Having medically necessary termination, what about bf my 11 month old..?

[hopefullypregnant]

I am struggling somewhat... following a nuchal scan and further tests it turns out my 12 week foetus has abnormalities that are incompatible with life and I am seeing 2nd consultant tomorrow for termination. Aim was to get first round of tablets for medical termination tomorrow. However I am now worried about my 11 month old who is still bf... I presume the consultant will tell me to wean her. I was also today offered a surgical termination but advised it is more risky at this stage than a medical one (I'm 12 weeks and 4 days). I will obviously discuss all this tomorrow with consultant, but does anyone have any experience of this?

Please don't judge me for the termination: I feel I have no choice, as the baby would not survive to term - I can't face waiting for months for the inevitable to happen. I know that makes me sound harsh but I feel I need to get through and past this somehow.

Thanks for your support!

You're welcome, I don't know about strength, I think you just have to get on with it, I often feel I'm falling apart. I think SANDS will be useful to you, both the forum and the local branch when you are ready.

Do you know that a cremation at this stage won't give you anything back of the baby? I know that's OK for some people and others want something they can keep hold of. We have a plot in a children's garden. The funeral directors donated everything, I think we just had to pay for the limo.

I think after all three pregnancies my loss was the same, that was 8, 20 and 31 weeks.

I didn't know that Tinkerbellesmum.. they failed to say that. They said the hospital would transport the baby; we would arrange flowers. I will ask the chaplain more about this. Our hospital has a garden of remembrance for lost babies and we have been offered a plaque there. Noone can go in without a passkey that is only given to bereaved parents. I think this will be a good place to go to remember.

Thanks for the info on the bleeding. My lochia, I can hardly remember to be honest - it lasted ages, I do remember that, but it wasn't that heavy. This has just been v heavy indeed today.

Dancing, I veer between coping and collapsing to be honest. But I do appreciate advice and support.

When you get ashes from an adult, it's only the thigh bones left because they are the densest part of the body and take a lot longer to burn. With a baby the bones aren't as dense (Lily-Hope's bones were soft like cartilage) and it is all consumed, you would be given something back, but it wouldn't be from the baby.

I'm not posting this to upset you, not everyone realises it or feels the same about it.

The garden sounds lovely.

I havent got to the stage where I can contemplate ashes, I think. I realize I am coping - remarkably well on some levels - by repressing a lot, which probably isn't so healthy. I need to give myself time to grieve too. DH feels the same. I guess it is just going to be the way I cope.

Dancing, hope your scan went well. xx

You're not repressing, it's just too early and too much to do. It will suddenly hit you when everything goes quiet and then you will deal with it when you know the time is a little safer to.

I found the only way to cope was to repress it most of the time - if you try and think about all the sadness all the time, your brain would fold under the strain!

I could only let little bits out at a time, when I felt safe and somewhere private. But gradually, it all came out (mostly) and got dealt with - just never all at once. That would have just been too much in one go, iyswim.

I still have moments of sadness now, but they're much more bearable and more wistful than heartbreakingly awful.

Hope you're doing ok today

I think you're both right about repressing. I find myself exhausted today, physically and emotionally. I am slumped with glass of red wine, the one silver lining in the horror that has happened, and I am too tired to think.

Dancing, did you have that scan??

Not yet - I got the dates wrong and missed them (they were on Monday) so they've been rescheduled for tomorrow.

In my defence, yer honour, the midwife wrote 'Monday 29th October' on my notes, and I only remembered the 29th bit. Of course Monday was actually the 27th.

Shall report back tomorrow though!

Red wine sounds good, I'd like some of that

It is exhausting, isn't it? I found I got to a point where I was just too tired to grieve, all I could do was lie down and stare at some rubbish telly.

Hopefully - (((((((HUGS))))))) So so sorry to hear what you've been through. I don't know quite what to say but I hope your family are looking after you and Dd i keeping you smiling now and again. Always here when you want to chat. I would say more but don't want to give anything away. Thinking of you x

Hi Dal

You can say what you like here - my RL stalker only checks the other page and generally my other name. Thank you for finding me here.

I am okay. Strangely, this isnt the way I thought it would be - I thought I would be a wreck, unable to speak/eat/think (sort of like the first day after breaking up with someone serious...) and instead I can do all of those things, but the pain just gets more intense and deeper somehow. I guess eventually it gets easier...

