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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Breastfeeding is killing me :(

48 replies

floatycloud11 · 17/07/2023 07:49

Baby is a month old. We are currently still breastfeeding 1000 times a day in addition to formula bottles as baby lost a lot of weight after birth but has finally started to gain.

Supply has always been questionable - no fullness or leaking, never able to pump more than 30ml in total even when baby hasn't fed for a couple of hours.
Baby is now so fussy at the breast and clearly prefers the bottle (been doing laced feeding, slow flow teat etc) and most feeds involve us both crying, baby latching on and off for an hour before I give up.
Latch is bad but nobody seems able to help, lots of suggestions offered but none have worked.

Things I have tried:

  • pumping (have hired hospital grade pump, never get more than 30ml usually more like 10. Have been trying power pumping, before feeds, after feeds, no improvement)
  • fenugreek tea
  • baby had a tongue tie cut several weeks ago.
  • cranial osteopathy
  • breastfeeding helplines and support group in-person
  • various positions including laid back (makes baby more furious if anything)
  • eating loads, eating oats, drinking loads
  • breast compressions, massage, hand expressing
-cosleeping in bed with baby and attempting to feed through the night

I have a two year old, who was formula fed due to similar issues, who I have barely seen in a month and feel like I am at breaking point. I can't go out or do anything other than feed, prepare to feed, pump.

I wanted so badly to breastfeed successfully this time around but feel like it is going to make me unwell if it isn't already - I don't have much of a bond with the baby as I am constantly worrying about the next feed and how it will go.

Any suggestions welcome. I am considering switching to formula but feed like such a failure.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatycloud11 · 17/07/2023 07:49

Also - I can't take domperidone due to family history of heart problems. Otherwise I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatycloud11 · 17/07/2023 07:50

One more addition - I did pay for an IBCLC consultation and she basically told me to pump more and wasn't very helpful

OP posts:
Seasidesusy · 17/07/2023 07:52

Stop if it’s this bad. It’s not worth your mental health suffering. You have tried your best and your baby has benefited from your milk for a month which is wonderful but they will be absolutely fine on formula and you will be less stressed and happier. I bet you will find your bond grows as soon as you take this pressure off of yourself.
My DS and I were very lucky that breastfeeding wasn’t hard work for us but plenty of my friends have had struggles and some of them have beaten themselves up about having to stop. You are not a failure at all. As long as your baby is fed and loved, that is all they need.

Questionsforyou · 17/07/2023 07:54

I'm not going to give helpful breastfeeding advice so feel free to just disregard me

I was in a similar position and I decided to swap to formula, cold turkey (bad advice!!(. I hated breastfeeding, I resented doing it, I ignored my older dd. It was grim. After a few days I thought - well it is my baby, I can do what I like. And I put in two feeds a day from me, and did that for a good few months.

But yes basically. If you hate it . Drop the guilt and do what you like.

bringthegingotthejuice · 17/07/2023 07:54

So sorry to read this. I had similar with my little boy.

One thing I always remember being told is pumping output does not indicate your supply is low. Sometimes pumps aren't as successful at removing milk like a baby can.

I'd recommend joining the breastfeeding uk Facebook page group if you are on FB. They are absolutely brilliant, trained volunteers that can help you with 1-1 support via messages.

I really hope you get some support and a break soon. Sending hugs Flowers

penpop · 17/07/2023 07:54

Just stop. It's not healthy for you or baby. I had similar issues and the sense of relief I felt when I stopped was amazing! It's really not worth making yourself poorly over x

LadyBird1973 · 17/07/2023 07:54

Honestly, I would stop. Your baby has had breast milk through the early days so has gained some benefit, but I think it's better for everyone when a mum can get some rest and isn't stressed out by something that isn't working.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 17/07/2023 07:54

Breastfeeding is wonderful when it’s convenient and working. I think having a happy family and happy healthy baby far outweighs anything else. I would not hesitate personally to drop the breast. ( I did breastfeed so not a anti bf person but someone who sees the importance of enjoying family)

Caravanvirgin · 17/07/2023 07:55

You’re not a failure. Recognising that bf wasn’t working and supplementing is success.

I understand breastfeeding guilt. I’ve been there. I was able to feed DD1 for 6 weeks (combi) and DD2 for 3 and half years. With DD1 I tried much harder and it didn’t work.

You’ve done everything and you’re exhausted. I’m very pro bf but only if it’s working for Mum and baby. I can’t think of anything else you can try.

You sound like an amazing Mum. I’m confident whatever you choose will be the right thing for your family (that includes you btw).

WolfFoxHare · 17/07/2023 07:55

It’s ok to stop. ❤️

Diddykong · 17/07/2023 07:56

I wouldn't pump at all. Hated pumps and they'll never show you what you're truly producing.

I would assume baby still has a tongue tie (my DC needed it cut 3 times!) So I would follow that up.

In the meantime I would try shields. They are a faff but they saved me for the first 8 weeks with both DC.

There's a lot of misinformation on shields but the modern silicon ones are excellent. They will help baby latch and protect your sore nipples and are reasonably easy to wean off - and if you don't I know several people who fed with shields until baby was over 2.

4 weeks in is the worst for Bf. It's very hard and you feel sore and yucky and pissed off with it all. It does get better if you power on for another 2-3 weeks.

PurBal · 17/07/2023 07:56

You’ve tried loads of stuff! I don’t think I could have persevered. One thing that hasn’t been mentioned so I’ll mention it (although given everything you’ve tried I doubt it’ll be a magic fix) Do you have a fast let down? I have a 4 week old too. And he’s on and off my breast like crazy. Arching his back etc. I also don’t leak and I’ve never felt I’ve had surplus. It can help to hand express into a muslin before offering the breast. It’s also still early days, with my first it was six weeks before I saw the end of the tunnel but about 16 before everything was comfortable. Whatever you decide to do though: you are definitely not a failure!

