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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

"You can't force a toddler to breastfeed"

27 replies

PrettyCandles · 30/01/2009 16:34

No, you can't. But I find myself encouraging 2yo ds2 to feed, even persuading him sometimes, and I begin to wonder whether I'm feeding him for himself or for myself.

I enjoy feeding him now more than I ever enjoyed feeding him as a tiny baby. And I think I'm enjoying the intimacy with ds more than with dh.

Oh I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

MissisBoot · 30/01/2009 16:37

Maybe it is time to be lead by your ds. It is hard to get a balance between your needs and that of your child.

Its important that you enjoy intimacy with your dh - I find it real sad that you prefer bf than being with your dh

madmouse · 30/01/2009 16:42

you may well find that when you wean ds you find out there are a million ways to be close to your ds rather than just by bf. I recently weaned my ds (1 on Sunday ) and I love not bf him. I love rolling over the floor laughing with him, he is such a giggle and gets a kick out of making me laugh. I love putting him awake in his cot and getting a sleepy grin before he closes his eyes (normally for the whole night too. bonus!)

it may also change the way you feel towards your dh. but if you feel you use ds as a shield to ward off dh it may be time for a babysitter and some good honest talking. Or a referral to Relate.

Take care

crokky · 30/01/2009 16:47

I'd try and stop breastfeeding because something isn't right with it and you've already done a massive stint.

bf affects people in all sorts of ways, personally, I find it a bit mind altering (!) - I am still fine, but feel a bit different to usual, I imagine that this is hormones! Also, it can make me feel more worried about my children than I otherwise would.

I've been permanently pregnant or breastfeeding for 4 years (which I know is nothing compared to lots of mumsnetters!). I stopped bf my DS when he was 13m in order to get pg again, which I did as soon as I stopped bf. DD is now 10m and still bf and tbh i'm really tired now and am just going to make it through til she's 12m and then stop. (I'm not having any more children!).

I think in your position, i would congratulate myself on a brilliant job and then wind it down so you can get things back on track with DH. Hormones can be vicious things so I would give up for this reason - so that you can get back to normal. In my experience, bf can make you feel differently to being free of the hormones sometimes.

Sorry bit garbled!

vlc · 30/01/2009 16:59

PrettyCandles - I think it's pretty normal to gently persuade a toddler to do stuff that you know is good for them. That's part of normal parenting, surely? And it's fab that you enjoy it, as must your ds, since I am certain a toddler will flat out refuse to do something they don't want to.

And right now, I can honestly say I'm with you on enjoying the intimacy with my lo more than with my dh. I have the rest of my life to be cozy with him. But BF will be over in a flash and once gone, that's it.

Enjoy it without guilt - it's a GOOD thing!

vlc · 30/01/2009 17:00

crokky, what did you mean by "something isn't right with it?"

GreenMonkies · 30/01/2009 17:01

When you say you're enjoying the intimacy do you mean you are getting a kind of sensual satisfaction from nursing or is it that it makes you feel warm and fuzzy and very close to DS?

If you feel that the way it makes you feel is somehow inappropriate then perhaps it's time to go with the LLL philosophy of "Don't offer, don't refuse" and let him decide when it's time to nurse.

belgo · 30/01/2009 17:02

Prettycandles - are you thinking about this too much? Just go with the flow and stop worrying.

llareggub · 30/01/2009 17:07

My DS is a similar age and some days he is more into it than others. Today he fed first thing, and ran into my bedroom shouting "milk mama, milk now!" and jumped up onto the bed and fed for a good half an hour. He also wanted a feed while we were at our friend's house, which is really unusual for him. He also wanted feeding when I was getting dressed, but that was more about him seeing his milk source, I think!

However yesterday he didn't want any milk at all from me. He came running into our bedroom in the morning as usual but was more interested in pulling DH out of bed. He pretty much ignored me!

I think you should just stop thinking and do as GreenMonkies suggests and "don't offer, don't refuse." Your DS will stop when he is ready.

