Seriously depressed about giving up!

[EmSmith]

Hi all. Just wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar experience to mine. I had my first baby (a gorgeous little girl) almost 13 weeks ago and was very much of the school of thought that 'of course I would breastfeed' and 'how hard can it be?'. I assumed it was the most natural and easy thing in the world and that anyone who didn't try it was a little odd and that anyone who gave up obviously didn't try hard enough and didn't want to breastfeed badly enough.

I was thrilled with the way my daughter latched on within five minutes of being born and found the first two weeks of breastfeeding absolutely wonderful, despite some serious pain caused by a pretty badly cracked nipple.

However, after the first two weeks she became increasingly hungry and would cry endlessly and seemed to be hungry even after emptying both breasts. I went to EVERYONE for advice....my midwife, HV, GP, NCT counsellor, other mums I knew. Nothing helped. I honestly did try everything. I stayed in bed with my baby for almost a whole week and just fed her every hour or so in an attempt to up my supply. It didn't work. My HV checked that she was latching on OK. She was. My HV brought me an electric pump and sat with me while I pumped off everything from each breast...just to see how much I was producing...and I was only making about 20ml from each breast at the most in about three hours. I was eating all the right foods, drinking all the right drinks. I even went online and bought some mother's milk tea from America! It didn't work. I just couldn't produce enough.

Eventually I was getting so depressed with myself and frustrated with my crying baby that I gave up and gradually switched for formula at around 8 weeks, much to the annoyance of my HV who still tells me that I gave up too easily!

The trouble is, I still feel like such a failure. I know lots of other mothers with young babies (including my sister, who has an 18 week old boy) and watching them breastfeed makes me feel just wretched. I still beat myself up over it constantly and still firmly believe I just didn't try hard enough or that there must've been something I could've tried that I didn't.

It's so hard to come to terms with not being able to breastfeed when you're told that '99% of women can breastfeed if they just try hard enough' or that 'if you fed often enough, you'd produce enough'. And all these statistics about babies being healthier, more intelligent and happier on breast milk makes me feel dreadful. I feel like I'm harming my baby by having given up.

Has anyone else found this? I'm particularly horrified by my HV's attitude....especially seeing as she KNOWS I tried everything I could and was desperate to breastfeed.

I feel like the world's worst mum.

Em,
Don't worry about HV it is their speciality, making you feel guilty.
You did everything possible to make it work so you shouldn't feel bad. Even a few weeks of bf give your baby goodness, so you have given him/her a good start. This has happened to a few of my friends and they too have felt wretched. I can only say that as their babies have grown up to be healthy and thriving toddlers they have been able to but it into perspective and the guilt has eased. There is so much more to being a good mum than just bf.

It doesn't sound as though you could have done anything more tbh. Have you given up bf totally though or are you just topping up with formula? Perhaps mix feeding could be the best of both worlds?
Anyway, there definitely comes a point when, for the sake of one's own mental health, it is time to say enough is enough. A happy formula-fed baby with a happy mum must be better off then a constantly hungry bf baby with a frazzled mum.

Hi Em
I have 2 DDs, I bf DD1 until 7 weeks, when I felt that I couldn't continue for a range of reasons. I beat myself up really badly about it
She's 3 now and is thriving!
DD2 is now 8 months and is still bf. This time I was determined to continue for longer, but knew that it would be ok if I had stopped after a few weeks.
As far as expressing goes, it doesn't indicate how much you're producing. I could only ever express whilst DD2 was feeding on the other side. If I tried when she wasn't feeding, I managed about 20ml from each side. Babies are often seemingly always hungry in the first few weeks, it doesn't mean they aren't getting enough, just that they are doing a lot of growing!
Ignore your HV. Don't beat yourself up about this any more. You gave your DD a great start, well done for that! Get on with enjoying your baby!

I also has a smiliar porblem and my little one lost a lot of weight. The hv also drove me nuts. I ended up with bilateral mastisitis. I think you did amazng to do it for 8 weeks, I know how you feel though as i had a cry for days when just had to move to formula, as I was such a mess with other porbelms. SO WELL done.

BTW my little one dd of 14mths isnt so litte , shes tiny in height but is becoming a right little bruiser!! and eat like a horse!!!

