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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Not breastfeeding, think DD hates me - please tell me I'm NOT the worst mum ever! LONG.

47 replies

Sherida · 01/04/2008 05:26

Quick explanation as to why I'm not breastfeeding. I had a c-section so in hospital for 3 days. DD had problems latching on, couldn't stay on, would only take my nipple into her mouth and couldn't seem to get milk. I expressed in hospital as even 8 different midwives couldn't get her to stay on me. At home was worse. I tried to bf at home but she wasn't latching on and getting hungry and frustrated. I ended up expressing.

DD is now 6 weeks old, and my milk is going. At first I expressed fine, then I had to give some formula feeds because I wasn't getting enough expressed, now I don't have enough to express properly and she's on all formula . My HV asked why I wasn't breastfeeding, so I explained and all she said was "oh". Asked me if I loved my daughter and tried to put me on anti depressants. I'm so miserable. I tried, I really did, tried until it hurt too much. I SO wanted to breastfeed, and make a point of doing it in public, and make sarky comments to people who gave me filthy looks .

I got an electric pump, and tried to express so hard I bruised my boobs. I was getting less and less now there's no point expressing at all. I did it on a regular basis and she loved my milk and I felt happy because at least she was getting breastmilk, even if not from the source. Now she's not, and I think she knows it. She doesn't look at me ever, while everyone around me is beginning to get lovely smiles. She's starting to hug her Daddy, all I am is something to fall asleep on. Recently she spent the night at her Nans, and I don't think she even missed me. Without breastfeeding or at least expressing she doesn't even need me. Anyone will do if they can make a bottle.

I feel so useless and bad, I'm sitting here crying because I just don't know what to do. Do formula fed babies love their mums as much as breastfed? Am I missing some crucial bonding thing I can never get back? She had a month of my milk before I felt I had to give up is that enough? Did I try hard enough? Can I get my milk back? Will she look at me and smile ever? I'm beginning to think I should have taken the anti depressants.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 01/04/2008 15:03

Good advice on this thread.
Your baby does not hate you - as someone else says it is probably because you are her world that you don't get the smiles etc, at the moment as far as you're concerned she's still part of you.
Yes, anyone can make a bottle but no-one can love her and provide what she needs like you can - you're her mum!

nickytwotimes · 01/04/2008 15:10

Oh, Sherida, some of the things you've said could have been me a year and a half ago. I had similar probs bfing and gave expressed milk from week2 to week4 then it ran out. i honestly felt that if i couldn't feed my baby, he wouldn't love me because, like you write, anyone can give a bottle. I was so wrong though. Ds is now 20 mths and loves me so much it makes my heart want to burst. i was convinced for a long time that he preferred dh to me, but he doesn't at all. Daddy is a wonderful plaything, mummy is his world.
You did your best to bf as I did which is all you can do. Your baby still got the very best start in life and will still know she is loved and loves you too.
Could you go and see a more sympathetic health professional? you could be a bit depressed and need some support, be it talking or even tablets in the short term. hope you feel better soon. you are a good mummy.

Original poster

Sherida · 01/04/2008 15:29

Thanks all for all of your replies, esp those who said that she may still think she is part of me (and of course she is!), that made me feel a LOT better. Am going to doctors this afternoon. I don't really want to go on tablets but I will see what the doc says. I have shown this thread to my DH and he understands and wants to make me happy.

Thanks again for all your support, will try not to beat myself up for not bf'ing, as someone said she had the colostrum and then some so she has had a good start.

OP posts:

Pinkjenny · 01/04/2008 15:32

I felt a bit like this too when dd was born -she's 10.5mo now and we are besotted with each other. A book I read at the time really helped me - called 'What Mothers Do'. Can't remember who wrote it, but put it into Amazon and you'll find it.

It gets so much better, I promise you.

Egg · 01/04/2008 15:38

Sherida please come back over to the Feb thread (we have now moved to postnatal) and we will give you lots of love and support. There's always others feeling as crap as each other and we seem to be doing a good job of supporting each other.

I am not bf-ing. I tried for 3 days and gave up. My babies still love me, they follow me round the room with their eyes and smile at me just as much as DS1 did (who was bf). I didn't make half (or even 2%) as much effort as you have done to breastfeed, please don't think it is your fault. Even if you hadn't tried so darn hard and just didn't feel able your DD would still love you.

Because I have two babies and a toddler I often feel that I neglect the babies a bit and don't cuddle them enough and that they must think I am coldhearted sometimes but I know deep down that they don't (I hope).

You sound like you are doing a grand job .

Egg · 01/04/2008 15:39

Sherida we are over here if you want to come and say hello again. There are a lot of ladies here who have moved to formula recently and are feeling a bit blue about it.

MollyMonkey · 01/04/2008 15:44

If it's any consolation I used to beat myself up that my DD seemed to relax more with everyone else than me - why could everyone except me get her to stop crying and go to sleep. However over the last couple of weeks (she is now 13 weeks) I have definitely become the favourite. I am now the one who nearly always knows wht is wrong, and I am the only one who can always comfort her, make her smile and sooth her to sleep. I can't tell you how special this makes me feel - it was worth waiting for and worth all the pain in the early days of thinking she didn't love me as much as DH.

Pinkjenny · 01/04/2008 15:56

Soon you'll be wishing someone else would be able to comfort her! My dd still wakes up lots and lots, and only mummy will do. I wish she'd settle for daddy sometimes!!

beansprout · 01/04/2008 16:06

Sherida - your dd absolutely loves you, babies always love their mums, especially when the mum is as committed and loving as you so clearly are!

