Stalked for 4yrs… breastfeeding worry

[BarbieElmo]

So, possibly a weird one, but I’m curious if other people have felt similar…

Im currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first child and soo excited. I’ve been with my partner for almost 4 yrs, he’s supported me through illness and disability and been there through some really hard times so there’s no one I feel more comfortable around than him.

Im 28 now but when I was 14 through to 18 I was being stalked by a 30+ yr old man who frequently told me his very graphic plans to kidnap me, hold me up in his place in London and make me his sex slave, and detailed the planned abuse. It was a terrifying time for me, especially when he was watching me from outside my house or leaving school. Long story short, as a child I thought my parents would blame me in some way if I told them this man was following me (like they’d think I’d somehow brought it upon myself) so I stayed quiet until I eventually went to the police when I was 18 (who encouraged me to also tell my parents). My parents didn’t blame me in the end, and were shocked. Police ended up cautioning the man and thankfully he never actually got his hands on me and I never heard from him again.

14 years later, I think I still have some emotional scars from the experience. In this particular situation, I’ve been discussing with my partner breastfeeding our baby. Our friends and family members who have had children seem to be perfectly comfortable breastfeeding in front of almost anyone (which I admire about them!) but I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable to breast feed (uncovered) even around our closest family members, even my mum. My partner thinks that most mums feel like that initially but after a couple weeks/months of breastfeeding every few hours a lot of women will just say “ahh f**k it!” And be comfortable to whip them out lol. To me it feels like there is this wall in my mind that goes up, the only person I feel comfortable to see me in a bra is my partner and that’s it. I know that nursing bras and nursing clothing minimise how exposed you are.. but I just don’t think like I could do it in front of anyone except my partner.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Did you feel more comfortable over time and did anything help?

Also.. if I always cover me and baby when feeding in front of people, will people think I’m weird? We don’t know anyone that uses a cover, so amongst our groups I feel like I’ll be the odd one out.. or people might feel like I’m judging THEM for not covering.. or I might have to try and explain myself over and over.

I know at the end of the day I should probably just say “f**k it, do whatever, who cares what people think!” But it would be nice to know if anyone else has had past stalking/sexual harassment affect their approach to breastfeeding in front of people and what they’ve done :)

thanks!

Also.. if I always cover me and baby when feeding in front of people, will people think I’m weird? We don’t know anyone that uses a cover, so amongst our groups I feel like I’ll be the odd one out.. or people might feel like I’m judging THEM for not covering.. or I might have to try and explain myself over and over.

It doesn't matter. Nobody cares.

The only person interested in your lactating breasts is your baby; other women feeding babies are not interested in watching you.

I am so sorry to hear you had a stalker, you were very brave to go to the police about him.

Wrt covering whilst Bf, I draped a muslin over baby and thus me, I didn't care what other people thought. No history of stalking or harassment.

Nobody should have to cover up, but for those that do there are choices.

How about something like this?

If anyone has the audacity to ask, just say you are finding it a bit tricky and would rather fully uncover your breast so the baby can latch comfortably.

You should absolutely cover if that makes you feel comfortable. I found that people do all sorts of things and no one judged. I used the one top up, one top down method which worked for me. Also, sometimes using a muslin and wrapping one corner round my bra strap at the shoulder so that wriggling babies didn’t just pull it down straight away. There are covers which help with airflow by having a hooped strap at the top, which look good but a little pricier. Might be worth it for you.

This is exactly what i was thinking of. I think they’re ideal because of the airflow

Giant size muslins that you can secure round your neck, a top that you can pull up with a vest top that you can pull down underneath, and you won't feel too exposed.

Ihad different reasons behind it, but i also only really breastfed comfortably in front of my partner with my first and it was fine. Was more relaxed with the second and used the above method to feel able to anywhere. I think its more common that you ever get to see by virtue of the fact that you don't ever notice the women doing it if they are more discreet/tucked away! Just do what works for you and shrug off the opinions of others (easier said than done of course!).

I never had any experience like you but I was always adverse to feeding in public with my first. I would always time my trips carefully and a lot of the time feed in the car before getting out. And muslins and nursing clothes just looked like they'd make it more obvious. A baggy tshirt or jumper would have been less conspicuous.

