Considering BF a friend's baby to help her keep going!

[ChairmumMiaow]

A friend (who I posted about here a few weeks ago) is still struggling to BF. She carried on expressing and cup feeding, switched to bottles and is now struggling to express. She still keeps trying her DS with the breast, but is getting quite upset about it and is foreseeing giving up.

When her sister visited her at the weekend, they were wishing for someone else to try her DS at the breast just to see if he would give it a go. I had previously thought it would be wierd, but recent contact with lots of teeny babies has made me comfortable with the idea of feeding someone else's baby. (and the timing of this is quite funny with the current discussions going on!)

I have no idea if offering her DS a feed would actually help, but I think if he would take a feed from me (who would be relaxed etc and could get let-down going using my own DS!) it might give her the confidence to try a little harder (I think she's very scared of failing and is resisting babymoon/bath ideas)

Am I being crazy or could I actually help?

I am coming back to this to stress how misguided, but well-meant, I believe this approach is. I actually think it's rather overpowering .. and even if she has talked about it I would assume there was a desperation there in the discussion.

It just sits uncomfortably with me that her sister and her friend would be discussing taking this power away from her rather than reassuring her the midwife was talkign crap .. she has a 3 week old, she is very very fragile

get a good BF counsellor round to her to discuss with her and leave the room

unfortunately a breastefefding counsellor will not come out unless the mother has asked her to.

perhaps she would go to a babycafe with you if there is one locally?

oh, and visit kellymom and print off tons of info on getting a breast refuser back to the breast.

I know you mean well, but I'd have ripped the tits off any woman who successfully BF'd my DD where I was failing. I personally can't imagine anything more heartbreaking for a new mum than seeing her LO happily sucking away on another woman's breast but not on mine. I totally get that you are in earnest and best intentions etc, but seriously, it took me having another LO and finally successfully BF'ing with lots of MN help and advice and a million and one sessions with a BF counsellor to actually get over the crippling guilt, and I'd go so far as to say Grief, over not having that with my DD1.
I know this is very much in the news and topical right now, and I'm sure there are many situations in which it is a good thing/helpful, but I can HONESTLY say, even if it ultimately helped me get BF'ing successfully, I'd always look back and think it wasn't because of me, it was because of this other woman and her bloody perfect boobs and bloody perfect mothers instinct for BFing.

'ripped the tits off' .. ... yes I can see that

yes please help her to do a babymoon [hate the term too] I had severe problems breastfeeding thistime around, and if anyone had helped me to do this it would have been wonderful. my dd is just starting to breastfeed properly now at 4 months, have been expressing and bottlefeeding expressed milk mostly until now, but she has suddenly started to want the breast, so it can happen.

Hi all,

Thanks for all the messages. This is what mumsnet is great for - really making you think (and honestly, if I hadn't been prepared for the "no" replies I wouldn't have posted)

How about this for an action plan:

1. Get her to hire a double breast pump instead of a hand pump to make that side of things easier for her so she can hopefully panic a bit less
2. make sure she's expressing at night too to preserve her supply 3)Send her the BF hepline numbers again 4)look up a local BF group for her 5)start another thread on here to collect stories about babies that miraculously starting breastfeeding after a number of weeks to keep her encouraged. (please please post if only messages of encouragement if you see this)

I know she's visiting her family around here soon, so do you think it would help if I encouraged her to come to the BF support group I go to if she's worried about going on her own?

Thanks for all your messages - I really hope we can help her get this working.

Chairmum, you are a great friend and I think your plan sounds excellent. I didn't realise your friend has been hand-pumping, she's done so well to get this far. The hire pumps are great but if she does decide to go long term with it, i can recommend the Ameda Lactaline - it's a great double pump and really portable. As you say the night pumping is essential although a total pain in the arse, it is really essential to establish a good supply. I think she would find that double pumping really helps, it doubled my supply almost immediately. Best Wishes to you and your friend.

i know they'r generally frowned on but has she tried nipple shields? if it's the shapw of the breast that's a problem?
personally i think a bfc is the best bet by a long awy

HI I just want to say what a lovely friend you are she is lucky to have someone so caring and supportive. Could I also offer another suggestion perhaps she would like to try a Medela Supplemental Feeder, this way she could supplement with expressed breast milk (her own or donated from sister/friend) or formula is she has to, but baby wil still be suckling at the breast and thus stimulating flow and milk production. If touble latching she could try 'lathching' baby onto her finger first with or without the supplemental feeder and then move onto the breast. The Dr Jack Newman DVD is fantastic if you could get hold of a copy for her, alternatively there are tips and vids on his site www.jacknewman.com. HE is also fantastic at replying to emails and he also has some good information on increasing a mothers milk suppy. There was also a fantastic topic on here that had loads of info on breastfeeding all gathered together in one place, so could search for that.
xxCaroline

that sounds a great plan chairmum. do you think she is daunted or worried about contacting a bfc? i was a bit scared about ringing, there's some advice about how best to do it on hunker's blog.

yes another vote for Ameda Lactaline pump - my milk would have dried up in the first month or two if i hadn't had it. Wonderful.

Mothers do get scared about phoning a helpline - all sorts of reasons, including being worried about crying, being wary in case they feel judged, scared that the bfc will say 'there is no hope for you at all'.

But if she wants good help, it has to be an option. The bfc will not normally call her, even if you ask on her behalf...at least that's the case with NCT. The bfc cannot know if her involvement will be welcomed unless the mother herself calls - this protects the mother and the counsellor. I have sometimes taken calls from a partner, friend of grandmother when the mother is in the room, but I will ask, quite strongly, to speak to the mother direct. If the mother refuses to speak to me (or the caller refuses to ask the mother) then I cannot continue with the call beyond giving basic information.

It does make me wonder to what extent this woman wants all this help.