Has anyone won round a family that were uncomfortable with the whole breastfeeding thing?

[MrsTittleMouse]

I've posted a bit about this on my AIBU "postnatal" thread. I thought that I might be able to get some more practical help here though.

Short background - I come from a family that has very few babies and even less BFing. Only other BFer in the family did it for a short while for the good of the baby, but didn't seem very comfortable with it and seemed relieved to stop even though she didn't have practical problems - so no peer support.

Last time I BF DD1 for 10 months. My parents were fine (they're quite open about bodies and stuff generally) but my extended family and the ILs were obviously very uncomfortable about BFing and assumed that I would want to feed "in private" in a very embarrassed way. So with a very greedy DD1 I ended up feeding in bedrooms on my own whenever we visited anyone, and for Christmas etc. Which I found very lonely and to be honest I felt like a bit of an outcast doing something very shameful.

I'm now due to deliver again soon and I want to give BFing a good go again. I don't want to make a big issue over this if I can, but the thought of being banished for 10 months like last time makes my heart sink. Has anyone ever gently managed to win around their family? I BF in public with no problems, even though I was a bit shy at first, because I taught myself in front of a mirror to be very discrete - in fact sometimes people didn't even realise that I was feeding.

I did get some very unsupportive messages from the ILs regarding BFing. That was all down to SIL though, who always "knows best" and was pushing mixed feeding via MIL and DH (despite the fact that it buggered up her own supply and she had to switch to formula).

It's so stupid isn't it, that breastfeeding is so rare that I have to feel like a stubborn weirdo to feed my own daughter in front of my own (or my DH's family).

Just ignore them. No, fuck them
Their issue not yours.
Mil (lovely woman God rest her soul) once asked me if I had considered 'mixfeeding' asdd 'always hungry'.
Dh had to hold me down for a good 45 mins.

I had the "always hungry" and the "it'll make her sleep" thing. Double whammy, especially as DD was a little greedy guts and a dreadful sleeper. Nothing to do with breastfeeding though, she was a dreadful sleeper when I introduced solids and a dreadful sleeper at 10 months when I switched to formula.

From my grandmother I had "your milk isn't good enough" because DD fed all the time, and then when I pointed out that she had doubled her birthweight in record time and was actually quite chubby she switched to "your milk is too rich for her". Sigh. I wonder whether that was because she wasn't able to BF my Mum and uncle, and if she couldn't do it then it must be terrible difficult and awkward.

My dad, who was breastfed and co-slept for TWO YEARS, once made the mistake of telling me 'poor DD2 was starving' because of having to 'work so hard' at the breast.

I just repeated the line he used on us many a time 'Never did you any harm, did it?'

That shut him up .

Alsodon't ask permission. Bonkers.
It really upsetsme when people do this to me. They even do it in their own homes!! (I do alot of home visits as part of job.)

lol Starlight - know exactly what you mean about asking! How did the gas/air situation work out?

totally agree with moondog about expressing- what a faff, dont do it unless you have to (for work) and about asking permission- nooooo!

I mean, what would you do if they did mind?

Permission to feed your own baby- pah!

Iwasonce on long haul flight next to woman with tiny baby (just the two of us in row of 4 with bassinets.I had my baby too.(
She kept on going to loo to express and then giving it to him in a bottle. Bonkers.

Edgware Birth Unit is fab, Starlight. They were wonderful when I was in there over three years ago now.

To the OP, I'm sure you are very discreet. BFing is usually unless the baby's a bit slurper! Just be more casual about it, if you can. Baby needs feeding, don't say anything, just feed. If you want to stay in the same room as everyone else, just say, "Oh thanks for the offer of the bedroom, but I'm fine here and the baby loves to be around people too,"

Their discomfort is being fossilised by your disappearing off to another room as if you're going to the toilet or something.

Actually, I think the other posters on here are right - maybe you are going to have a bit a bit brusque and take a, "Don't be so bldy ridiculous. I'm feeding my baby!" approach," when their embarrassment arises again.

Lots of smiles, eye contact and calm confidence will quell their ushering you off away out of the room. If you seem comfortable and relaxed, then chances are they will too.

Also, who are they to tell you where to sit?