Hi Em, sorry you are feeling so down about bfing. I have been in a similar position - I struggled to establish bfing (jaundiced baby), my baby was readmitted to hospital at 17 days old jaundiced and dehydrated that completely threw my confidence, so I swapped to formula. And after that there seemed to be a story in the press every five minutes about the advantages of bfing. I suspect that you probably will feel dreadful about it for the first few weeks - but the guilt does fade - aside from anything else, mums will start giving up/tailing off bfing, and/or once you are weaning on to solids, you will all be doing similar things in that regard anything. and just like you as well I just thought that bfing was the obvious natural thing to do - until I had DS I had no conception of how difficult/stressful/exhausting it could be if things weren't going well. Let's face it, there is a reason that formula was invented - that there would be a demand for it as bfing can be extremely difficult.

take care, and remember that by bfing as long as you did, you have provided your baby with many of the health benefits of bfing.

I really identify with how you feel about these statistics - what those particular statistics don't take into account though is that some babies just don't take to bfing, for no apparent reason. For example DS was a very difficult feeder even on the bottle - could easily take well over an hour per bottle, very sicky. I had oodles of milk - just it didn't quite seem to get into DS. In terms of milk - I don't think that expressing is a reliable test of supply - it doesn't give the same sense of stimulation - but that is neither hear nor there. Your HV sounds quite crass tbh - if she convinced you (quite possibly erroneous) that your milk supply was very small, how on earth did she expect you to carry on bfing with any confidence?

Don't fall into the trap of feeling that you have to justify to yourselfing that bfing was absolutely impossible for you/that no stone was left unturned. at the end of the day if you tried your best, and don't feel that your baby was getting enough, and you were feeling unhappy at bfing, those are very good reasons for your decision to switch to formula.

Poor yousometimes the so called professionals seem to have no clue what is like to be a mother - especially when you are a new mum. I agree with what everyone else has said. You could not have done any more and plenty of mums I know have given up much sooner when they had difficulties. You are not a bad mum, please dont think that. It sounds to me as though you are a great mum to have gone to the lengths that you have to try and keep breastfeeding your baby. Ultimately though it sounds as though switching to bottle feeding was the best move for both you and your baby. I cannot see how you being stressed and miserable and your baby always being hungry can be a preferable option.

You don't have to give up - even if you decide to supplement with formula you could still bf your dd - that way she is still getting the benefit of breastmilk. Why don't you post a message to Mears she is a midwife and might have some good advice. GOOD LUCK - I know how hard bf is and how much of a failure you feel when it doesn't go right. BUT you have still bf your daughter for 13 weeks - which is more than most people do.

you know, my dd is 7 weeks and i hada similar experience to you. i still feel a twinge of guilt every time i put the bottle in her mouth but i just look at her smiling at me and i know sheis happy. i watch her grow and see how bright she is and i feel so happy. please dont feel bad. i had some lovely messages from other mn'ers and you can read them here. im not ashamed any more and i feel proud. there is so much more to bringing up a baby other than how you feed them!

my thread if you want to read it

Thank you SO MUCH everyone who's responded. You've all been so lovely and it's nice to know that (a) I'm not alone and (b) that you're all so supportive and not at all judgemental.

I'll follow all the advice you've given and will try harder not to beat myself up over it. That's no good for myself or my gorgeous little girl. She does seem to be thriving now she's on formula.

I just wish the press and media and healthcare professionals would be a little less quick to berate women for not breastfeeding when it's not always our fault!

Thanks again to all of you. I can't tell you how much your messages have helped. I was feeling so low this morning when I got up and now I feel so much more positive.

This site might be helpful Emsmith

overcoming breastfeedingissues

Emsmith, I too was the 'world's worst mum' when I gave up feeding my first baby at three weeks. Although I successfully fed subsequent babies my first failure always lay at the back of my mind until a bf counsellor said a wonderful thing to me - You did your very best with the knowledge you had and the support you received at the time. No one can ask for more.

