I feel like I’m in hell

[Al991]

My baby is 5 days old and I feel like feeding issues are genuinely ruining my life.

Since she was born my baby has been struggling to latch on from the beginning, often rooting around on the breast unable to latch and becoming extremely distressed over it.

I can tell she’s not getting a good latch because even though she’s sucking it’s more suckling than anything - I can tell it’s not deep enough from the couple of times it has been and the fact she tries to feed 24 hours a day and is always always hungry.

I mean 100% of the time she wants to be on the breast. If she’s not she screams the house down. She never sleeps. I sleep on average 2 hours in a 24 hour period.

I have been in contact with midwives and
Infant feeding workers every day and we never seem to get anywhere. They just say feed every 2 hours, and top up with pumping/formula. I know she’s not latching properly but they’ve looked and says it’s ok - it’s not.

My baby is miserable, I’m losing my mind. Me and dp don’t have a relationship anymore we just scream at each other.

i just want my child fed and happy.

We have a tongue tie referral so I’m hoping to get the procedure, but don’t know if it will help or how we will survive until then

Formula/pumping and bottle feeding is always an option.
If nothing else it lets your partner help.

The most important thing is that mum and baby are happy and healthy.

It's awful. I felt like I lost my mind a bit at the beginning of breast feeding both of mine.
I don't have advice as mine experience was similarly awful but just to say with both my children it got better. I stuck it out, pumped, used nipple shields when they got sore, kept on meeting with the professionals and got there in the end.
Breastfeeding is f**king hard work to begin with. It wasn't what I expected at all.
If you really hate it, you don't have to do it.

Babies do try and feed constantly at that age, it doesn’t mean she’s not getting anything. What’s her weight doing? Wet and dirty nappies? Your partner shouldn’t be shouting they should be doing whatever you need to feel comfortable.

Or if it’s all too much you don’t have to do it.

Could you paid for a lactation consultant? The breastfeeding care in this country is shocking

I remember feeling exactly like this.

My advice is to keep pushing every health professional for help. All the time. Breast feeding support is not what it should be but if you shout loud enough you can find it. I got my miracle moment several weeks in (I forget how many weeks but it was quite a few) when they eventually sent over the one bf specialist midwife that existed in my city. She sorted me out very quickly and it was a like a light had been switched on.

Don’t feel bad if you decide to switch to formula or even just top up with formula. Your health is the most important thing.

You’re doing a great job, the first few weeks of breastfeeding my first were hell. We rode it out with nipple shields and topping up with expressed milk and about 3/4 weeks in he was feeding like a trooper. The big thing that helped was going to a local breastfeeding support group where they showed me alternative ways to hold, I can’t remember the name of the position but essentially me reclining, a rolled up muslin under my boob to point it upwards and baby on me with arm to support. Much better than the terrible support I had in hospital! Have you considered going private for tongue tie?

You don’t need permission from anyone to do anything. If you need to switch to formula just do it, for your baby, for yourself and your sanity.

Switch to formula. Your baby needs milk and won’t settle until she’s full up. There is so much pressure to breast feed. It’s not always best. You might not have enough milk coming through.

Oh you poor thing, it’s really really tough. Especially in the early days.

It’s often pot luck what kind of responses you get here and today it’s almost all telling you to just switch to formula, and that’s ok if you want to, but it’s also not a magic bullet.

breastfeeding in the early days is really hard - assuming by day 5 your milk has come in? Babies don’t all actively feed the whole time they are at the breast, suckling for comfort is common, and also so increase supply especially overnight when prolactin levels are high (breastmilk is on a supply and demand process, you can think of it as baby putting in their order for tomorrow). So I wouldn’t worry about the constant feeding for now, it’s not a problem in its own right.

but how are you doing? How was birth? Are you recovering from trauma or was it broadly ok? In my experience that will have a big impact on how you’re feeling right now. And even with a good birth it’s common to be a bit weepy around now.

is feeding painful? I believe you about the shallow latch, but is it causing pain? Tongue tie is a potential problem - does your hospital offer a drop in feeding clinic where they can assess and divide if needed? Or can you access a private lactation consultant (needs to be IBCLC).

There are a few things you can do to help latch, the flipple technique is good, or you can get baby to self latch while you are lying down. You can also try a variety of positions including having baby upright if that helps.

breastfeeding is quite honestly one of the most difficult things I have ever done!! I had two tongue tied babies, one with severe reflux. But it does get easier, and once you crack it it’s way better than preparing bottle feeds.

Oh and for now just try and sleep when baby does. You might find that’s in the day at present.

Please give your baby some formula. I’m reading this back and I had exactly the same experience. I beat myself up pumping and trying to get breastfeeding to work. Baby is hungry and unsettled and needs milk. I look back and wish I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself.

I would just FF which is no guarantee either but surely feeding a baby is better than the stress the baby must be under by going through all this?

Totally agree with this!
Just stop. It’s feels like a big deal now but is actually the least important decision you will ever make as a parent.

I know. Also, your desire to breastfeed shouldn’t trump the baby’s need to be fed. I don’t mean that in a harsh way but it might give you a different perspective. Babies need sleep for their development and a hungry baby isn’t going to sleep.

