Failure to breastfeed

[Antonia3]

Hi..I am still so sad 9 mths after birth of my dd. B4 birth, always thought wld bf for at least 9-12 mths. My dd was 5 weeks prem (v healthy tho) but the hospital monitored her blood sugars for 72 hrs & gave her formula from a cup when they dropped. After that, she was just not interested in my milk. Expressed for 3 wks, then milk dried up (was very very down & stressed). Have so many regrets now - never called bf counsellor (tho saw hospital one & midwives lots).
My dd is wonderful, but I can't get over this. I feel like a failure and find it very hard to be in company of any friends who are bf - don't feel like a proper mother or woman. also worried will go wrong with any future baby. anyone been in this situation? i can't find anyone to talk to about it.

Antonia3,
Very sad to hear of your experiance, but I can't help feeling that perhaps you were not given the support initially to get your DD feeding.
My DS twins were prem. and were tube fed with formula until my milk started,because of this they were not keen to feed, as they were just laying there being fed, they did not need to put any effort in.
I expressed and this was used to feed them, but time went on and they still would not feed. Eventually, the sister in special baby care, said they would let them go hungry, and not tube feed, to try to force the situation, and it worked. They were not very keen at first but soon started feeding on demand.
Was this tactic not tried with your DD ??

Hi Antonia. I know a little bit how you feel, as I also had a baby in SCBU and didn't manage to get the breastfeeding going. I felt a failure too, as I'd really wanted to succeed at it. My MIL who is a bf fanatic didn't help with her pointed comments.

There was another thread on this recently too, so I do think it's a pretty common feeling. The important thing is we have lovely daughters who have thrived on formula milk and our love and this makes us just as proper mothers and women as those who breastfeed. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

I've now had a second dd, who I did manage to breastfeed - she wasn't in SCBU, I really think this makes such a difference. Plus, I found that expressing really early on messed up my supply with dd1. So it is possible the second time around! HTH.

wow, amazing to find other mums w similar exper-thanks. my dd was never in SCBU - was 6.7lbs @35wks...really wish I had been tougher & let her get hungry enough but she really intimidated me at first - sooooo sooo loud and angry (still is).
Caroline5, were you v apprehensive when it came to trying it again with 2nd?

Antonia3 - My SIL could not bf her ds1, but was totally successful with ds2. Every baby is different. Of course you are a proper mother and woman, you love your child, and want the best for her. You had difficulties to overcome which made bf impossible, that is all. Try not to let this get you down. There are positives with bottle feeding, like being able to go out on your own, and leave a baby with anyone, even your dh! Also, being able to feed your baby without having to get your boobs out in a public place!

thanks, Chinchilla...i hope i am succesful nxt time round. thing is, i think i have built it up in my head as being something i just can't do. wonder if i should get a bf counsellor round straight away this time. mind you, the hospital counsellor didn't help the sit last time.

p.s. how come stats say large % of population DON't bf, when every single mother I know does?

Antonia, I was a bit apprehensive, but the circumstances were so much better. Dd2 was a healthy full-term baby, I was more confident at being a mother, I had full-time contact with my baby at the side of my bed and more help from midwives. It all went fairly smoothly apart from some cracked nipples (aagh!)

thanks for that - yes, at least I'll have more exp nxt time. I suppose failure to bf is something that always hurts you but you learn to live with...? I'll be so happy most of the time and then there's a sudden pain iin my heart when I think about it.

