Anyone else put dc straight onto bottles and got their dp/dh to feed the baby?

[lilymolly]

Hi Just a wondering really

BIL and SIL had their first baby last week and I have found out today that they put him straight onto formula (not an issue) but that the BIL is sleeping in one room and getting up and doing all the night feeds whilst SIL is asleep in another room as she is so tired and he is also doing all feeds during the day too.

Now as far as I know, it was a very straightforward birth, no stiches etc, pretty quick,so she should not be really too exhausted and this feeding regeme was from day 1 so hardly the result of endless sleepless nights.

I have also been told by MIL that SIL is now depressed.

They are pretty much refusing all contact/help from the family, so much so thay they dont answer the phone, so we cant really offer much help to them. And before any of you jump on me, we are NOT a pushy family and would never impose on them. just really want to do anything we can to help.

I am sure she is not clinically depressed, but prob having baby blues which we all have, but surely having little contact with the baby will help with the bonding process and help to ensure that she starts feeling better as soon as possible?

Anyone else gone through anything similar, and did anything help?

Or is this totally normal, and I am the daft cow who bf baby and did ALL night feeds as dp was at work and hence feeling a little bitter perhaps

Hi Marla -yep it wasn't pretty when I had ds 1... xx
but I feel really strongly about not judging people who've just had a baby and don't act as you want them too or expect them too.

oh I found getting out and walking the dog a godsend.

Sorry you had such a shit time muppet

That's fab it helped you but it didn't help me at all. If you were able to overcome your problems fantastic but it doesn't work the same for everyone. My ds started nursery at 12 weeks (I remember saying I had to wait???? for 12 weeks, I sound bloody awful now) my MIL said she was 'disgusted with me' and that 'a child should be with its mother' to which I replied 'not if it's mother doesn't want it....'

We say and do strange things in times of change and let's face it having a baby is the biggest change we will every have. I said some amazingly awful things yet was fine with ds 2 and are now expecting dc 3...

You had it tough, but you don't know she's not also.

It got a whole lot worse before it got better but now things are on an even keel. I do have wobbly days but I can ask for help, mainly because I recognise when things are slipping whereas I didn't even know before.

You BIL/SIL are unusual and I would have loved their situation but until they start mixing with other new parents/older parents talking about how they parent I think they will see what they are doing as entirely normal!

This is hysterical! Seriously. My H did all the night feeds and I often slept in another room to get a decent nights sleep. His view was that I had taken 9 months out of my career to care for our child all day, that it was often harder work to be with DS during the day than to go out to work, that he was an equal parent and that therefore, on balance, his contribution would be to do the night feeds so that I could be on top form during the day.

This was a decision we took between us as a couple and that we were both happy with. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Why you think what other people do is any of your business is hard to fathom...

lm - i would let them get on with it at least until BIL goes back to work.
Then maybe invite SIL over for coffee, she may feel like leaving the house then?
You sounded like you coped really well but not every one is the same.
I am sure you are not awful btw.

They only had the baby a week ago and are both probably absolutely shell shocked. The birth may have been straightforward on the face of it, but you don't really know all the details and it's possible that the mother found the birth absolutely awful.

The feeling you get with the baby blues is awful, I'm not surprised your mil described her as being depressed. The mother needs time to recover from the birth and let her hormones and body get back to normal.

You don't know for a fact that the father is doing all the feeds, you really don't know anything for certain of the situation.

It's perfectly normal that they haven't responded yet to your texts and phone cals - give them space, and time to respond.

And don't feel jealous - your decision to have two dogs, two horses and a baby - I don't feel very sympathetic to you I'm afraid. You weren't doing yourself any favours by doing all that with an infection and bfing problems - you could have made yourself far more ill.

I think this new mother is probably doing the right thing resting as much as possible now to allow herself time to recover from the birth.

lily - I found that everytime someone in th eimmediate family had a baby my own experiences (good and bad) of paretning/feeding etc would come flooding back. And it is almost impossible not to compare and judge and admire the things that co-incided with my style/life back then and fail to understand why anyone would make different choices.

So your reaction sounds quite normal to me! But it's your reality you are thinking about no theirs.

Treat this as a little insight into what goes on in people's minds (in laws, your own parents etc) when they make comments about other people's parenting efforts. Often the comments are merely that (just like your comments) - with no unpleasantness intended - but they are received in a critical way because new parents are massively senstive.

It's hard to see people make such radically different choices to your own - but they will prob survive!

I'm simply going from what you've said on the post - but well done on the dad for taking such an active role. However, if the mum is depressed or tired, could he do more? There's more to looking after a baby than feeding her/him. So presumably the mum is doing the rest? Which would afford bonding time. Nothing wrong with what you've said the are doing. Juat sit back and wait for them to ask for help. If they are not asking, presumably thye don't need it and that is what works for them.

She's not responding to your card and messages? Sounds quite likely that she's depressed. She may have been depressed before she gave birth, if she's been shutting herself away to sleep from day one . No point comparing her experience of birth/newborns to yours - you just don't know what she's feeling.

she might have a really unsettled baby who spends all day screaming and vomiting, so she needs to sleep at night, you know that when you have a new born you are hardly sat on your bum eating bon bons and painting your nails all day

she might be doing all the housework, washing, ironing, cooking , nappy changes, bathing etc

1 tiny week after the birth she is still adjusting to being a mum and finding it quite tough, hormonally she will be all over the place and even if she is not feeding the baby ,does not mean she is not bonding! plenty of dads who don;t feed hte baby bond perfectly well

how do you know she is not clinically depressed? it is absolutely not your call to make

well i can understand that if you heard this the initial reaction would be but as you seen on here there are plenty of poss explanantions

could bil want to do all feeds now as he is going back to work soon and feels he will miss out?

i bf so dh never did feeds, but i think he would have quite liked that

I don't think you're awful - had a friend where similar happened. However she'd suffered dreadful ante-natal depression and the only way that her and her DH decided she'd cope post-birth was for him to do all night feeds so she didn't get too tired which exacerbated the depression.