Maybe this, too, will help you come to terms with how you feel - I've just included part of it as it's very long.
---
Breastfeeding your baby for even a day is the best baby gift you can give

IF YOU NURSE YOUR BABY FOR JUST A FEW DAYS, he will have received your colostrum, or early milk. By providing antibodies and the food his brand-new body expects, nursing gives your baby his first - and easiest "immunization" and helps get his digestive system going smoothly. Breastfeeding is how your baby expects to start, and helps your own body recover from the birth. Why not use your time in the hospital to prepare your baby for life through the gift of nursing?

IF YOU NURSE YOUR BABY FOR FOUR TO SIX WEEKS, you will have eased him through the most critical part of his infancy. Newborns who are not breastfed are much more likely to get sick or be hospitalized, and have many more digestive problems than breastfed babies. After 4 to 6 weeks, you'll probably have worked through any early nursing concerns, too.

WHETHER YOU NURSE FOR A DAY OR FOR SEVERAL YEARS, the decision to nurse your child is one you need never regret. And whenever weaning takes place, remember that it is a big step for both of you. If you choose to wean before your child is ready, be sure to do it gradually, and with love.

(c)1997 Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC 136 Ellis Hollow Creek Road Ithaca, NY 14850

I had something similar - like you tried every avenue. Ended up mixed feeding from 5/6 weeks.

Very much sympathise with the feeling guilty thing - felt that i was constantly imagining that i had to justify my decision to everyone.

Don't take too much notice of critisism of your decision from HV - just people trotting out soundbites and slogans when they are too lazy to listen and think.

IMHO I think there comes a point when you have to be a mum, and listen to your baby, and make the decision that you believe is best for your baby. Dd was all but 'talking' telling me how hungry she was and how she'd tried as hard as she could. I don't think I would have been right to ignore her signals and my judgement in order to fit in with someone elses view of the situation.

Oh EmSmith, poor you. I know how you feel - never got dd to latch on at all (she was 5 weeks early and I had no support really). Expressed for six weeks and then milk was going so she went on formula. That was over two years ago and I still cry about not feeding her. Now I'm bfing my ds and love it but it is tinged with sadness that I didn't have this wonderful experience with her. But, she is a gorgeous little girl and we have such a special bond. Please try not to beat yourself up too much - you did everything you could to feed your dd. Just enjoy these baby days. They fly past. Dinny x
ps I couldn't be around other people bfing without crying for ages and ages. Big hugs to you.

Hi Emsmith
I had exactly the same experience as you (except I only managed 7 weeks of feeding). At the time, and for months after, it seemed like the worst thing that could possibly have happened and I really felt as though I had damaged my dd. I got lots of support from people on Mumsnet, but the only thing that really helped was seeing dd turn into a happy, healthy, beautiful 10 month old. I still feel sad about not feeding her, but I've got more of a sense of perspective now and realise that there are many other more important things. I don't think there's anything anyone can say to you that will magically make you stop feeling bad, but one thing that helped me a bit was making a mental list of all the people I knew who were formula fed. To get on the list they had to meet 3 criteria - be healthy, be intelligent and have a good relationship with their mothers. I came up with a really long list, and I also discovered that most people in the "ordinary" world (as opposed to the strange, intense "new baby world" that we live in after giving birth) either don't know how they were fed or don't care. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel sad, but it just isn't as important as it seems to you at the moment. Of course breastfeeding is best and, like me, you will always regret not having managed it this time, but there are lots of other more important things that you can do for your little girl. Like making sure she has a happy mummy!

Hi, just to say I have been there too. Bloody hv, in my case it was a midwife who told me I 'lacked courage'.

My dd1 was bottlefed from 2 weeks. She is now two and a half and has none of the problems that we are told to expect from formula. Some examples: out of all her contemporaries, she is the only one without excema, even though they were breastfed; she is really slim; she eats really well including most fruit and veg, pulses, garlic etc. Your dd will be fine.

The worst thing I found was that I wanted the closeness. I got this in other ways. We co-slept and I never left her to cry, and I carried her around a lot (she didn't like a sling!) She is now a really confident and happy little girl who has just started pre-school with barely a backward glance towards me!

I also have a dd2 now, she is 9mo and still exclusively bfeeding! And it is so healing, I can't tell you.

