Breastfeeding is killing me :(

[floatycloud11]

Baby is a month old. We are currently still breastfeeding 1000 times a day in addition to formula bottles as baby lost a lot of weight after birth but has finally started to gain.

Supply has always been questionable - no fullness or leaking, never able to pump more than 30ml in total even when baby hasn't fed for a couple of hours.
Baby is now so fussy at the breast and clearly prefers the bottle (been doing laced feeding, slow flow teat etc) and most feeds involve us both crying, baby latching on and off for an hour before I give up.
Latch is bad but nobody seems able to help, lots of suggestions offered but none have worked.

Things I have tried:

• pumping (have hired hospital grade pump, never get more than 30ml usually more like 10. Have been trying power pumping, before feeds, after feeds, no improvement)
• fenugreek tea
• baby had a tongue tie cut several weeks ago.
• cranial osteopathy
• breastfeeding helplines and support group in-person
• various positions including laid back (makes baby more furious if anything)
• eating loads, eating oats, drinking loads
• breast compressions, massage, hand expressing

-cosleeping in bed with baby and attempting to feed through the night

I have a two year old, who was formula fed due to similar issues, who I have barely seen in a month and feel like I am at breaking point. I can't go out or do anything other than feed, prepare to feed, pump.

I wanted so badly to breastfeed successfully this time around but feel like it is going to make me unwell if it isn't already - I don't have much of a bond with the baby as I am constantly worrying about the next feed and how it will go.

Any suggestions welcome. I am considering switching to formula but feed like such a failure.

I understand why lots of people are telling you to just stop but they might not get why managing to breastfeed is important to you. It is ok to stop BUT it is also ok to keep trying if that is what you want to do, at least for a short while longer. Breastfeeding is an important goal for some people and it’s ok for it to be something you want to do. As pp said the first 4 weeks are hard and in the next 2-3 weeks it should start to get easier.

I also recommend stopping with all the faffing and pumping and bottles and just feed directly from the breast for the next two weeks. Baby might be fussy so nipple shields could be a good idea. Also good to get her latch checked again and her tongue tie. If you are tempted to keep including one bottle of formula then make sure it’s during the day and not at night. If after two weeks you’re still really struggling then there really won’t be anything else you haven’t tried other than domperidone which I see you can’t take. 6 weeks is a good time to draw a line if needs be.

Agree with this. I BF two babies and never managed to pump much. I also never leaked but still had enough supply to feed them both until they were 8 months.
stop with the bottles (of course baby prefers bottle), drink lots of water, eat well, get good nipple shields and continue with just BF. If you can persevere for another 1-2 weeks, IME after 6 weeks it’s usually easier. Good luck

I had huge issues with supply. Was told to keep persevering and my supply would match demand.
It didn’t. I totally dried up. Wish I had been told to mix feed, I didn’t understand it was an option.

Not everyone can do it, we aren’t all the same. Does giving a bottle and having a break help supply at all? I think if you aren’t feeding for long periods and don’t feel full you probably don’t have the milk?

It maybe worth talking to the GP who was much more knowledgeable that all the many BF experts I spoke to. Mine was a medical issue which they weren’t equipped to pick up on, she said I should have been told I would never have a decent supply. Trying for 6 weeks broke me.

And please don’t let it affect your bond witb baby. Have lots of snuggles, lots of skin to skin, try and relax (I know easier said than done) and cuddle baby on your arms close to chest. I had tough times with DC2 too and nipple shields helped a ton. All the best, and remember you are doing a great job no matter how baby is fed

You don't need the permission of random Internet strangers (or anyone) to stop! I have 5 years BF behind me, so I'm generally an advocate, but not at the expense of you own wellbeing.

It is ok to stop if it is making you miserable. I have 3 DC, one ff, one ebf and one fed with pumped milk then formula after a few months and I have just as strong bond with all three of them and you couldn’t tell the difference between them to guess which had been ebf.

I was so disappointed at not being able to bf two of them but sometimes it just doesn’t work out. The most important things are that your baby is getting the nutrients they need and that you are happy.

Could you try taking the pressure off yourself? Offer breast and if baby is really faffing and unhappy then offer a bottle. It may be that your baby ends up completely ff but that’s fine. Take some time out and spend a bit of time with your toddler one on one, it will do you the world of good.

Look at simultaneous combi feeding. You get a teeny tiny tube and tape it next to your nipple and put the other end in a bottle of formula. Baby gets beat of both worlds. A friend with IGT did this for both babies. She supplemented with donated breast milk too.

If it’s killing you and the baby prefers a bottle just stop. The guilt piled on to women for not breastfeeding is getting ridiculous. Do what is best for you and your child guilt free. There is no shame in it.

This is the best advice.

As others have said it’s ok to stop. Your wellbeing is important both for yourself and the baby.

My kids are 19 and twins who will be 17 next month. With my first, I was just like you…. Until my GP asked wtf I was doing to myself. I was BF at the detriment of bonding with my baby. In those days, the BF mafia spread the word that “Everyone can BF” and anyone saying that their supply was low was either doing it wrong or was a selfish arsehole. I had some prick of a woman abuse me the first time I fed DD1 a bottle in a change room. (I’m a bit ashamed to say that I got a bit sparky and told her that I was having chemo and my milk would kill the baby, but figured that she shouldn’t have been accosting vulnerable new mums like that.)
When I had the DT’s it was in a different city. The hospital sent a lactation consultant to have a chat when I was crying on day 7 with only dribbles of milk. She asked about the growth of my boobs during pregnancy (none) and if I felt the “let down”. (Nope). She said that my boobs were the wrong shape for someone that had had one baby, let alone two. An ultrasound was organised and it would seem that I don’t have anywhere near enough milk ducts. (Maybe 3-4 in one breast and none on the other side.) Very common in women whose mums smoked heavily in pregnancy it seems. Once I knew that it was a physical thing, I just quit trying. I was relieved, DH was relieved and he could help out!

