Breastfeeding and other people's comments...

[karrliz]

Hey MN,

I have a 7 month old and am fortunate enough that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed throughout.

I love breastfeeding more than I'd imagined and so does my DD! It's such a lovely bond that we have and I don't have any intention to stop soon as it's all going well and I love it so so much.

I was wondering though if any other mummas constantly had relatives or friends making them feel weird about it?

For example, my MIL has been buying me formula milk and delivering it at the door saying I should be using it (I have nothing against formula, but I just love breastfeeding) and my FIL always quizzes me on when I'm going to stop and when I'm going to just use formula.

I have told them that it just works for us and I find it easier and that I will stop when it feels the right time. My husband supports me 100%, but they just make me feel so weird and judged that I still do it and don't have any plans on stopping soon!

I know they talk about it behind my back and I don't really care as she's my daughter and it's my body so screw other's opinions! More just a safe place to vent and to see if anyone else came up against this when breastfeeding?

I think my MIL in particular found it frustrating that I breastfed (DD for about 7 months, DS for 13 months)

MIL bottle fed both her kids and doesn't really understand breastfeeding at all IMO. She seemed to view it as an annoying inconvenience to the mother.

She wasn't critical of me for BF but I think she thought I was mad for doing it. Any time she made a comment about getting the kids to take a bottle I just said "no thanks, we aren't ready to stop yet" and left it at that.

I'm sure it's not personal, but if they didn't BF themselves they don't really understand in my experience.

I breastfed (with the odd bottle of formula, so mixed or whatever) for 8 months.

My MIL was also super weird about it. If DD was hungry more than once every few hours from day dot, it was ‘well she can’t be getting enough, she needs a bottle’. When she gained weight beautifully it was ‘she’s getting very chubby, are you sure it’s good for her? I’ve never seen legs that big on a baby’ and so on…

I think it’s a mix of 70s bottle feeding culture and the fact some breastfeeding women are a bit cringe about the whole thing now, so everyone assumes you’re going to be similar -
smug, the breastmilk ‘jewellery’, posting ‘feeding selfies’ that nobody wants to see etc.

Anyway I would donate the milk to a food bank, it’s bloody expensive and some poor woman would probably really appreciate it. Then just tell her you’ve donated it as you’re bfing and have no need of it 🤷🏼‍♀️

How annoying. They are overstepping boundaries and your DH needs to ask them to stop.

How you feed your baby is entirely upto you. Tell them that you don't need formula so you'll donate it to the food bank. Perhaps you could give them some suggestions as to what might be helpful if they want to buy something baby needs such as a pack of nappies, wipes etc.

You then just carry on as you are. You're doing brilliantly BFing your baby. You have absolutely no reason to stop an established feeding routine that's working well. If they keep making comments see less of them.

A lot of women from that generation were coerced into formula feeding by peer pressure, abject lack of support from midwives/health visitors, stealth funding by formula companies who funded news articles, adverts, great sales on formula to get parents hooked, and complete lack of knowledge and understanding about how to breastfeed. They were intentionally set up to fail. I know my MIL is really sad that she didn't manage to breastfeed her kids and when she saw me extended-breastfeeding my two, it really set her off because it took her back to those feelings of failure/inadequacy.

Many people cope with those feelings by ardently clinging to the thing they did, because if formula feeding isn't good enough, then they weren't good enough (so their logic goes). In my MIL's case she attacks my babies' sleep patterns, telling me that it's bad for them to have night feeds and that they should be in a dark room alone from 4 weeks of age and learn to cry it out. The thing she's really attacking is the fact I breastfeed through the night (dream feeding). It used to upset me but after three years of it I just can't bring myself to care what she thinks.

So it's really awkward but there are a lot of women in that boat from the grandparent generation. Thank fuck my grandma was a midwife and everyone on my side is knowledgable about BF and supportive.

Honestly that’s really weird and I’d be pretty pissed off. If it was clearly making you unhappy or causing you health issues I could understand them gently suggesting formula but even then it should be entirely your decision!

Have you mentioned the WHO recommendations to them (2 years at least, for as long as mum and baby are happy to continue)? I know that in this country we have a very fixed idea that you feed until 6 months but breast milk and the attachment that comes with breastfeeding doesn’t stop being beneficial all of a sudden! It continues to have nutritional and immune benefits long beyond the first few months.