In the meantime, be gentle on yourself. It is onky when bfeeding goes right that you realise how impossible the situation first time around had become. If you find watching breastfeeding hard, avoid it for now - go and make a cup of tea when friends visit. Give it time - it does take time, I'm afraid, but it does get better. And enjoy your precious dd. My second gets a fraction of the attention I'd like to give her, and nothing like the wonderful one-to-one time I had with dd1, even though I love her just as much. Your dd is happier now just like my dd1 was, so enjoy every precious moment. You can still have skin-to-skin contact at feed times, and sing to her whilst you feed her. And you obviously love her so much, and that is what she needs more than anything.

Dinny - I am so pleased for you!

you tried - that's all you can do ! Don't beat yourself up. It may have been your baby that wasn't good at getting the milk out, rather than you not producing it.

With the next baby it may be easy. Just a word about expressing - it doesn't necessarily equate to how much milk you have - it is much harder to get the milk out with a pump. And not sure if I read it right but you normally shouldn't pump for more than 20-30 minutes max. And you can use fenugreek to help increase supply.

If you ever need to try again then post here for advice about expressing ahead of time - there are lots of tips that might help.

Hi, Em Smith, how are you today? I have been thinking a bit more and wonder if you should do something about the insensitivity of your hv. I reported the midwife who upset me to my g.p. who had a word with her, nothing official, but it made me feel better to think that maybe she would think a bit more in future about what she says. Perhaps you could do the same, or just say to the woman that her comments distress you.

The lovely hv who looked after me had been through it herself, and she said that you have to grieve for what you have lost. It' s true, you do, which is why it takes time. But you really have nothing at all to reproach yourself for. I no longer feel guilty about not bfeeding dd1 because I know I did all that I could, and one day you will feel the same. My dd1 weaned really easily but my dd2 refuses solids and I am having real problems. Each baby is different and, as has been said already, you little dd probably didn't get the hang of things.

Having to stop breastfeeding (rather than choosing not to start) is very much a taboo subject as it goes against the mantra that 99% of women can. That's like saying 99% of women don't need glasses, or 99% of babies will sleep through the night. It's about time a magazine like Junior came down off its high horse and produced an article on the reality of how hard bfeeding can be and the emotional side of having (not choosing) to give up.

I hope that you feel better soon. Take it easy, and give your little one lots of lovely big hugs!

Oh, I am so sorry that you had such a bad time of it ES. I, too, had loads of trouble. DS is 15 mos. and I felt bad for quite a while that things didn't go as I wanted with bfing. You tried your best, it just wasn't meant to be. Please be kind to yourself and enjoy your baby. I wish that I had not gotten so wrapped up in my perceived status as a "bfing failure". I finally realized that I was upset about my dream of bfing ds but that the reality just wasn't working. We bonded much better when I could just sit and rock him with a bottle. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for all that you went through.

I think your HV behaved very badly. It was cruel of her to stay that to you. And I think she was wrong. I think your dd wasn't latched on properly - hence your poor cracked nipple. I think she sounds incompetent. But as someone else here said, you did the very best you could with the support you had (or didn't have) and nobody could ask for more. May your dd continue to thrive and be happy. She is clearly a very loved little girl and that is the most important thing of all.

I had a really horrible time breastfeeding. I was like you and said that I would do it but it wasn't as easy as I had thought. DS latched on okay and fed for ages, but it felt like all the time. I would be feeding him and pumping out the other side. I don't think I left the couch for the first week after I got home with him. My HV was a gem and didn't have a problem with combined feeding but my midwife was awful and told me that it takes 8 weeks to establish breastfeeding and I was just being silly giving up that easily. When DS was 2 weeks old, I ended up back in hospital on morphine so breastfeeding wasn't an option. I terrified myself to the point of being sick that my HV was going to try to get me to re-establish feeding. She said not to worry and I had gave it a shot. I know a few other mums that tried it and hated it. They're babies wouldn't settle, they're breasts were sore and cracked or had mastitus.
You have to do what is best for you. No matter how good breast milk is, it's no use if you end up ill due to feeling depressed, tired and fed up. I don't mean to offend and I'm only talking from my experience with the midwives in my area but the really were breast feeding bullies. Hope you feel better about things. Enjoy your baby.

