My baby prefers bottle feeding over breastfeeding. How do I get him to breastfeed again?

[wildagape]

My twins are 17 weeks old and are breastfed and bottle fed. I would eventually like to tandem feed them but currently I either feed them one at a time or my husband will bottle feed one while I breastfeed the other (and we'll swap around next feed). One boy is very good at latching, relaxes when I put him on his side to feed and enjoys breastfeeding. My other boy has always been difficult to breastfeed - I can never seem to catch him before he gets frantic with hunger. If he can't find my nipple fast enough he'll scream and he hates being put on his side. I have to be tactically & quick about getting him to latch otherwise it goes form 0 to 100 very fast. Sometimes the only way to get him to calm down enough to latch is to bounce on an exercise ball, which isn't convenient when I'm out and about. Even when he's relaxed and I offer him the breast he gets worked up and starts screaming. I've tried different breastfeeding positions and timing his feeds but he always seems to be worked up.
Last week I thought we'd had a breakthrough because he was latching and feeding really well but this week he's been refusing to breastfeed and prefers the bottle. Even with all my tricks I can't get him to latch and he gets very stressed. Both babies have had days where they've not wanted to latch but it's not normally lasted longer than a day or two.
I really want to keep breastfeeding him but it's so frustrating and stressful for both of us. I have been so angry at points this last week because he won't latch. I hate that I get mad at him and I know he can sense it. I need to stay calm, I know & I'm ashamed that I get so angry and stressed.
Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to prefer breastfeeding over bottle feeding and how to get him to like breastfeeding?
I'm going to try a couple of things this week such as:
• Lots of skin to skin while he's relaxed
• Stop offering the breast for a week or so
• Hold the bottle horizontal while feeding to create a slower flow
• Remain calm and have endless amounts of patience

It makes me sad that I create stress for him when I want feeding to relax him...

Any advice please!!!

Have you tried lying down side by side? Take a tablet or book in and just keep on giving it a try. You could take both in. Don’t despair. I know what you mean about sterile bottles being horrible. My daughter was fussy until about 5 months and I couldn’t feed her outside of the house until about 7 months. Then it was easy. They just need to get the hang of it. Good luck! (She self weaned at 11 months, I was so sad!)

I wouldn't keep forcing him if he doesn't like it. I know it's your preference but it's just causing him distress. Breastfeeding to bond doesn't make sense if the baby hates breast feeding and is just getting stressed and upset from it. If he is happier and more relaxed being bottle fed, just give him the damn bottle.

As a pp said, you will be starting to wean them in a matter of weeks anyway.

Absolutely do NOT stop breastfeeding for a week. It will be the death knell for your breastfeeding relationship.
Lots of skin to skin, offer the breast when he's not frantic with hunger.

Health visitors and midwives are rarely properly trained to spot tongue ties. You need an IBCLC to assess him and watch you feeding. They are amazing and can work wonders.

Don't feel pressurised to give up. If you want to that's fine. But you clearly don't, so ignore them. I personally think you're doing amazingly well in the circumstances.

Also, people saying to just pump and breastfeed to a mother of twins seem a bit daft to me. Pumping is the worst of all worlds in terms of time and effort. Last thing a twin mum needs is to have to find time to express, clean bottles and then feed them if they can just breastfeed and be done with it.

Keep trying and hang in there as these things take time! It sounds like you are doing everything right and it is doubly difficult with two babies to feed!
As you say, try to relax as much as you can and don’t get frustrated. These things have ups and downs but it sounds like there have already been big successes.
Highly recommend getting help from your council’s community feeding team if you can access that, or if have money to spare a few hours with a private midwife who specialises in feeding can work wonders and give you a really good plan to proceed/ help diagnose the issues and also boost your confidence. Really well done to you for persevering

And agree with your strategy to make any bottle as similar to breastfeeding as possible - slow it down and only let the milk come out when they are actively sucking so that there is less difference in the experience…

Weaning from a bottle can be so, so easy too. If your baby was breastfeeding while she had HFM then she wasn’t refusing all drinks. There are other strategies for dealing with teething and calming down a toddler like cuddles, talking soothingly to them, stroking their head or back, distracting them, offering a dummy, all sorts of things.

