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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Husband saying I’m selfish for BF baby

52 replies

Peachhedgehogmama · 10/05/2025 19:59

Just looking for some support…not getting any at home. Between us me and my other half have now 5 children. As far as I know the other 3 children were basically brought up by him. Now we have a child together and culturally I should BF with my son I didn’t make enough milk so had to combine. Now I have enough to feed our little one who so far has refused bottles (tongue tie now cut but still refusing) and I’m being told I am being controlling and only thinking about my feelings and not his. I’ve offered him nappy changes, bath time I waited weeks for him to do this and in the end gave up….I've sobbed and sobbed as I really don’t want to give formula…I’ve started expressing but struggling with the machine…and I’m unsure if she will even take it from a bottle as when we’ve tried before she gags and refuses it to the point where she gets herself in such a state she throws up digested milk.
I just want someone else’s view from mums side and especially a dads side really.

please please help one struggling confused mummy.

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 10/05/2025 21:26

OP, ask him why he thinks women have breasts? Spoiler alert - we have breasts to be able to feed babies. We don't grow them for men's amusement. You're doing what's best for your baby and what your baby seems to want. Please don't feel you have to keep forcing a bottle on your baby. Her being unsettled after a feed could be her picking up your distress or just colic.

You say his family spoke about the need to BF for two years, as per their culture. Would any of them have a word with him and help him see sense?

PinkBobby · 10/05/2025 21:41

I’m so sorry your joy at being able to breastfeed this time around has been dampened by your husband’s reaction. Congratulations - it must feel wonderful having that time with your little one.

I think there are lots of things we discuss before having a baby or even try to implement when you have a baby which end up not working for you or for the baby. You have to be flexible and, to be honest, pick the easiest route as it’s not easy having a newborn (as you already know!). Your baby is not taking a bottle and your pump isn’t working for you so, at least for now, you are breastfeeding. It’s as simple as that. He can kick up as much fuss as he wants but the reality is, you need to feed your baby and breastfeeding is the only way to get that done right now. For now, there are many other ways he can bond - he can burp the baby straight after feeding, bath time is a wonderful time (as you suggested). His anger is misplaced and he needs to take a moment to think about why he’s suddenly so protective over that time. Did he really enjoy it with your other kids? Is he jealous of that bonding time? It’s okay to be disappointed or frustrated but he doesn’t need to treat you so badly.

Personally, I would tell him that you understand he’s disappointed but it’s clearly not an option right now and he needs to accept that. Ask him why it’s so upsetting for him and see if that helps you find a way forward.You can remind him that fortunately breastfeeding has so many benefits so it’s not the end of the world and you can come back to introducing a bottle at a later date. Post partum is hard enough, please don’t let him make your life any more complicated. It’s time to feel empowered and stop letting him have so much power. The baby is fed and happy - you’re doing an amazing job.

JWhipple · 10/05/2025 21:45

"as far as you know" he raised his kids?! Why aren't you sure about this? Where are the children and mother/s now? This sounds like he's told you he raised his kids on his own but you're not sure for some reason?

And FFS, why is he so hell bent on making you even more stressed? The baby is fed and not getting distressed by the feeding. Would he rather you and baby were constantly stressed and unwell?

Maybe if he's that bothered he can do formula feeds at night, which won't work but main thing is he gets to bond with the baby 🙄

PinkBobby · 10/05/2025 21:55

PinkPonyClubb · 10/05/2025 21:19

This is why so many woman end up single You’re all nuts! How do you think a joint child is your solo parenting decision.

I don’t agree with the OP husband.

Parenting is a joint decision though.

Show quote history

You make an interesting point as I would also say I believe parenting choices should be made jointly. But all I can think is surely the benefits of breastfeeding for both mother and baby mean that a mum can insist on doing it if she wants to? Or, more generally, if there is a disagreement about what to do, then they should do the best thing for the baby (which in this case is breastfeeding because of the benefits but also because they are flat out refusing a bottle).

