Not breastfeeding, think DD hates me - please tell me I'm NOT the worst mum ever! LONG.

[Sherida]

Quick explanation as to why I'm not breastfeeding. I had a c-section so in hospital for 3 days. DD had problems latching on, couldn't stay on, would only take my nipple into her mouth and couldn't seem to get milk. I expressed in hospital as even 8 different midwives couldn't get her to stay on me. At home was worse. I tried to bf at home but she wasn't latching on and getting hungry and frustrated. I ended up expressing.

DD is now 6 weeks old, and my milk is going. At first I expressed fine, then I had to give some formula feeds because I wasn't getting enough expressed, now I don't have enough to express properly and she's on all formula . My HV asked why I wasn't breastfeeding, so I explained and all she said was "oh". Asked me if I loved my daughter and tried to put me on anti depressants. I'm so miserable. I tried, I really did, tried until it hurt too much. I SO wanted to breastfeed, and make a point of doing it in public, and make sarky comments to people who gave me filthy looks .

I got an electric pump, and tried to express so hard I bruised my boobs. I was getting less and less now there's no point expressing at all. I did it on a regular basis and she loved my milk and I felt happy because at least she was getting breastmilk, even if not from the source. Now she's not, and I think she knows it. She doesn't look at me ever, while everyone around me is beginning to get lovely smiles. She's starting to hug her Daddy, all I am is something to fall asleep on. Recently she spent the night at her Nans, and I don't think she even missed me. Without breastfeeding or at least expressing she doesn't even need me. Anyone will do if they can make a bottle.

I feel so useless and bad, I'm sitting here crying because I just don't know what to do. Do formula fed babies love their mums as much as breastfed? Am I missing some crucial bonding thing I can never get back? She had a month of my milk before I felt I had to give up is that enough? Did I try hard enough? Can I get my milk back? Will she look at me and smile ever? I'm beginning to think I should have taken the anti depressants.

You poor thing. You are the one she relaxes enough to fall asleep on. She loves you!

She loves you! You're her Mum and she knew that from the very first second. You smell safe and secure in a bewildering world. She really does love you. She's not deliberately smiling at, or hugging others. She is a baby - she doesn't know how to do much deliberately at all, least of all something that complex (she'd have to know how you feel, how her behaviour would affect how you feel etc. which she can't possibly do yet - she barely knows she is separate entity in the world: look up theory of mind if you're not convinced)

I had really similar problems with breastfeeding and found that nipple shields saved the day. Could you give them a shot? My DD just could not latch on despite days and days of trying - she got it immediately with these though. Medela do them and so do Avent.

If you don't want to go back to bfing then could you try that method of bottle feeding that promotes attachment (can't remember what it's called, hopefully someone more knowledgeable will pop along in a minute). I think the basic idea is that you mimic nursing so same position (cradle I guess), skin to skin, search for her eyes lots, only you give her the bottle.

Look, I really know nothing about anything, but given what small babies are like, I guess you're still up. I am, and ds is 6 months now. Not to scare you, or anything. Please try to stay calm.

I think "bonding" as an instantaneous thing is unusual. Lots of women I know, including my mother and myself, took several months to learn to love our los, so I think your HV's question was crass and stupid. Having said that, I do think mybe you are suffering from some pnd - and no shame in that - so get yourself along to your gp today and have a chat. Do not do what I did, and outwit their oh-so-cunningly worded little questionnaire , as you need to get any depression picked up now so it can be treated.

Secondly, I don't really believe a baby as young as yours feels 'love' in the sense tht I think you mean it. I believe they are a bundle of instincts, and not a lot else for a while yet. They recognise those people who can satisfy their craving for food, warmth, comfort, and sleep, and turn towards them. You do all those things for her, and how you deliver nourishment makes no difference whatsoever to how much she wants you - and I ay this as a breastfeeder.

So yes, what I'm trying to say in my usual incoherent way is, yes, at this stage, I firmly believe it is normal for babies to take an 'anyone will do' attitude to carers, as long as their needs are being met. That is why you should jolly well leave her with her doting nan occasionally and have a guilt-free night out. You should make the most of it before she gets bigger, starts to 'love' you, and separation anxiety sets in.