If breastfeeding is comfortable and straightforward for you, then stopping ‘just because’ sounds like a lot more hassle than it’s worth!

They’re really overstepping the mark. I didn’t have anything like that but DM seemed confused at times as to why I chose to BF both of mine as everything is on you. I loved it though and felt lucky that I could. Also both of mine were bottle refusers so didn’t have much choice! They both self weaned around 16 months and I look back on it with fondness.

My grandmother is still very anti breastfeeding (despite her grandchildren and now great-grandchildren all being breastfed, mostly - if not all past a year) and it‘s definitely because of how formula feeding was pushed on her and advertised as better/what more affluent women did when she was a young mother (19) in the early 60s.

Yes! I EBF and people regularly say to me “just give her a bottle” in response to various things. I normally just smile blandly

A few people tried it with me. Every time they got a gentle "thank you, but I'm following the NHS and World Health Organisation advice to breastfeed until two or beyond and it's working really well for us". They all gave up before long and no one has dared to question me continuing to feed my toddler at bedtime (although tbf they may have assumed I've stopped).

My mil thought it was weird but she new better than question it.

Just ask people why. You should use formula. Why? Then just smile and nod at their answer and move on.

I fed for 4.5 years. Never had too many comments but I was ready to just ask why when people voiced anything.

Yes always MIL

My dm breastfed us so it was perfectly normal

Ignore them OP. Talk about overstepping

lactationnetwork.com/blog/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding-a-timeline-for-the-ages/

Send them this link and say to bog off! I think it's no surprise bf rates are so low in the West. All these idiots pressuring mums into stopping or encouraging them to stop when things are hard to establish.

Why smile and nod? So much smiling and nodding on here, it’s so passively aggressive, if you’ve got something to say just say it - ‘no, this is the recommended way of feeding a baby, thanks for your advice though’

That would piss me off. Keep breastfeeding for as long as you want x

There was a time last century when it was seen as a bit vulgar for upper class women to bf. This attitude is going, thankfully, but there are still people like your MIL who might think it's not very 'nice'. Stick to your guns. You're doing what women have done for time immemorial and you're happy with it. Well done! "It works for us, thanks. I'll let you know when I need formula." It's really off that she feels she can dictate like this. Don't let her bully you.

Your PILs are weird and inappropriate. Tell them you plan to stop when she’s seven so they may as well stop asking. “ PIL, why are you so interested in what I do with my breasts?” Put the formula in their tea.

In their tea hahahaaa! Best reply yet!

I had the opposite! My mum formula fed and didn’t bat an eyelid when I bf. When I bf out and about, I had two people come up to me say how lovely it was. When I gave my baby a bottle (it was expressed milk, but who cares really and I did use formula too as I never had a good supply), oh god the comments and looks! Made me so upset, and was so unhelpful to a new mum. People should just butt out, we are all doing an incredible job and if the baby is fed and loved and cared for, who cares if it’s bf or ff - literally none of their business!!

My MIL was a BF supporter and fed both my DH and DBIL. My DDad was proud of me feeding both my DD’s and told some rude man off for staring in a restaurant with a ‘we’re all here for lunch, best concentrate on yours’

Not all 70’s parents are anti.

Tell them breast is best and add a big smile.

Imo it is because you are deliberately preventing them from getting their hands on your dd unsupervised..

Yeah good point, that's probably what they are thinking and that I'm weird for taking in the responsibility!
But I wouldn't really say I am deliberately doing this at all!!! Haven't really thought of it like that as I just do it because I love doing it and my DD loves it so much too... Not to prevent unsupervised visits!

Thank you for sharing this! Really lovely to see the benefits broken down! I knew about benefits for the baby, but didn't realise it benefited me so much too!

Sure that works too whatever/ Not going to type out every possible angle to take but principle remains, ask them why and let them explain. Usually they have nothing to say anyway.

My mil absolutely hated me bf. Apparently it wasn't fair because she couldn't do it. She used to sit next to me on the sofa eyes glued to me feeding. So I started feeding dc on a chair. No space for her there!