Some advice on bf newborn with very young toddler-not bf

[littleboyblue]

Hope that made a bit of sense.
Ok, so ds2 is due in 7 weeks and I'm not sure what I want to do.
I am aware that breast is best and I am aware of the reasons why.
Won't bore you all with too much detail, but didn't have the best experience in delivering ds and recieved no bf support whilst at hospital either. We got home and I continued to try. Mw told me if I still had trouble in 3 days (it had already been 3 days) she'd come back to help me. Anyway, I felt my baby was suffering as didn't think he was getting any food, so I started ff, and quite honestly I don't regret it at all.
However, I feel a bit guilty when I think that I won't even try with this one as think I owe it to him to do everything I was prepared (at the begginning) to do with ds iyswim.
But ds will only be 18m and at mo is an only child so I am anxious about jealousy issues and would like to include ds as much as poss. I don't want him to see baby latched oonto me all the time and is it likely that ds1 will be intriged(sp?) as to what's happening and want a go? Because I don't want to do that either.
I was so exhausted trying to feed last time, and don't want to go through the feelings of failure again if I can't do it.
Does any of that make sense or am I just trying to find a reason not to bf as deep down that's what I'm thinking?

Bump?

One more bump for luck

hi LBB, i don't have any direct experience but i know a fair amount of people who have age-gaps similar to yours and have successfully breastfed.

i think it depends on how important you feel BF is, or how much you want to do it. personally for me it isn't something I will budge on, db3 is due when ds2 is 20 months and s/he will be breastfed, no matter how hard it is.
obviously other people make the choice not to continue/start if it is a lot of work/time consuming and that of course is up to them.

i suppose what I am saying is that if you do want to breastfeed there is no reason why an 18 month age gap should prevent that. yes, it'll be hard work, but it is hard work whatever the age gap IMO when you have an older child they inevitably miss out on some stuff while you feed the baby.
but I do think as well that it's short term pain for long term gain.
FF is a lot more faff in the future. when you're breastfeeding and your older one wants to stay at the park a little bit longer it's fine cos you can stick baby on the boob. if you're bottle feeding you have to go back for more milk.
just little things like that. I do think there are pros and cons to both ways.

I can't imagine that your ds1 would be intrigued enough to actually want a feed, but if he did there is no reason why you shouldn't just distract him and say no if you don't want him to.

I would give it a go. if it doesn't work out then you've tried, but hey, you might find it a lot easier second time round, I know I did even with a toddler around as well

Thank you thisisyesterday you are right, i know all of this myself, just need to hear it from others too I think. FF is a pain and in many ways bf would be so much easier, but also saw the difference in us (me and ds) to my friends with dc's same age and bf and they seemed to worry alot more about amount of feeding where as I knew exactly what he had.
I don't even know what I want to hear tbh, have spent so much time thinking about this that the thought wares me out!

Thanx too NDTH Again, thousands and thousands of people do/have done it so there's no reason it should be unmanagable for us.

Have to bath ds now and get him into bed so I can --stuff- my face have some dinner, but will check in later. Thank you for your help.

DS was bf until he was 20 months and 10 months later, when DD came along, he had forgotten all about it.
What I'm trying to say is that they don't remember anyway (even if bf for quite a while) so your LO won't have a clue that the baby is getting anything that he didn't get.
If there are jealousy issues, it shouldn't really be fuelled by method of feeding I wouldn't think.
Hope that helps......??

Oh and good point NTTH. With demanding toddler, there is so little time to deal with baby and when all hell breaks loose, I thank God for the 'quick nipple fix'

If you breastfeed you can hold new baby with one arm once they they latched on and have the other arm free for your older ds/book/tv remote etc. Bottle feeding means one arm to hold the baby and one to hold the bottle, therefore IMHO bf is easier than ff if you have two little ones as it means you are more mobile.

I had a 20month gap aswell and also second what yesterday said about not having to be tied down to getting home for feeds etc- whack your boobs out instead

So am I right to summarise and say that you are worried about two things if you start out breastfeeding ds2...1. jealousy issues with your first born and 2. risking feeling a failure if you try to bf but don't continue (because you don't get the help you need). And worried about one thing if you do not start out breast feeding...feeling guilty.

I have not had two so close together, but would your ds1 not feel jealous if you were holding the new baby to feed with a bottle though? Breastfeeding is quite unobtrusive and it does only require one hand thereby leaving the other free to pretend play/put your arm around ds1/hold a book. Other people can give bottles when they are around but during the day it will only be you and the children so you will find it more of a bind and faff to do the bottles.

Reading your first post made me think that what you really want is ff from the word go, but you want us to say it is alright to do that so that you don't feel guilty? It is, you know, because it is up to you (and your partner) and noone else. You know the facts about why breast is best etc etc so knowing these, you can make your mind up. You have to completely own the decision not to bf and feel completely comfortable in your reasons and then hopefully you'll be happy with what you decide and won't have your head messed up with guilt.

But it sounds like last time you had zero support...saying to come back in 3 days is dreadful, as you needed support then and there!
If you want to try the bfeeding again don't rely on the midwives and certainly not the health visitors for help and support. Research what supporters there are in your area and get in touch with them from the first second you want reassurance or advice.

And jump on MN for support as there are always people on here who want to help

And if the older one wanted a feed, you could let him have a shot but he wouldn't know what to do and would quickly lose interest.