I remember in the dark and early days of dd, I used to be so hurt that she would smile and relax for dh, but not for me. Looking back, I recognise now that I was oh so tense, and, being a perceptive small creature, she picked up on that. It made her upset, as I couldn't comfort her well. So do, please, see your gp or hv for a chat.

The question of relactating I shan't even attempt to address, as I'm no expert, but I do think you've got enough on your plate without beating yourself up over bf! You got the colostrum, the 'liquid gold', down her, and more, besides. Good on you.

Going to press 'post' now, only to see twenty people have leapt into the breach while I was typing one-handed....

Of course she loves you.

Ds was bottle fed as I had lots of problems. He wouldn't latch on and the MW and HV were bloody useless!! All they said was keep trying and then moaned he didnt put weight on properly. So he was bottle fed from 1 week old. He loves me(has a funny way of showing it at half 5 this morning) and we have lots of fun together. He is 1 now and I'm glad I bottle fed him.

I hope you feel better soon. As Frisbybat says at your DD's age, anyone will do really.

We're here if you need to talk.

Sherida - you are the world to your dd! My ds is 13 weeks now and i seem to recall it was around the 6 week mark he really started getting interested in his surroundings and engaging with other people.
She probably is still thinking that she is still a part of you.
You are doing a wonderful job with your lo. I honestly don't think the way you feed your baby will affect how she sees you. Nuturing a baby is more than just food! It's cuddles, smiles and just talking nonsense to her, making sure she is warmly dressed and clean and she has a safe place to sleep.
Your HV isn't being supportive at all, is there someone else you can see?
If you really want to have a final bash at breastfeeding I suggest you contact NCT or LaLecheLeague. This link to a Mumsnetter's blog has their numbers.
But regardless of whether you decided to bf again or carry on with ff you are still doing the best job you can to raise your dd.

Number one, I think you should go to the GP and just check up on PND. You do sound very down.
Your HV needs a course in how to deal with people. She is the one with a problem not you.
FWIW I stopped BF at 6 weeks with dd1 and 4 weeks with dd2. Very long story but it was awful.
Your baby does love you. My dd2 smiled at everyone but me for ages and I understand it does hurt, but, she thinks you are her, that she and her are linked in some way, so why waste a new smile on yourself?? Incidentely DD2 has just become the most affectinate liitle thing ever and it's taken 20 months so don't beat yourself up.
You're doing really really well.

I stopped BF-ing when my son was 6 weeks for similar reasons to you. I wish I hadn't spent such a long time beating myself up about it, as down the line it seems so unimportant. My son is healthy, happy and our relationship is fantastically close. Don't let feeding become a bigger issue than it is. What you need now is encouragement and support whatever you decide is best, so surround yourself with positive people and don't waste any more time feeling bad.

I think it can be such a shock if you're planning to BF and expecting to be a breast-feeding mum and then it all goes tits up (pardon the pun).

I gave up BF dd after awful problems at 6 weeks but felt so guilty, and so ashamed getting bottles out in public. But now she's a happy healthy 3 year old and we are incredibly close. I promise you it won't make your baby love you any less, you're projecting your feelings onto her!

Please speak to your GP as you sound very down. You gave BF your best shot and it will have given your dd a great start. I can honsetly say the fact that I ended up FF my dd really doesn't bother me now and I have subsequently successfully BF my second baby.

You poor poor woman. Can I just say that your HV is incredibly tactless, but that I'm sure the question about whether you love your daughter is connected to her suspicion you may have PND, than the fact that breastfeeding didn't go well for you. If I were you, I'd go to the GP - your HV may be a tactless cow, but I think she may be onto something re: PND.

You're definitely not missing some crucial bonding thing - I was ff from birth and I simply adore my mother. As does my ff sister. And it's a good thing your DD is hugging her daddy - the more people in her life to love, the better at loving she'll be, and the happier for it.

I'm not sure if you'll be able to relactate. Why not call one of the helplines - they may be able to advise?

As someone else said - your baby thinks they are you. Mine NEVER smiled at me, only dh, grandma, random old bloke in the street, but not me!

