Breastfeeding Misery 5 weeks

[Keggles36]

I want to quit breastfeeding but have so much guilt and sadness at the thought of doing it.

I've been trying for 5 weeks. It all seemed fine until day 12 when she hadn't regained birthweight. She then continued to gain but really slowly.

I've been triple feeding, and was told to introduce small formula top ups.

The midwives have discharged us, and I can't get hold of health visitors they've just said they'll see us at 6-8 weeks. I'm livid at how crap they have been.

Baby is just really sleepy at the breast, and every feed is a fight to get her to feed for longer than 5 seconds. She had tongue tie which was separated at 11 days. And everyone says her latch is fine. But even when I think she's fed well she is demanding bigger and bigger top ups. I have a good supply, able to pump 60 -120mls each time I express.

This plan is just unsustainable, but there's no one to ask for help as can't get hold of anyone. I feel so alone and so sad.

I just want to quit but feel like a complete failure. My mental health is completely shot. I'm also worried that side we introduced formula top ups she's only pooing every 3-4 days and is gassy and uncomfy.

I really don't know what to do but I'm hating this so much and just want to feel supported with a proper plan that isn't triple feeding indefinitely... Or I want to quit the breast completely.

You're not a failure, but it seems you have been let down by HV who should be supporting you. 💐

My first thought was whether there is a local baby clinic attached to your midwife centre who can offer breastfeed support?

Getting your little one to feed is ofc your priority. If you move onto formula only that would certainly take the pressure off, and perhaps moving to a different brand than the one you are currently using would help with the gas your DD has experienced?

For what it's worth, my DC1 was entirely formula fed and not gassy, but DC2 BF and is the most gassy baby my family has ever come across!

Please don't worry about stopping breastfeeding. Like you said, the current situation is unsustainable and your mental wellbeing is important!

It is true that there is a routine health visit around 6 weeks, do you have an appointment in the diary for that? If not, I'd call your HV team again and push for at least the appointment to be booked in since your baby is 5 weeks already and you need support.

Does the hospital where you had your baby have an infant feeding team? You could try to call them for advice if so?

Another option is calling a helpline like La Leche League, National Breastfeeding Helpline etc they will be able to listen to you and might be able to offer some suggestions.

If the formula you are using doesn't seem to agree with your baby, it might be worth trying a different one. My DC1 was combi fed from 6 weeks and then exclusively formula fed from 12 weeks and we used a particular brand of formula. My DC2 was combi fed from 6 weeks with the same formula brand but it didn't agree with him, likewise he struggled to poop and pass wind and was always unsettled the days he had a bottle, so we swapped to a different brand and he was fine with that one. Im purposefully not saying the brands as I don't think that's the point, just that all babies are different and different ones probably suit different babies best.

Ultimately though if you're just looking for someone to tell you that you 'may' stop breastfeeding you're unlikely to find that in a healthcare professional as they have to promote it. But you are doing and have done a great thing for your baby and sometimes what everyone needs is to formula feed and that's fine and your choice. I suppose a third choice would be to just bottle feed a mixture of breast milk and formula? But personally I can't be bothered with a lot of pumping so doubt I would ever choose that route. But then I also never got anything like what you pump volume wise either.

Trust me, you're not a failure. You're not meant to do this alone. You know, in countries where they have high breastfeeding rates, they also have high rates of generational-breastfeeding coaching (ie, you get support from the women around you have done it successfully, it ingrained in the culture) and the whole thing is way less taboo.

In our local area we have lactation consultant who will see you free of charge at baby groups. Our local hospital also does feeding clinics for this exact reason. Are you able to see if those exist in your area? Also suggest La Leche League. They have groups or a helpline you can call: laleche.org.uk

I felt like giving up at about 5 weeks and I'm so glad I didn't. HOWEVER you are not me and it's 100% fine, good even, to switch to formula if that's what's best for your mental health. Your baby needs you to feel in control in whatever way you can. Seeing as the support serves around you aren't doing their job, i'd say it's more than okay to make that sort of decision. I know it can take people a few different formula attempts before they find the right one for their baby. This may be a route for you.

