Seriously depressed about giving up!

[EmSmith]

Hi all. Just wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar experience to mine. I had my first baby (a gorgeous little girl) almost 13 weeks ago and was very much of the school of thought that 'of course I would breastfeed' and 'how hard can it be?'. I assumed it was the most natural and easy thing in the world and that anyone who didn't try it was a little odd and that anyone who gave up obviously didn't try hard enough and didn't want to breastfeed badly enough.

I was thrilled with the way my daughter latched on within five minutes of being born and found the first two weeks of breastfeeding absolutely wonderful, despite some serious pain caused by a pretty badly cracked nipple.

However, after the first two weeks she became increasingly hungry and would cry endlessly and seemed to be hungry even after emptying both breasts. I went to EVERYONE for advice....my midwife, HV, GP, NCT counsellor, other mums I knew. Nothing helped. I honestly did try everything. I stayed in bed with my baby for almost a whole week and just fed her every hour or so in an attempt to up my supply. It didn't work. My HV checked that she was latching on OK. She was. My HV brought me an electric pump and sat with me while I pumped off everything from each breast...just to see how much I was producing...and I was only making about 20ml from each breast at the most in about three hours. I was eating all the right foods, drinking all the right drinks. I even went online and bought some mother's milk tea from America! It didn't work. I just couldn't produce enough.

Eventually I was getting so depressed with myself and frustrated with my crying baby that I gave up and gradually switched for formula at around 8 weeks, much to the annoyance of my HV who still tells me that I gave up too easily!

The trouble is, I still feel like such a failure. I know lots of other mothers with young babies (including my sister, who has an 18 week old boy) and watching them breastfeed makes me feel just wretched. I still beat myself up over it constantly and still firmly believe I just didn't try hard enough or that there must've been something I could've tried that I didn't.

It's so hard to come to terms with not being able to breastfeed when you're told that '99% of women can breastfeed if they just try hard enough' or that 'if you fed often enough, you'd produce enough'. And all these statistics about babies being healthier, more intelligent and happier on breast milk makes me feel dreadful. I feel like I'm harming my baby by having given up.

Has anyone else found this? I'm particularly horrified by my HV's attitude....especially seeing as she KNOWS I tried everything I could and was desperate to breastfeed.

I feel like the world's worst mum.

emsymama - I am so sad to read your story. I think not enough is known about lactational insufficiency, and that's why you hardly ever see anything written about it....but there are some observations made by people 'in the field'. For example, some people think there are a tiny number of women who have insufficient glandular tissue and this is sometimes seen in women with 'tubular' shaped breasts. These women do produce milk but getting a full supply is another matter. Could this be you?

NCT, by the way, never says, 'if you try hard enough you can' - and we don't think it, either.

Not explicitly, but I have NEVER heard a bf counsellor(tried NCT and LLL over the years) admit that some babies NEED to have formula. I know it interferes with supply and demand, but when baby has gone form 91st centile to 2nd in 14 weeks of life? Mix-feeding, especially when every drop of formula feels like poison, is terribly difficult.

MW, HV and Dr are happy enough to say it, but the professional lactaional consultants DO NOT. Incidentally I have great respect for bfcs, and know how much training they do, compared to the professionals. And I know that 'just try a bit of bottle' had prob spelled end of bf unecessarily for loads of mums over the years.

Wish I'd discovered this site earlier, at last I know I'm not the only one, and I am so relieved.

having had problems getting feeding started with both of mine (succeeded after a month with DS1, failed to get DS2 & 3 - twins born at 35 weeks to latch on at all, expressed for 9 months), all my kids have had mixed feeding to some extent. I viewed formula as a wonderful substance that sustained my kids when I was not able to - for whatever reason. It is so sad when people feel that it is tantamount to poison. Breast milk is best - but if you can't get enough into them to keep them healthy then formula is essential. And you have to have the opinion that nay greast milk you get into them is a bonus.

I think it is such a shame when people tried really hard, and didn't manage to feed as much as they would have liked, that they beat themselves up for their "failure".

emysmama, I am not sure if you are confusing professional lactational consultants with bfcs - they are different.

I can't speak for lactation consultants.

Bfcs do not normally suggest formula, not because we do not 'admit' that some babies in some circumstances might need it (of course some babies in some circumstances need it!) but because formula is a clinical intervention in a breastfeeding situation, and we are not clinical practitoners.