Hmmm - actually I'm assuming that older son has lost suckling ability but maybe if he takes a bottle he won't have. I've no idea - ignore my last post and erase it from your memory please

no, you're right I suspect sasamax, he prob wouldn't be able to get anything out. feeding from a bottle is very, very different from the feeding action required for breastfeeding.

Hi,

I have a 19mo gap between mine - I tried to bf DD but we struggled and she was ff from 5 days old. I also felt guilty that I'd 'failed'.

When DS came along, I decided to try again, although I was worried it wouldn't work, but it did.

I'd say bf is harder for the first couple of weeks. But after that, it's been way easier than bottles. You save time on getting the bottles ready, you don't have to take so much stuff out with you - and after a while a bf is quicker than a ff. Night feeds are way easier too (oh and DS slept thru months earlier than DD had despite her being ff).

DD was curious at first but never jealous. And as others have said, you can bf with one arm, leaving the other one free for your toddler. I used to give her a drink and snack before bf so she always felt she came first - and she had something to do.

If you do give it a go, surely the worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out and you move onto bottles? And this time you'd know that really isn't the end of the world.

No, he doesn't have bottle anymore either. rubles, you've hit it straight on I think. Your whole reply pretty much sums up everything that I'm thinking.

Although, I didn't think about being able to spend exra time in park and it only taking up one hand etc. Isn't it funny how we always need the really simple things pointed out to us!

DP is taking laptop to work with him in a bit so won't be back on this evening.
I don't want people to tell me it's ok to ff really, I don't know what I want.
I know it's ok to ff, think I just need to get all this out somewhere that's not dp as he gets fed up of me changing my mind 3 times a day and insisting on talking about it
He is very supportive and helpful, but gets a bit fed up of having the same old convos I think

That's true Fleecy even doing it for just a week will give baby lots of benefits, and I wouldn't put so much pressure on myself either would I?

I'm sorry. I'm a bit all over the place with this, keep thinking oh but there's this, oh but what about that. And so on.
Part of me doesn't want to try incase I can do it but then don't want to, but part of me also doesn't want to not do it. I'm a complete mixture.

OP - I am a bit like you. I did BF DD for 8 months (stopped after 2 months of morning sickness) and all was fine, I will have a 16 month age gap between DD1 and DD2 when she arrives (not till April).

I too have been thinking about what to do when the baby is constantly feeding and DD1 wants attention. But I am just going to put in the effort to try my best. If it all goes horribly wrong then so be it, will deal with that at the time, but I am def going to give it my best shot as if you don't, you might regret it, but if you BF and don't get on with it, you can just switch to FF iyswim?

Also, I am trying to concentrate on the fact that yes, the baby will feed a lot, but she will also sleep a lot too. So will make the most of the time baby is asleep by doing fun things with DD, and then when DD is in bed, I will spend time concentrating on the new baby. I know it doesn't always work like that but that is my general plan anyway!

Also, I started looking after a friends baby who was 7 months when my DD was 2 weeks and BF. Never had any problems there, although that was only part time.

I didn't have any support either, and now regret not knowing that there are people around to help. I am hoping to get more support this time IF I need it, but if not, I am going to make a fuss this time and not just get on with it like I did with DD. I was a lucky one who managed to do it even with no help, but a lot wouldn't have.

I had 19 months between dd1 and dd2. Had not been very successful bf dd1 and really wanted to try with dd2. dd1 was quite jealous for about 2 weeks and needed heavy distraction tactics i.e. bribery with videos but very quickly lost interest. I did find it much easier not to have to faff around sterilising and making bottles while managing a toddler and a baby.

And I agree BF is easier once you get past the first few weeks. NO washing up!! Found it hard when DD switched to bottles, making sure we always had everything on us, getting places to heat milk etc and having baby screaming when you are making it etc.

Even now, if DD is ill/teething/hurts herself etc I really miss being able to make everything better in about 5 seconds with a boob!

LBB - i was in a similar position to you. DS1 was 11months old when DS2 was born. DS1 was/is FF although i did want to BF and did beat myself up about it. I didnt tell anyone i wanted to BF as my mum and DH thought by FF they would be able to help (ie do all the cute baby stuff whilst i was left to chase after a toddler!)

anyway, thanks to a fab MW and mumsnet, i cracked the BFing lark and we are still feeding 16weeks on.

from my experience, FF one and BF the other has helped in the sense that DS1 doesnt see DS2 getting a bottle and is jealous. he doesnt understand what BFing is so just thinks DS2 is getting a cuddle. its easy to sit on the floor and BF DS2 whilst playing with DS1. so they both get my attention.

i also had a lot of guilt when DS2 was born that DS1 was still a baby and i felt i was short-changing him as he wouldnt get my undivided attention. but now nearly 4months on, DS1 loves his baby brother, DS2 always grins when his big brother gives him a cuddle and we are muddling though.

i dont think you are trying to find excuses but are just being realistic about your concerns.

I have 18 months between DD and DS who is now 6 weeks old. BF DD for 7 months, now BF DS. No jealousy at all from DD and not interested in trying to latch on. Of course it is totally your decision whether to BF or not but I would say don't let the fact that you have a toddler affect your decision at all, and as others have said, if anything BF is probably easier. I watched a video before DD was born and found that really helped with BF, also if you do go for it get as much support as you can with latching on right from the start. Good luck.