How do I move on from breastfeeding?

[teddytoo95]

Please help!

My baby is now 8.5 weeks old. When I was pregnant I very much had a "if breastfeeding works then it does, if it doesn't it doesnt" attitude. My first child was completely formula fed by choice but it led me down a dark road and I really regretted never even trying.
I knew i wanted to try this time but we had a really rough start. Readmitted to hospital on day 5 due to weight loss and dehydration. Tongue tie diagnosed, cut on day 8. Feeding went great for 2 days and then awful again. By day 16 I phoned midwife unit because I woke up and I could barely wake my baby she was so lethargic I couldn't get her to latch at all. Midwife tried for 2 hours, tickling her feet, stripping her off, changing position etc. Went back into hospital and I broke down and decided I couldn't do it anymore. We moved to formula but I kept pumping maybe 3 or 4 times a day and would get around 3oz.
We have also tried to go back to breastfeeding, at 5 weeks I spent a whole week inside trying to get her to relatch, which she did so well. But she was still wanting a 5oz bottle afterwards. We kept going though and I was also pumping 8 times a day and through the night even though she sleeps through and still my supply only slightly increased. After breaking down again because my other child was getting zero attention we completely came away from the breast and I carried on pumping maybe 5 times a day. This is where we are currently at and I get 5oz per day, so roughly 1oz per pumping session.
It's seeming like a lot of work for not even 1 bottle a day for her but the thought of letting my milk dry up is making me cry. I just don't know what to do. I'm so sad it didn't work out for us and I feel like I should have tried harder. I'm so angry with myself that I gave up on day 16 and let my supply tank and now i can't seem to get it to increase. Will I love with the guilt forever? She's my last baby too so I'm never going to get the change again.
Thank you if you managed to read it all.

Ups poor thing, I remember this stress all too well. Here are some suggestions for if you did want to keep trying -

How are you expressing? -hand pumping takes forever -electric pump so much easier.

Milk production increases the more you pump -so you can increase supply by pumping more. My milk almost completely dried up at 8 week mark and so I spent two days almost always pumping -it really helped and within a week I was into 4- 6oz a session.

Supplements really helped me as well - I took both Milk thistle and fenugreek and noticed a marked increase.

With my first i combo fed because my milk took so long to come in. My second is exclusively breast fed -both are fine! Breastfeeding for any amount of time is good for your baby so you have done amazing lasting through all this! Remember the important thing is your baby is getting fed -however that happens. ❤️

@Ilovepotato
I'm using an electric pump. We had 2 weeks of me letting her feed from the breast before every bottle and in-between too, pumping every 2-3 hours and it only increased very slightly.

I haven't tried any supplements, so maybe that's an idea for me to try though!

Thank you for that. Its so hard, I just want to be able to do it and I feel like my body has really let me down. My FF 4 year old is absolutely thriving, so I don't know why I feel so sad. Xx

If you want to still pump then make sure you are using the right flange size for your nipples. Too big and you will get hardly anything.

Fenugreek is recommended for increasing supply but the dose is high. Also oats are supposed to help so try porridge for breakfast. Power pumping is a thing too, you'll have to look up the details but basically short bursts of pumping can help.

@Wrongsideofpennines I have tried power pumping and it didn't seem to increase at all. I just don't know what else to try. I maybe do need to check flange size though. Thank you!

Any other advice please?

Way Harsh

Oh OP I feel for you! Ignore the hateful poster 🤬

Honestly the best thing you can is contact a proper lactation consultant, an IBCL one. There will be plenty local to you who can come and visit you tomorrow to give you some support. They're far more experienced than any of us on here, and than midwives when it comes to breastfeeding.

In my experience with using an IBCLC they can turn things around so quickly. Mentally you'll feel better after the visit, baby will be feeding better and you'll have a plan going forwards. Most will also offer you support over phone / WhatsApp in the following days/ weeks too.

Good luck ❤️

@heaheadcheffer thank you for the help. I've reached out to two and they've really been no help. I don't know what the other person said as I didn't see the comment it's been deleted but probably something that I deserved.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I was similar, thought I'd be quite chill about bfing or not, then when it didn't work out I got completely fixated on it, spent over £1000 on pumps/lactation consultants/private doctors/tongue tie specialists, and more importantly hours and hours pumping, not sleeping and causing myself all sorts of stress which can't have done the baby any good. We did keep feeding (breast mixed with bottles of formula and pumped milk) and only just stopped completely at 3 (!) but tbh I really regret it. What my baby needed was a (mentally and physically) healthy mother who could give her lots of love. She (and your baby) had the benefit of breast milk early on and would have been totally fine with formula. I don't know what to say to convince you, but please don't be me!