Please do come and join us on the February thread, having mums with babies of the same age who are going through similar things can make the world of difference.

My bonding with ds2 was tricky. I spent a good while thinking he was funny looking and detracting me from the main business of ds1 but am now finding my heart starting to melt!!

Egg · 01/04/2008 16:07

LOL Beany I thought DD was funny looking too! She had a bent nose and looked like a little old lady when she was all skinny. Now I look at her and think she is so beautiful .

StealthPolarBear · 01/04/2008 16:12

glad you are going to the docs, hope you are able to get as much help as you need.
You are probably doing this already, but bonding-wise have plenty of skin to skin contact with your DD, spend plenty of time just chatting to her and playing with her. Feed her cuddling her close.
This won't make her love you more - I doubt anything could, but might convince you of that fact!
Yes, you tried hard enough - the fact you're even questioning and doubting yourself shows that.

StealthPolarBear · 01/04/2008 16:13

my ds was funny looking, I didn't see it at the time, but see the bounty photo on my profile. They really got his red and wrinkly side

mammyofET · 01/04/2008 16:19

Sherida,

I could've written your post about the C-section and the BFing and the expressing and then the guilt. I felt awful at being unable to bf and so bad on my 'poor ds'. Thankfully I had a good HV who told me that I had to 'get over it' in the nicest way possible. She said that I had to move on and put it behind me. She also said that over a lifetime BFing is only one thing that you do for your DC and in the general scheme of things there will be lots of things that you will do to help your DC be healthy, happy etc. This made sense to me eventually and I was able to put it behind me and get on.

Your DD needs you and loves you regardless of BFing.

sarahmikeharryandrosie · 01/04/2008 16:46

Oh Sherida- so sorry to hear your feeling down about stopping breatfeeding- You really should not feel bad about it- you have put so much effort in and it just is not meant to be anylonger- Your baby will worship the ground you walk on regardless how she is fed!!!

I personally chose not to breast feed either of my DC's its just something i was not comfortable with- and i know i am frowned upon but its my decision- my DC's are both healthy and i feel my choice has been right- so please do not feel bad- you tried and managed with all the pain for 6 weeks!!!

Come back to feb thread and we can all help you get through this- i hope all goes well at the docs later today-

please let us know how you get on!!! sending love your way

Martha200 · 01/04/2008 17:20

Sherida - glad people's posts can be of some support to you, but would like to add (again) what winnie has to say.. defintely reminds me.. the moments I was able to chill with ds1, he was always much calmer, they really do pick up on our emotions.. and sometimes that meant for me going have a ten minute cup of tea (whilst ds1 screaming away, though I know he'd been fed etc) and then approaching him again in a more positive frame of mind.

If you do end up on tablets it really doesn't mean you have to be on them forever, they may or may not help but again it doesn't mean you are a failure.

There is a bigger picture out there too.. as a mum again to a 10 wk old, loads of people have been VERY interested at the school gate to how I feed ds2.. I often wonder why and wish I had the guts to wind them up and say my best friend or something!.. as it's not like ff or bf has resulted in how some of their children behave for instance

snig · 01/04/2008 17:37

please don't beat yourself up about bfing, i had same probs and for the first two weeks of ds1 and ds2 lives i was completely stressed out. i put so much pressure on myself and was feeding constantly but they never seemed to be satisified. then i started combined feeding and that has worked for me, bf first and then bottle top up.
it reasures me that so many other women have simalar probs, it males me fill that i'm not a failure. formula was invented for a reason so that babies who had probs feeding for wahtever reason didn't die. you are a good mum and your baby loves you,

Original poster

Sherida · 01/04/2008 19:16

Hi, been to the docs and have moved back over to the Feb postnatal board.

Doc has said that lots of women don't manage to bf, and that ff is fine. I don't belieeeeeeeve her lol!

On the bright side, I put DD down to sleep, and when she realised I wasn't there she screamed. OK I know I shouldn't be happy that DD was crying, but that she missed me.

Thanks for the support, cya on the feb thread. BIG hugs to anyone feeling the same.
xxx

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 01/04/2008 19:19

good news!

kayzisbroody · 01/04/2008 20:22

Thats great news!!!

LOVEMYMUM · 02/04/2008 08:35

Hi. My dd is 5 weeks old and am giving her breast and bottle. My friend is a GP with 3 children under 8. I asked her for her advice, and she said that she had to promote breastfeeding but as a mother, go and get bottles to have a break! DD is happier now as her little tummy is more full. Hope this helps.

GColdtimer · 02/04/2008 08:54

so glad you are feeling a bit better. I gave up bf at 6 weeks and thought I would never stop crying, I really didn't want to but it just didn't work out. I don't think anyone else gave her a bottle until she was 10 weeks because I didn't want her to love anyone else more than me. I know exactly how you are feeling and you will get over this sadness and regret. I promise. There has been some great advice on here - loads of us have been through similar and I hope you get some comfort from others.

I won't effect how you bond with and how much your dd loves you. In fact, in all honesty, when I stopped bf and stopped beating myself up about it was when I bonded more with my dd because I was less anxious.

I hope you have a better day today. xx

leesmum · 02/04/2008 10:06

Sherida big hugs to you, you are a fab mum and your daughter will love you forever no matter how she's being fed, see you on post natal thread xx

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