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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

You know what, it is OK to bottle feed..........................

40 replies

Dozymare · 28/01/2009 21:42

I have debated about writing this thread for a while now, but wanted to share my story in the hope that it will help someone at some time now or in the future.

Firstly, I want to say that I am a HUGE fan of breastfeeding - both my elder 2 DC's were BF for near on a year, and it is something that I loved to do and when pregnant with my 3rd DC, it was something I was really looking forward to doing. I would always encourage and support anyone in breastfeeding as truly believe it is best for baby and mum.

However, when my 3rd DC was born, despite lots of help on here, from the NCT, a BF councillor I failed to breastfeed due to the non production of milk. This was a HUGE shock for me, as previously I had always had an abundance of milk. I perservered and persevered, got stressed/tired/upset and then my DD ended up in hospital due to not putting on weight.

I immediately had a reality check, and made the very difficult decision to exclusively FF. This was heartbreaking for me but in the end, you have to do what is right for you and right for your baby. I teetered on the edge of depression, but 4 weeks ago I accepted that i was never going to be able to feed her myself, and now I want to say I am acutally enjoying FF. The bonding is not an issue as even better than breast feeding, I can maintain eye contact constantly. I still have that closeness, I still feel that bond.

I just wish that someone had told me that when I was struggling.

(Incidentally, I have thyroid and PCOS issues, which interferes with the production of breastmilk formation, being all hormone related and that)

Hope that this helps anyone going through the guilt I felt a few months ago if you are having problems.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 28/01/2009 21:45

of course it is, and people in your situation are exactly the people formula was intended for

GColdtimer · 28/01/2009 21:49

dozymare, I so agree with you. I won't share my tale of woe but I think I was looking for someone to just say "you know, sometimes you have done all you can do. its OK to stop".

RockinSockBunnies · 28/01/2009 21:53

I really feel for you - I was almost in a similar situation when I had DD - having been adamant that I would breastfeed and prepared in every possible way, I had absolutely no milk for days. It never seemed to arrive. DD was at the breast constantly yet there was only colostrum.

The breastfeeding books I had certainly didn't cover this scenario. Nor did breastfeeding counsellors have any advice. It seems that if you have a 'low milk supply', it can be built up, but if you have 'no milk supply' then no-one really has any advice.

Anyway, I was lucky, my milk arrived all of a sudden on Day 6 and it was plain sailing from then onwards (fed DD til 2.5 years). But had it not come in, I would have been in same situation as you and it must have been very unexpected for you, especially since you had already fed 2 DCs.

TheCrackFox · 28/01/2009 21:55

DS1 was FF for various upsetting reasons and he is nearly 8 years old now and he is fine. After all this time I wonder why I worked myself into such a frenzy of guilt. How you feed a baby is such a small part of parenting.

I BF DS2 for a year and he is fine aswell.

I have 2 lovely, bright healthy boys regardless of how they were fed.

Original poster

Dozymare · 28/01/2009 21:59

thanks ladies for responding - I really, really think that our messages of support will help someone. This is what this thread was intended for.

OP posts:

kayzr · 28/01/2009 22:08

Thanks!!

I really needed to read this, its even made me cry but in a good way.

I really struggled BF DS2 as my MW forced us to give formula top ups before even letting my milk come in properly as he lost more than his 10%. She forced DH to the shop to buy formula by threatening us with taking DS2 to hospital.

I made the decison to give up BF a week ago after struggling to mix feed for 6 weeks. I cried through nearly all his formula feeds. I still find them hard but they are getting better.

I really do thank you for this.

Heated · 28/01/2009 22:14

You have given me a lightbulb moment after just feeling rather freaky. I had no idea that thyroid problems could have this effect on milk supply - is it mentioned anywhere or just a theory?

laumiere · 28/01/2009 22:26

Thank you for starting this thread!

Just wanted to add my 2p....

DS1 arrived 9 weeks early and I struggled with breastfeeding after 3 weeks expressing in SCBU, I gave up at 8 weeks when I developed severe PND which coincided with DS feeding hourly. My milk supply was fine, I personally could no longer cope being DS's only source of food.

