Anyone else put dc straight onto bottles and got their dp/dh to feed the baby?

[lilymolly]

Hi Just a wondering really

BIL and SIL had their first baby last week and I have found out today that they put him straight onto formula (not an issue) but that the BIL is sleeping in one room and getting up and doing all the night feeds whilst SIL is asleep in another room as she is so tired and he is also doing all feeds during the day too.

Now as far as I know, it was a very straightforward birth, no stiches etc, pretty quick,so she should not be really too exhausted and this feeding regeme was from day 1 so hardly the result of endless sleepless nights.

I have also been told by MIL that SIL is now depressed.

They are pretty much refusing all contact/help from the family, so much so thay they dont answer the phone, so we cant really offer much help to them. And before any of you jump on me, we are NOT a pushy family and would never impose on them. just really want to do anything we can to help.

I am sure she is not clinically depressed, but prob having baby blues which we all have, but surely having little contact with the baby will help with the bonding process and help to ensure that she starts feeling better as soon as possible?

Anyone else gone through anything similar, and did anything help?

Or is this totally normal, and I am the daft cow who bf baby and did ALL night feeds as dp was at work and hence feeling a little bitter perhaps

What exactly is your problem with this?

SIL being depressed (if she is) probably has nothing to do with whether or not she BF her child. Perhaps having the break overnight helps her cope?

If this was in AIBU then I would say you are, very. They haven't asked for your help or opinion, butt out.

I was knackered from my "straigh forward" birth and had i not been breastfeeding would have let DH do all the night feeds

you are entitled to be as exhausted as you feel after giving birth!

i think you have no way of knowing if she is depressed or not, and no way of knowing if this is something they have discussed prior to the baby arriving

leave them to it ... maybe they are both happy with the arrangement

Is BIL going back to work at some point? Is he just doing the feeds now to give SIL lots of rest before he goes back?

never said she should be bf
Not sure what my problem is really.....
I just think she should help look after her own baby maybe?

and i never posted in AIBU so dont need that question answering thanks

Oh and I am butting out, thats why I am simply asking on here if anyone else has gone through a similar thing and not asking her!

Hmmmm. Difficult one. I tried for a measly 3 days to bf ds but couldn't do it so went onto formula. Tbh I was a complete exhausted wreck after ds was born, not for any one particular reason, but labour childbirth and everything that comes with it is awfully traumatic no matter how uick/easy labour is and think alot of people forget this, I mean lets face it, we have to to a certain extent or else we'd all stop at 1 dc!
Me and dp went through a few weeks where he did all the night feeds because I was just far too exhausted to get through the days despite being a sahm and him working a 60 hour week......
Think it's quite important for mum to be doing some of the feeds because even though it's bottle, the intimacy can still be there through closeness and eye contact, but just bvecause she isn't giving the bottles doesn't mean she has no contact with her baby.
1 week is still very very early and they just need to find their feet, her life has changed completely overnight.
Does the husband work? Is he on pat leave which is why he's there all day?
I wouldn't worry too much just yet, they just need time to adjust, if it's still like this in a few weeks then maybe try to do something to help but at this point, I'd be inclined to say leave them to it tbh.

I just think she should help look after her own baby maybe?

OUCH!

you don't know what she is and isn't doing ...

i think you need to leave well alone

lily - IMO dad doing abosolutely all the feeds is unusual as a long-ish term solution tho not as a short term solution to maternal exhaustion.

I think you are prob right to worry about your SIL but hopefully they'll sort it out within their family and she'll get the help she needs. Your BIL will have to go back to work at some point soon I expect and then things will reverse.

Just send a "how are you doing - anything you need?" text/card to them and if they need anything perhaps they'll let you know.

And def don't comment in any way about parenting choices /styles to MIL or to the new parents - it'll all backfine even if you're tryingg to be helpful!

I do take offence at being called awful btw.

I spend ages buying her lovely little gifts for her and the baby, rang/text and offered all my help, which was ignored btw, and have sent, card, gift etc.

So please dont call me awful.

BIL is going back to work on Monday, so maybe she is simply getting a rest.

The thing is you dont actually know for sure what is going on. You actually have no idea how much bonding she is doing. THere is nothing to do here really apart from be there if they do phone for help.

I'd think so lily, ds2 is due in 6 weeks and dp will be taking 2 weeks off on paternity leave and I'll tell you, I have no intention of getting dressed often, going shopping or anything else.
I don't think your awful but do think that you need to just relax a bit. Plenty of people like to shut themselves off for the first few weeks to bond with their baby, maybe BIL and SIL just want to be on their own with their child, find their comfort zone, completly bond and be sure baby knows who parents are before they introduce anyone else on a regualr basis, nothing wrong with that.
It's nice that you are concerned, but really think there is no need at the moment.

ok so I am clearly wrong then!

MN always surprises me, if I had asked this question in RL or thought about all the other mums I know in RL, they would def have found this strange, but yet again, mn world seems to be different from mine

Anyhow, you are quite right, will butt out, tbh, after speaking to BIL the other day, I did say on the phone, that we would wait to hear from them, and would let them find their feet before descending on them to see the baby. (they came to see dd the day we came home from hospital but I will let that one go )

Clearly I am not a nice person and have very warped ideas about what is normal for the first few weeks.

It's only been a week!
Maybe they decided no visitors for the first week (not unusual)
How do you knoww she only ahs the baby blues?
Ho do you know what is going on in thier house?
Your post doesn't really come across as caring, more nit-picking.

Of course you're a nice person! WIth both our kids we had relations descend on us in hospital and teh day we came home. It was fine but I can see how some people would find that horrifying and I wouldnt do it back for fear of this. Different people have different ways of doing things that's all.

or maybe I am just a "little" bit jealous as I was looking after dd on my own day and night whilst dp was at work and I walked 2 dogs, mucked 2 horses out, and during all this, I was mending a infected episiotomy scar and bleeding boobs

Que sera as they say.............

Can I add that until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you really don't know what it's like to be them.

I had my 1st child and did not bond with him at all insomuch that if anyone had said they would have taken him away I would have been relieved. If I could get out of holding him I would and would leave in his crib as much as I could. I felt nothing for my baby but a huge deep sadness that later developed into sever PND. Please do not judge her you really don't know her situation and not everyone falls head over heels in love with their lo. (I did with ds 2 so now feel a bit more 'normal' than I did for years with ds 1)

It sounds like you had it tough but they were all choices you made, you chose to have a baby whilst still having the reponsibility of 2 dogs and 2 horses. My dogs had to go and stay with Il's as I was unable cope. I bf for 6 weeks but detested absolutely every minute of it. I hated being so close to ds 1 and felt disgusting. (later bf ds 2 and all was fine -isn't the mind a strange and wonderful thing?) You can't berrate your SIL because she has made different choices and has less responsiblities than you.

DECKmuppetWITHBOUGHSOFHOLLY
I did not bond with dd either, but because I had to get on and do it alone (most of the day) it helped iyswim?

OK OK OK

so what can I do (if anything) to offer any support?

shall I send some flowers (through the post)

of just do nothing?