You can have skin to skin contact when bottlefeeding too. Cuddle her close to you, her skin against yours, when you feed. Stroke her and caress her. The physical closeness is good for both of you.
Embrace the fact that she will sleep and settle on you, because that is a demonstration of her security and how important you are to her. I used to love it when dd fell asleep in my arms - could spend hours like that and meant that I had a perfect excuse to just relax and luxuriate in her presence.
Regarding relactation, the skin on skin contact is important. Try offering her your breast before offering a bottle, and even if she doesn't latch on, and you still end up giving her a bottle, try and enjoy the physical contact on its own merits.
I do think that your HV was asking you about your love for her not as a criticism of your feeding, but more out of concern at the way your telling of what happened might indicate that you're feeling low and possibly depressed. It might be worthwhile talking to her again, or to your GP.
Good luck.

oh you poor think all this BF pressure and look what it does - your DD adores you you are and always will be her world and how you feed her is NOT important to her just how you love her...FWIW my mum bottle fed all 3 of us (in the 70's) and I adore her we are and always were very close
Please see your GP as if you have PND far more likely to affect your bond with her than how you feed her...
DOI I BF DD1 for 6 weeks and hated every minute but am still BF DD2 at 14 weeks and loving it ...and I love and have bonded with them both equally!!
THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MUM !

Oh Sherida - I am sure your dd loves you to bits. So sorry you have had such a crappy experience. In hospital your milk quite likely had not come in - mine came in day 6 so dd only had colostrum until then. Think there are a few issues.
Sounds like your hv is not being v helpful at all - she is the rubbish one, not you.
Did you try hard enough? certainly sounds like it to me!
Feeding - there are still options open to you. If you feel you want to, it is not too late to relactate, but I think you need a bf counsellors help. Are there any bf groups or cafes near you or you could try LLL, ABM or NCT?
Like Squigglywig - I had to use nipple shields - not ideal but they worked for us and saved the day so could be worth a try.
If not, of course you can still bond with your baby. Lots of skin to skin and cuddles and sure she will be gazing into your eyes and smiling soon.
PS - lol at the 'sarky comments' - see, you still have your sense of humour

So sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience with DS1 - just couldn't get him latched on at all and after 10 days of expressing I lost confidence in myself and put him onto formula. You've done absolutely brilliantly to express for so long. Honestly. It's so hard! I echo what the others are saying about going to your GP.
Try getting to a BF counsellor too - they might be able to help you with the latch.
It may only be a small consolation, but I did manage to BF DS2. It was hard at first, but I managed it, and he's 16 months old now and still BF.

Serida, so to read your post.

A lot has already been said here - you can relactate if you decide you want to, but it's a massive undertaking and you would find it hard to build up a full supply...chances are you did not get the right help to get bf going in the early days, or the support to express at least 8 x a day inc at least once at night which is the min. needed to build up and maintain a supply. It is really, really, hard to do this, and very time consuming.

It may not be a good idea for someone else to take your baby over night - occasionally help to give you a break is welcome, but not to 'take over'. You and your baby do need to be together, building your unique relationship. Babies do love their mothers and your baby does not and cannot judge you for how you feed - but you may both need special help to build on this innate love.

Perhaps you can find a trusted professional to talk to about your feelings and the possibility of medication, or counselling, or both....and there is no reason why you should not come through this difficult time.

Just need to explain this apparent ambiguity: I said, " Babies do love their mothers and your baby does not and cannot judge you for how you feed"

I meant your baby 'does not judge you and cannot judge you' not that your baby does not 'love' you !!!

Hi Sherida,

Just wanted you to know you are not the only one! I fully intended to bf - bought my brest friend pillow, medela electric pump, milk storage bags etc... But had so many problems (some detailed on this board!) and it was making me so emotional that even the bf counsellor called my HV one day and made her do an emergency visit as she thought I was so on the edge.

I made the decision last week to stop finally (as I had made countless decisions to stop only to try again but failing each time!) and I cried so much... But TBH, it was the best decision I have made. One week one, DS is thriving (he is till getting a couple of oz of EBM a day as I froze quite a lot of it...) but mostly FF. I am a lot happier and relaxed (even the HV commented on this yesterday when I took DS to the baby clinic) and she said DS looked a lot happier too! And told me I had to do the best thing for all of us and it looked like a right decision.