Crokky, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "something not being right." Could you elaborate on this please?

BabiesEverywhere · 30/01/2009 17:10

Nursing your son and intimacy with your DH are two seperate issues and it might help you if you think of them as such.

It makes no difference if you are nursing your DS for him or for you, if your nursing relationship works for you, carry on and enjoy it. Offering your breast to comfort your child is a wonderful parenting tool and often helps the mother feel more balanced too !!!

Regarding your DH, maybe you could have a chat with him about your relationship and what if anything needs to be altered.

belgo · 30/01/2009 17:15

agree with BE.

Pannacotta · 30/01/2009 17:17

Also agree with BE.

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 30/01/2009 17:26

I'm not sure that they are necessarily two separate issues, but not in any worrying way. It's human nature to want physical contact from other humans, but it doesn't always matter who the contact comes from.

I currently spend an awful lot of time cuddling and kissing my 9-month-old and I know that as a result I am less likely to need a big smooshy cuddle with dh at the end of the day.

crokky · 30/01/2009 17:38

When I said that something isn't right...

I thought something wasn't right for these reasons

-PrettyCandles started a thread wanting help
-She said that she enjoyed the intimacy with her DS more than her DH
-She said that she sometimes persuades her DS to feed
-My personal experience makes me think that there are some fairly powerful hormones floating about in a bfing woman and actually PrettyCandles might feel better without them, like I did

I have no problem with extended bf but I did think that the "guidance" was to continue bf as long as it is beneficial to the monther and the child. It seems like her DS can take it or leave it and it seems like PrettyCandles could do with reconnecting with her DH a bit. That seemed like a natural place to stop.

Sorry if I have offended anyone, I was just trying to make a point about the hormones produced in a bf women can have variable effects. Just like some women, when pg, feel on top of the world, others feel terrible. Same hormone - different effects on people.

crokky · 30/01/2009 17:42

Just to say:

I bf DS who is 2.10 excl for 6m, then continued until he was 13m

My DD - excl for 6m, still going at 10m

I am not anti bf!

vlc · 30/01/2009 17:45

Fair enough Crokky. I read the OP more as "is it OK to enjoy bf my toddler this much?" and also as "is it OK that I persuade him sometimes?"

My opinion is that both questions can be answered happily with a yes.

Since "don't offer, don't refuse" is a weaning technique, logically I conclude that unless you are actually trying to wean off the breast, actively offering (rather than waiting passively) is OK if you are going to let your child self-wean.

Does that make sense?

BabiesEverywhere · 30/01/2009 18:00

On a light hearted front, When my milk came in for DS I was so full and uncomfortable in the morning that I would go and wake up my toddler DD, to insist ask her to nurse...she stopped eating breakfast she was so full of milk.

crokky, A nursing relationship between a mother and her toddler can be very complicated and it is hard to understand unless you are doing it. Nursing a 13 month old is completely different relationship. Just because the OP is having mixed feelings about this ATM, doesn't mean that something is wrong or needs changing.

crokky · 30/01/2009 19:16

BE - I take your point about the nursing relationship between a mother and a toddler as I have only nursed a 13 month old. I would like you to consider my point as well, which I probably didn't put very well, which was about the hormones produced when lactating. There was an old thread on mn which I posted on (I would have no hope of finding it!) and it was talking about people who have had crap pregnancies (eg hyperemesis like me) having more extreme experiences of the lactation hormones,

llareggub · 30/01/2009 19:42

Everyone is different; I can't say I've experienced any hormonal changes as a result of breastfeeding. If anything, I feel less prone to hormonal ups and downs than I was before I got pregnant.

whomovedmychocolate · 30/01/2009 19:48

Prettycandles - DD is 2.3 - she still nurses and we flit between me wanting her to wean and me missing the fact that she will wean eventually. Recently she's started saying she's getting 'bigger and bigger' and that she won't be able to nurse soon because she 'can't get enough milk out'.

