You know what, it is OK to bottle feed..........................

[Dozymare]

I have debated about writing this thread for a while now, but wanted to share my story in the hope that it will help someone at some time now or in the future.

Firstly, I want to say that I am a HUGE fan of breastfeeding - both my elder 2 DC's were BF for near on a year, and it is something that I loved to do and when pregnant with my 3rd DC, it was something I was really looking forward to doing. I would always encourage and support anyone in breastfeeding as truly believe it is best for baby and mum.

However, when my 3rd DC was born, despite lots of help on here, from the NCT, a BF councillor I failed to breastfeed due to the non production of milk. This was a HUGE shock for me, as previously I had always had an abundance of milk. I perservered and persevered, got stressed/tired/upset and then my DD ended up in hospital due to not putting on weight.

I immediately had a reality check, and made the very difficult decision to exclusively FF. This was heartbreaking for me but in the end, you have to do what is right for you and right for your baby. I teetered on the edge of depression, but 4 weeks ago I accepted that i was never going to be able to feed her myself, and now I want to say I am acutally enjoying FF. The bonding is not an issue as even better than breast feeding, I can maintain eye contact constantly. I still have that closeness, I still feel that bond.

I just wish that someone had told me that when I was struggling.

(Incidentally, I have thyroid and PCOS issues, which interferes with the production of breastmilk formation, being all hormone related and that)

Hope that this helps anyone going through the guilt I felt a few months ago if you are having problems.

No one can 'make' anyone feel guilty if there is nothing to feel guilty for! If someone accuses me of, I dunno, shoplifting, and I know I did not shoplift, they can't 'make' me 'feel guilty'!

Similarly, if someone stops breastfeeding, knowing it is the right decision for them, how can a look, or a comment, 'make them feel guilty'? I can understand that thoughtless comments and even looks can make someone feel awkward, sad and resentful, even angry, or resurrect feelings of regret and disappointment...but not guilt, surely?

Mothers who formula feed have every right to as much support, friendship, acceptance and lack of criticism as mothers who breastfeed. The reasons for the formula will be different for everybody - no one's experience is identical to anyone else's and it's no one's place to judge whether reasons are good, bad, crazy, odd, or whatever!

However, for someone to say to a struggling, breastfeeding mother that 'it's ok to formula feed ' which is what Dozymare wishes had happened to her, is an intrusion (unless they know her very well). It risks undermining and belittling her struggle and her wish to breastfeed - a truly helpful person will not want to do that, but will make it known that whatever the mother decides, the support is still there.

And of course formula feeding babies and their mothers can bond!

Tik-Tok is right, as usual!

I do hope that this thread which seems to be more of a support thread than a debate one, doesn't fall prey to lots of the usual arguments. Sounds like the OP has been through enough and is enjoying some positivity at last. Good luck Dozy!

I don't think I actually MADE the decision Tittybangbang, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was in so much pain, was utterly exhausted and food poisioning at 5.5 weeks just about finished me off. I couldn't leave the house because I was feeding constantly through damaged nipples and couldn't do it unless I was set up with footstool and cushions etc so I was pretty much housebound.

I think if a professional had said to me "I will give you all the support you want but at any time, you've had enough, that's OK too." I wouldn't have stopped any earlier, I would have just felt a bit better about it. As it was, I had felt I had let myself and my baby down. I was told it was my decision but what nobody understood was that it wasn't really a decision. Just that I couldn't do it anymore and I needed to know that it was OK.

I don't think I ever felt guilty. Just a deep sense of regret. And really sad when every baby class I went to I was the person with a bottle. I nearly didn't go to my NCT postnatal class because I thought they would all judge me. And when the baby massage lady said "didn't you even try to breastfeed" I left and didnn't go back. Not that that has anything to do with the thread - just getting a bit carried away.

So when poeple talk about a "decision", whilst it is a decision, it doesn't really feel like that. You just get to the point you can't do it anymore. There is a subtle difference I think.

twofalls, I understand what you are saying - a decision sort of implies a cool-headed appraisal of the options. But when a mum turns to formula in sadness and pain (emotional or physical) it is anything but....yet coming to the conclusion 'I have had enough, it's time to stop' is a decision (don't know what else to cal it!).

Baby massage teacher - boo to her, how thoughtless. Hope somehow she has realised how upsetting comments like that can be.

You are right of course tiktok - the word decision implies logial appraisal. As you say, it is anything but that. When you feel you have no choice, someone saying to "well its your decision" feels a bit galling. Even though it is, iyswim.

Absolutely boo to the baby massage lady. So bloody thoughtless. But my NCT group were, on the other hand, great. Postnatal leader said she didn't care how we fed out babies, as long as they got fed and going to the group was the best thing I ever did as it was so supportive.

