No routine. No hope.

[justtryingtodad]

My son is now 4 weeks old. He doesn’t have a pattern for feeding or sleeping. I can’t get anything done other than look after him badly when I’m not at work. Won’t go down anywhere to sleep for more than about 20 minutes. I’ve just gone back to work. My wife is pretty much broken from dealing with it during the day. What are we doing wrong? I don’t think I can take many more days of this. I’m viewing my own sleep as a pointless waste of time.

I don’t think any four week old babies have any sort of pattern for sleeping or feeding I’m afraid, it’s completely normal. It’s extremely hard - no one can prepare you for how hard it is.

Things tend to get a bit easier around the 6-8 week mark, then 3 months, and so on. Everything is about survival when they’re this tiny.

Baby is still trying to figure out the world, still thinks it’s in Mum’s womb. Google the fourth trimester.

What support do you have, if any? Is baby breastfed, bottle fed or a bit of both? Any issues with reflux, colic etc?

You’re not doing anything wrong. Newborns are mostly just brutal. It is so tough but it won’t be like this forever.

4 weeks is very young. Will baby sleep in a sling? Or in a buggy after a walk? And do sleep at night to get more rest for everyone.

By 8 weeks baby will start to get a rhythm but it can't take months so you have to be patient.

Of course your baby doesn’t have a sleep or feeding pattern at 4 weeks old, it’s a new born baby!
Your wife should spend her days feeding and sleeping and you can do some housework when you get home.

I’m Yet to be directed to a good definition of what colic actually is so if anyone could support with that it would be fantastic. He’s fed with expressed milk. Unless he decides he only wants a tiny amount or feeds and throws up so much we end up giving him quite a lot of formula as well. I don’t even know what support we could ask for. I just don’t see anything helping.

It feels like everyone I speak to either has done a better job or found things easier than this.

You're not doing anything wrong, at all. Tiny babies don't sleep like adults do, and they often prefer to be held rather than put down.

How is baby fed? Try and work out how both of you can get a reasonable chunk of sleep. If you're formula feeding than you can do the early evening whilst your wife sleeps, and then she can do overnight and you can do early morning, for example.

If she's breastfeeding then you can take the baby straight after a feed during the early evening so she can sleep. If she can work out how to sleep lying down that can help overnight if you have a bedside cot.

Also, if you have any close family, ask for some help. A family member could take the baby out for a walk straight after a feed at the weekend and you could both grab some rest.

Having a baby is very hard work. Support could be somebody coming in to cook or clean or look after the baby while you have a nap or a shower.

Why is your wife expressing? Direct breastfeeding or using just formula would be less work, assuming there's not a barrier to either of those.

Colic is just long periods of unexplained crying/unsettled behaviour.

Op this is completely normal for a newborn. They’re only 4 weeks old, you really can’t expect a feeding and sleeping routine when they’re so young. By 2 or 3 months old there may be a bit more of a routine, but it’s still normal for babies not to have one until a lot older. It’s hard, but not much you can do about it unfortunately. Your wife I’m assuming is on maternity leave, so can look after baby in the day, and you can help when you get home from work and give her a break then. Both share the housework and take it in turns to do housework and look after baby. Same for sleeping at night.

Nobody finds it easy! They’ve either forgotten the blurry early days or they’re skimming over the details.
Take each day as it comes. Do shifts. Newborn weeks, I would go to bed almost as soon as husband home from work, he would feed babe before he came to bed and then I would do the night shifts. Find something that works for you so that everyone can get some sleep.

Speak to your HV if baby throwing up lots - could be over fed or something else.

Also, lots of people have had exactly the same experience! People tend to forget and minimise over time, or not go into details. Or they don't want to admit they were struggling.

You sound really hard on yourself and I'm sure you're doing your best! This is why everyone says having a newborn is hard- because it really is!
It gets better the older they get. 4 weeks is tiny, cat napping is normal, baby will be sleeping quite a lot.
Both of mine have been big vomiters - it's usually rectified itself over time. How are you giving the bottles ? Are you trying to pace feed? Make sure you hold baby upright for 10 mins after a bottle.

Also always burp the baby! And leave the housework.