To be honest I think this is a normal feeling. I have lots of respect for others doing it but just wasn't for me at the time.

However with my second I'm far more relaxed and happy to feed on the go if needed.

I always covered up with a cloth do some sort. I didn't breast feed past 6 months though so I didn't have a child that would pull the cover down/off.

I’m so sorry you had this experience. I don’t think anyone would bat an eye lid at you covering up. If it makes you feel more comfortable you could just say that you use it as it stops the baby getting distracted and helps it latch

People who haven’t breastfed a baby often have no idea when you’re feeding right in from of them. When you start breastfeeding, you suddenly notice all the women doing it that you hadn’t seen before!
I think the covers with the wire look good. It’s helpful to be able to see your baby’s face, especially when they are teeny tiny.
Also, you haven’t mentioned formula at all in your OP, but I get the feeling you are trying to tell your husband you’d prefer to bottle feed. If you’d rather do that, then that’s absolutely fine. It is entirely your decision. Your husband doesn’t have lactating boobs so can express support but it’s ultimately you who decide. If bottle feeding will save you from feeling anxious everytime you’re out with baby, and save you from associating your baby with a traumatic time in your life, then perhaps that’s the better choice for your family? And I say that as someone who chose to breastfeed well into toddlerhood with mine. You have to balance the small but real health benefits of breastfeeding with any negative effects actually doing it might have for you and your family.

I think this is one you'll have to see how you feel as time goes by. At the start when you're stripped off and trying to establish breastfeeding I think most people are more comfortable by themselves or just with their partner.

Once you're more comfortable feeding, then a muslin wrap or similar may be enough to feed around family and you may even build the courage to feed in cafes etc - you'll be amazed how little notice everyone takes of you... and how much they look when you have a screaming child that is hungry.

One thing to note is that if you wear a stretchy singlet and a nursing bra, your "side boob" and stomach area is also covered if you want to lift your top to feed. I'm confident you will find some arrangement that works for you - and if not feeding alone isn't the worst thing, babies go through phases of being very distracted feeding, so you can't always feed them out and about anyway.

I really needed someone to tell me that actually it’s ok to not want to feed in public. I felt so relieved when they did! I try to plan in advance where I will feed - places like JoJo, M&S and John Lewis often have feeding rooms for privacy. I tell people my little one gets easily distracted around other people / busy places.

I felt uncomfortable. With first dd I would leave the room/avoid doing it in public. I gave up and moved into bottles after a month. With dd 2 I did around 3 months but again disliked leaving rooms/limiting my self but felt too uncomfortable to do it in public. With ds1 I really pushed my self and fed for a year. I did a lot of expressing for in public but did feed in front of family although I never felt comfortable. It definitely got easier after first few months as feeds lessened and became shorter. We also developed a routine which helped

Have a look online, The Leaky Boob, Kelly Mom, LLL and Milk Matters would be good places to go to look for support on this. It's not unusual for women who have been sexually abused to struggle to feed their babies.

You could combination feed - breast feed at home then give formula/express and bottle feed when out and about? You would need to get your supply established first though

I'm so sorry to hear of your experience- that must have been horrifying. I haven't been through anything like that but just wanted to reassure you that it's totally possibly to feed very discreetly. I had zero desire to get my boobs out in public when bf and fed covered using muslins, long tops pulled up with vest tops underneath and specific nursing clothing which meant that pretty much nothing was on show. Also my first used to be very easily distracted so I'd have to feed him alone in quiet rooms to ensure he got enough - friends and family were very understanding of this and I'd use parent and baby rooms / changing rooms (if quiet) and the car when out. I still bf my 1yo but now he's old enough that he can have food and water when we are out and just bfs at home. Honestly no one will judge you and anyone questioning you about covering or anything would be an absolute weirdo (and just tell them it's none of the business!).

I initially needed to use a nipple shield to feed my son because of tongue tie. So I never fed him in front of anyone except his Dad. He eventually outgrew needing the shields, but then was impossible to feed in public because he was too distracted. Once I had to feed him on a broken down bus and he kept unlatching every time a car went by! He's 22m now, he bf to 20m and I think I fed him in public about 10 times in total. I did express milk for a period too because of the tongue tie issues, so gave him bottles when we were out and about. But expressing the odd bottle to give DC in a cafe for example could be an option for you too.