Now my kids are ever so much bigger than I am, it doesn’t matter a single bit. Just do what works for you. You live in a country with access to decent formula, clean water and access to wonderful sterilizing equipment. You will realise once you’re no longer so sleep deprived, that baby doesn’t mind as long as they have a full tummy, a dry nappy, and lots of snuggles from mum.

Take it from someone who's been there it's not worth it! Please stop for your health . I successfully breastfed my first baby for a year text book felt great then with my second everything that could go wrong breastfeeding did! Infections, mastitis, not latching on, then she got broncillitus ended up in hospital at 6 weeks! All I could think was I did it for my first im a failure I can't do it for my second! In total I think I did 5 weeks for my second then my hubby got some formula and life was great after that!If I could go back in time and speak to myself I would! Your doing your very best and all babies are different I beat myself up saying I did for my first why not my second! Different babies Diff situations same love!! All a baby needs is a healthy happy mum doesn't matter whether it's breast or bottle xx

I'm massively pro breastfeeding but it's not worth tearing yourself to pieces over.

I had a friend in your shoes (DC1 was reluctantly formula fed, determined to bf DC2 but wasn't going well) a lactation consultant said combi feeding can be different from just top ups - there's absolutely nothing to stop you from giving your baby a little bit of breastmilk on a schedule that suits you, as long as it suits both of you.

So she went to having one or two feeds a day, formula the rest of the time, not particularly worrying about how much breastmilk the baby was getting but seeing it more as a special kind of cuddle. That way doesn't feel like a 'failure', you get the snuggles, baby gets some of the benefits of breastmilk, but you can let go of the stress of having to meet some kind of benchmark.

Good luck with whatever you choose! Having a chilled out mother is also important to a baby :)

You're at breaking point and it's effecting your bond with your baby?

Nothing in this world would come before mine and my babies bond. Don't put a feeding method over you and your babies bond.

Formula feeding is nothing to be ashamed about.

I've never understood why women quite literally mentally break themselves and get to the point of resentment for their babies, just to carry on breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is amazing, but not at the expense of a mentally and physically broken mother and a fractured bond with their child.

Give your child formula and don't give it another thought. You've done well getting this far. You haven't failed. Formula isn't a failure.

I have a 2 friends who have 5 children. They never managed to feed them all.
One managed with 3, mixed fed another and one of them she couldn’t manage (her 3rd) so was bottle fed. This one is a semi professional athlete. Sometimes it doesn’t work and it’s fine.

Breastfeeding really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. You've given it a bloody good go, get a bottle and start enjoying your baby. You can still keep trying to bfeed if you want to but give her formula so you can both relax about feeds.

It's affecting your bond with your baby, and it's making you unhappy.

In your position I'd definitely switch to ff and enjoy my baby xxx

Tongue tie sometimes needs a second snip as it can grow back.

In your position I'd stop! I was in a similar situ myself. You've given it your best and seemingly tried so much.
I know how it can feel never ending and your mental health is so important. I think you'd all be happier by switching to formula. Harder said then done but you have to let go of the guilt, there are no prizes for sticking it out! You sound like a brilliant mum! Xx

I breastfed forever and a day. It's honestly made no difference to if I had formula fed him. It's absolutely fine to stop, I promise it is.

I totally get why you're disappointed. I had a pretty bad breastfeeding experience with my DS and if I ever have a second would be desparate to try and have a more positive experience, so it must be so disheartening that it hasn't been easier.

Be very careful about stopping all top ups if your baby's having quite a lot of formula/expressed milk as you don't want them to get dehydrated or more frantic with their breastfeeds because of hunger. Can you get to the stage where you're having some nice calm feeds, maybe in the morning when your supply should be higher or doing the breastfeed as a top up after a bottle? I'd stop tracking things like amount pumped or length of time they're breastfeeding if you're doing this and just try to take the pressure off yourself.

100% agree with the posters who suggest to do away with the pumping and bottles and just feed from the breast as often as baby asks.
Also from tt perspective, my dd took 4 weeks to learn how to feed properly after that and dropped two centiles in that time. They have to re strengthen their tongue muscle.
I was on the cusp of giving up until week 6, then it all started to feel a lot smoother and then by 4 months we were in a great place with feeding.
However if you feel you want to stop, then feel no guilt in that. Breastfeeding is flipping hard. On the flip side if you want to continue then I think a couple more week and it should get easier!

I honestly could've written this post about 2 months ago. I really truly couldn't bear to hear one more person tell me to "just feed, feed, feed, resign yourself to sitting on the sofa and just feeding or take to your bed!" I had a 2 year old (also lovely, bright, formula fed) who needed to go to sports club, nursery, gymnastics, playdates, needed me to engage with her and not sit on the sofa and cry for an hour at a time through every feed. I couldn't feed and miraculously feed my toddler and play with her one handed. Feeding needed both hands, all my attention and concerted efforts to remain calm. If your baby is dropping weight and you're miserable - just stop. I felt like a weight lifted and I haven't had a single regret. Both your children deserve a happy, present mummy and you deserve to enjoy your baby.