Oh Antonia3 ... I know that pain in my heart too ... and my DS is 3!
We started off very successfully and then at 4 weeks DS had to have an operation and I couldn't feed him for 48 hours ... I tried expressing but wasn't very good at it and so when I was able to start feeding again we had problems. A week later I had let my mother and my DH to persuade me to go to bottles and for a couple of weeks I tried mix feeding ... then DS had another 5 days in hospital (meningitis scare) and I lost the plot completely and gave up.
I am sure my PND and feelings of not bonding were partly due to this ... I felt that I was surplus to requirements and that anyone could feed and look after this baby ... I wasn't a REAL mother (I couldn't even give birth to him - emergency c-s ... so I had a double whammy there!) ... he didn't care who did it as long as he was fed etc ...
Even now, every so often, I have a little wobbly about it ... especially because DS took note of his little cousin having milk from her mummy's 'boobies' and he asked if he had milk from me when he was a baby ... it brought it all back to me.
One of the things that affected me alot when I had my miscarriage last year was this ... because of what happened with DS and b/f as soon as I got pregnant I was envisioning 12 months of blissfull breastfeeding ... so when I lost the baby I felt robbed - of that ... am I making sense?
What you need to know Antonia, is that you may not feel like a real mother ... but think of this ... who looks after your bub most? who does she smile at most? who does she want when she is upset or poorly? who does she reach for for a cuddle? YOU! It took me a long time to get this ... there are times when only mummy will do for DS (erm ... at the moment that is all the time!) and I love it ... I hear 'I want my MUMMY!' and no matter how tired I am, how much sleep I need, how busy I am, etc etc my heart just sings ... 'That's me ... I am his mummy ...' and I go running ...
Sad ... no wonder he is such a mummy's boy ...
Oh ... and another thing ... my mum had to give up b/f me at 3 weeks ... and we are really close ... even now, at the age of 32, if I feel poorly I WANT MY MUMMY!
I am sorry that this is such a long post ... but I just wanted to say that you a 100 percent mother and woman! Your baby knows that and try not to let this get in the way of enjoying your baby (I did)... You are not alone in this feeling but I promise you that you will feel better ...

Antonia3, I also didn't manage to feed my first baby for more than 3 weeks, so I think I can guess a little of how you feel. But I went on to bf my next three children, the last one for about 2 yrs. I've quoted elsewhere on Mumsnet something that really helped me come to terms with the situtaion, and that is "You did the best you could, with the knowledge you had and the circumstances you were in at the time." It's never too late to call a breastfeeding counsellor to talk about what happened. You can call an NCT counsellor on 0870 444 8708 and tell them about your experience, which might help lay some demons to rest.

If there's a next time for you, then you will have all the knowledge you have gained from this experience and you also have time to read about bfeeding (my 'bible' when feeding was 'Breast is Best' by Dr Andrew Stanway). You will find there are lots of useful books, including these . Also, you can get to know what help is available in your area such as counsellors, breastfeeding mums groups etc. HTH.

Antonia, it is so understadable to feel wretched about your missed out breastfeeding - do call the breastfeeding line number given by Suedonim. Just say you want to talk about what happened last time, and how not too have it happen again, and you will find a listener and an 'explainer'.

In almost every case like this, it turns out the right info and support wasn't given - not your 'fault' at all. For instance, the best way to express to ensure a good milk supply is at least every three hours including at least once at night.

Many mothers are not told this - I am a bfc and mothers tell me they did not start expressing soon, or they only did it three or four times a day, or they had a crappy pump that hardly worked and so on.

Giving formula in the first days is hardly ever medically necessary and can interfere with bf - colostrum or ebm is an option instead of formula if the baby's sugar levels show milk is needed and the baby can't bf direct.

You did the best you possibly could, and you did as you were told by people whose job it was to help....through it all you loved your dd and will do so for ever. That's being a real mum, not a failure

Plus, I think that the MWs in hospital can sometimes make you feel that you are being a problem if you keep asking for assistance (I know that mine did!)

You say that everyone you know is breastfeeding, but most people I know did not. I have one friend who gave up after two days, saying that her dd kept sleeping, and was not getting enough...which I couldn't understand, because if she was getting enough formula whilst awake, then why wouldn't she get enough br. milk? I personally think that bf'ing was not for her, but would have respected her for that if she had just said so! You don't need an excuse to stop bf'ing - it is your body. Another friend gave up because of mastitis and cracked nipples, which were meaning that her ds was not feeding adequately. I fed well eventually, but it took about a month before I felt happy that I was doing it right, and even then it was only because he was putting on weight. I still worried.

I'm sorry that you are so sad. I can understand, because I wanted to bf, and I did it for 14 months. Ds stopped of his own accord, and I felt a bit sad when he did, so I can empathise with you. HOWEVER, as I said before, of course you are a real woman and mother. It is not the method of feeding a child that makes you this, it is the love you feel for your child. You sound a wonderful mother, and try to let yourself believe this.

thank you all - it's a real comfort to read your words. Ghosty, my mum also had to stop feeding me early on and we are so very close. in fact, my mum says she turned all her upset at not bf-ing me into loving me more...aw.
I wanted to ask, do you think that many bf mothers are quite smug about it, or is that me being paranoid and hateful...? I definitely think not being able to bf added to feeling sad for so long - and not bonding. felt EXACTLY like you, Ghosty - "anyone in the world could look after her - I am no-one special." as time's gone on, that feeling has changed, but I truly think I'll cry about it forever.