Hi Em

I just wanted to add that I think you're amazing for carrying on for 8 weeks. I had the same problems and gave up after 4 days! I hadn't slept for more than an hour since the morning of going into labour, and couldn't have carried on any longer. I just wanted the screaming to stop. I don't feel guilty for switching to formula, but can understand how people do, I felt more guilty in those first days that my baby was crying and I couldn't make it better.

i know how you feel. managed to breast fed my first son for 14 months, every one kept telling me how i should stop, i got mastitus, blocked ducts, thrush several times but was too stubern and proud of myself to stop and am glad that i carried on. every time some one told me how well my boy looked i'd think to myself 'i did that'

my secand baby was totally different. tried my best but found it really difficult. looking after ds1 and still getting up to him at night added to having a new baby to look after nearly finished me off. ds2 would wake every 20 mins screaming. had really cracked nipples so pain was terrible. in the end i took him to the soctors as i thought there was something wrong with him. they said that he was still hungery.

the desicion to give him a bottle made me feel like the worlds worst mother. i'd gone on and o about how great breast feeing was and how people that said they couldnt do it were just not trying hard enough.... had to take it all back.

as soon as he started being fed by bottle he started sleeping and became a much more settled baby. he is so happy and contented now that i've stopped feeling guilty. also have got my life back, am working am at college and able to go out.

EmSmith, You are not the worlds worst mum, infact, like the all other mums here, you are probably one of the better ones beacuse you obviously really care for your dd.

I did breastfeed, and I have to say the support isnt there. I actually wonder how many of the HV's and Midwifes actually breastfed themselves?? Have they just read up in books?

I think a big problem is the fact that my mums era were encouraged to bottlefeed as it was considered more hygenic, so as i consequence the words of wisdom from mother to daughter were lost.

I can remember being sat on the hospital bed with the horrible electric pump attached to me. The bitch of a midwife (sorry, but she was) expected me to produce straight away, it was only later i found out that your milk doesnt come in immediatly. She also fed my ds a formula feed from a cup without asking me.btw my ds was fine, milk came in very soon after, but this midwife decided already she would feed my ds and cos her shift was due to finish, wanted to tick that box.

Ems - you are not a bad mum, you actually sound like a lovely mum and IMO as long as you and dd are happy and well that is all that counts

{{hugs}}

btw, i proved that bitch midwife wrong ... managed to feed him for 12 months. [grins]

Hello Em,

This is my very first day on this site, and I could have wept when I read your message as it is almost word for word what I am feeling at the moment.

Unfortunately, all of my children have struggled to gain weight while breastfeeding. I am currently mixed feeding my 4th and last child, and the pain of having to supplement is no easier than it was first time around.

I am totally fed up of the NCT type message, "If you try hard enough you can". I really do feel for you, and there does seem to be a proportion of mums who do have problems with first babies, but subsequent ones feed beautifully and effortlessly. I hope that you fall into this category if you have more babies.

But I have 'tried' even harder with each, and struggled on before supplementing for longer, probably risking my children in the process as HV and Dr became more and more worried. With son No1 I sorted it in my head by the fact that he'd had a difficult delivery, was in special care, didin't get much help at first. BUT with No2 son, I read everything, hired a milking-machine type pump, when to see the 'guru' Chloe Fisher in Oxford at one of the country's few drop in bf clinics ( a round trip of 100+ miles) and had a spell in children's ward with loads of horrible tests. The bottom line was, when he was supplemented he began to thrive.

I still don't know why, and am furious that so little seems to be written or documented about the real incidence of lactational insufficiency. Anecdotally I know of lots of older mums who 'couldn't' bf, but all the current books and support networks state that most mothers give up because of 'perceived' lack of milk, and poor managment of bf, ie not feeding for long enough, often enough, latching probs etc.

I KNOW I tried everything, and I seem to (still) be surrounded by happy smiling fat bfed babies, and (complacent) mothers. I still hate to bring out the bottle in public, esp at NCT coffee mornings. I am lucky that I had 3 easy homebirths after my horrendous first.

Anyway, time for son No3's bottle (he's now 4 months )...

Lots of love,
(we even have the same name!!!)