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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Apparently I am causing my baby harm by breastfeeding...

69 replies

myboobsarepublicproperty · 22/12/2008 21:47

So my in-laws have never liked breast feeding, probably on the defensive as their generation were encouraged not to. I am exclusively breast feeding my 7.5 month ds who has had very bad reflux.

Anyway from day one of the reflux they have insisted repeatedly that the baby must be allergic to my breast milk and I should give him formula. I have asked my gastro-paediatrician repeatedly if this is the case and have been reassured repeatedly that breast feeding my child is the best thing for it. I have also sought my brother's advice who is a leading paediatrician in the US. But no my in-laws know better. I can't tell you how much they have gone on about this to the point where they have consulted different paediatricians to back them up.

Anyway I continued and lo and behold my paediatrician does now believe my ds has a slight allergy to cow's milk BUT and I do mean BUT he is still of the opinion that breast feeding is the right thing. Says it has helped keep it a light allergy and helped prevent ds from having more allergies.

So then I receive a phone call from an in-law telling me the following:

"Come on now you have been breast feeding long enough, it's time to stop. I have spoken to several paediatricians and they have all assured me that your breast milk is no good. (I haven't seen any of said paediatricians). It's a shame that the poor baby has to suffer because you won't give him a bottle. And if you stop breast feeding he will sleep through the night."

So I am pretty speechless and say well my paediatrician has reassured me, I am happy with the current situation and anyway plenty babies have sleeping issues. To which he replied "No babies do not have sleeping issues and your baby will sleep if you do the right thing" and about another ten minutes worth to that effect.

So there you go my boobs are the discussion of the in-laws dining table and friends. Breast feeding is wrong as are Mother's instincts. And of course this is all totally their business

Angry doesn't even come close to the emotions I am feeling.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 22/12/2008 22:21

AND Another thing.....got a soapbox here.

Remember that the financial help coming is because of the love of their son and grandson, not to say they don't care for you, but nevertheless, it will be majority 'for their sake'.

They wish to help their grandson/son financially - that should not change with any feelings/disagreements towards you or your parenting choices.

Just gives them something to bitch over - let them get on with it.

pantomimEDAMe · 22/12/2008 22:22

Are you in the UK? Only it would be unusual for healthy baby to be seeing a paediatrician here.

Wherever you are, you know full well that your ILs are barking. Even if you have taken their money, it doesn't give them the right to decide what you do with your body, or ds's!

Original poster
myboobsarepublicproperty · 22/12/2008 22:22

I think I may have to print this thread and keep it with me to stay strong. Sometimes MN is really lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
myboobsarepublicproperty · 22/12/2008 22:24

I am in the UK. I asked to be referred to a paedo to treat my ds's reflux as it has been quite bad. And he is a great paediatrician, but hey guess what my in-laws don't rate him. You have to laugh or you may...

OP posts:
pantomimEDAMe · 22/12/2008 22:27

oh, I see. Hope the reflux is getting better.

TheOldestCat · 22/12/2008 22:27

Do print it off! It will help give you perspective when the in-laws start being bonkers.

Honestly, try the smiling sweetly and telling them firmly 'thanks but butt out' approach. Don't even try to reason with them as clearly that doesn't work.

treedelivery · 22/12/2008 22:29

Get the most alternative, green, holistic book you can find and have it sent to them. Tee Hee!!

Thinking Gaskell's one about the birthing farm or something along those lines - someone will have a good suggestion. One that covers BF till 3 and BF your first and second child at the same time. [Which incidently I'm all for, I mean this as pure mischief as they'll probably faint, not as a slanderous attack on the enlightened parent!]

Tell them you have found a milk donor who is dairy free, and are switching ds to her milk as you take on board what they are saying. Then ask them how ds Great Granny fed them!!

Have fun with it!!

SalLikesEggnogUnderMistletoe · 22/12/2008 22:30

And anyway, even if you ignored all the other many, many benefits of bf-ing, formula is really expensive, especially the "special" allergy ones. I'd much rather spend money on my son if I had the choice!

You sound stronger than you may think you are btw, I think you'll be fine.

Original poster
myboobsarepublicproperty · 22/12/2008 22:32

Oh tree delivery that is hilarious, I love the idea of a dairy free wet nurse.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 22/12/2008 22:48

Am having a great time looking up lactivist type websites! So far I want a keyring saying 'Mummy's milk is better than milk from just any old cow'' and a badge saying 'member of breastfeeding mafia'

iwantitnow · 23/12/2008 07:02

I really sympathise - I get the same from my MIL its not what you need to hear when you are not getting much sleep. Well done for BFing for so long. My DD has allergy issues to, and she has never had a drop of formula until she self weaned at nearly 2. I have to admit to not leaving DD with in laws for long when she was a baby as I was convinced as soon as my back was turned a bottle would be shoved into her mouth.