Also, pumping is hell - I just want to acknowledge this. I did exclusive pumping for the first 6 weeks of my daughter's life and it was absolute hell. Well done you for doing it, it's not easy when you have a tiny baby.

Congratulations on your new arrival and I'm sorry to hear you've been let down by your healthcare team!

No matter how you decide to feed your baby, they're going to thrive as long as you're happy and healthy. The most important thing in their world isn't their milk, but you. 💐

That being said, it sounds like you want to stop triple feeding more than breastfeeding? If so, a private lactation consultant is worth their weight in gold if you can afford one. La Leche League are also a great free support.

Babies go through a huge growth spurt around 6 weeks, and the cluster feeding can be intense, which might be why she's demanding more top-ups?

If weight gain is no longer a concern, I would ensure the bottle you're using is very very slow flow and that you're doing paced feeding. I would then start to dial back the amount of top-ups provided. Either drop one after one feed and do that gradually, or reduce the ml. Climb into bed for a week and lots of skin to skin / cluster feeding. My two DS were both very sleepy on the boob up to around 8 weeks - I used to have to have a cold ice cloth to gently shock them awake. Plus held their little hands and massaged their palms to keep them awake. My lactation consultant said try everything but stroking their face, as that can interrupt their latch. A nappy change halfway through helps too, as does stripping them out of their sleep grow so they're not as cosy.

Ditching the pumping and going to combi feeding with formula is another option too, that could take the pressure off. Pretty sure every new mom hates expressing - huge mental load and lots of work involved! Different formula types can help with the gassiness, and her little digestive system will mature too.

You are absolutely not a failure!!!
It's probably not a popular opinion on here but if you're finding breastfeeding too much then stop and use formula instead.
I tried to BF my first child and I absolutely hated it. I felt so low and so unhappy. A lovely midwife suggested I tried formula and that was that. Like you, I felt like a failure and that I'd let my baby down but in all honestly, it was the best thing for my baby because I wasn't hating every feed and I could enjoy and nurture my baby.
There is so much pressure on new mums with 'breast is best' but honestly, happy mum, happy baby is best. Good luck

Well said, completely agree.
I had rubbish supply due to previous breast reduction so had to introduce formula. I gave myself SUCH a hard time about it and looking back I wish I'd be a lot kinder to myself. I spent hours pumping, hired a hospital grade pump, you name it, I tried it. BF is HARD! No one warns you.

I'm due with DC2 in a few weeks and already have formula in ready and I'm so ok with it now. I'd rather use my mental and physical energy into nurturing my baby in other ways rather than beating myself up about BF. It's hard enough, but I totally get your feelings about it!

Try and ignore any judgement and do what's best for you which will in turn be best for baby too x

So sorry to hear things are so hard for you. Defo get on the phone to the hospital to ask if they have an infant feeding team, or as someone else has said pay for a private lactation consultant. Moving between breast and bottle can be confusing for them as there is a flow change. We found Lansinoh teats were the best for breastfed baby and they also fit onto mam anti-colic bottles. The first 3 months of breastfeeding is brutal - I think that’s why lots of people don’t make it pay 6 weeks. You’re not alone - it is so hard and gruelling on top of everything else that you’re adjusting to xxx

I was the same with my first baby - she had reflux so vomited up every feed and was therefore just really hungry & upset from the off. I stopped trying to BF after day 5 and exclusively pumped for 1 year. I think it broke me and I’ll never do it again.

With my second, who is now 10 months, I had an open mind but I tried BF again and it was ‘simpler’ with him. He still didn’t get the hang of it for several months and it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. It took a lot of grit and determination to push through the tough days when they’re stuck to you all day feeding and your breasts haven’t regulated. I’m still not sure if I’ve done the right thing or not continuing to BF. it’s way harder than I thought it would be.

A friend of mine has gone through sometime similar and turns out her baby has a dairy allergy & since she’s gone dairy free things improved. That also means the baby needs special CMPA formula that is prescribed through your GP. Just something to keep in mind if you do choose to continue. Wishing you all the best xx

I'm not surprised about the HV - mine were rubbish.