Gunpowder · 17/07/2023 07:56

You aren’t a failure - you sound incredibly dedicated and like you have tried everything. Even if you had never tried breastfeeding you wouldn’t be a failure! You are feeding your baby. Formula is a good and safe alternative Hopefully someone will come along with some suggestions, but if they don’t it’s ok to stop breastfeeding. You have done the most important bit and no one is going to know five, 10, 20 years from now whether your baby was exclusively breast fed. Give yourself a break and enjoy your beautiful baby. You deserve to be happy too.

LadyJ2023 · 17/07/2023 07:57

I stopped with twins they were just to hungry and went to bottle and settled right down.

AlltheFs · 17/07/2023 07:58

I breastfed my baby for 26 months and never leaked-didn’t use any breastpads and couldn’t pump anything, my supply was fine. You may be similar, just because you can’t get any out doesn’t mean baby can’t.

So I’d ditch pumping and formula and just feed from the breast. It will be pretty much continuous as you need baby to boost supply by itself. It sounds like you are in a negative spiral and making it too complicated. Try doing nothing but breast day and night for two weeks. Weeks 1-6 are the hardest so I’d try to hit that milestone and if it doesn’t get better then think about stopping.

But there really is no need to pump, it’s not necessary.

Lastusernamecantthinkofanotherone · 17/07/2023 07:58

Have you tried ditching all the pumping, bottles, and interventions and just feeding?

feeding is far more effective at upping supply than pumping or anything else. As you’re seen bf babies can also learn to prefer bottles as it’s immediate, they don’t need to work for the let down.

not being able to pump doesn’t mean a supply problem. It means a pump doesn’t stimulate your let down.

can you have a nursing holiday- take to your bed and feed as much as you can for a few days? It will be constant as you are playing supply catch up to compensate for the formula.

nobody ever seems to suggest feeding, it’s always some complicated routine of pumping, formula, bottles, which seems like an utter waste of time when baby could be feeding from the breast.

if it’s not working though feel no guilt in switching to formula.

chilliplant634 · 17/07/2023 07:59

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I had a similar experience with my son until he got to about 5 weeks old. All of a sudden its like something switched on in my body and finally my body really started producing the milk. Before that it was like getting blood out of a stone.

If I were you I would try until the 6 week mark. If at that point there is no progress and it's just as difficult, I would call it a day on the breast feeding and just give as much formula as baby needs. Ultimately, what's important is that baby is fed. If you tried and it didn't work, just move on guilt free.

Annoyingnamechangerperson · 17/07/2023 08:01

I would stop and I wouldn’t be beating myself up about it. In fact I did stop for similar reasons.
My children are 8 and 9 now and even though stopping breastfeeding early with my first made me feel guilty, I honestly couldn’t care less about it now.
When I struggled with my second I switched to formula sooner.
Everyone in the house being settled and happy is more important than how your baby is fed in my humble opinion.

BubziOwl · 17/07/2023 08:58

Given you've said that your baby has lost a lot of weight, I'd ignore any advice to just drop all formula/expressed top ups unless advised/okay'd by a doctor or whichever medical professional you're currently under.

But I would add that whatever happens, you've just written a very long list of the tiring and difficult things you've been doing just for the sake of breastfeeding your baby. That to me is surely the mark of an extremely dedicated mother!! You're nothing remotely close to a failure! X

Original poster
floatycloud11 · 17/07/2023 08:58

Thank you for all the kind replies. I'm tearing up reading them.
I'm wondering about maybe trying to make it to six weeks if I can. I think the tongue tie might well not have worked properly as latch is still awful and nipples very painful. So will contact the clinic and see if they'll check it again.
I don't know why I'm so upset about it as my two year old is fit as a fiddle, bright and we have a brilliant bond (or did before I had new baby ☹️) despite formula feeding, but I just had really set my heart on 'succeeding' this time around as I always felt inadequate.
I do feel like im close to breaking point though and it is really affecting my bond with the new baby.

OP posts:
Beamur · 17/07/2023 09:05

so I’d ditch pumping and formula and just feed from the breast. It will be pretty much continuous as you need baby to boost supply by itself. It sounds like you are in a negative spiral and making it too complicated. Try doing nothing but breast day and night for two weeks. Weeks 1-6 are the hardest so I’d try to hit that milestone and if it doesn’t get better then think about stopping
I think this is good advice. I had good supply but could barely get a drop out with a pump.
If your midwife or GP says keep topping up with formula keep doing it.
The most important thing here is that your baby is fed. It really doesn't matter how. They've had the benefit of those first few weeks bf. Please don't judge yourself or feel you have failed,. you really haven't.

BarbieBunches · 17/07/2023 09:08

I’d just stop. You’ve done brilliantly and your kids will be absolutely fine. I was you 17 years ago - looking back I wonder why I got so distressed and feel sad I was made to feel so guilty. My kids are the healthiest I know 😄

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2023 09:09

Switching to formula isn’t a failure

SilverDrawer · 17/07/2023 09:11

Just stop and formula feed. Honestly. It’s better for you and your DCs if you’re not exhausted and anxious. Relax, feel no guilt, and move on.

Iwasafool · 17/07/2023 09:12

I loved breastfeeding, I think it is great as it is convenient, cheap and easy (so I'm lazy so what) but I don't think it is worth it at any price. If I had as much trouble as you I'd give up. Use formula and have a nice time with your baby and toddler.

If you are made of tougher stuff than me good luck, I hope it works out.