I have certainly dealt with many, many situations where I have felt that formula was necessary (because the baby seems dehydrated or otherwise in difficulties and the breastfeeding isn't working) - but I say to the mother she needs to speak to her doctor/midwife, and in some cases, to get the baby to A&E. It would be very wrong for me to say 'your baby needs formula' because if the baby really does need it for dehydration, it needs to be given under supervision - over-quick rehydration (easily done with a bottle) is dangerous.

If a mother wants to discuss mixed feeding, or is already giving formula and wants to continue, then a breastfeeding counsellor is trained and enabled to discuss this with her, and to support her in that choice. We know about using formula in a way that minimises impact on the breastfeeding.

You are right that casual suggestions to give 'just a bit of bottle' may mean the end of breastfeeding for some.

Hope this clears up the position of bfcs for you :)

Hi guys!

I think one of the problems is the conflict (sad but true) between MW, HV, Dr and voluntary sector.

When the NCT/LLL give a pro-bf leaflet (they all are I guess) that says "All sucking should be at the breast to improve milk supply" or "all mothers are capable of producing enough milk for their babies", or "Accepting additional milk after a bf is not necessarily a sign of hunger, babies just like sucking" or provides a great long list of all the health benefits of bf....

......this is in conflict with the health pro who says "you haven't got enough milk, this baby needs to be topped up."

Knowing that bfcs have more training than most HVs, who do you believe?

I hate taking advice at the best of times, but had one friend who really helped. She has no kids just a farm full of cows, what could be more natural than that? But not all her cows are good milkers, some of their milk has lower fat content than other cows'.

In 'nature', maybe our babies would be the sickly skinny ones, and so we should be relieved that in the 21st century enough is known about breastmilk to manufacture a good enough substitute, and babies DO thrive.

And mothers can get over the very real sense of failure by knowing they did the best for their baby.

Thank you Tictoc for your message.

It had never occured to me to contact a bfc after making the decision to start formula.

The big difficulty with all my babies had been assessing whether or not for my big birthweight babies, weight dropping like a stone initially then crawling up steadily but slowly, crossing 'lines' in the process is normal or healthy or advisable.

I do see your point about clincal intervention, but certainly to my family GP (older man) bottles were the easy, obvious, quantifiable answer, which I felt they weren't.

(He incidentally told me to give up at 8mo with DD after 2 nasty bouts of mastitis, as she was not still getting any nourishment at that age! Didn't - and saw another GP - carried on until she said "Milk in cup now Mummy" after her nightly bf at 17months old)

emysmum, you say "The big difficulty with all my babies had been assessing whether or not for my big birthweight babies, weight dropping like a stone initially then crawling up steadily but slowly, crossing 'lines' in the process is normal or healthy or advisable"...and I think that is a real issue, and not widely understood by many HPs.

It certainly is within normal to start off 'big' and then reach a physiological weight for that individual baby, over weeks and even months. This is why weight alone is such a poor guide to health and development. Mothers with babies like these need good support and confidence building, and people giving health info who understand the real limitations of the weight chart.

The fact your GP thought she was not getting any nourishment from breastmilk at 8 months does rather show how little he knows, no matter how kind he is or how good a doctor in other ways.

Why do people say this? Breastmilk continues to be breastmilk, however long it is given for! It's made fresh all the time! But I hear from mothers that they are told 'it's no good after a year' or 'it stops being any good for them after 6 months'.

:(

Cassia - if there are any leaflets which say 'all mothers are capable of producing all the milk their baby needs' then I hope they aren't NCT's....we don't think that, though we do know it's true for most women, esp if they have a good start and continue 'doing it right'.

Sorry, this is hijacking the thread a little bit, but Tiktok could you expand on what you said about the theory that some women with "tubular" shaped breasts may have insufficient glandular tissue? I've accepted that breastfeeding failed in my case because I simply wasn't doing it right, but I'm still willing to clutch at any straw that suggests there was an underlying physical reason that wasn't "my fault". I've always thought that breast size and shape were irrelevant.

beatrice - not to sound facetious - but one good reason for it not being your "fault" is if your baby just wasn't terribly good at getting the milk from you by bfing! i do seriously think this was a factor with my baby, as he was pretty awful even after I switched to bottlefeeding - sicky/windy and could easily take over an hour per bottle in the early days.

Beatrice - do a google on tubular breasts breastfeeding and you will find some hits. I don't think there is a massive amount of good research on this - it's more observation than anything.

And not breastfeeding is of course not your 'fault' ...as you know!