If you want to continue, try and see if there are any breastfeeding support groups nearby that you could go along to.

I think at the moment you've got the worst of all worlds with pumping and breastfeeding directly, plus the formula, it must take all your time! Anyone would be exhausted.

Please get some support. Try La leche League or National Breastfeeding Helpline - 0300 100 0212.

They can come up with a plan to get off triple feeding in whichever way you want. La leche league may even have a local meeting sometime this week.

@BecuaseIWantItThatWay @DarkAndTwisties @freidafreida @LegoHouse274 @Wrongsideofpennines @Pigsinblankets13 @rainbowstardrops @Somanymumquestions and anyone I've missed - thank you so much for your kind words 😘

It all feels better in daylight, though I get so much dread for the night.

I've sort of made an impromptu plan of doing the two night feeds by bottle and expressing at them to keep the supply up as the fight to the boob in the night makes me so so so sad and if I keep doing it I'll quit.

Then I'll offer the breast at all day feeds and only express when it suits. If my supply dries up or she stops gaining weight, I'll switch to only formula.

What do you think?

@Keggles36 this sounds like a good plan, you could pump while you bottle feed & get it over & done with. Sometimes just making a plan can help ease things as it’s the lack of control / knowing what’s to come that can make things even harder.

Nights are so hard and the dread is totally normal. Especially as your little one doesn’t know might from day yet. Are you getting any help at all during the nights?

@Wobblytrouble my husband helps at bought but he's really hard to wake up and went back to work today. He suffers with serious b12 deficiency so I feel bad washing him when he's exhausted all the time anyway. But he really does try and never complains - he just looks ill!

@@Wobblytrouble sorry for all the autocorrect errors. Hopefully you'll make it make sense!

I had to triple feed due to weight loss. You can’t really go to a la leche league meeting, breastfeeding cafe or NCT class because triple feeding just takes up so much time. Your main option is paying someone to come to your house but that’s obviously expensive and certainly wasn’t an option for us.

I made it to 5 weeks with triple feeding before I stopped. I was beginning to dread every feed and it was affecting our bond. I also really needed my husband as he had to calm baby when they weren’t latching properly and getting frustrated.

Your plan sounds better than triple feeding but it still feels like a lot. I know I found it very lonely expressing during the night. Give it a go but I would be prepared you still might be struggling. I was told the nighttime feeds were best for the breastfeeding hormones, which is presumably why you want to express at night but it is really draining. As you’ll be aware.

It’s OK to stop if you are finding it too much. You’ve given it a really good go but if you are starting to dread feeds, it’s OK to stop and just formula feed. The relief when I stopped was immense and it’s like a dark cloud lifted. I think I’d have got PND if I’d continued pushing, so just be mindful of you and that you count too.

This might (again) be an unpopular view, but I think that breastfeeding support is something that you need to be proactive about if you need it.

There's no reason for you to still be under the midwives care and a follow up by the HV at 6w is pretty standard.

There may be many breastfeeding support groups etc out there, but you'll have to seek them out, ask on local FB groups etc. Mine has one pretty much every weekday, but you wouldn't know this through the HV.

I've done triple feeding (albeit for different reasons) and it was wearing, but it was only for a few weeks. We were then able to drop back down to just breastfeeding (which I didn't want to do, I would have preferred to FF but baby said no).

It's easy to feel that your don't have enough support, but a lot of that is exhaustion and wishing it wasn't so hard, and assuming that with proper support it would be easier. Where there is a specific problem, latch, supply etc, that may be the case, but it's pretty relentless anyway.

If you want to end/phase out boobs that's fine. A happy mum is far more important, and your baby will thrive equally regardless of feeding method.

Equally, if you want to keep on, that's fine. Seek out local support if you feel that's useful, or just see where time takes you.

@Squeekey i think you're right but also nothing has been open due to Christmas and New Year. None of the breastfeeding groups, meetings or support - they suggested contacting the hv to fill the gap. This has been really lonely.

I'm a midwife, and know what support should be available but it hasn't been. Maybe it will improve now.

I've been to a cranial osteopath this morning which has identified jaw issues so we're working on those. We have a weigh in tomorrow which will help to make a plan going forwards.