Each woman has a choice but so does the baby, If the baby clearly hates something maybe that should be respected. Long term formula was easy. My DH could do feeds, bottle cleaning, etc, not just me. I’m not sure why people think that formula is such a hassle and needs perfect prep machines and all sorts of fuss. It doesn’t. No need for sterilising either if the water you wash the bottles in is clean and safe to drink. Hot soapy wash, hot rinse and leave to air dry. Once you work out the system that works best for you it’s easy.

@wildagape Get him checked specifically and thoroughly for a tongue tie by someone experienced in them. There’s various types of tongue tie. One of them involves the back part of the tongue and can be harder to diagnose. Google them and have a good look in his mouth yourself. My DD’s tongue tie was missed. I worked out that she had one when she was 2yo and had it surgically released at 3yo. Have you had his ears checked for an infection? That might be why he doesn’t want to lie on his side. Does he dislike both of his sides? Does he dislike both breasts? How do you position him for a bottle? Lying down or more sitting up? There are other holds for breastfeeding that you can try that he might prefer.

Ignore everyone saying to give up and chuck a bottle at him! Breastfeeding would be much easier for you and you've got twins. Why would you want to bother pumping, washing bottles and feeding the baby instead of just feeding the baby!? And then you dont have to worry about carrying bottles and milk around too, I'd imagine it's hard enough getting out of the house.

One of mine would get super worked up and then refuse to latch, I used to play white noise and he'd zone out and latch straight away. Maybe try that and lots of skin to skin.

Also maybe try before he's hungry? When you think he's nearly due a feed. And reclined is a good position. Also one of mine loved me lying down and him perched at my side feeding so he was upright.

@RabbitsEatPancakes If you “chuck a bottle” at a baby then you’re doing it wrong. Bottle fed babies should be held by the parent or an adult and the adult should be holding and controlling the bottle at this age. Feeding my DD always involved holding her and holding the bottle controlling the feed, and making sure that she was feeding well.

Its good to bottle feed the child if that is what the child prefers.

The thing about not liking to be on the side rings bells to me (and my "hard to keep breastfeeding feeding but now boob obsessed toddler")

I think sometimes if they have trapped wind, or any sort of stuffy nose/ear pain, it can be really uncomfortable to be on their side. In which case, I'd have a go at the other side in the first instance (at least you have a second baby to deal with the boob left full - unexpected twin benefit! :D) but also check for winding techniques, and maybe try a dose of neurofen or calpol to see if there is any teething or ear pain. (Depends on how comfortable you are with speculative medication for pain that may or may not be there!)

I found it hard to get on with "other" breastfeeding positions, but they are also worth a try: upright or lying side by side.

It seems unlikely to be a factor when you're successfully feeding the other baby but has anyone looked at you sideways feeding posture as well? The way my lactation consultant described it to me is that the baby can feel quite insecure and unbalanced if they're wobbling around away from your body, and I actually needed to get my daughter snuggled in closer.

I also spent quite a lot of time in the bath and bed letting her scrabble around on my tumme and chest rediscovering her natural latching instincts. I hated it. Scratchy newborn fingernails. Really was quite touched out. I think it did help though. She was a bit littler than 4 months though.

Op I don’t really have any advice but you’re not making problems by trying to feed him and there are still benefits to breastfeeding, so please don’t listen to anyone implying you’re wasting your time or making trouble for no need. also I do think it’s normal for feeding to get difficult for a week or two at a time then get easier for a while before facing a new problem again.
that said, obviously don’t be hard on yourself, most women struggle feeding one baby, you’ve done incredible to get this far with two and if it’s too much don’t feel you have to continue.

