I feel like I’m in hell

[Al991]

My baby is 5 days old and I feel like feeding issues are genuinely ruining my life.

Since she was born my baby has been struggling to latch on from the beginning, often rooting around on the breast unable to latch and becoming extremely distressed over it.

I can tell she’s not getting a good latch because even though she’s sucking it’s more suckling than anything - I can tell it’s not deep enough from the couple of times it has been and the fact she tries to feed 24 hours a day and is always always hungry.

I mean 100% of the time she wants to be on the breast. If she’s not she screams the house down. She never sleeps. I sleep on average 2 hours in a 24 hour period.

I have been in contact with midwives and
Infant feeding workers every day and we never seem to get anywhere. They just say feed every 2 hours, and top up with pumping/formula. I know she’s not latching properly but they’ve looked and says it’s ok - it’s not.

My baby is miserable, I’m losing my mind. Me and dp don’t have a relationship anymore we just scream at each other.

i just want my child fed and happy.

We have a tongue tie referral so I’m hoping to get the procedure, but don’t know if it will help or how we will survive until then

Congratulations on your baby - you can’t survive on just two hours sleep. Use formula. My DT’s had formula only and it’s amazing. Get a Perfect Prep machine and friends and family can help with giving bottles.

I feel for you. I stopped BF on day 5. It was the best decision I ever made. I went from an unsettled and unhappy baby and an even more unhappy mother who resented every moment the baby was awake to a settled baby and a much more relaxed mother. I could have persevered but I'd always have questioned the cost to me and my mental health. My midwife was the one who told me to switch to FF and I was so grateful to her.

I've been where you are, @Al991, and it's miserable. I was devastated, felt like I'd failed my baby etc. We got her tongue tie snipped privately (I think it was about £200) and it did make a difference, but feeding was still difficult and I pushed myself to the edge.

In hindsight, I wish I'd just given DD formula. I completely ruined the first few weeks of her life for both of us by stressing and crying and agonising over it. I wish now I'd just enjoyed my baby and used the damn formula sooner.

Well done. Fed is best, remember that.

@RedPandaFluff i totally agree. I had a private assessment too but because it was lockdown nobody was able to help me until about week 7 so even after she only managed to latch with shields. I spent hours pumping. I look back now and wish I’d just switched to formula and enjoyed my baby!

Get a private lactation consultant. It will save your sanity.

@edgeware did you miss the part about the OP not having a lot of money.

Combi worked well for my ds and me! The relief after 3 nights of 6hrs uninterrupted sleep was immeasurable. I was rested, could think clearly. Everyone was happier.

Also. Could you pump and bottle feed her your milk?

Medela nipple shields saved my journey while I got my head straight and latch sorted.

I've breastfed 3 kids and am a big breastfeeding champion. However, I think formula is a great substitute. Breastfeeding spoiled the first few weeks of each of my babies' lives (for me) and while it turned out alright in the end, it was brutal. If you're not fussed, just go onto formula and enjoy your baby. If you really do want to breastfeed, that's a different story with a more complicated pathway but is doable.

@Plumful I paid £70 and it fixed all my feeding issues with my first. It’s not nothing but also don’t consider it an obscene amount.

@edgeware especially if offset against the cost of a year of formula, which is very expensive.

Look up your local breastfeeding support clinic. Hopefully you'll have a children's centre in your area that runs them. I volunteer at these clinics as a peer supporter and there's always a HV there as well. You can go along for a chat, support, help with latching, positions, advice on combi feeding, a cry - whatever! The only time limit is how long the clinic is and the HV is there to refer you to more specialist help if they feel necessary.

You're doing amazingly well. My DD had a tongue tie and we had to combi feed at first but then was able to move back to exclusively bf once it was cut - but that was what was right for us. I'm a massive breastfeeding advocate but not to the detriment of any mothers mental health and wellbeing.

Good luck - you're doing so well and already a great Mummy doing the best for your little one! Xx

I'm mixed feeding mine currently and did with my eldest as well. Personally, I think it's the best off both worlds. It offers reassurance and flexibility. For me at least.

Once you get into the swing of it, it becomes easier. It's a faff at first getting into the rhythm of both. I suggest having two lots of bottles so ypu always have a clean set ready to go if you don't get time to make up feeds before hand. Shock and horror, I make up 4-6 bottles and store in the fridge and then have plenty clean in the steriliser

I had excellent support from a lactation specialist at the hospital, if they aren’t useful could you ask to see a different person for a fresh perspective?

I also found a wealth of information from local breastfeeding groups even though I didn’t actually attend in person in the end. Do a Facebook search for the area you live in and breastfeeding/ breastfeeding support. There is also a group called breastfeeding and lactation support.

Well done for persevering- every drop your baby receives is great. I remember my GP saying breastfeeding isn’t easy in the beginning but it will be after the initial weeks, and she was absolutely right. Wishing you the best of luck.

Forgot to mention I also used the breastfeeding helpline, and you can access more help and support from websites/ meet ups on Le Leche League GB. Kellymom website is another that is good for online help.

For my bottle fed and breast fed they almost constantly fed early days that's part of babies lol

Op that sounds incredibly stressful. My ds had a tongue tie and he lost over 10% of his weight and it was a massive struggle to get it back up again. I literally had to shut the door, say no to any visitors and I just did near constant skin to skin in bed or in the bath (winter baby so it was cold) and let him sleep nose to nipple during the day to encourage him to latch whenever he wanted.

If you're feeling that your wee one isn't draining the breast at all I'd be inclined to pump after feeds. It will let you build a stash and maybe supplement as well.