😊

First of all, if you want to stop, you can.

Secondly - did you get position and attachment help post tongue tie? Were you told it would take at least 2 weeks to regain tongue function? I find social media and some surgeons will make it seem like the snip is a magic bullet and it is not.

With so much respect for you as a midwife... I find a lot of MWs don't know as much about BFing as people assume. I see many many MWs in our support group who say that they had no idea it was like this!

If you want to stop, that is 100% ok. If not, find a local IBCLC led support group or pay for an IBCLC to do a home visit. Yes it's a cost but not buying formula would pay that back.

I went to a private tongue tie specialist I see you’ve seen a cranial specialist. We were told our baby had everything against him a tongue tie, his shape of mouth etc. It took 3 months of top ups and pumping and weighing and recording everything etc etc but one day I stopped and just fed breast milk from me and that was him till I stopped at 15 months. It can be hard. But as they get stronger and bigger they get more efficient! Hang in there!

This was my third. My 1st I use to cry before a feed, the first 6 weeks were awful then fine. The second just got it and was no bother despite being in icu at first.they are all different and it does take time!

I preferred feeding to a routine where possible so I knew I was going to be doing it and when. Then in between feeds you can bond with baby. The feeds can be hard time to bond if you’re stressed or sore.

hang in there!

@CocoPlum I 100% am out of my depth with feeding here! Absolutely no offence taken!

Unfortunately the only IBCLC that seems to be in my area is also a terribly horrible midwife from my trust who would not let me go home from a shift having a miscarriage a couple of years ago. I can't imagine asking for her support with this but am thinking maybe going further afield!

I'm so sorry you had that experience. Have you checked the LCGB website to make sure that she's the only one? We have quite a few in our area who are qualified but who aren't massively known in the area, because they don't work in the NHS or mainly do voluntary.
(Hoping to join them next year!!)

Do go further afield. Some IBCLCs offer online support - in person is best but a zoom call might help.

@CocoPlum I've just had a look and there are a couple more but they cost like £200-300 fit an hour and we don't have that money.

I've got infant feeding team tomorrow so will hope for the best from them.. We also have a weight so will be good to see if she's gained. If not I'm going to formula only.

We're also back to no poop for over three days which he as been a trend since introducing fornula 10 days ago!

Firstly well done under very tough circumstances a tongue tie really does throw a spanner in the works and then you end up in a bit of a loop cycle.
Secondly you can stop whenever you choose, I would say that the first 6 weeks are the toughest.

I was also on a feeding plan with DS1 and got stuck in a bit of a loop so would say the always wanting more aspect is more due to natural swallow index which bottles hit rather then being hungry.

You will know yourself to tap above her top lip for that top up and also to pace feed the bottle with regular breaks. Find the slowest teet possible for us that was a mimbie bottle.
Also the hand check is useful for if actually still hungry - still clenched hand might want more open hand probably not.

Definitely see if your local bf groups are opening up again there is also the NCT feeding line (don't have to be a member).

If wanting to continue and weight has improved then start reducing the top frequency and volume but do it over time. Baby will likely cluster feed in the next week or so and definitely around jabs so just be prepared for that.

Don't feel guilty if you choose to stop and make sure you add the formula cost to your weekly food budget going forward 🙂

Give up.

Or rephrase that - choose a different option to feed your child. one that suits you all better.

Fed baby is happy baby. They don’t care where it comes from and by the time he starts school neither will you!

Do you feel that being a midwife you have to lead by example? I think there can be a lot of guilt with stopping breastfeeding anyway, there certainly was for me. I wonder if this was one of your patients though what you would tell her and what point it’s ok to stop if she wants to? Don’t hold yourself to a higher standard then you would your patients to, just because you’re a midwife.

I gave myself the nickname shit tits. Felt no guilt at all. I can't help the way my body works. I gave birth to a healthy baby and was happy with that. I do understand your concerns about constipation as my daughter did struggle for a while but everything righted itself in time. You do seem to have been let down massively with regards to support but please don't feel guilty, you're doing a wonderful job.