It was a short term solution.

Muppet - i also put ds1 into nursery from 16 weeks for one day a week as i just wasn't coping. I look back now in shock that i did this and i'm sure i'd have judged someone else for doing it if it wasn't me. However in hindsight with no family around and DH working crazy hours i really believe it was the only thing that stopped me ending up very very depressed.

Traceybath - I believe I am a very different person from before I had children. I think we all go through the 'my child is never having a dummy', 'I would never put my child into a nursery' etc etc but when faced with the reality our choices can be entirely different! I was the first to have a baby in my friendship group (there are now 8 babies + 2 on the way including my own 2) and I found it so hard that they just didn't understand. They now ask questions and I give them my opinion but always understand that they will do things their own way and that may not be my way.
I have one friend who lost 3 babies before becoming prgt and was desperate to have a baby yet when I talk to her she says lo will go straight onto the bottle so she can drink again and eat what she wants....I am astounded but it's her choice. She thinks she's going out the the cinema 2 weeks after having lo and says she'll get a baysitter. I just smile and try to encourage her not to make too many plans just after having the baby and to see how she goes.

I think you're really suffereing a case of reflecting back on what you went through and how hard you found it and feeling a bit upset that someone 'appears' to have it easier...

The last bit was to the op not traceybath!!!

I am surprised at the outrage expressed to you, lilymolly.

I think it is very unusual for a father to do all the feeds day and night, unless he plans to do all or most of the care long-term. This may be the case, and if it is, then the baby's emotional and relationship development is set on a normal course (the baby and the mum miss out on breastfeeding, but there may be other reasons for them choosing this). However, if the mum is taking no part at all in the baby's care - and of course you don't know this is the case - then of course this is not a good thing. If the dad goes back to work in four weeks or whatever and the mum has to take over everything, it will be a challenge for her and the baby.

Obv you can't tell at this distance if the mum is depressed, but no response to texts or messages is unusual - it may be they are still coming down to earth, I know, but the other explanation (that there is something wrong) could be the case, too.

So I don;t share people's aghast response to your concern at all.

Most mums want to feed their own baby, whether it's breast or formula. A mother who is not doing any of the feeding....well, there may be something else going on there. An offer of help or support or kindness is perfectly reasonable, IMO.

I know why you are a bit in the air with this. I understand your confusion and your jealousy! Totally.

But then I am a baby wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping "hippy" and have real problems understanding why any mother wouldn't want to feed, change, hold, gaze awestruck at, etc etc thier own baby. When I hear about these women who put thier baby straight on formula and give them to all and sundry to feed, leave them with MIL overnight aged 2 weeks and so on, I wonder why they bother to have babies in the first place.

I had a 50 hour labour with DD2 culminating in a ventouse delivery with a massive episiotimy. I fed her, changed her, held her, slept with her (or not as the case may be!) and never once thought of handing her over to anyone else to care for. DP helped, mainly by doing more domestic stuff, and he did do baths and nappy changes etc, but he certainly didn't do most of the baby-care, I did. DD2 was born at home, just before midnight, we went to bed about 2.30am and the next day I was up and about (despite a tear that required stitches) looking after my newborn and my 3 year old.

I understand your concerns about depression and bonding, the less contact your SIL has with her baby (especially as she is also dealing with the hormonal crash that happens when you don't have the endorphins that breastfeeding gives you) then the more likely she is to suffer with PND and have difficulty bonding with the baby.

I don't think you are being daft, I think this behaviour is bizarre and odd. I think your SIL needs to get out of bed and start being a mother. But then I'm obviously as judgemental as you are!

You sound like you are genuinely worried about SIL. I would be too. Probably spending time with her baby, even just laying in bed all day cuddling and doing the feeds, would be better than the current situation.
I think you are in a difficult position in that they don't want any outside help or support.
And in my experience no it's not normal to let the dad do all the feeds etc. I feel sorry for your SIL missing out on all that cuddly boning time. Then again I'm from the same school of parenting as GreenMonkies

Well my dd2 is 6 moths old, exclusively bf til 5 months, has slept thru since 8 weeks & I am still knackered!

First babies are hard in that you are constantly on tenterhooks...you wait for each noise, you are checking them at every oppurtunity, you just cannot relax. Even when they sleep you panic that they should have woken up 10 minutes ago for a feed! It's hard mentally too!

She has had a baby....doesn't matter how easy her pregnancy/del was. Her body has been through a huge change & she is recovering from that.

Good on her dh if he does all the night feeds, brilliant to see him doing so much!

Also, refusing to see people...good on them! I would have LOVED to be able to tell people to leave me alone for a few weeks, but I am not that strong.

Some cultures have what they call a babymoon, where they shut themselves away for a month [guesstimate] just to bond & get to know baby, fantastic idea!

Send her a card, offer help & make sure they know they can call on you for that help!