Can’t do this anymore

[Teddybear120]

I have a 4 week old baby and I’m really struggling.
I’ve been trying to breastfeed her and it just seems one thing after another in our feeding journey.

I’ll preface this by saying she is a long awaited baby after needing IVF. She is my second. My first the breastfeeding never worked and he ended up bottle fed. I initially expressed milk then formula as my supply dropped.

we’ve had a different feeding journey this time but her feeding doesn’t feel right. Initially she had a super strong suction latch, resulting in me having bleeding, cracked nipples, misshapen and then vasospasm. That slowly got better but she started clicking at the breast lots. It is so audible now. We had a posterior tongue tie cut 10 days ago and her feeding is no better- if anything it is worse. She is clicking at the breast constantly. My let down is fast and she gulps and chokes at it initially but then takes it. However her latch is super shallow to cope with it. It doesn’t hurt me but it just feels like she isn’t sucking if that makes sense- just letting the milk pour into her mouth. In the afternoon and evening when my breast is less full she gets grumpy and comes on and off for hours. If I try to latch her deeply she just slips back to a shallow latch.

Ive tried different positions including laying back, rugby ball, cradle, cross cradle, compressing the breast when the flow is slow in the afternoons, expressing the initial let down off. I’ve been under the infant feeding team but they haven’t helped. Theyve say there is nothing wrong with her latch but I can literally pull my nipple out of her mouth without pain or breaking any suction. I’ve been told she is just getting used to her tongue now it is snipped. She is also gaining weight well so they don’t feel it is a problem. I think this is because I have an oversupply at the moment but I’m worried that when my supply regulates it will no longer work for her.
I feel like no one is listening to me.

I’ve had her screaming on and off for 3 hours this afternoon. I finally got her to sleep and she was woken up after 10 minutes. I’m dreading the cluster feeding that will come this evening.

I’m desperate to breastfeed, I feel like I will be judged if I stop now as she is gaining so well (she was back at birth weight day 6 and so far is putting on over an ounce a day). But at the same time all I can think about is running away and I can’t stop crying. I’m just at a loss as to what to do now. My partner has taken her for a walk as I can’t cope anymore. I can’t keep going like this but I also don’t want to stop breastfeeding. I have booked a chiro but the earliest they had is 10 days away and I’ve been to breadtfeedinf support groups but she feeds well there as it is the morning. It is always the afternoon and evenings for up to 8 hours like this.

Anyone have any bright ideas or experience. Will it get better? sorry for the long post, thank you for reading.

Oh OP I’m sorry that sounds really difficult. The only thing I can really recommend is that you have a proper think about why you want to continue breastfeeding, and is it worth the damage to your mental health? Fed is best, regardless of whether that is breast, expressed breast or formula. Nobody will judge you for stopping, and anyone who did wouldn’t be someone that you want around you anyway.

Breastfeeding is great, but it’s not the be all and end all. A happy mum and a fed baby are the only two things that matter. Look after yourself x

OP I bottle fed from day 1. I've never experienced any judgement at all and mines not even for any particular reason other than I didn't want to BF.

A fed baby and calm Mum are the two most important factors.
Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. She is gaining weight but as what cost to your wellbeing?

You have breast fed for four weeks, that in itself is an achievement when it’s difficult for you.

How would you feel about combi feeding? For me it was the best of both worlds. I think you have to focus on maintaining your supply and not slipping into excessive bottle feeding and that can be hard when you're all breasted out. I started by giving one bottle at the same time everyday. DH did it actually. I fed the rest of the time except on some occasions when I went out. Worked well for me. I don't think it has to be all or nothing.

Have the bf people suggested nipple shields because they saved me!

My three DC had different latches. My third always had a very shallow latch but after the first few weeks fed at reasonable intervals and didn't stop until he lwas almost 4. I didn't question it although I was aware from my previous DC that it was very shallow, as he was growing.

Also even if you pump to give her 1 bf a day and the rest formula, this is still bf! That's what I did.

Thank you for your kind words.
I struggled when breastfeeding didn’t work with my first. He lost lots of weight and we never seem to get it to work so he ended up bottle fed. I was really low following that and I told myself I wouldn’t let it happen this time and that fed was best so we would do whatever was best but now I’m living it I just can’t seem to stop being upset over it not working again. I honestly don’t judge others as to how they feed so I don’t know why I would feel judged but I do. I feel like I’m not strong enough if I don’t keep going.

I did want to combo feed eventually but all the advice I keep having is not to introduce a bottle until the latch is ok but like I said it just feels worse. I can’t fault that I’ve had loads of input- I’ve seen the infant feeding support workers several times and they acknowledge that she clicks lots but because she is gaining they’ve said just keep going. It is the shallowing of the latch that worries me. I just don’t see it getting better, just worse so then we will have to stop not through choice.