Thanks for the wellwishes. I am happy to talk about this here and on the Miscarriage thread, just not with my other name where my RL stalker is reading me. Thanks xx

Hopefullypregnant, I don't have any experience of what you are going through, but I couldn't read this and not link to care confidential. They are a charity who offer a freephone service and face-to-face counselling for women in a variety of circumstances. They are one of only a handful of charities who offer post-abortion counselling. I know that they would be happy to talk to you at any/every stage of what you are going through. Their phone number is 0800 028 2228. They also have an online adviser service if you would prefer.

I forgot to say that Care Confidential offer counselling to women for miscarriage, baby loss and other circumstances so they aren't just there for women wondering about social terminations.

Hopefully - I keep thinking about what you've been through and feel so sad for you . If there's anything I can do just say. I'm sure dh is supporting you, don't feel like you have to fell a certain way about it all, I expect everyone's emotional response to such a loss is individual. I can't even begin to imagine how i'd feel.

I didn't find out much about the stalking situation, why would someone do that? Do you know who it is?

I can only hope you feel better as time passes, look after yourself. Remember, we are all here for you and nothing is too much, you just need to ask

that was supposed to say 'feel a certain way'

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this.

I had a miscarriage (at 13 weeks and a few days) of a 12 wk 5 day foetus, and was offered both medical and surgical, with the proviso that the medical may well be very painful given the size of the foetus by that stage (I am assuming yours is a normal sort of size despite the abnormalities). In the end I chose the surgical for a variety of reasons mostly to do with my need for anti D after the process and the uncertainty of when it would happen if left to mother nature. Honestly I would do the same again- it was quick and painless for me (vs a miscarriage that may have been protracted ad painful).

I know that hormonally it is supposed to be better to power down gradually but in your situation it may be better not to have to wean your baby when you do not feel ready yet. They may however advise you to pump and throw away your milk for a few days rather than wean her.

Sorry- just noticed the date of your OP. I hope it all worked out for the best for you.

I've been following this.. The comment from your DH's colleague about varying opinions about abortion is horrible... It's such a personal decision. My sister had mosiac of Edwards and I askedmy mom what would she have done had she had genetic testing, and she said that she likes to have all the information and make decisions from an informed stance.

Dal, my 'stalker' isnt a stalker, but a colleague who has made it pretty clear that she reads my postnatal thread. I dont want this sort of thing gossiped around work, hence my silence on the other thread.

Swalisman, thank you for your suggestion and I think I will take it up.

Duchesse, sorry you had to go through this too. I had medical management in the end because it sounded less risky and actually it wasnt very painful and I got to see my baby, which in a strange way helped. The baby looked perfect. Whenever I think about that perfect body, I cry. But I know I need to cry, so that's okay.

ILoveMyDog, what does mosaic of Edwards mean? is it similar to typical Edwards syndrome?

One step at a time, and I am coping...

Hopefully - Oh, I see, how nosey . You'd think she would have better things to do with her time than 'stalking' your postnatal thread.

Have you been able to continue with the breastfeeding?

I feel for you having to wait for the results of the tests. I hope they put your mind at rest when you get them.

Thinking of you x

Thanks Dal. Happily happily bf hasnt been affected at all... I never imagined bf for a year! Now I can't imagine stopping....

At least thats one good thing then, that you don't have to deal with weaning R off as well as everything else. You've done so well to make it to a year! x

Hi I know this thread is a bit old but my 12w scan showed the baby to have a cystic hygroma of 8mm which is really large for that age. I have had a cvs and am waiting for the results. Further scans showed nothing else wrong at this point but i have accepted the long term outlook is very poor and a termination is the best way forward in a bleak situation. I already have a 2 yr old DD. I am a bit scared about the termination process. I don't want a surgical as I hate being put to sleep. I don't want to bring up bad memories but I have been reading hopefullypregnant's experience and wonder how much termination hurt? It is good to know I am not alone at any rate. xx

Hi Sweetcheek
I am so sorry you are going through this
You are much better off starting a new thread, as people will see the length of it in active conversations and assume the OP has had advice etc and the thread has become much more specific. This thread will most likely have dropped off the bottom of the page of the OP and others. If you start a new thread you'll get lots of support and advice.
If you're not sure how to do that, let me know.

Thanks will do. x