I think my MIL and all the female members of her family who all bottle fed their babies from an early age see it as I'm telling them they did harm by bottle feeding - they take it very personally. They are trying to validate their own decisions through you.

My main piece of advice is never ask in laws for advice and never mention how well baby is eating/sleeping/reflux/doctors etc... pretend everything is fine. Give them even less information.

AbricotsSecs · 23/12/2008 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TwoCuteFestiveFairys · 23/12/2008 07:35

Keep up the good work Myboobsarepublicproperty your doing the best thing for your DS, you know this your DH know this!! its a crying shame that your ILs are so thick!! but like the others have said, you must not let them even think that they have any control over this situation whatsoever!! how you feed your baby is your choice!!

Oh and for FWIW My DD1 slept throught the night from BIRTH (well 11 til 6) and was full breast fed DD2 however........well thats a differant story {fhmm].

LeonieDecktheHalls · 23/12/2008 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thexmasstockingmonsterofdoom · 23/12/2008 08:07

what insulting controlling freaky people, ignore them at all costs.

StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2008 13:44

myboobs, i'd be tempted to tell them their advice is dangerous and just plain wrong...politely of course!

foxytocin · 23/12/2008 13:48

tell your in-laws to mind their own fucking business. in a nice way if you are so inclined.

StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2008 13:50

maybe

"Wow you can really tell you haven't breastfed in XX years, that advice is seriously wrong! Mince pie?"

gabygirl · 23/12/2008 14:04

If I was you I'd want to write a carefully considered and worded letter to the inlaws, explaining to them that you appreciate that they want what's best for you and your baby, but you feel they are not well-informed enough on the issue of infant health and nutrition to be advising you in this way.

Explain that you have thought long and hard about how you wish to feed your baby and have done a lot of research. Point out that their recommendations to you don't appear to be based on current up to date knowledge of the importance of breastfeeding to the long term health and development of children.

Say that as a parent it would be irresponsible of you to disregard your own knowledge about what's best for your baby simply to keep the peace with them, and that the pressure they are putting you under is affecting your mental health and driving a wedge between you, something you obviously don't want. Tell them that you appreciate that they are motivated by concern for you and their grandchild but that you now consider the subject closed, and will be inclined to see further attempts to reopen it as harrassment.

I think that's pretty assertive and clear: it is polite, it acknowledges their good intentions, but also that they are talking out of their arses. It also makes it clear that you don't wish to discuss the subject any further.

claireybaubles · 23/12/2008 14:06

My friend's 5 month old was hospitalised with bronchilitis recently and the paediatrician there told her off for her baby being still exclusively breastfed. He said that babies need solids earlier than 6 months and that breatmilk obviously wasn't that good as her baby has had bronchilitis twice in 5 months.

She started him on solids that week and he is now formula fed because she stopped thinking her breastmilk was any good

tiktok · 23/12/2008 14:13

Horrid example of poorly-informed paed, clairy

www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/23069034/ shows her breastfeeding has probably helped reduce the seriousness of his bronchiolitis.

What a shame she has stopped.

TinselBaublesMistletoe · 23/12/2008 14:30

clairey, I second TikTok. Tink has had bronchiolitis and croup on a regular basis from about 4 months old. The hospital have always said it was good she was BF, they've been able to treat her differently, not made her nil-by-mouth and said that she has done as well as she has (monthly visits and she's 29 months) because of BF. Her paediatrician says she is an allergicky child but because she's breastfed we don't know the full extent yet.

myboobsarepublicproperty I can't say anything that hasn't been said already. I think the broken record would help - "we're not having problems sleeping through/ whatever else" and "I don't really want to discuss our parenting choices" and "Our HCPs are all pleased with his progress and BFing so I'm not worried about anything"

ilovelovemydog · 23/12/2008 15:02

Myboobs - well, I owe the RBS (government?) some money, but my bank manager doesn't think it's any of his business how I feed my baby

I think you need to think of appropriate responses.. Shall I start:

  1. Know you are trying to help, but my Paediatrician thinks it's best. Shall I get my Paediatrician to call yours?
  1. Both DH and I have decided that b/fing is best. We're not going 50/50, or even ask the audience. That's our final answer [fmsmile]
mumof2222222222222222boys · 23/12/2008 15:13

i can't believe how rude and misinformed (other wise reasonable??) people can be.

Stand your ground My Boobs.

Gorionine · 23/12/2008 15:19

I do not understantd how helping you financially gives your ILs the right to tell you how to feed your child.

Maybe you could use this to your advantage and tell them you are Bfeeding to save some money because formula is by far the most expensive option.

Now, without kidding I do not think it is their decision at all, as other posters have said, stick to what YOU want to do. I like Ilovemydog's propositions, they are simple and straight to the point.I think you should not have to defend your choices as a mum. Let them know that you do appriciate their concern, you heard them and have decided that your reasons clearly outvalue theirs.