DS is 5 weeks + 3 days today and I am so enjoying him without worrying about bf-ing, expressing (my milk is finally drying up!) etc. And of course he loves me! And no doubt your daughter loves you... There's nothing to say you can't bond with your DD without bf-ing. When I feed DS, I always make sure he is facing me and I am concentrating on him and talking to him... Don't be tempted to watch TV etc.

AND DON'T BE MADE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT BF-ING... That was my problem. I was made to feel soooo guilty for wanting to stop that I started and stopped so many times... And the stress was driving me nuts and making DS stressed as well (was often crying over him trying to bf him). I can honestly say that he is so much calmer and happier in the last few days especially...

GL! You are not the only mummy who has been unable to bf and the month you have given her bf is already the best start possible ok. She's YOUR baby, start enjoying her!

Ax

Sherida, your post made me cry.

I was able to BF my DD, but I fully remember being convinced on and off for the first couple of months that she didn't love me and only wanted me for food. So please don't dwell on the feeding issue. You did your very best for your baby and I'm sure you will carry on doing that - it's just that her food will come from a bottle instead.

I don't know enough about PND to say whether you have it or not but it does sound as if you need to talk through the feeding issues with someone at least.

You sound like a lovely mum - don't beat yourself up about this. Your daughter will always love and need you.

Dear Sherida,
I felt similar to how you feel (had major probs bfeeding my ds) and it sounds to me that you are simply feeling depressed and guilty about breastfeeding and you are projecting how you feel about it onto your babe.

You have given bfeeding your very best shot, you have done your absolute best by your daughter - what more can she ask for?!!! Now all she needs is you - snuggle with her, cuddle her all the time, love her, that is all she needs!!

After a few weeks of hell trying to bfeed I bottle fed my ds (a mixture of ebm and formula) and found I could feel so close to him while ffeeding - for me much closer than going thru the nightmare of bfeeding.
I could look into his eyes (when he had them open of course - not often!) and I could cuddle him tight to me.

To be honest you don't get much back from a baby for what seems like a very very long time - it's a pretty thankless task for a while. But just cuddling and cuddling and enjoying being with her and eventually you'll realise you and her have this amazing bond that will never go away.

Oh and in response to your question:
NO YOU'RE NOT THE WORST MUM EVER!!!!

You're the very best mum in the world ever to your baby. You're feeling this way because you feel like you're not doing the best for her - that makes you a good mum, not a bad one.

Sherida - don't feel bad. I had similar issues to you (dd was also IUGR and tonguetied which I don't think helped) and so didn't breastfeed but expressed as much as I could for 6 weeks.

We all know breastmilk is best but it doesn't always work out like that. You have to do what is best in the circumstances. You will NOT bond less with your dd as a result of not breastfeeding (and that argument from people makes me so cross) - My dd is 3 and we have a very close bond and she is extremely healthy. What may affect your bond is if you are feeling depressed and worrying about it - so please take any help that is offered.

How are you today, Sherida? Have you asked anyone in rl for help? Hugs!

Sherida - like many mums, I really understand how you feel.

I lasted less than a fortnight with ds1 as we had problems (csection/jaundice/no prof support around) and it broke my heart to think I was going to ff as I had assumed I would! (the day I decided back then also coincided with National BF day which was a coincidence, so I could have decked the lady in Mothercare who was doing a survey on how babies fed! I really gave myself a hard time about it, on one hand I knew I had done the best I could, but on the other I felt cr@p as hearing the positive points to go with BF I felt like I was failing him.

Please, don't beat yourself up about it the same way I did. I did end up with PND (moving around didn't help either) I used to feel terrible guilt that even with PND my baby would be at a disadvantage and not like me.. how wrong was I?! I have a ton of photos of a very happy baby who was brought up on ff, and memories of him crying when I left the room because he wanted to be with me!
Your baby does need you, it wont be long before you get the smiles.. it's NOT personal that everyone else got them first!

DS1 is nearly 5yrs and I promise you, he has been a very healthy (bar the snotty noses they all give when they start school) happy little boy who often tells me in public and randomly that he loves me which makes many a stranger go all gooey