Antonia - Maybe some mums come across as smug because you blame yourself for not doing it? What is there to feel smug about? I don't feel better than you for being able to bf my ds, I just feel grateful. I would have felt exactly like you if it had not worked out as it did. As I said, the first month was EXTREMELY worrying for me, and I was not really relaxed about it until he was about 6 months old. I did not feed him in town until then, I would always come home rather than going to a mother & baby room!

There are pros and cons about both bf and bottle feeding. I would suggest that you try to accept what happened to you, and try to use it as an experience. If you accuse bf mums of being smug, when they are really only happy in their luck, then you may alienate them as potential friends, or fellow posters on here. I have said twice that you sound like a great mum, and that it sounds like you love your dd to bits. That is enough. I know that you feel that it isn't, but this is a problem in your eyes only. Don't look at other people with jealousy and bitterness, they might be the ones who help you through a successful experience next time.

I really wish you all the best, and will be here for you if you need me again. Perhaps you should call a bf counsellor, to try to work through your pain, as it seems really deep seated, and I would tentatively suggest that it may be about more than just bf?

Chinchilla, I do totally agree with you - it's jealousy making me feel like that. Awful, I know, and I don't think I really see bfeeding mums as smug. It's just I often feel left out when meeting up with other mums - esp in the early days. Really want to move on but it's hard. Think I will spk to NCT bf counsellor. Apologies if I've offended any bf mums - I didn't mean to sound rude.

It's OK! I understand how you are feeling. I AM proud that I did manage to bf, and maybe it does come across as smug to others who feel sad that they couldn't. However, I do think that you need to talk to someone who is trained in these matters. All of us on here can tell you till we are blue in the face that you are special, but you will not believe it until you want to. Thinking of you.

Chinchilla, if I HAD bf, I know for sure I would have been very very proud of myself! That's why I think it hurts - was very importaant to me pre-baby and I never (naively!) even considered it'd be a prob. All I worried about was giving birth!
Maybe next time....

I also don't agree that b/f mums are smug - at least not IME. In fact, after six months, you tend to get quite defensive because so many people disapprove - yes, truly. A lot feel shy and embarrassed and get remarks like, 'When are you going to give up?". I think most women who b/f without pain or problems feel very, very lucky. Other than that I just felt it was good for my baby, convenient and easy - the easy way out, if you like! I certainly didn't feel like a wonder mother. Sometimes I did feel that the only things I got right were breastfeeding and reading books to my baby. I also used formula from a very young age. I think it's best to try, but if it all goes wrong, well, that's life. Nobody can do more than try. Don't let this come between you and other mothers who could be such a source of support and friendship. They won't be giving it another thought, I bet. Also, think about whether you may have a form of PND. I obviously don't know your circumstances, but I remember one mumsnet poster who was overwhelmingly sad about not b/feeding who later realised she had PND.

You are so right, Aloha. I have such lovely friends. Just find it hard to discuss it with them - don't want to go on about it (except on here, natch!!
How would I know if it is PND? Am OK except when I think about it. But it doesn't really affect my life - just makes me sad.

i felt this way and i was only b/f for 2w, one big failure, i also felt that didn't care eongh for my baby by not carrring on. I was'nt getting any sleep know one could help me by taking over, he use to want to feed every hour both night and day. I also had another ds to take care of.

In the end i ended up with PND. i could'nt look at anyone b/f, even the word b/f use to make me cry unbeliverablly, what made it worse was the fact my milk did'nt total dry up for 4m, i did'nt want anything to do with my baby for over 2m i had to live with my in laws for 6w just to get myself together.

6m on i'm fime in fact i could'nt be happier with my ds's they are truely mumies boys, but saying that i am no tablets for my PND. i just wish i had never ever started b/f i see that time as a really sad part of my life.

It amasing and sad that so many of us feel this way. I bf my ds for 2 weeks solely and then due to pressure from dh and hv gave him bottles at night. Then it was down hill from there.

It got to the stage like everyone else I got really depressed about not bf, could not see anyone else doing it, and had to switch off the telly when they spoke of it.

That was 3 years ago and I am due in 6 wks with #2. I will try bf again, but am determined not to feel a failure if I stop, we all try to do the best for our children and the high handed brigade who say "oh not bfing?" should be shot!