Definitely reach out for some irl support with people who specialise in multiples and you may have a local breastfeeding group.
I second the poster who suggested nipple shields. I think bottles are easier for them to use too, so he might be being a bit ‘lazy’ so make sure the bottles are slow feed ones if you can.
also if he hates being on his side I’d try lying him down and leaning over, or try the ‘football’ hold. And lots of skin to skin where you can and offering all the time rather than just once he’s already hungry. You’re doing brilliantly well done

Osteopaths can be very helpful or this sort of thing. Sometimes they have sore necks from their time in the womb that can make some feeding positions uncomfortable

Do you always give him the same side? It could well be that one side is faster than the other or has more so he might do better on the other side

You need a medal op. You've done amazing so far. I dont really have advice as haven't had twins. I've EBF 3 babies and ive always said that if it got too hard I wouldn't hesitate to switch. Call me selfish, but my breastfeeding was initially for my own reasons to be easier for me (which sometimes it has been, sometimes hasnt). But if the balance has swung too far the other way then please do not feel any guilt if you need to move one baby to bottle feeding!!! Obviously i hope you get the best advice to keep them on the boob but if you cant and can only bf one and bottle feed the other then please dont beat yourself up about it. Just do what's easiest for you. Happy mum, happy babies xx

It just occurred to me he could be getting teeth too. Mine started than young. He gets really fussy feeding because his mouth hurts. Maybe bottle feeding the easy twin for a morning or afternoon would give you both a bit of space to work it out and try different things.

All the best, and don't feel pressured to stop (or continue) if you don't want to. Yes, the baby can express a preference, but you're the adult who gets to make the ultimate decision.

Get a Hakka to collect breastmilk from the other breast while feeding. And then you can give the other twin that expressed milk

Have you thought about silent reflux? My dd does this till we sorted out the reflux

Hello, thank you all for your replies and advice. Sorry for not getting around to replying to you all - life is very busy with twins!
I've tried many of your suggestions but nothing seemed to work. I did a bit more research found out about something called "breast distress". I read about it and it was describing my little boy to a T (refusing to latch, arching his back, screaming when I attempted to get him to breastfeed etc). The article I read suggested to stop breastfeeding for a bit until he forgot about his "distress" so he wouldn't associate breastfeeding with panic or stress and then to try again when it felt right. I stopped offering the breast for about 9 days before I felt confident enough to try again and to my disbelief he latched! It wasn't for long, but it was a success in my eyes!! I tried a little bit everyday after that - sometimes he latched, sometimes he didn't, sometimes it was for a long time, sometimes it was short.

It's still a work in progress as he still prefers the bottle so breastfeeding isn't a reliable way of feeding him but we're getting there. I'm so proud of him for at least trying!

One of my twins refused to breastfeed and only bottle-fed, I went with it. Fwiw she's by far the healthiest and most robust of my 3 kids

I'm glad that he's finding his way back! I found I had so much more time to research breastfeeding as my daughter got a little bit bigger and I found a way to juggle everything. Though, I only had the one baby...

Hi op, I didn’t manage to successfully exclusively breastfeed so no help from me on that one, but IF he needs to stay on bottles, have you tried pumping? I pumped for 6 months as I was so keen to give my child breastmilk but it’s hard work. With two I wonder if you can pump from one breast while your twin is feeding (if he doesn’t knock it off the breast).
If you can get a Hakka you can catch the milk that leaks from the ‘other’ breast while feeding your breastfeeding child and then put in the bottle for the bottle preferring child.

That’s lovely and will be nice for comfort and bonding for him. My little boy used to latch occasionally but it was never enough to ensure he’d had a proper feed so continued with bottles of expressed milk too. When he did occasionally latch though it was lovely!
funnily at age 2 when he sees me getting changed he occasionally says ‘I want mummy booby milk’ and latches on for a few seconds (they have not had any milk for over two years!) pretendifn to be a. Baby- I think as he’s seeing lots of younger siblings breastfeeding recently he’s got really intersted in it again!