Oh gosh, I feel you. It gets better, I promise. This heat can't be helping.

I was also a "only getting 2 hours of sleep a day" newborn mum for the same reasons and it's HARD, so just wanted to reply to say you're not alone. I promise, I'm a few weeks you'll look back on this and think "wow, I survived that!".

They do want to feed constantly at this age though. Well done you for breastfeeding but also, if it's too much it's okay to think of your own sanity and feed pumped milk or formula. In fact, it's better than okay if that's what's needed to keep you all sane!

I agree, the midwives and feeding teams are exhausting. It does otherwise sounds like you're taking good steps though. I also used Le Leche League, they have phone helplines and our local baby group had a free lactation expert (who can also help with pumping and supplementing with formula, if you need help with that).

Good luck and congratulations.

Oh and just to say, if you really want to con to carry on breastfeeding: I did too. About this point, I decided to give up, I couldn't take it any more. I called my mum to tell her, I got advice on formula from the midwives and DH went out and bought formula. Breast feeding suddenly just worked after that. I realised that half the problem was the huge mental pressure I was putting on myself to do it. Once that pressure was lifted, things went so much more smoothly. We're 18 months in now and she's never had formula and still breastfeeds!

All to say, it might really help to relieve some of the pressure if you take the pressure off yourself to breastfeed, somehow.

How are baby's nappies? If you're getting plenty of wet and dirty nappies then baby is getting enough milk. What's baby's 5 day weight loss?

Have you looked at additional support in your area? There are quite often breastfeeding support groups you can attend. They also usually have tea and cake so worth going just for a hot drink and some people in the same situation to chat with.

FF is also an option but if you are determined to breastfeed then stick at it, it can be very rewarding once you've cracked it.

Ignore all housework and other things for now and just soak up your new baby. Try and relax as best you can as feeling stressed and anxious will impact how your feeding sessions go. Take care of yourself.

Have you tried different positions? Rubgy hold helped ms get breastfeeding established.

Those early days of breastfeeding are hard. But once it works, it will suddenly feel so much easier.

Try an take the pressure off, give baby a bottle of formula, she gets fed, you will feel better, you can still keep trying to bf, but there is nothing wrong with giving both of you a rest from it, re-setting and trying again. I think even having formula/bottle in the house takes pressure off, I did this in the beginning and bf both for around 6 months, and they were probably 90%bf, but having the bottle option allowed me some breathing space.

15 years ago I was in your position.
DS didn't have tongue tie, he just wasn't into breast feeding.

When he was a week old, had lost 24% of his birth weight, I'd also lost my mind, and we were still in hospital, a midwife asked if I minded if she gave him a bottle of formula. I didn't mind.

Half an hour later ds was happy, I was happy and we were sent home the following day. He's 15 later this week, very tall, not too stupid.

Try a bottle of formula. If that's what it takes, do it. There are many ways to nurture a child; how you feed them as an infant is only one of them.

It's early days yet and it's brutal. Not going to lie. I've had to mix both my kids. I wouldn't pump yet, it's not recommended until 4 plus wks to let your supply regulate you could easily end up with an over supply.

Mine had issues latching to the left breast so I did a taco hold and sandwiched my breast just above nipple to allow a better latch. They still have such tiny mouths and haven't got the strength at 5 days old. The first four weeks is spent with baby basically on the boob or asleep. And every hour to hour and a half is completely normal. Ignore the 3 hrs that everyone is going on about these days.

I've found the kellymom website super helpful. It's American so slightly different guidelines but some of the tips really do work and this website helped massively www.firstlatch.com/latest-news/handy-latching-tips

If it doesn't work speak to your midwife, think you'll be seen today if it's day 5. Ask them the help you. Or call you labour ward they will have you both in for a feeding session to help.

Good luck and it will get better. With whatever option you go for. Remember it's the 4th trimester and it's the worst one by far.

A1991 whereabouts in the country are you ? Have you a date yet for TT assessment?

Oh and don't stress too much about weight loss just yet. Took both of mine 3 wks to regain birth weight as long as theyre gaining and don't fall below 7%, try not to worry about it.

I know easier said than done. Keep an eye on nappies for wet ones and I think day 5 is when the meconium starts to really change.

I was told my baby didn't have a tongue tie by midwives and other professionals.

I ended up supplementing with formula until I worked out you can see tongue tie specialists privately

I made an appt, they had a look and told me she had a 90% tongue tie. They released it immediately and breastfeeding was much easier after that. Baby put on weight and I was able to phase out formula.

Tongue and lip ties aren't so obvious so you really should be seeking someone who deals with this sort of thing exclusively.

Ask for a recommendation from your midwife or google it
They can usually see you within days

Thank you all.

We went in again today for our day 5 and she has lost more weight - her weight loss is now nearly 14%. I’m wracked with worry and guilt. I am sleep deprived and I hate myself.

Tongue tie referral has gone in but not sure of when appointment is yet or how long it will be. I will think about private - we don’t really have much money.

We’ve decided to do formula alongside bf. I totally agree with those on here that wa ring to bf doesn’t trump her needs. Honestly I wish they’d told me just to do bottle, but they’re said to try combination first. I just want her to be well - I don’t care about stigma etc!!

How's her weight?