I so wish I had started this thread at the time I was struggling - I wasn't looking for any sort of validation that it is Ok to FF, but rather, for other women who for whatever reason, were desperate to BF and couldn't, that it is fine to stop, I did feel incredibly guilty, as I have said both my elder 2 DC's were BF for near on a year. Ultimately, I did feel that I couldn't provide even this basic need for my 3rd DC, and more so, very, very sad that I wouldn't have that closeness/bonding. at the time, I felt like a failure.

I guess what I am saying (in a round abour way!) is that I have laid that to rest, I am loving FF, I hagve the bonding, the closeness and the intense eye contact you can give a FF baby is very special indeed. (although can be friustrating when said baby just starts smiling rather than drinking, but Oh so heartwarming!)

I really didn't start this thread to become a FF vs BF debate (as God know's we have enough of those) but rather to offer support for women who's choice of feeding doesn't pan out.

Thank you for sharing your stories, It has really been more of a help to me than you could imagine as I still have wobbles every now and again and it has made me realise that I am not alone.

its very easy to feel guilty! the looks are such that you didn't try hard enough or don't care enough. It makes me feel guilty as i feel like i have done something wrong, guilt that by giving in i have some how harmed my baby.I know this not to be true however it doesn't stop me feeling this way. you're right tiktok ff feeding mums should be entitled to as much support but sadly this doesn't happen, and in my case, as soon as i made that choice i was pretty much left to get on with it. Thats why i think this is a much needed & useful thread!

yarrow, if all you are feeling is 'guilty' then that is easy to deal with - just as the innocent person banged up for an offence they did not commit does not feel guilty because they know they have not done anything wrong...no matter what looks or even words they get, they do not feel guilty. They feel angry, resentful, and frustrated at being judged, yes, but no one can make you feel guilty unless you allow them to!

Think about reframing your feelings as a way of dealing with them - you may be sad and regretful that you did not have an experience you planned for and looked forward to. Anyone judging you immediately puts themselves into the wrong.

Women in your situation can be hugely and uncomfortably sensitive because of these raw feelings. You cannot tell by the way someone looks at you that they are thinking 'you didn't care enough' - they could just as easily be thinking of what to cook for tea, or whether they turned the gas off at home, honest! They may even be looking at your cute little baby and wishing they had one like that!

In time, you will become less sensitive and less liable to read negative things into the way people look - I hope so.

very true, its all about interpretation, i hadn't really thought of it that way. i guess my feelings are really more disappointment and anger at being unable to bf through what i believe to be lack of support and false understanding. You're also right about people who judge being in the wrong.
I'll go with them thinking how cute my baby is and wishing they had one!! not that i'm biased!!
Thanks!!

yarrow - you got it

I remember a friend saying exactly this to me when I was off my head with tiredness while trying (not very successfully)to bf my first baby. I'd gone back to work after just over a month and was still struggling with latch problems, also expressing and feeding very frequently. My dd was a fat, jaundiced sleepy baby with a mouth about half the size of my bloody nipples.

I do think my friend meant well and she's an amazingly kind, lovely person and a wonderful mum, but TBH, looking back on it I think her saying this to me was more of a reflection of her feelings about her own experience of bf - she'd given up bf at 6 weeks with her first and ff from day one with her second. She was very happy to ff - it suited her very well, but it wouldn't have been 'OK' for me, even if I hadn't had a choice in the matter and simply couldn't go on with bf. I personally wouldn't take it upon myself to say this to a friend who was struggling with bf. I'd try to support her by praising her mothering skills (which isn't difficult to do, all the mums I know personally are totally devoted to their babies and do everything they can to keep them happy and well) and just listening to her.

titok you have jsut given me my watershed moment - I too shall think they are thinking how wonderful my DD is (which of course she is That is so wonderfully true what you said. You are very wise

This thread is really making me think. Thank you for posting it.
I have read your post twice Tiktok. It makes perfect sense to me, I think for the first time why I shouldnt feel guilty.
I always have felt guilty and felt the 'looks'.
I've tended to rush in with my reasons why BFing didnt work out as soon as I felt a 'look' but I shouldnt need to and I wont any more. I know that my reasons are valid and that I did what I had to do. If anyone else judges, then thats their problem. No explanations necesary!
Thank you. It is lovely to see such a supportive thread on a topic that provokes such strong feelings.

Thankyou dozymare for starting this thread. My experience was the other way round and i desperatly wanted to feed DS1 but he wouldnt latch despite lots of support (he had an undiagnosed skull fracture which was the probable cause with hindsight). DS2 is just a boob monster

I dont feel guilt that DS1 was FF as much as disappointment that i wasnt able to have the bond with him that BFing has given me with DS2.

Tiktok is spot-on (again) but saying that all mothers (ffing or BFing) should be supported without criticism

Great thread. Was very interested to hear about the connection between thyroid function and milk supply. I have never heard of this before. I was diagnosed with PCO some years ago, although thankfully didn't have problems conceiving. I have always had an overabundance of milk, so this has something to do with my thyroid? All of the links I've found only mention low supply.

Sorry - veering off topic here. Just wondering if I need to take my thyroid to the drs...