I can understand your fluctuating emotions - it's fine to encourage him to nurse. He really wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. Just getting the little blighters to sit down for five minutes is hard enough - if he wasn't interested in having your milk he would just ignore you!

Relax, let things happen naturally. If you didn't ask him, he'd probably start asking you. Which DD does.

Can't help you with your problems with DH - but I doubt it's got anything to do with breastfeeding and is more to do with the fact that you've had a baby and it does change things (and you have to make a bloody great effort - both of you - to get things onto an even keel IMHO).

BabiesEverywhere · 30/01/2009 20:08

crokky, My friend is suffering from hyperemesis in her new pregnancy her thread is here just in case you can help.

llareggub, I agree I feel less hormonal when breastfeeding, in particular I find breastfeed calms me down if I feel upset or angry.

msdemented · 30/01/2009 20:25

Good grief - you're allowed to enjoy the sensuality of breastfeeding without feeling guilty. If it didn't make you feel good women in general wouldn't have much incentive to keep going beyond the age of infancy, when in evolutionary terms it must make sense for us to feed for longer than this.

I enjoyed feeding my ds more than being intimate with my husband for quite a while. Intimacy with my husband involved a lot of effort, and I was knackered. Breastfeeding didn't but was still lovely in a physical sense.

I think it's sad that mums worry about things like this.

So don't worry PrettyCandles - enjoy nursing your son. As someone else said - these times are soon past!

Lazycow · 30/01/2009 20:32

I think of all he needs is a gentle nudge sometimes then I'd say things are fine. With ds he almost never asked and on a lot of occasions he would have needed more than a gentle nudge. It was quite clear he didn't really want to keep bfeeding.

He was 2.1 when we stopped completely but it had been gradually tailing off for several months before that and as he fed so little my milk became much less so he fed less etc,

walkinthewoods · 30/01/2009 21:20

Have to add here. My ds is nearly 3 and was ebf until 6 mos. dd was ebf also and bf when she natuarlay weaned ( because I was pg).

I really wish ds would wean actually but he loves it.

With dh I would like to have a normal sexual reationship with him (IE not having to confuse bf and the sexual function of boobs ....sorry but I can;t separate the 2) ATM boobs are out of bounds (actually have been since birth of ds, and interestingly I was mad on the sexual side of boobs once I stoppd bf dd until the birth if ds.)

I think there is definately something to be said for being 'pawed' ie your dc's want cuddles, bf etc and when you get a moment to yourself (ie bed time) you are TIRED and fed up of being PAWED so the last thing you want is your dp/dh coming on to you!

crokky · 30/01/2009 21:53

BE - I'd see TF's thread but didn't post because I didn't know how to help her. I did feel very sorry for her but the only way I got through having a HG pregnancy when I had a toddler already was to have to move me and my toddler in with my mum for the duration of my pg. She looked after my toddler whilst I was pg the entire time. She also looked after me, I spent most of my early pg in bed too weak to move and even in later pg, I was useless. My mum needed to go out and I had to look after my DS on my own once - my mum had to leave him in the playpen and I laid on the floor vomiting beside him with a mobile in case of problems. The illness is horrendous and I was lucky to be able to get pg when DS was only very little so he didn't understand or remember what I was suffering. I just felt really bad for TF and couldn't offer any advice especially as her DD is old enough to understand that she is vomiting. The only thing with that illness is to focus on the end result and to know that you will feel amazing once the baby is born. Literally the pg hormones that make you ill go in hours - my DD was born at lunchtime and my family visited at teatime. My dad could not believe that I looked a million times better in that short time, but I did and I was. My last vomit was as I was giving DD her 1st bf - DH held one of those cardboard bowls and I was sick over the top of DD (not on her!) in the delivery room. I did not think my story was very inspiring!!

BabiesEverywhere · 30/01/2009 22:00

crokky, Good grief, I never realised how hard some mothers have morning sickness Glad it cleared out of your system straight after birth and that you had lots of support from your mother.

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