can do to help, I can understand why they may feel excluded if their partners are breastfeeding but it's only for a little while when you look at the life of a child.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

Thankyouandgoodnight · 02/02/2009 21:01

It's a woman's basic right to breast feed and is listed as such in the human rights act.

madmouse · 02/02/2009 21:07

Thankyouandgoodnight, not in the Human Rights Act I work with on a daily basis?? i googled it and canada seems to have somethin in theirs.

madmouse · 02/02/2009 21:08

sorry, meant to say not in the UK HRA

chillybangbang · 02/02/2009 21:08

Thankyouandgoodnight - what a good point.

How bizarre that the rest of us have somehow managed to overlook something as important as this.

Thankyouandgoodnight · 02/02/2009 21:11

Here?

Thankyouandgoodnight · 02/02/2009 21:15

My DH had a bit of a funny turn shall we say - he wanted to give DS a bottle of formula one evening that we were actually going out, 'to ensure that he slept'. He'd mentioned it a few times over the past weeks and each time I casullay waved it off. I finally told him that I really didn't want to and that I would BF him. He got all shirty and basically asked what if he wanted to give him a bottle. i replied and said that I was in no doubt that him being him, he would go ahead and do it but that it was the highest insult to a breast feeding mother to suggest that her milk wasn't good enough. I was so upset. He's a control freak anyway and saw the situation as me trying to control him. What men forget sometimes is that we are infact just mammals and some of us have biological urges to feed our babies that we can't explain and shouldn't have to justify.

madmouse · 02/02/2009 21:15

Looked at that. Do you mean the Convention for the Rights of the Child then? That carries a heck of a lot less weight than the HRA, sorry , and that is apart from the fact that the UK has not adopted it in full...

Thankyouandgoodnight · 02/02/2009 21:17

Oh does it? Either way it doesn't matter - my point still stands - as a mammal who gestates and gives birth to her offspring, it is her fundamental right that she chooses whether or not she feeds it (medical situations permitting etc etc etc).

Thankyouandgoodnight · 02/02/2009 21:19

Besides, any decision should be all about the baby, not about parental ego .

madmouse · 02/02/2009 21:20

I definitely agree with that. Breastfeeding is something we were made to do and it is against our most basic rights to be denied the right to do so.

As a lawyer I just felt the need to point out it is not as securely anchored in law as you would expect

Thankyouandgoodnight · 02/02/2009 21:25

No that's fair enough - I stand corrected.
It does make me cross though. I mean for heavens sakes. Really. What's the matter with these men? Of all the things that a baby needs, feeding is just one bit. There's no 'I' in team.....!

chillybangbang · 02/02/2009 22:03

I've found some of the posts about dads on this thread quite hard to take - I feel quite shocked by them.

I have to keep reminding myself that dads who are unsupportive of bf are generally those who are lacking in proper information. Such a shame. Maybe if men's involvement as fathers was taken more seriously by midwives it would make a difference - that they should be included in antenatal preparation for parenthood a bit more thoughtfully, rather than left to wallow in monumental ignorance of the facts.

Original poster

Neeerly3 · 03/02/2009 14:18

chilly, good point - if dads were more included by the health professionals looking after the mums to be there would be more understanding and thus more support.

I really didn't want this thread to get so deep, just needed advice to gently steer DH into my the correct way of thinking.....he's not being ignorant as such, just looking at the evidence thats available to him personally i.e. our 2 beautiful and far from ill/undernourished/harmed twin bottle fed boys and trying in his rather ham handed way to make the first few weeks/months of the new babies life as easy as possible. His intentions are honourable hence I want to make sure his 'want to help' attitude doesn't slacken at all, but just gets directed elsewhere.

Like you all say we are in this together so I don't want to sound like I AM GOING TO BREASTFEED NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY as I feel that is as bad as him saying I don't want you to breast feed - I want to find the middle ground...."I am breastfeeding, and with your support doing x, y and z I will establish a good routine and sleep won't be an issue for long". Does that make any sense?

OP posts:

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 03/02/2009 14:47

I think lots of men respond well to cold hard facts.

It sounds like he's swallowed the myth of "breast is best but formula's near as dammit".

Giving him the facts he needs to understand that that is not the case, may be all that's needed to get him on board.

Sachertorte · 03/02/2009 14:57

Poor you.. haven´t read all the thread but isn´t your dh being very selfish? Prioritising his desire to bond over your baby´s health? If he wants to bond it doesn´t have to be via feeding! And doesn´t he have a role in occupying the twins when you are recovering from the birth?

Re health benefits, bear in mind that this newborn will have older siblings who will bring home every bug there is from nursery and a ff baby is far more likely to be ill from this contact than a bf one..

Good luck, hope he listens to reason!

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