@Fiddlesticks24 that's amazing getting to 3 years 🩷 I convince myself that we will give up completely and then I read a post on Facebook about the benefits of breastfeeding and how great it is (which it absolutely is, not discouraging that) and I find myself absolutely miserable for the rest of the day that I wasn't able to do that for my baby. I'm finding it so hard to break that cycle. Xx

@Dasisr I would love to know what you had to say?

I think you are putting yourself through hell -and I say this as someone who breastfed two babies, the first with a bit more difficulty than the second.
You have done your very best but sometimes things just don’t work out and it is no one’s fault, least of all yours. The pressure on women to breastfeed is just insane. If I were you I would go on to full formula and enjoy your lovely baby. Health wise for children living in developed countries it makes very little difference - it may do so on a population level, but not on an individual level. Certainly I can’t see any difference between my children and my friends who were not.
Your mental health and your enjoyment of your baby’s first few months of life are far more important. Yes breastfeeding is great if it works - if it doesn’t then formula is fine. Please be kind to yourself and stay off social media.

Sorry, I don’t have any advice on how to keep going, but when you’re feeling up to it, I would recommend reading ‘Why breastfeeding grief and trauma matters’ by Dr Amy Brown. It really validates your feelings, and isn’t dismissive of your desire to breastfeed, no matter the outcome. I found it an emotional read after a really difficult experience, but quite therapeutic.

@teddytoo95 basically said you don’t actually have a problem here bar you deciding breastfeeding is the most important thing even when your baby clearly wasn’t thriving on it and was starving.

you have an older formula fed child who I presume is healthy and happy so what’s the problem if this child is the same - I don’t see one!

You say this is your last child and you want to ‘get it right’ I think if you look back in a few years time you will think why did I waste those precious weeks with a newborn obsessing over breastfeeding instead of enjoying your baby.

Thank you so much, you are right there's so much pressure and not enough support after a few weeks. Social media doesn't help in the slightest. X

@wedonttalkaboutyouno thank you I will take a look at that x

@Dasisr thank you for that veiw, I can appreciate where you are coming from. By no means is it the most important thing, the important thing is that my child is fed and I would never intentionally starve her. What I'm struggling with is the guilt of it not working out.
You are absolutely right about me looking back and regretting wasting these weeks, and I am very aware of that but im finding it hard just to switch those feelings off.

@teddytoo95 i think rather than a session with a lactation consultant you might benefit from seeing a counsellor to help you process your thoughts and what is behind them. You know your baby is perfectly safe happy healthy on formula yet breastfeeding is still to the forefront of your mind. Also how you presumed you ‘deserved’ whatever I said that was deleted and wanted me to post again. It could help to talk to someone about all this.

maybe in the interim try a mantra whenever you feel bad thoughts creeping in. Maybe something like my baby is happy and healthy and loved - which is true.

@Dasisr yes you are probably correct. I'm also aware that my hormones are probably all over the place so I am trying to give myself some time to adjust to those. Thank you though, I do appreciate your take on it.

I thought if some advice - which is to echo pp and tell you to stay off social media! Ime it makes everything worse.

There's lots of information on how to increase supply on the FB group exclusive pumping mamas, it's US based but so so helpful to me. I exclusively pumped after week 3 when it became obvious baby just never latched effectively. Managed to increase supply enough to only occasionally need formula if out and I'd misjudged timings of my pumping and baby needing a bottle, by week 7. Things that helped me: coconut oil to lubricate nipples and flanges (literally this was a life changer), correct flange size and style after trying a few, oat milk lots and lots, water lots and lots, eating more protein snacks not just carby rubbish, cluster pumping every evening for a while (different to power pumping - the group has more info but essentially aiming to mimic a cluster feeding newborn so I'd pump for 20 mins, stop 2, pump 5, stop 5, pump 15, stop for 10, pump 6, continue for a 2-3 hour session, completely random basically the way I had heard friends talk about their babies being on and off boob all evening whilst they sat on the sofa).

That sounds really hard, poor you op.

Does she latch now? Could you switch to formula but breastfeed once or twice a day without really seeing it as having to reach a certain amount?

I had a friend who bf didn't work out for, a lactation consultant recommended she did this and it felt much less like giving up - the baby still got some antibodies etc, she still got nice cuddles, but it took the pressure off.

You’re welcome ☺️
There is a group of women that are evangelical about breastfeeding to the point of obsession. I got a bit obsessed myself at one point and then felt thoroughly embarrassed at myself in later years when I spoke to friends who had struggled, and realised how crazy it all is in the grand scheme of what matters when you are rearing children for many many years. You obviously love your baby and are doing your best but mind yourself too.

She did but we gave up latching as she was so angry when the milk wasn't coming quickly and it was becoming distressing for us both. That's a lovely idea though, thank you!