Breastfeeding and formula guilt

[Hannouck]

I have been EBF my 2 weeks old daughter. But when my milk came in things got complicated as I have an overactive letdown and oversupply.

She has been chocking on my milk countless times including once where she turned blue and really scared me. Since then it's been a nightmare, I have to express a bit of milk before, feed her in a laid back position, and listen to her very carefully so I can stop her before she drinks too much too fast. It's far from being relaxing or enjoyable nor for me, nor for her. After each feed she would feel uncomfortable, arching her back and we can clearly see she's struggling with digestion. She also get hiccups every single time! Even though I make sure to keep her upright for a minimum of 15 min.

Anyway, after crying for hours and days, I've finally decided to switch to formula progressively. But I feel so much guilt over it which I never thought I would! I always said that I would BF only if it goes well and it's enjoyable, but clearly when you have that tiny human in your arms you forget everything you said...

My choice is made so no need to hear "have you tried xyz" but I wanted to see how some of you have dealt with the guilt? I feel like I'm failing her and not giving her what's best for her!

I can’t help on your guilt as I used formula from day one - by choice. If it helps DC’s have no allergies, no health issues and have grown up with none of the problems everyone mentions about feeding them formula.
The most important thing is to enjoy your baby and your friends and family will also love giving bottles.

Fed is best, ultimately. You just have to accept that what she's eating is the###### closest they can make to your milk and therefore you're giving her the best thing in your particular circumstances

Only thing I'd add, is have you considered pumping? Even if you still combi feed, if breastfeeding is something that's a struggle but your supply is good and you're talking about doing a transition not a total stop, is it worth a try?

I managed it for 6 months with eldest, pumping that is, but with the twins I was out by about 4 weeks. My supply was just awful with trying to keep them alive and DS and just not naturally having a good supply. So I ff.

Then they were fed. You couldn't look at them now and say omg you can tell their mother didn't bf them. No issues with attach###m#e#n#t# #t#r#u#s#t# #m#e##

I had to combo feed as didn’t have enough supply. I suffered terribly from guilt and looking back on it the guilt over shadowed everything. I now subscribe to the fed baby is a happy baby theory. Please be kind to yourself.

Op. Please stop with this. Studies have shown pretty reliably that in most cases breast milk is slightly better for newborns and that’s it. By the time that baby is a year old and is eating the fluff off your carpet and dirt from the garden it won’t make a sodding ounce of difference. It certainly won’t they’re 15 and chugging energy drinks and bigmacs with their mates either. You’ve given it a much better chance than most and I believe the most important bit is the early feeds for immunity. From here on out you mix up those bottles with pride and enjoy the happy sleepy baby they bring. Honestly, I nearly drove myself mental with DC1 being bullied into BFing and hating every second of it and with DC2 I had the confidence to go straight to formula and we had the nicest, easiest early months and he’s literally the most robust, healthy and annoyingly bright kid you could wish to meet ( he’s a bit obnoxious and talks too much but that’s in the DNA) let it go OP. There is no need for guilt at all.

I remember crying to my husband and honestly feeling I would never get over it, I massively wanted to breast feed but it didn't work out. I thought I would never be able to look at a mum breastfeeding without feeling sad, guilty and like a failure.
The stronger feelings left me after about 2 weeks once my daughter and I were thriving, and smaller niggles left me after a year. I wish I could go back and tell myself it really will be OK and isn't a big deal! If formula is right for you, it is. It was the right thing for me. Rather than feeling sad about stopping g, try to flip it and be proud you managed for 2 weeks, that is still a huge achievement and will have given your baby a great start. Well done.

Your current situation sounds awful and so stressful. I hope you are OK. Whatever you decide, it will get easier 💐

Hi, my baby is now basically fully FF due to several reasons/birth complications. Whatever the reason, your baby needs to be fed and if breastfeeding isn’t working out (as it doesn’t for so many women or women who choose not to) your baby needs to eat!! Parental mental well-being and having a properly fed baby is more important than trying to struggle at an already very difficult and delicate time. Some of the posters on this site can be absolute downright nasty, just because they’ve been lucky enough to have BF work out for them. Hope you’re ok xx

I know precisely how you feel. I had to stop BFing too and felt the guilt you describe.

I think that in the early days of parenting we fixate on feeding and don’t place enough emphasis on the things that also make you a great mummy- attending to baby’s needs, being emotionally available, supporting learning and development… If BFing was blocking you from being and doing those things, it’s just not worth it.

You’ve BF’d your baby for two weeks and that will have given her some good health benefits. Be proud of what you have achieved! It’s a huge achievement.

Big hug and please don’t feel guilty!

I felt like this. I EBF DS1 and for some reason was so proud that he never had a single drop of formula, even though it was no effort on my part and just luck that I never needed it.

