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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Positive outcome from our loss

66 replies

bubble99 · 01/04/2005 22:44

Once we knew we were expecting twins and towards the end of my pregnancy, I ordered lots of twins stuff. I got books on parenting multiples and a particularly snazzy twins breastfeeding cushion called "EZ2Nurse" via The States. When Bo died and Elijah and I got home from hospital without Bo I was met by the double pushchair, books and the cushion. That was very sad. My health visitor, who is fab and was my HV for my previous DS came 12 days after we'd been home and I gave her the cushion and the books. We're hanging on to the double pushchair as I'm hoping to conceive asap so we'll need it. I asked her to give the cushion, unwrapped and still in box, to someone who would benefit from it.
The HV visited yesterday and, as she was leaving, told me that she'd given it to a seventeen year old who didn't have a bean and had had twins. She had, apparently, wanted to BF but had encountered peer and family pressure to bottlefeed. No flaming here, I'm just recounting what the HV told me, Anyway, with the help of the BF cushion she is doing really well with BF even though she is tiny and the cushion is almost the same size as her. Isn't that a positive outcome from something so bad?

OP posts:

suzywong · 02/04/2005 23:46

don't know what to say .......hug your Elijah very hard from me too

champs · 03/04/2005 01:39

love to you and your family. we dont know each other but I followed yours and mr bubble's brave posts. tearfull and admiring your wonderful nature. Bless you for giving away your stuff and how lovely that it went to someone who needed it so much.
xxx

LIZS · 03/04/2005 08:46

bubble99, Your posts are so moving.

Can't imagine what a tough time you are having but your inner strength and generosity just amaze me. You quite rightly take comfort in such gestures and hopefully at some point will be able to look back with pride. Hope you are able to find a suitable way to commemmorate Bo as a family.

emmatmg · 03/04/2005 08:59

Bubble, again I'm really lost for words.

What a lovely thing you did for the young girl, I hope she continues and gets on well.

You second post really has moved me to tears. I wish I knew the right words to say how sad I feel for you and your family at the loss of little Bo.

My haert goes out to you.

GeorginaA · 03/04/2005 10:47

Oh bubble... everyone else said it so much better, but I wanted you to know I was thinking about you and that your last post about the cremation brought tears to my eyes too.

I think what you did for that seventeen year old was truly beautiful and I think you're a very special lady.

xxx

ionesmum · 03/04/2005 10:51

bubble . I don't know what else to say...thinking of you xxxxxx

Tessiebear · 03/04/2005 10:54

That is so fantastic Bubble - brought a tear to my eye .... hope you are doing ok

Tessiebear · 03/04/2005 10:57

Juat read your second post Bubble - dont know what to say .... cant type for tears...

motherinferior · 03/04/2005 11:16

Bubble, what a lovely woman you are.

hub2dee · 03/04/2005 12:02

We all love the bub.

Nothing to stop you scattering the ashes - if you indeed decide to - on the 1st anniversary. The one year wait has been shown to have certain psychological - and social - benefits. Perhaps closer family, and your closest friends - who no doubt have also been affected by your loss - can share this event with you ?

Of course I appreciate it will be delcious Elijah's first birthday, and you will be fussing and celebrating that, but you're likely going to be having a frought, teary mind anyway, and the passage of time might have given you the breathing space that you need to deal with this insanely unfair situation.

(And you could always shift a birthday party a few days either way)...

Oh, and Mr. practical says Justine is selling a nice Mountain Buggy Urban single, if the thought of pushing a double is too hard to bare...

As always, a big hug to you and hope you get your Mac-compatible site soon. Also waving magic wand for Elijah's sibling-mini-bubble conception...

motherpeculiar · 03/04/2005 12:57

don't be in any rush to scatter Bo's ashes - give yourself plenty of time. It'll never be easy but there will be a time when you'll feel ready I hope.

Again, echoing what everyone else has said, you are a star in so many ways and particularly this time about the cushion.

Thinking of you

collision · 03/04/2005 18:52

I can hardly type for tears either. You are a remarkable family and I am glad to 'know' you.

WideWebWitch · 03/04/2005 20:34

well done bubble.

Hulababy · 03/04/2005 20:45

Oh Bubble; I have read both of your posts and have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

I am glad that the girl is benefitting in such a positive way.

edam · 03/04/2005 21:10

Bubble, that is not just positive, but a beautiful outcome. You are amazing.

Gobbledigook · 03/04/2005 21:14

Bubble, you are one amazing woman and your boys are very lucky.

xxx

JanH · 03/04/2005 21:29

bubble, this is probably a really stupid idea, but I wondered if you could pick a special place and date - midsummer's day or something like that - to scatter Bo's ashes and then keep that day separate both from his and Elijah's birthday and from the date of the funeral. Then you could celebrate his birthday as well as Elijah's, but also have a family remembrance day for him on that other date every year, and it might be a bit less hard to bear?

It's so touching that the undertaker cried too.

Original poster

bubble99 · 03/04/2005 22:22

Not a stupid idea at all JanH. A lovely idea in fact. And I don't want Elijah's birthday to be tinged with sadness each year, poor little lad.
It's going to take some time. I want to keep him here with his family for now. We got back earlier after a lovely day with the extended family.Elijah was the centre of attention, being passed around for cuddles.I kept seeing Bo, not immediately after he died, I was in a Morphine induced haze then, but two days later when I asked the MW's to bring him from the mortuary. He was dressed in a babygro and wrapped in a shawl that my mum had knitted for him. What will stay with me forever is his determined little chin and his clenched fists, he looked like he had fought and fought to stay alive but had just run out of energy. His death certificate said "Birth Asphyxia." I know that from within the womb he would have known my voice and I hate myself/the midwives/doctors/circumstances for not rescuing him. I hope he didn't suffer.

OP posts:

unicorn · 03/04/2005 22:29

I hope you are feeling very proud Bubble..
you (and Bo) have made a difference!

xxx much love.

kid · 03/04/2005 22:30

Bubble, I am lost for words but just wanted to post to let you know you are in my thoughts.
Continue to take it one day at a time. xxx

unicorn · 03/04/2005 22:32

sorry..that was a ref to your first post Bubble...

please don't ever hate yourself, you did all you could and you are evidently doing more now.

You should be proud.

Xena · 03/04/2005 22:36

Oh bubble what an amazing lady you are, to give your cushion to that girl was a lovely thing, to think of others when you are going through so much pain leaves me not knowing what to say. Hugs to Elijah xxx

hub2dee · 03/04/2005 22:43

It just didn't work out, bub. For many different reasons, but don't blame and hate yourself, for that ultimately does Bo's memory a disservice.

Mamma loved Bo and Elijah from the second they were conceived and will continue loving them always. Bo bathed in that love throughout a good pregnancy. At the very end things went horribly wrong and Bo is not here.

This is, of course, easy for me to say, but Bo wouldn't want precious mamma hating herself.

And me, I wouldn't want this stranger - you - so strong, and determined and brave and kind to feel that way. Channel your anger into your fight for change.

JanH's idea of choosing a significant day is, I think, excellent.

My first MN Xs, ever:

XXX

JoolsToo · 03/04/2005 23:23

amazing thread ....

Marina · 03/04/2005 23:35

Oh bubble, two such moving posts - Jools is right, this is an awe-inspiring thread. No matter how they try, crematoria are horrible places, aren't they. I think it is easier to bear if you are there on your own. We did have a religious service (not the burial service) at church with a few friends and family members, but we wanted to be alone in the crematorium. Think JanH, as ever, has come up with a fitting suggestion for finding a special time, place and day for Bo.
Thinking of you all XXX

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