I've had a wretched day following receipt of a letter from the paediatrician. Distilled down, it basically reduces dd down to two things; "failing to thrive" and "inadequate calorie intake". It also claims she has some delay in her motor development - ascribed to the failure to thrive - which he hopes would "pick up once her nutrition improves". I am surprised to hear this and don't agree with it.
Other possible causes have been ruled out (thyroid, heart, absorption problems)
The formerly supportive bfc who referred me (at my request) apparently felt a little miffed that I had not followed one particular piece of her advice, namely to express several times a day in addition to feeding on demand. (I attempted this for a while but abandoned it for several reasons, both practical and theoretical, in favour of just putting the baby to the breast at very frequent intervals.) This rejection of her advice has been noted in the letter. I rang the bfc to find out what this was about and challenged her, as she has previously told me I have "gallons of milk" and that supply isn't a problem. She seems less certain about my supply now, apparently.
The letter has a lot more to it and doesn't present me in a great light either. The paed wants to refer us on to a dietician.
There's so much I want to dispute in the letter - the diagnosis, the apparent motor delays, the conclusion that it is my bf to blame, the advice to wean her earlier rather than later (on baby rice!), the assumptions that I take random advice off the internet and lack the necessary intelligence and discretion to research properly info salient to dd's specific circumstances.
But actually, I've had enough. Spent the whole day in tears. I think I've run out of fight.
It's almost worse having gained the knowledge I have, from MN, because in RL you just sound like a non-compliant nutter with odd ideas and bizarre principles. And there isn't a tiktok or hunker in my neck of the woods to back me up, sadly.
So here are my questions
If I were to introduce a high cal formula at this stage, after 6 months of excl bf, perhaps a bottle a day, what effect might it have on my supply? (I already know what it will do to my psyche) Assuming that the hcps are correct, and for some reason I have an inadequate or fragile supply.
Is this likely to damage my long term plans to continue bf until she self weans?
Are there any risks to dd in doing this, vs carrying on bf (and weaning obv)
Is there a formal, diagnostic procedure to confirm that I have low supply? No-one has examined me ever in all of this, it's just a conclusion that has been reached through elimination of other causes.
Taking into account a steady and consistent weight GAIN from day 2 of her wee life, starting at 3 oz a week and now slowing to about 1 oz a week, does this sort of growth pattern seem consistent with low supply? She gained better in the beginning than she does now - might my supply be worse than it was?
If so, is it too late to fix things now?
I still feed every two hours roughly, sometimes more, both sides, and take domperidone (although I stopped for a few days last week as I honestly didn't feel it was making any difference, but have started again in desperation)
Does it make any difference that I still get engorged if she goes 4 hours between feeds at night occasionally? Does this mean anything?
I'm grasping at straws, anything to avoid admitting that my body has provided "inadequate calorie intake", which has caused motor development delays. The very real fear that I might have harmed my baby has been writen down in black and white today. It is sickening to read it.
I'm rambling and incoherent because I'm so upset. But I'm losing my nerve against the pressure. I need to consider formula, if it will help dd catch up some of the weight she needs so badly. I can't forgive myself for causing her problems. I feel like a defective failure. I tried to do everything I was supposed to do and it just hasn't worked.