I breastfed my son for just over a year and would have done it for longer but he started to refuse. Whenever around anyone else I always used a muslin to cover up. I completely covered up with the muslin in public but if family were visiting me at home I'd still use the muslin to make me and them more comfortable. It was only when I was alone that I whipped them out and got on with it. I'm a solo parent so no partner to contend with. I think my neighbours may have caught an eyeful a few time though as they have a view straight into my living room.

You should do what feels right for you and you'll work that out 'in the job'. As regards not being too in your face if feeding in public, what worked for me was wearing a normal top and a cardie, hoodie or loose shirt type thing on top. Just lift up normal top and the cardie has you covered from the sides. I sat in cafes etc with people at the same table not realising baby was being fed until I burped her after.

It's perfectly ok to want to feed your baby somewhere private.
When I had mine, it was expected that you'd want a room by yourself and at first that's what I did. With confidence and a bit of practise, I was able to latch baby on while I wore a long top and no one ever noticed.

I wonder if the act of feeding your baby with the milk that your own body is producing might actually help you to feel that you have more ownership of your body. Childbirth can be a bit of a whirlwind, after which the intensely personal, quiet environment of the fourth trimester is in contrast, a time to recover and reestablish yourself.

Having a baby and using the wonderful abilities of your own body is directly opposite to being the object of some inadequate blokes fantasy. Breastfeeding your baby is the opposite of being a victim.

Wishing you the very best for your exciting times ahead x. Here's hoping you can put behind you the awfulness of what should never have been allowed to happen to you.

I had two friends who used the covers a pp has posted a photo of above, and one who draped muslins and baby blankets and did it that way, and no one thought they were weird.

The covers are useful because some babies like a completely uncovered breast, other babies don't like being covered up themselves, and the covers sit slightly away from your body and the baby to give you both space.

They are also useful if your baby takes a little time to get a good latch, as you can shift about without flashing nipples.

The trick is to get comfortable using them at home and putting them on one handed before doing it outside, and then it won't feel so odd.

Also to echo the person who posted ahead of me, no one cared that I went to a different room to feed DS 🙂I didn't feed in front of my mum either.

And yes it's actually a relatively short period they're EBF - once they're used to solids you can give them a snack to tide them over. My DS used to love sitting in a cafe chewing on a bit of banana or toast and having a good look around!

I didn’t flop a boob out in front of anyone other than my partner.

I would join the facebook group’can I breastfeed in it’ for ideas of clothing that will allow you to breastfeed and don’t cost the earth.

I also didn’t bother with breastfeeding covers as they were so much faff. I used the ‘one up one down’ method where I wore a vest top with stretchy straps underneath another top. I also (once my boobs had shrunk a bit) wore a bralet rather than a maternity bra (again for the stretchy straps). When it’s time to feed the baby you just reach under your top to free a boob from the bralet and vest top, then as you position the baby, gently lift the top top to just over your nipple. Then when baby latches your stomach is covered by the vest, the top of your boob by the top top and the baby’s head hides the rest. It takes seconds when you’ve got the hang of it.

You feed your baby how you like and how it makes you comfortable.

in the next few weeks you’ve got a little time to work out where there are private feeding rooms out and about. Ten years ago when I started breastfeeding, mothercare (RIP), boots, ikea, John Lewis, marks and Spencer, and our local shopping centre all had mother and baby rooms that includes a comfy chair for feeding.

you can also get a cover or muslin.

if/when you feel a bit more comfortable, you can experiment with what makes you feel good. I would say there’s a sweet spot when babies are about three-six months old when they’re big enough to cover you up completely when feeding but not so interested in the rest of the world that you’re in any risk of exposing yourself.

plenty of women feel like you do without going through your traumatic teen experience. Poor you, you were very brave.

Sorry to hear of your awful experience when younger.

I found that when feeding out and about, just wearing two tops (like a loose strappy vest with a tee or jumper over the top) and lifting one up and one down was the easiest way of feeding while remaining covered. The baby just pops on over the nipple and all anyone can see if their head.