I loved FFing DS too, we never found bottles a faff, just made up a day's supply, DH LOVED being able to feed DS, DS was and still is a happy, healthy little boy. We found at at 19mo he has cerebral palsy, which caused muscle weakness in his jaw and made bfing really hard for him and so for us FF was simply the best choice.

I'm pg with DS2 and will try breastfeeding again, but won't beat myself up if we FF again!

NormaJeanBaker · 28/01/2009 22:34

Twofalls and everyone - I had my problems too - and felt very very sad about - but also wanted someone to say it is OK to stop. All the advice ended up making the whole thing worse because none of it worked.

And Dozymare - I also found FF more bonding because of the eye contact. With FF I felt I was getting to know a new person intimately and magically, when BF I felt like a vending machine. This wonderful time was what made me feel fine about it. And cross that 'bonding' is cited as a reason to BF. All the other reasons I agree with, but have met so many people who struggled with BF who found it a barrier to bonding at first - resolved once feeding was sorted out one way or another.

IAmTheNewQueenOfMN · 28/01/2009 22:35

in your case op YES formula milk is designed for you

but it isn't a choice for everyone

tittybangbang · 28/01/2009 22:46

"but also wanted someone to say it is OK to stop"

But how can anyone say it's ok for you to stop trying to sort out your breastfeeding problems and switch to formula feeding if they don't know what's in your heart? Only you can know if it's OK for you to stop. Nobody can tell you this.

Original poster

Dozymare · 28/01/2009 22:51

heated my endocrinologist has confirmed that some women with thyroid issues (mine is massively under) can have problems with milk production. Not one single midwife told me this or was even knowlegeable. It can also have the opposite effect and result in over production of milk.

My issue with the whole thing, was that if someone had flagged this up to me during my pregnancy that I could have problems, I would have been prepared. My whole pregnancy I was soooo looking forward to BF sadly for it not to materialise.

As you say though, FF can be just as magical and bonding (which ignorantly, before I had no choice but to do it, didn't think would be possible)

OP posts:

NormaJeanBaker · 28/01/2009 22:53

You do know - you just want some reassurance because you're a desperately worried new mother whose own mother is very ill and unable to give you the help she would otherwise have done. Or maybe there's another reason - we all have our stories. It's not about permission. It's about support. And doesn't always mean support to BF necessarily. Just to be happy with whatever you decide to do.

tittybangbang · 28/01/2009 22:53

Sorry - by "stop trying to sort out your breastfeeding problems" I meant 'stop struggling with breastfeeding which is failing'. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I'm just pointing out that telling someone that it's ok to stop breastfeeding is a huge responsibility. Women get told this all the time - for a proportion of these women stopping breastfeeding will be the wrong decision. 'It's ok to bottlefeed' is a value judgement - it's not an objective truth. For some people it will be absolutely OK, for other people it won't be - no matter what anyone says.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that with something as personal as this, we really can' be looking to other people for 'permission' to do what we know in our hearts is best for us and our babies.

tittybangbang · 28/01/2009 22:54

tittybangbang · 28/01/2009 22:56

Whoops
sorry - double post

NormaJeanBaker · 28/01/2009 23:04

I agree - and in my case it was only the people who knew me very well indeed who could say anything that would have made the slightest bit of difference. No-one suggested I stopped BF in my case - I decided that - but friends asked me very helpful questions which focused my panicking mind on what was most important to me. For me BF wasn't what was best although breast milk was so I expressed for much longer than I struggled with a non-existent latch (for 4 months). And life improved no end. I wouldn't advise anyone to do anything they don't believe to be right in their hearts but there are a lot of threads supporting women who feel in their hearts that BF is right. As you say, for some it is FF. I'm all for value judgements from friends - I'll leave objective truths to scientists.

Anyway this was supposed to be a thread helping anyone feeling guilty about not BF - for whatever reason - to feel OK about it. So sympathy with other posts seems appropriate.

tittybangbang · 28/01/2009 23:21

"I'm all for value judgements from friends - I'll leave objective truths to scientists"

Yes - but sometimes 'support' is actually experienced as persuasion, which was something I experienced from friends when I was struggling with bf. Once a decision has been made it's different.