I'd join a la leche league bf support group, they were an invaluable support to me when I was struggling and very supportive. I also found it helpful that it showed me that breastfeeding looks lots of different ways. It's not always exclusive feeding from the breast the way it's often advertised as.

Ds had his tt referral lost, it should come through within a couple of days and I didn't know that so I was waiting weeks and by then we had figured an awkward latch out and they refused to cut it. Then he dropped a huge amount of weight and I had to go private to get it cut at 5mths. So chase it and keep fighting for it. I'd also ask if your hospital has a pump they can lend you and ask to meet their lactation consultant/ infant feeding coordinator to develop a feeding/ pumping schedule.

So many mums go through this, you're not alone, you're not doing anything wrong and the early weeks are hard enough as it is when things are going smoothly. You're doing exactly what your baby needs you to do by asking for support and following your instincts. If you join a bf support group there will be lots of mums who've been exactly where you are and they'll be able to offer emotional support and practical advice because I know a lot of the time when I told people I was worried the only response I got was "just switch to formula" and that was it which was really isolating and demotivating when I was working SO hard to keep bf going.

Ultimately you know what is best for you and your baby but you deserve to get the right support in place to help you on your journey.

Hugs for you. Bf is very hard at the beginning , my baby is 3 weeks now and I've only just started bf her during the day. All along, due to the pain of it, I was bf her at night only. I pumped and gave formula during the day. Mine seems to be a very hungry baby. It's still sore now when she latches but I feel like I'm making progress. Don't be afraid to top your baby up with formula or expressed milk, it's good to get them used to both bottle and breast from the start. Hang in there x

Just because they’ve told you to try combination first, doesn’t mean you have to! Your body, your baby, your choice. Just do what works for you & your baby even if that is switching to exclusively bottle feeding.

I found breastfeeding very hard mentally when mine were newborn and I didn’t even have these sort of problems you are experiencing. Your mental health is important and I would be losing my mind over this.

9 years ago I was you, I had a 2 day labour, c section followed by a pph so was exhausted before my daughter was even born.

She fed constantly. All night, all day. One day I counted and she spent just over 21 hours on the breast. I was teary, cross and stressed. The midwives helped as much as they could, the breastfeeding specialist also. She just kept slipping off the breast and you could tell her latch wasn't right as my nipple was funny shaped and I was cracked and bleeding. They checked for tongue tie and declared her fine so no referral was made. I never knew I could do it privately. (Ironically she was diagnosed with posterior tongue tie when she was referred to speech and language therapy when she was around 2-3. That was probably the issue we had).

She was dropping weight, I was on PND watch and my eldest child who was at school was getting into trouble as I was forgetting things such as book bag, pe kit etc due to being shattered. I think at the point I stopped I hadn't showered for a week (as she screamed when I put her down), had left the door unlocked when I did the school run and most importantly, nearly dropped her when feeding.

I bawled my eyes out at the health visitor and she said "you do not need anyone's permission to stop. Your health matters more". Apparently not allowed to suggest formula feeding but can insinuate if they feel it's right.

Me and DH said enough is enough. He went out and bought bottles, sterilisers, formula and a tommee tippee perfect prep machine. Then booked some annual leave and he sent me to bed to sleep. She was 6 weeks old when I stopped.

I can honestly say it was the best parenting decision I made, and I don't say that lightly. I desperately wanted to breastfeed, not only because of the whole breast is best but because I had 2 c section deliveries and wanted to live my body could do something "right". Also the cost of formula too. But it was needed for our family as we would have both ended up ill.

It's stressful OP and sad at the same time if you really want to feed yourself but if it's not working it's not working. If you can manage to carry on until your tongue tie appointment great, but don't let it be at the expense of your physical or mental health.

You do not need anyone's permission to stop xxx

I've been where you are. All three of my children had a tongue tie but for the first it took ages for the referral to go through and in the meantime I was driven to distraction trying to feed him.

It really affected my mental health, I spent the first six weeks doing a hellish combo of trying (and failing) to breastfeed, expressing and doing formula top ups because he was quite a small baby anyway and couldn't lose more weight. In the end it affected me so much that I struggled to bond with him.

One day I just felt like enough was enough. I couldn't take it anymore and packed it all in, he was formula fed from that point on and our relationship and his health thrived from then on. I felt like a weight had been lifted immediately.

I'm not telling you to formula feed, but in your shoes I would. I was formula feeding my second child by day three and the whole experience was so much more relaxed and less stressful. I don't care what anyone says, formula feeding is an absolute lifesaver for some people mentally and for a lot of babies, it's not some sort of terrible last resort.

If you want to stop then you can.

Definitely the right decision to supplement with formula at 14%. I’m fairly certain that loss would be a hospital admission around here.

Have you looked to see how much it would cost to have the tongue tie seen to privately, it might not be as much as you think. We were referred on the NHS but managed to get a private appointment for when DD was about 9 days old. If we’d needed to wait until the referral came through then I think I’d have stopped breastfeeding. It’s so, so hard when they’re not feeding well and gaining as much weight as they should. DD is over a year old now and I still stress about it!

One thing I would suggest is, if you have large breasts, to place a rolled up Muslim under your breast. It might help to get the nipple pointing at a better angle. Obviously this only applies if you’d like to keep breastfeeding!

I had the same issues with DS. It just felt like empty suckling and I could see he was never full.

I switched him to formula at 4 days old and my God, the relief!! He downed 4oz at the first bottle and then switched to 1oz every 2 hours and he was so much more settled, I was happier and everything just calmed down.