If it's any consolation, we found the first 6 weeks horrific so you're not alone. Constant feeding, almost no sleep for baby or us. Nothing like I'd thought it would be (I was imagining I'd be feeding every 2-3 hours and that in between feeds I'd be able to put baby down/sleep 🙄). BUT it was so much better from around 8-10 weeks in terms of sleep and feeding. No baby has a routine at 4 weeks but we had a bedtime routine by around 3 months, and a daytime routine in terms of naps and meals fell into place from 6 months.

Damage unfortunately. They told us at birth he was tongue tied which we think may have caused a poor latch but nobody has definitively said what we should do about it. Our thought was we would rather let him have the breast milk if supply is good.

By support I mean family or friends who you can lean on to help with things here and there. Or even another group of new parents (eg an NCT group) who can relate and provide emotional support.

Have you tried a dummy? White noise?

Believe me, everyone finds it difficult - they just won’t be as honest about it. My husband and I found it absolutely dreadful and we both had feelings of regret. I had some very dark thoughts. It eventually passed and we love our children to bits. No regrets. It takes time though.

I would really recommend your wife goes along to a local breast feeding support group. They can help with the match and feeding and it could make the world of difference! I found the support and advice given saved my sanity.

@justtryingtodad If he is tongue tied you should get him checked and get it cut. You can check with your HV if you can get this done on NHS but more likely private lactation consultant ( I think about £100 but I might be out of date).
Find local breastfeeding group for support if HVs no good.
Remember that pumping is less efficient way to feed baby and will make each feed take twice as long for your partner.

I'm sure you’re doing better than you feel you are right now. If you want to share what you’re experiencing I’m sure people will reassure you of this or provide useful tips.

In that case, if your wife is still keen on the idea of breastfeeding and/or you feel baby isn’t feeding well at the bottle, push for the tongue tie to be looked at again or go privately if you can afford it.

However, pumping is the worst of both worlds to be honest. You lose the convenience of breastfeeding and formula feeding. It’s exhausting and just adds another task to an already busy and tiring schedule. There’s no harm in moving solely onto formula. We formula fed our second baby from four weeks old and it’s the best decision I ever made (first baby was exclusively breastfed for a year).

If it's not been done, then push the HV to get the tongue tie snipped or have it done privately if you can.

You can also get back to direct breastfeeding after expressing for a while. Nipple shields can help, as can trying different feeding positions and an exaggerated latch (flipple technique).

Lots of us have been in the same kind of situation, honestly. It's hard work but you will get through it.

Honestly, you’re doing just as well as anyone else and your baby’s lack of routine is very much standard at that age. The expressing is hard work on top of the lack of sleep and everything else. Ask your HV about the tongue tie. Have you had any support from a lactation consultant on the latch?

Best tips I have are baby wearing almost constantly and co-sleeping.

It won’t be that many more days. Baby sleep mostly gets better by itself. Slowly though, not usually going from waking every hour to sleeping through the night, for example.
Newborns haven’t got a clue what’s going on and have a tendency to be super awake just when you want to go to sleep in the evening (witching hour) I read a theory that it’s because in the womb they get really active when mum goes still as she lies down to sleep. Walking round during the day soothes unborn babies to sleep, and stopping signals wake up time!
It gets better when they start to figure out day and night. A bit more time is what you need.

Mine were the same as your first post at that age.

It's ok not to have a routine at that age. I don't think mine got into an actual routine until about 7+ months.

Meet babys needs firstly, then work out helping each other out so taking it in turns to have baby overnight etc.

Give yourselves a bit of credit too.

Have you tried white noise ? I use the app called "sleep baby", with the vacuum cleaner my LO falls asleep almost immediately.

You aren't doing anything wrong, it's just early days and you're still all working each other out.

Just formula feeding might be better than expressing
Could he have reflux if he's a sicky baby?
I'd also try a dummy and white noise

Regarding other people being “better” at it:

1. some babies are just easier than others, in fact there is a massive range.
2. People forget what it was really like.
3. People lie because they want to look sorted.

Often the “harder” babies have feeding issues such as tongue tie. They are hungrier, windier, more tired as the wind/hunger keeps them awake, frustrated.

Get the tongue tie cut. If you have £150 (may be a bit more now) to see a lactation consultant you can get it done privately. It was massively helpful for us.

Agree pumping and bottle feeding is the most exhausting of all worlds.