DS2 did need formula, and it was just such a weird emotional thing. I was pragmatic about it (we were separated for 24h) but secretly gutted, but then somehow thought that when I got him back I would just be able to BF with no issues and that didn't happen - my supply just didn't quite catch up. I was confused and angry because I felt they had overfed him/should have done things differently in order to protect BF but also just trying to get through it one day at a time.

Then I seemed to make some kind of bargain with myself, like, it's OK that we need formula, that's fine, I even started to quite enjoy the novelty of it as it was different to DS1 - but it was kind of like in order for it to "be OK" to my brain I had to make up all these complicated rules, and when DH didn't stick to them perfectly I got really upset about it.

I don't know. I think newborn hormones are just absolutely crazy. It took some time for it to die down and then it was just the normal thing and it was quite useful when weaning because DS2 SO much preferred purees and it was easier to make his food with the formula too. But what I mean is that I think it's normal to have conflicted feelings, to feel on one hand absolutely this makes sense and is the sensible course of action, but also feel weird about it, and just to say that that really does go away.

When I came to have DS3 I bought formula to have on hand (With DS1 I would have never ) and he never ended up using it. It sat around in the cupboard for months and we just never came up against a single situation where it was needed - he was a pandemic baby, no issues with feeding.

It was totally weird how my feelings changed about formula with each experience. But I think that it is quite normal to feel strange and emotional about it, and just to reassure you that that does pass, and I don't think that it means that you are secretly judgemental about FF (I worried that it might mean that!) I think it is just a combination of the fact that hormones basically make you REALLY want to breastfeed - I mean it wouldn't make much sense if they didn't - and they also make you hyper-aware of any slight risk or danger towards LO to the point that it's basically paranoia. I couldn't cope with any windows being open in our flat in case of some fantastically unlikely scenario involving someone tripping towards the open window while holding said newborn!

If it helps, you could also insist on being the only one to formula feed her for a while, just so you still feel it's a special bond between you? It helped me adjust. A few months in, I was really grateful to be able to let my husband feed her, but at first it felt too much. So that could be an option?

Amy Brown has some interesting stuff about breastfeeding grief, she says constantly being told that it doesn't matter and it's just as good to FF is unhelpful and I think that's true. While I totally get these reassurances are well meaning, it doesn't address the actual feelings which are that you wanted to breastfeed for longer, and now that is not the situation that is happening. It doesn't actually matter why you wanted to breastfeed, and it doesn't (usually) help to have people try and logic away those reasons, especially since I think it's often much more complex than some idea that breastmilk is an inherently superior substance.

It's OK to be sad and it's also OK for it to be a pragmatic decision and I think those things can coexist together.

I had a lot of angst over not breastfeeding my now 2 year old DD, since she just couldn't latch on, chewed my nipples to bits for a half hour and all she got for it was a tiny bit of colostrum. I had also just had a litre haemorrhage from a third degree tear so I'm not sure how much was there to actually give. I was worried that I was depriving her of the best thing for her, and that she'd be seriously affected. She wasn't and she's healthy and happy now.

Nowadays, the only thing I feel guilty for is not realising that Cow and Gate and Tommee Shittee bottles were giving her bad wind. Switched to MAM and Aptamil and she was in no more pain at all!

I'll have a DS soon (36 weeks) and I'll most likely be on formula again. I haven't had so much as a leak yet, so I've no serious hope for breastfeeding. There's no point in making both of you suffer to meet an ideal. It's hard enough without the angst.

Good luck!

I completely understand the guilt. I felt so guilty for stopping breastfeeding at 12 weeks that I ended up needing counselling. I had countless issues and a super hungry baby. It took a long time for me to be ok with it but now that I am I want to say that 100% fed is best. All your baby needs is a happy mum and fed in whatever way works best for you. My son grew up happy, healthy and with a mum who after she stopped beating herself up over something out her control, a much happier mum!

I promise you it will be ok and you are doing what is best for you. Try not to let anyone make you think otherwise. You've got this!!!

Second time round I went in with the attitude I'll do what works and made it to ten weeks then switched after same issues and didn't put pressure on myself of beat myself up. What a difference as I actually enjoyed so much more of that precious time than with my first when I worried. So try to let the worry and guilt go and just enjoy your baby. Hope that helps xxx

Have you had her checked for cmpa or any other intolerance? If she was dairy intolerant and you stopped having those things it would no longer be in your milk so you could still bf if it's so important to you. Check with hv/GP as mines always been ff on soya formula as couldn't bf but if it's something you'd want to do at least you can know you tried. Hope you can work it out

Nothing I read or did would have eased the guilt I felt but honestly it just fades over time. It took a while for me but gradually got less over time, until around 9 months when I was glad I formula fed and didn’t breastfeed. In the times when I felt guilt, I just had to remind myself that I did this for both of us. You feel sad about it but one day it just won’t bother you.

This is so true... in the counselling I had when my counsellor said I needed to grieve the fact I'd had to stop breastfeeding it suddenly made so much sense. It's ok to feel that way and need to process the feelings.