I do believe that, postpartum, the mother and baby’s mental and physical health take priority because they are more vulnerable (not underestimating women at all, I mean that they may be recovering from birth, dealing with less sleep than their partner, dealing with massive hormonal changes). So I think they do get to lead on how something like feeding is done. I would equally argue that a mother who doesn’t want to breastfeed shouldn’t be forced to because her husband wants her to because it involves her body.

värskekapsas · 10/05/2025 21:57

I think he just wants attention for himself. It's quite common during the first year of a baby's life and especially with breastfeeding, for men to feel left out. But the truth is, even if you gave up and switched to bottles, it wouldn't change the relationship between him and a baby in the way he wants it to. There are so many ways he can support you and bond with the baby—changing nappies, doing bath time, playing, making sure you're comfortable. But instead, he's insisting you stop breastfeeding just so he feels better. I don't know... if it were me, I wouldn't be entertaining this. I'd lay it all out—he has plenty of opportunities to bond, and for goodness’ sake, it’s not all about him, his feelings, and his comfort.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 10/05/2025 22:04

Tough shit on him, and anyone who would appease him is nuts. He’s twisted.

untilido · 10/05/2025 22:07

PinkPonyClubb · 10/05/2025 21:19

This is why so many woman end up single You’re all nuts! How do you think a joint child is your solo parenting decision.

I don’t agree with the OP husband.

Parenting is a joint decision though.

Show quote history

I am neither single nor nuts. If the best you have as part of a discussion there is little point anyone engaging with you.

Ruffpuff · 10/05/2025 22:10

@Peachhedgehogmama does he not see the baby throw up and struggle when you’ve offered a bottle? You should point out to him that if he’s willing to put the baby through that just so he gets to feel special then he is in fact extremely selfish.

DorothyStorm · 10/05/2025 22:11

Titasaducksarse · 10/05/2025 20:33

Complaining about breastfeeding is a known indicator of domestic abuse.

Just looking for some support…not getting any at home.
Read that over and over. He is a shit.

Tbrh · 10/05/2025 22:18

Your husband is a moron. Tell him BF is the best thing you can do for your baby.

Neodymium · 10/05/2025 22:28

breastfeeding is not a joint decision as it involves the woman’s body. No man can either say yes she must if she doesn’t want to or no she can’t if she doesn’t want to. Obviously if she is breastfeeding the baby must be thriving though, I don’t think she can insist on continuing exclusive breastfeeding if the baby is losing weight.

Endofyear · 10/05/2025 22:35

This is very odd - why is your husband's family involved in any discussions about how you feed your baby? What are his objections to you breastfeeding? If he wants to bond with the baby there are many opportunities to do this outside of feeding. I bf all my babies but DH was very involved in their care and would take baby after a feed to change their nappy, burp them and walk around with them to get them off to sleep. If your DH is being unsupportive, you need to tell him to stop as excessive stress is no good for you or the baby. Do you have support from your own family?

Original poster
Peachhedgehogmama · 10/05/2025 22:55

It’s culture and religion, they spoke to me before hand about BF and I explained I had tried with my other little one but ended up combine feeding. Luckily my own family are very supportive and allow for our own decisions. His only objection is he feels isolated like I said as far as I know from what he has told me he practically did everything for his 3 children with his previous partner…and his comments are formula did them no harm. My other little one had formula combined fed so no issue with it…I would just rather BF as I’ve got the option this time to do it exclusively. He also thinks I’m trying to keep him away from her, which has baffled me as I have tried to make bathing their thing, I left and left it she has now had 3 baths and is nearly 12 weeks…no rush but still, plus loves it so would be great if he would take that on. I think I’m frustrated that I’m desperately trying to include him in other ways and he just isn’t having any of it. I feel overly stressed and I am trying not to be not just for baby but our other children too.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 10/05/2025 23:06

Tell this silly man that the baby is not a toy and that breastmilk is best for the baby. Do not let him bully you over this. He is jealous and immature and you need to stand firm.

