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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

got talked out of feeding a 4 week old who was asking for food - what happened to my confidence?

38 replies

unclefluffy · 15/12/2008 16:28

One of the other mums in my ante-natal group talked me out of feeding my 4 week old when she asked for food again less than an hour after her last feed. At home I would just have fed her. She wasn't that hungry as she accepted a pinkie to suck and went another hour and a half before asking again, but I still feel bad about my lack of confidence.

The other mum thought demand feeding should include efforts to stretch the times between feeds. I don't disagree entirely - for example, I know DD asks for food when she has wind and would really benefit more from a bit of jiggling - but I don't want to withold food from a hungry baby. Does anyone have any confidence-boosting facts about demand feeding? Or has anyone successfully followed the other mum's path? I'm sure this will come up again.

I can't work out what has happened to my usual assertive self. On the advice of the same mum I bought dummies I didn't really think DD needed (I'm not against dummies - just unnecessary baby paraphenalia!). I was relieved when she just spat them out!

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/12/2008 16:29

I always though demand feeding was feeding on demand and babies do cluster feed so not unusual for them to feed so soon after a forst feed, just say that this is normal, she is only 4 weeks.

shitehawk · 15/12/2008 16:31

You should have told her to keep her sticky beak out, and fed your baby. Trying to stretch out the time between feeds for a four week old is a waste of time; their tummies are the size of walnuts and can't hold that much milk.

You don't need confidence-boosting facts about demand feeding. It feels right for you, it feels right for your baby (who 28 days ago was still inside you getting everything he needed on tap), and anyone else can take a running jump.

Just say "She's hungry" and feed her. The other mother can't exactly force you not to, can she!

Lulumama · 15/12/2008 16:34

think you need to respond to your baby's cues and offer the breast if she wants it.

feeding is not just about tummy filling, but comfort and nurturing too

demand feeding, or feeding responsively as Tiktok calls it, means responding to your baby's need , hour by hour , day by day

4 weeks is way to young to try stretcvhng time between feeds, the baby has a tiny tummy that needs filling v often

Original poster
unclefluffy · 15/12/2008 16:41

The other mum has an even tinier baby than mine. Shitehawk, you're right. And anything I say (other than "she wants a feed") is going to be implicit criticism of the other mum. Lulumama - that's why I feel bad. I don't care whether or not she hungry - I just want to feed her when she asks, whether it's for food or comfort.

OP posts:
PortAndStilton · 15/12/2008 16:55

You can smile and say "I find that just feeding her works best with minifluffy. By the way, I've been meaning to ask you where you found that lovely changing bag / top / necklace / blanket / onesie / other..."

Lulumama · 15/12/2008 17:02

your friend might be following a parnting book or routine wbhich does not work for everyone

agree that distracting and changing the subject is a good tactic

or just say, i love feeding her and it makes us both happy?

who can argue with that!

Flibbertyjibbet · 15/12/2008 17:22

Is the other mum formula feeding? I ask because all the people I know who think that the amount of time 'between feeds' is important, are ones who have formula fed and do the amounts and times as per instructions on the tin.
Its so hard when its your first, and you think everyone thinks you are doing things wrong (thats how I felt anyway!).
You are doing really well bfing on demand and knowing when your baby needs feed, has wind etc, but there is nothing to be gained by trying to stretch the time between feeds. Unless of course you actually want an over-hungry cranky baby and reduced milk supply (at this stage delaying feeds will interfere with milk supply when you are still building it up).
What I learned, when dealing with ANYONE who made ANY COMMENTS at all about my parenting,- treat them normally and socially, but when the time comes for you to do the thing that they are critisising you for, just smile sweetly at them and get on with doing it.
If she says you need to try and get more space between feeds, just look at her innocently and say 'oh do you think so' then look away or talk to dd or someone else before this other mum has a chance to respond.
Don't even get involved in a discussion with her. Don't attempt to justify your parenting. Just have the confidence in yourself to do whats right for your baby, and let this other mum get on with doing what she thinks is right for her baby.

sticksantaupyourchimney · 15/12/2008 17:29

My mum used to tell me to make DS wait when he was a baby, I used to ignore her. (I was bottle-feeding him, but gave him a bottle every time he asked.)
Just smile nicely at people like this, say 'Whatever' and do what you want to do. Most people will leave you alone after that. If they don't then they are overstepping the mark. If they keep on interfering or are nuts enough to try and order you to stop or get in your way, keep the sweet smile on your face and say sweetly 'Fuck off out of it now, will you?' and carry on doing what you are doing.

Marne · 15/12/2008 17:41

I always fed on demand, alot of people used to say i was doing wrong , i hate seeing baby's crying when they are hungry only for the mother to ignore them . Its your choice how and when you feed your baby.

notnowbernard · 15/12/2008 17:43

My only tip:

Feed your baby the way you want to - whenever and wherever you want to

jadey24 · 15/12/2008 18:54

I have always fed my dd on demand. I couldnt care less what people thought to that. She 5 months old and i still feed on demand. She go every 3 hours for a feed and cries on the dot. No way on earth would she last 4 hours and certainly at 4 weeks old i think demand feeding is important. If you wanna feed ur baby feed them . Your baby no one elses its upto you. You do what you feel is right.