DozeyMare: being nosy - have you got a big age gap between your dc's 2 and 3? I do wonder to what extent things like PCOS and thyroid problems are age related. I know - I had my third at 39 and have both these problems (plus endometriosis and gestational diabetes - oh joy!).

Good that you are enjoying your baby so much now. I think that parents should be encouraged to get really close to their babies while bottlefeeding - it really pains me when I see people feeding at an arms length. I want to shout - no! give that baby a cuddle! It would be good if there was more focus on attachment between mums and babies generally, and not such an emphasis on breastfeeding as a sort of bonding 'tool'. It's the way you mother your baby that really matters when it comes to bonding - however you feed - as you have discovered!

Heated · 28/01/2009 23:36

I am just stunned that no-one mentioned thyroid problems can affect milk supply! I always put it down to a traumatic birth.

Have now googled 'milk-supply thyroid' and found plenty of links.

With my 1st dc I was hooked up to a pump for 8 days and then slowly and very painfully got some milk, but never established breast-feeding and yet I was kept in hospital for 4 days, saw the hospital 'bf advisor', consultant, 4 mws, hv and the word thyroid was in bold at top of my medical notes but no one mentioned it could affect milk-supply.

And the overwhelming guilt & sense of failure definitely contributed to my pnd and affected my relationship with dc1.

Thank you for this thread Dozymare.

Tortington · 28/01/2009 23:41

its also ok as a choice rather than through lack of choice as is stated here.

GColdtimer · 29/01/2009 08:36

"But how can anyone say it's ok for you to stop trying to sort out your breastfeeding problems and switch to formula feeding if they don't know what's in your heart? Only you can know if it's OK for you to stop. Nobody can tell you this."

tittybangbang, you are completely missing the point. It is a head and heart thing. In your heart you desparately want to continue and will continue to put yourself through hell dreading every single of the 10 feeds a day for 6 weeks (am personalizing here). The reason you are not stopping is because it is something you really want to work. In your head, you know that actually, stopping would be better for you and your baby and that you have really given it your absolute best. In my case it was the best thing I did, even though I cried and cried and cried about it. I really wanted to breastfeed and had lots of support - the BFC virtually camped out at my house.

Unless you have been there, I don't think you will understand. Unless you have been there and conquered in which case, you are the kind of person I found it really hard to talk to - I felt even more of a failure.

I and many other people here completely understand where dozymare is coming from and thank her for starting this thread. DD is now 2.9 and I came to terms with FF a long time ago but I really feel for other people going through what I did.

Sorry for long post. Haven't felt this strongly about this issue for a long time.

fishie · 29/01/2009 08:39

spot on custy.

GColdtimer · 29/01/2009 08:39

"It's the way you mother your baby that really matters when it comes to bonding - however you feed - as you have discovered!"

And I agree with you there - my bond got stronger when I switched because I wasn't tense and in pain and I always fed her cuddling her close.

yarrow5 · 29/01/2009 09:08

I totally agree! i won't go into the reasons but also had a failed attempt at bf. at the time i didn't feel that guilty, just relieved the pain, stress, crying(both me ds & dh)weight loss and fear would end. its only since i stopped i have been made to feel guilty by the heartless comments some people make, the stares i have got when the bottle comes out and that "look" people give when they find out you're ff.

I really hope this thread continues to be a supportive thread for ff and doesn't turn into the usual bf v ff debate.

tittybangbang · 29/01/2009 10:07

"tittybangbang, you are completely missing the point. It is a head and heart thing. In your heart you desparately want to continue and will continue to put yourself through hell dreading every single of the 10 feeds a day for 6 weeks (am personalizing here). The reason you are not stopping is because it is something you really want to work. In your head, you know that actually, stopping would be better for you and your baby and that you have really given it your absolute best."

How were you helped to come to a decision to stop? Did anyone say 'It's ok to ff' and if they did would it have made a difference?

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