Sometimes it's easy to see why some men are no longer with the mothers of their children.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2025 23:09

He told you he practically did everything for his other three children?

Did he bully his former partner out of doing anything for them?

Or is he the sort of man who thinks a mother's contribution is worthless?

Be careful with this very strange man, @Peachhedgehogmama.
Often the arrival of a baby results in a man showing you exactly who he is and why he's no longer with his previous partner.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2025 23:10

Do you have an HV who could give him the sharp clip on the ear he so richly deserves?

You are being bullied by a nasty man here.

Langdale3 · 10/05/2025 23:14

That’s abusive behaviour from him I am sorry to say.

untilido · 10/05/2025 23:15

Peachhedgehogmama · 10/05/2025 22:55

It’s culture and religion, they spoke to me before hand about BF and I explained I had tried with my other little one but ended up combine feeding. Luckily my own family are very supportive and allow for our own decisions. His only objection is he feels isolated like I said as far as I know from what he has told me he practically did everything for his 3 children with his previous partner…and his comments are formula did them no harm. My other little one had formula combined fed so no issue with it…I would just rather BF as I’ve got the option this time to do it exclusively. He also thinks I’m trying to keep him away from her, which has baffled me as I have tried to make bathing their thing, I left and left it she has now had 3 baths and is nearly 12 weeks…no rush but still, plus loves it so would be great if he would take that on. I think I’m frustrated that I’m desperately trying to include him in other ways and he just isn’t having any of it. I feel overly stressed and I am trying not to be not just for baby but our other children too.

3 baths in total or just 3 with him?

Whoarethoseguys · 10/05/2025 23:20

PinkPonyClubb · 10/05/2025 20:12

To poster that said she can decide to feed her baby however she wants. I don’t believe it’s her job to decide how to feed their baby.

OP to answer your question, I understand your husband wants to feed to bond but like you’ve said you’ve offered him all different alternatives to bond. Your baby doesn’t want the bottle and your struggling to express. Your husband needs to accept your baby doesn’t want to bottle feed and but his own selfish needs aside.

Out of curiosity did you not discuss how you both wanted to feed your baby before they were born?

I'm sorry but you are wrong it is the mothers choice to make. She carried the baby for nine months and it is her body. If she wants to breastfeed her baby then she has the perfect right to and her husband doesn't have any say.
He can have his say once the baby is weaned and in other areas but not in this.

Wishitsnows · 10/05/2025 23:21

I can see why the ex left. He is being abusive. Women have breastfed for thousands of years and he doesn’t want you to because he is trying to control you and make life harder for you and make you feel bad about yourself. I would guess there are other issues in your relationship. Don’t back down, do what is right for you

Imisschampagne · 10/05/2025 23:22

@Peachhedgehogmama is he usually this egocentric and controlling? Sounds like a red flag… the baby‘s health and needs should be his priority - not his own feelings. Also how he talks to you is off.

and what about his other kids? Do you assume he did Versuchung for them or is this what he says? I would be wary of the truth of his statements.

also hopefully baby girl a bath or shower once a week at least. Three times in 12 weeks is not enough.

Hyperquiet · 10/05/2025 23:26

It's the right of the infant to breastfeed for 2 years unless the mother is unable to or it is detrimental in some way or you agree not to.

It isn't something that you should be working yourself up about stopping when you have a newborn if you can and want to breastfeed!

Profhilodisaster · 10/05/2025 23:30

PinkPonyClubb · 10/05/2025 21:08

I am suggesting that two adults who make a baby should discuss how they want to feed their baby.

Show quote history

IMO , it's entirely up to the mother and any decent father would support her however the child is fed .

Cherryicecreamx · 10/05/2025 23:31

He's selfish for saying it 🤬

Muffinmam · 10/05/2025 23:32

My partner resented the attention I gave our son.

I remember him screaming at me when I was breastfeeding so I would stop after just starting and how much my poor son screamed.

It got a lot worse.