I have expressed a bit of milk- I get an ounce off each morning before I can even feed her because it is too firm for her to latch so I have started storing that to give her a bottle at some point. I seem to have 6 weeks in my head as a goal but it is just arbitrary I guess.

Hi can I ask when you said the latch was shallow did you have any issues with clicking at the breast or gulping down air?

At what stage did you introduce the bottle? I’m worried that I could make things worse with the latch by bringing it in too soon.

About 6 weeks with my second - much later with my first (about 14 I think) and she struggled initially.

How are you feeling about it today? What was your night like?

I didn’t get much sleep to be honest. She was wide awake after her 4am feed. I put her in the sling at 5 and she went off to sleep but as soon as I tried to transfer her she woke up. Feeding wise she fed all be it clicking the whole time. If I don’t faff about trying to get her to latch better then she feeds and is settled. If I try and get her deeper then she gets grumpy and screams until I give up and just let her click away at the breast in a shallow latch. Also struggling with my partner. He just won’t talk to me- I want to try and talk about how I am feeling and what he thinks (he knows I am upset and struggling mood wise) he has offered to take her in the sling so I can sleep but it isn’t the sleep. It is the feeding that is worrying me and I need to talk about what we should do but he has said he needs to get on. We do have a preschooler to entertain etc. however I’m feeling so isolated and alone.

Youve tried your best. It isn't working. Don't beat yourself up but for both you and the baby it's time to switch to the bottle.

I’m really sorry to hear this. Might I kindly say it’s not vital to breastfeed. I think you sound desperate and that’s not good for either of you. We all try to have the highest standards for ourselves and have strong views on different aspects of parenting. However being fkexible really pays dividends. If something really is not working, try the alternative. Look at the positive of dad helping. You have done your best with your chosen route and now you will do your best with a bottle. Just don’t give yourself a hard time. Baby will be just fine!

I'm so sorry you are having this experience. It sucks doesn't it. Have you tried seeing a private lactation consultant? I found them to be more helpful than the infant feeding team because they just have a bit more time to dedicate to you.

The other thing I would say is don't underestimate the impact of the tongue tie. DD2 had hers cut at 8weeks old (it was a very bad one that noone spotted for a while) and it took her a good 6weeks afterwards for everything to fall back into place. Every day got a bit better but it was very frustrating in that time. Have they done all your follow up appointments to make sure it is healing correctly?

Sounds tough - they do settle after about six weeks but you are in the weeks where most women find themselves busy with cluster feeding. With fast flow shields can help reduce flow rate as a temporary fix.
I did wonder when she fusses in the afternoons - how do you try to relatch her? If you can describe what you do it makes it easier to think about other things to try - if you want to.

Just reread that infant feeding aren't bothered by the clicking - that definitely isn't right! I used this website to find our help - https://lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/

Not sure why you're putting yourself through this. You say you bottle fed your first, surely that's testament to there's nothing wrong with bottle feeding! You are causing yourself unnecessary worry and stress, just give her formula!

Can’t do this anymore

So don't.

Tongue tie is becoming controversial as over diagnosed and most don't need surgery.

Please look up before snipping something in your babies mouth. The evidence suggests it doesn't help.

I would introduce a bottle in the early evening with your pumped milk (and switch to formula if you dont have enough pumped milk. I started a bottle once a day with all my dc at 3 weeks and it never caused nipple confusion. Just use a faster flow teat for your LO if she is used to a fast let down from you. Then maybe just let her feed the way she wants to at your breast. Maybe clicking is just her way, she sounds like she knows how to feed efficiently as she is gaining weight. Try two or three days being baby led and take it from there.

Op clearly says she has already had the procedure done for her baby so how is this comment helpful?

You are doing perfectly well. Hang on for another 3 weeks and you will be laughing (organic food for your baby everyday- exactly what she needs, no washing up, buying plastic bottles/ dummies/ packing shit). It takes 7 weeks to establish the supply and for the kid to learn (she is also recovering from tongue tie snip and is not a robot). You've done amazingly well so far. Super well done!

We combi fed from day 5 when we were readmitted for massive weight loss!

We just Bf when we could and then topped up with formula or breast milk if I’d managed to get some pumping or with the haaka but we just winged it with no set schedule of bottle or boob it seemed to work for us as little one started to thrive!

We managed to breastfeed to 7 months which I’m pretty proud of as I didn’t find it easy and had a lot of stress outside of baby with my dad entering hospice care when baby was 6 weeks old!

Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane as well- I pulled the plug when I was falling down rabbit holes as I didn’t think my supply was enough so decided it was time to stop! I had weird feelings for a bit afterwards that I’d failed but now I’m just super proud that I managed to perceive for as long as I did!

This. It's such a simple solution; why stress yourself agonizing over it? Everyone will be happier. Just drop the rope.