IAteTheWholeSelectionBox · 15/12/2008 19:00

DS is 16 months and demand fed. Wish I'd been there

You're doing the right thing and you know it. Just say something about how she always cluster feeds at such and such time, or that she's having a growth spurt. Or of course you could just tell her to mind her own, thanks very much

harpsiheraldangelssing · 15/12/2008 19:08

OK it is a long time since I wheeled this out, but please feel free to borrow this expression:

AnybodyHoHoHomeMcFly · 15/12/2008 19:42

Plus even if it was "only" a comfort suckle (as the pinkie suggests) what's wrong with that? She's only 4 weeks old and she loves boob.
I know what you mean about your confidence being knocked tho, I got all embarrassed when my dentist was shocked that I was "still" bfing at 17mo and she's a blinkin healthcare professional.

elportodelgato · 15/12/2008 19:43

DD is 6 months and I am still feeding on demand - it is the ONLY thing that works for both of us. B*llocks to anyone who dares tell you what to do with your own baby

kathryn2804 · 15/12/2008 19:48

She probably wanted pudding! I quite often want pudding about an hour after my main course, esp. if I've done a big burp and there's a bit of room in my tummy for some more food!

jadey24 · 15/12/2008 21:08

lol

Tryharder · 15/12/2008 21:42

I always fed/am still feeding DS2 at the very first sign of wanting to suckle - that sort of neck stretchy/head bobbing thing they do. My mum never understood it - she used to ask why I was feeding him when he wasnt screaming (bloody 70s parenting techniques again, I'm afraid) I've also been asked by well meaning friends about why I havent got DS2 into a better feeding routine. I just mutter something inane in answer and continue to do things my way.

There's such an obsession in this country about making babies wait for food - I rarely go for 4 hours without at least a cup of tea so why should I expect my baby to???

moondog · 15/12/2008 21:46

Why the fuck do peopel have this obsession with controlling tiny little babies?
It makes me want to weep with rage.
So bloody weird and creepy.

Umlellala · 15/12/2008 21:57

yup, harpsi's expression a good one. Or I find a relatively confident 'oh, he's probably wanting some comfort' while shoving him on the boob and smiling, seems to confuse people/health professionals.

tenacityflux · 15/12/2008 22:25

My dd has loads of little feeds during the day and from midnight, but will go from 7 till then no problem, of course you are right to follow what your baby wants, perhaps next time turn it round on her and say something like 'Oh, doesn't your baby cluster feed?' and maybe make her think about what she's doing? I find if you give something a name, it gives it more validity for interfering inquisitive types.

IAteTheWholeSelectionBox · 15/12/2008 22:29

When DS was tiny, if he was crying in a shop or a queue or something, there were always a million little old ladies chorusing "Is he hungry, dear?". Yet actually try and feed the wee thing and folk suddenly start talking about "giving in" and "stretching out the time". Madness.

unclefluffy, things get easier as time passes and your hormones chill out and you get back to your normal self, I promise. Then let them try bashing your confidence

neenztwinz · 15/12/2008 22:29

I always fed on demand... whenever the twins got a little cranky out came the boob... I loved it... the twins loved it. If I didn't feed them they'd cry - would your friend have rather your LO cry?

My theory: the more milk I could get into them in the day the more likely they were to sleep at night - and it worked! They slept through at 11 and 13 weeks.

Feeding a baby on demand helps build up your supply... stretching the time between feeds diminishes your supply. Your friend is wrong!

jadey24 · 15/12/2008 23:45

Agree with neen. I think demand feeding has been the best thing ive done. Yeh ok she feeds a lot during day but the reward comes at night when she sleeps 10 hours uninteruppted and she slept though at 7 weeks old.

I decided to follow dds lead and she got her own routine which i follow now & it works for the both of us. She feeds every 3 hours, thats her. My hv said some babies need to be fed more often coz their tummies smaller and cant take a big bottle in one go ( which is my dd to a tee)

I could no way on earth lisen to my dd cry coz she was hungry and then make her wait and in the end her get stressed and me too. What good is that to mum and baby?

I have people boast to me that they have thier baby on a 4 hour routine and that they did this when they were a few weeks old. I just couldnt imagine that be done so young.

Coldtits · 15/12/2008 23:52

She wouldn't have settled for 90 minutes if she had been hungry, she'd have kept asking. I did make my second child wait for feeds, because I had to. My first was born with a huge and easily satisfied appetite.

Do what you want to do. Bear in mind that asking to be fed may merely be asking for something to suck. Is she bottlefed? If she is, she might need to either learn to suck her fingers or have a dummy, because they can't comfort suck on a bottle the way they can on a nipple.

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