I'm no expert on PND, just aware from friends and this site that a lot of women don't realise they had it until afterwards. I just think if a thought is intrusive and distressing, you feel your life can't move on or you feel persistently sad and/or tearful, then it might be worth considering and talking to your GP. I was lucky enough to b/f but then I had no problems really after the first few days and certainly no pain. I'm no martyr and if it had been agony or my son had been ill or I had the problem I've seen on this site (cracked and bleeding nipples strikes me as just one) I doubt I would have carried on.

Hi Antonia
If it helps at all your feelings will get better, I had twins and intended to bf, although they didn't need special care they had low blood sugar and were started on the bottle. After a couple of days I tried to bf, but I just couldn't manage it all, and all I remember is pleading with every MW to help me. They would pull, poke, grab and try and twist my boobs into their poor mouths as they just screamed for their nice easy drinking bottles. I was told I was the wrong shape, too flat, wrong shaped nips, too uptight ..blah..blah. In the end I gave up but the slighest mention of BF would make me burst into tears for about 1 year. Looking back its quite funny when one minute a Dr who was doing a routine check with a switched on all-together mother said "and did you BF". To then look up to a sobbing, mummy saying I really, really tried, I promise you I did". I had felt as though I was damaging them and really letting them down by giving them formula. Of course none of this is true. I felt better by switching to milk which contained the fatty acids (like breastmilk). Please believe me I felt so bad but now they are 21 months old I never give it a moments - too many exiting things to be doing..sticking, painting, talking, dancing.......

Dear Antonia3
If you had been sucessful in breast feeding your dd, you would also have experienced the disadvantages which breast feeding brings with it. Maybe it would help to compile a list of negative things about breast feeding and positive things about not breast feeding - perhaps this could give you a different perspective!
A vast number of women do not manage to deliver vaginally and/or to breast feed their babies but are definitely fantastic mothers. The very existence of your dd is massive and undeniable proof of both your womanhood and motherhood.
Every mother tries to be a perfect parent and no mother ever is because its not possible...Being a "good enough" parent is the closest any of us will ever get.
You tried to breast feed and it didn't work out, you should feel really good about trying to do it, realise that it doesn't work out for many people and then move into the present here and now and go and make your child smile, and be the great mother that you are.

I'm sorry, but I don't think that thinking of the disadvantages would make anyone feel better. If you really want to breastfeed then the disaddvantages don't put you off, and if you 'failed' I don't see how thinking of those things would make you feel better when it is something you really wanted. Best to come to terms with the reasons why things didn't work out as you had hoped, and keep lots of positive thoughts about breastfeeding for the next time.

Antonia3, just to add that I've been there too. I couldn't feed first time round and had all your regrets - wish I'd had then Suedonim's excellent words here ("you did the best you could in the knowledge and circumstances you had at the time" ). And, yes, I remember a post-natal group when EVERY other mother there, at some stage in the two hours, whipped out their breasts and fed. I felt like a total and utter fraud as I furtively produced a bottle. I remember too, crying in the hospital, as midwife after midwife failed to get my ds to feed, and I was saying 'He doesn't need me, anyone could do this, I'm useless ...' etc. etc.
As a result, with no 2, I was desperate for it to work. Things started really well - dd just latched on in the delivery room and went for it. I was amazed and utterly thrilled. I fed and fed, glowing with pride, and three weeks in, she had gained no weight at all! I came home from the baby clinic in despair; I had mastitis and nipples so cracked I thought they would drop off and a baby who screamed and had apparently forgotten how to latch on ... Everyone told me to give up but fortunately I had a wonderful HV who helped me work out a plan for mixed feeding to keep my supply up and give my baby the nutrition she clearly needed. After seven weeks, it settled down and though I almost always had to supplement my feeds with bottles, I fed her just fine for eight or nine months. It wasn't the perfect experience I had dreamed of but it worked for us and was a lovely time. I count myself lucky now that I had a safe alternative to breastfeeding when it wasn't working.
So, from my experience I would say, don't beat yourself up. I've read other mothers saying the same thing - you can become so obsessed with trying to feed that you can't see past it to what's really happening. But when I looked at my daughter one afternoon and saw her little face clearly, I knew she was hungry. My own feelings about success or failure and the 'right' way to feed just didn't matter - she needed milk and didn't care where she got it. I got her a bottle, started mixed feeding and we never looked back. She is now three and so close to me that I can't get her to leave my side!! And though I remember those times and those feelings, they have no bearing now - as someone else here also said. I've been a mother six years and that's what's important. As time goes on, these first months will slip into a different perspective for you too, I hope.
There are many ways to feed your baby and many ways to be a mother. Choose the one that is best for you and your child and be proud of your achievements.