Same here

She explicitly said in the original post she didn't want people to make suggestions such as this! 😠it's really unhelpful.

The guilt is so hard. I was EBF originally and added in formula at 9 weeks because LO wasn't gaining weight. It was absolutely the right choice and I knew that, but the guilt of "failing him" sat really heavy initially and I couldn't listen to my own logic.

For me, I just needed time to work through it. I'm happy with where we are now - combi feeding (mainly formula) at almost 9 months, but still get a (unwarranted!) twinge of guilt when I think about winding down.

As others have said, fed is best and a happy mum is needed for a happy baby, be kind to yourself xxx

I also switched to formula one 3 days old one 3 weeks. my 10 and 12 year old are doing fine. I was in agony, baby was frustrated. If I pursued would I succeed? Probably. I didn't. I don't feel guilty. It may feel like the most important thing now op, but honestly it has no importance in the long run compared to love and hugs. Don't beat yourself up. Most importantly, don't let anyone judge and give their unsolicited bloody opinions.

OP I went through exactly the same feelings of guilt as you. Breastfeeding did not work out for me (I will not go into explaining why because I am fed up with formula feeding Mums constantly feeling that they have to justify their decisions to strangers). My son was combination fed from day 5 and then exclusively formula fed from week 3. I was in pieces over it and those feelings of guilt spiralled into postnatal depression and quite frankly cast a shadow over those early days with my son. It took a very kind health visitor to say 'honestly it does not matter, there is so much more to being a good Mum than whether you breast or bottle feed." Honestly, looking back now I have no idea why I got myself so upset over it. Congratulations on the birth of your baby, life with a newborn is exhausting but you are doing amazing!

I have formula guilt.

Ideally I always wanted to EBF, but it just didn't work out for me. Searing pain meaning I had to wear nipple shields, he then couldn't latch without them which made it impossible for me to BF in public (it's very fiddly). My milk supply was never good as I had to top up with formula from the get go, as he just wasn't gaining weight quickly enough.

I'm combi feeding, but he's now 4 months and is 80% formula fed. BF has become less and less as the weeks have gone on. I've grieved quite a bit about it, that I never got the experience I wanted. I know people will say as long as he's healthy and happy that's all the matters. That's certainly true, but it doesn't take away guilt. I'm hoping I can learn to feel ok about it all eventually. I'm sure you will too

Sending you a hug. Firstly well done for managing that and for making a decision that’s best for you both. I feel kind of similar and wasn’t expecting to. I formula fed last time, did attempt to breastfeed in the first few days, got nowhere and gave up so he really didn’t get hardly anything out at all. I expected to be fine with it but as my milk was drying up and I leaked through my top one night I felt so guilty, even though I couldn’t do it and nothing came out when I tried expressing.

This time I kind of went in with the same attitude and told myself my son was fine on formula so there was no pressure at all but weirdly I’ve managed to do it so much better this time. I’m mainly expressing but it is extremely time consuming and really limiting where I’m able to go, how long I can be out for. I feel like between cleaning bottles, pumps, making bottles, actually feeding, changing nappies X2 then all the house stuff I’m about to combust and don’t have a spare second. I set myself a target before I started of where I’d happily stop but now I’m feeling such guilt about actually stopping and I don’t know when to do it when it is actually going okay still.

I think you’ll feel a lot better once your milk has dried up and you’re able to get into the swing of things just with formula. It’s too late to feel any guilt then and there is nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever but I do completely get it

Thank you to all the posters, my 3 week old has been combi fed since 9 days after losing weight and meeting formula top ups due to supply issues.

i am struggling with guilt but also wanting to switch exclusively to FF due to continuing supply issues. The pressure to keep going with BF has been there from all angles and even though I keep telling myself fed is best I have still felt like I am letting my little one down and not trying hard enough to increase supply.

I cried today and came across this thread and it was really helpful to know I am.not alone and hopefully logic will kick in over emotions soon for me.

Also @BertieBotts your post make me cry snort, I have spent the last 2 days with a fear of open windows in our 17th floor flat, even though I never take baby near the window. The love we have for these little ones is beyond anything I have ever felt before.

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your advice and experiences!

I think the pressure the NHS put on BF makes it 10x harder. My midwife keeps reminding me how great it is to EBF...

I still haven't made the switch though, we bought the formula but I haven't found the guts to give it to her! And I never thought I'd be like that!

I've been pumping my milk but it's frankly exhausting and doesn't help. Combi feeding with formula would be best if I could get over it really!

Oh lovely, please don't feel bad or guilty about this.

I've had 3 DC, youngest is now 3 and a half. At the baby stage infant feeding feels like the biggest deal in the world and a source of guilt and heartache. The reality is it all passes so quickly, and is such a non issue!

You really don't want to hold yourself down with negative emotions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding, please just do what works for you and your baby, and enjoy!