And my in laws were v. surprised at my choice to BF. I was lucky my DS didn't have hollow cheeks apparently. but I just carried on because I thought it was the best thing for my child. That's all. I didn't really take other people's feelings into account because it's actually nobody else's business and if they've got negative feelings about it, then that's their problem.

If I sound annoyed, I think it's because I'm remembering how I struggled with negativity from people when I was bfing.

Would agree re expressing, not least because if you resent your IL's "banishing" you to another room, won't you resent expressing purely to spare their blushes? (FWW I have done this when I went to a work lunch when DD was 6 months old. she drank the bottle and then proceeded to scream her head off right the way through lunch. One nil to DD)

starlight - great that you're happy

But seriously, I live near a BOC depot and could always just ask....

Love the line, 'baby likes company...'

I could certainly do with a "little something" to chill me out a bit and help me ignore the embarrassment of everyone else. It's such a shame. If there was ever a time when I was in need of half a bottle of a small glass of wine...

I found bfing in front of ILs quite awkward and not made any easier by having 2 dcs who were utterly crap at feeding. The slightest noise made them throw their heads around, sometimes letting go and sometimes not, sometimes a spray of milk all over ILs table/floor etc.

My MIL still barks 'are you still breastfeeding!' at any opportunity, ds2 is 11mnths.

With hindsight, I'm glad I brazened it out. If they can't support you, fuck em.

i'm amazed at the poster who's mil thinks BF is unnatural. that is quite and ignorant thing to say. the only person i will be uncomfortable with BF in front of is my uncle, whom DH and i are living with right now till november, then we'll have our place just before baby comes. he's only 6 years older than me and i've caught him already 'checking' out my new, massive breasts. now when i'm at home, i wear a hoody because he's making me so conscious of them. DH said its because he isn't around women enough. i just won't be visiting him much when BF.

i say just do it. people are just uncomfortable with situations that are alien to them, whether its inexperience or generational conditionings. they come around after being exposed to it and it becomes 'normal'. (although, in my case, with my uncle, its just a little creepy.)

My mother is of the firm belief that I should bf in another room, in silence and have stopped at six months. But she will only infer this rather than order me to stop. So the best approach, as others have suggested, is false naiveity- just do it, without batting an eyelid. Invest in a nursing top if it makes you feel more comfortable. It is most unlikely that you will be told to stop, in so many words. And either 1) they'll get used to it and the eye-rolling and tuts and embarassed FILs will, magically, fade away. Or 2) Fuck em.

Yes,false naivety is good, theattitude that the thought people find it strange has nevercrossed your mind. That leaves them feeling weird sand furtive and shifty, not you.

Also relished slurping wine in front of these sorts while b/feeding. Ihate supposition that b/feeding equals martyrdom.

I've never been amartyr in me life!

Moondog - that'[s how I've always gone about it!
None of my ils bf - my sil ff both her girls because she is on mahoosive does of codeine for severe fibromyalgia (2nd dd was treated an addict even though she cut down during [pg}) and both DH's cousins are anti-bf.
Same with my family, hardly any of my mum's family bf. The most blase about my feeding was my dad, who is Spanish! But I just got on with it, never left the room, carried on conversations just kept firmly in mind, baby is hungry, we're comfy where we are, don't want to be antisocial!
I actually bf during my nieces' Christening when ds was only 5 weeks old - got nothing but smiles!
I think it is far more important, MrsTM that you feed where you are comfy and that you are not forced to hide away and allow dd1 to think that bfing isn't normal.
If they are very anti-bf - I honestly don't think you could change their attitude, but as long as your DH is on side, what are they goign to do about it?
My FIL has never said a word to make me feel that I shouldn't bf in front of him and other people but I know for a fact he thinks ff is just the same and as good as bf, and genuinely doesn't understand why I won't give ds a bottle to let DH feed the baby!

Exactly BT. That's the spirit!!!

oooh dear - I don't think I would be able to stop myself making an 'innocent' but snotty comment along the lines of 'Isn't it intersting how breastfeeding in this country is divided along class lines. Did you know that low income women and those with lower levels of education are much less likely to breastfeed - such a shame'.

Which would be REALLY obnoxious but might shut them up??

Before i get shouted at for being a snob - I just know the research because of an old job of mine. Would only use it against people who are being twunts!